


Torture

by loseourmindstogether



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Drugs, F/F, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-14
Updated: 2014-09-23
Packaged: 2018-01-15 17:34:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 186,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1313419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loseourmindstogether/pseuds/loseourmindstogether
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren Jaeger has the life that every 17 year old guy wants. As the golden boy of Milford, Delaware, he strolls through the hallways of Trost High while being praised by everyone. He has led his football team to the championships, is on the honor roll, he gets along with everyone (except Jean of course) and he has a great home life with his mom and adoptive sister. But when an unexpected misfortune happens in his life, torture starts to suffocate him and he begins to spiral out of control. Looking for anything or anyone to find comfort in, a certain drug addict he crosses paths with leads him down a road of addictions that totally encompass his life. Love, drugs, sex, and agony soon begin to be the only concepts Eren understands.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Concert Day

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys this is my first contribution to the snk fandom and i hope it goes over well with you guys.
> 
> My tumblr username is loseourmindstogether so if you want you can contact me there :)
> 
> Alright lets start this

Tonight was going to be the best night of my life.

“Eren, are you ready?” Mikasa called to me sounding like a typical mother who felt they needed to check on their child’s progress in clothing themselves.

“Give me like two minutes!” And that was all the time I would need. Seriously. If there was one thing about Mikasa that she did not play around with it was time, or rather being punctual. Two minutes meant _two_ minutes to her, exactly 120 seconds and nothing more. I scurried over to my closet practically tearing the doors off in my rush of opening it and scanned for that crucial piece of clothing...

“Sixty seconds left Eren…” Mikasa warned but I could almost imagine the sly smile on her face as her words echoed through my ears.

There it was! I ripped the massive hoodie off the hanger and wiggled my way into it. It was black and fit around my torso perfectly, almost making it my favorite piece of clothing. It was important to wear this hoodie tonight more than ever though as it had special appeal now.

“Alright I’m leaving,” Mikasa called. Knowing that she was not joking I sprinted out of my room, down the stairs and made my way to her side. I could tell she was slightly amused that her words had such impact on me to have me running to her like a dog. Her gaze traveled from my face downward till it stopped on my article of clothing. “You would pick that out,” she commented dryly.

“Oh shut up, you’re being cliché too,” I said pointing out her black shirt which had the exact same logo stamped across it on the front, like mine. “I thought you said ‘wearing shirts for your favorite band was lame’,” I mocked her previous words from the past mimicking her voice and all. She made a smacking noise with her lips and turned away, going to grab the keys of the counter.

“Yeah that was before I made it cool.” Ahh her lame sense of humor. It truly was to die for. “Now c’mon. We still have to go pick up Armin and the doors open at seven, I don’t want to be late.” Glancing at the clock I saw it was only 5:30pm but going to an event like this required leaving early. I followed her out the front door of the house closely grinning from ear to ear. Nothing could ruin this night for me.

 

Correction, there was something that could ruin this night for me. Something that could tear it apart and right now it was climbing into the fucking back seat scooting in next to Armin.

“Keep staring Jaeger,” Jean taunted nodding his head towards me. “I just love it when you look at me like you want to rip my fucking head off.” I knew he was just trying to provoke me. I was sure I was going to bite a hole in my lip from how hard I was gnawing at it. My poor lip, really anytime Jean came around I was reduced to biting or chewing it, anything to keep from snapping on him. He was the only person at Trost High that I just couldn’t seem to get along with. We had nothing in common outside of both being on the football team for the school.  Even while on the field we showed our disdain of one another by _never_ passing the ball to the other even if they were open. When Armin confessed to Mikasa and I that he was gay, it was acceptable. We both had no gripes and even encouraged him to date openly. But it didn’t help that of all the gay glittering men Armin could’ve picked, he picked him. What a cruel twist of fate.

“Jean stop,” Armin warned putting a restraining hand down over Jean’s. His tone was not upset however just tired. “I don’t want this to turn out like that one time we all went bumper karting...”

“He started it!” Both Jean and I hollered at one another at the exact same time. Mikasa giggled, keeping her head straight as she focused on the road.

“You sure _you_ two shouldn’t be the one’s dating?” She expressed through wavering lips, she was fighting back a smile.

 I whipped around in my seat staring Jean in the eye and was met back with the same repulsion.  All at once both our faces twisted into pure revulsion and once again at the same moment we groaned out, “Gross!” We were rewarded with hyena laughter from both Mikasa and Armin. I growled out of frustration and shook my head then refocused my eyes on a more pleasant sight to the eyes.

“Armin what is he even doing here? I thought we all agreed to keep the circle tight tonight,” I said making a motion with my hands indicating I was talking about just the three of us. Jean rolled his eyes dramatically and lapped his arms over one another.

“Eren as much as I know you like to pretend it’s not true, Jean is a part of that circle now,” I noticed his eyes flicker over to Jean with adornment and held back my gag. “Besides, he likes The Goddesses too.” Reluctantly, I let my eyes shift back to Jean and took note that he too donned a band shirt just like the three of us. The same familiar symbol pasted of the three shields of the women whose voices we all practically worshipped. Maria, Rose, and Sina otherwise known as the rock legends The Goddesses.

“When did you even start listening to them?” I hissed at him with narrowed eyes that were blaring with suspicion. I didn’t believe this asshat for a second.

“A few months ago.” His lips barely moved as he mumbled it. Hmm, that answer was not what I expected seeing as him and Armin had been dating for little over a year now.

“Favorite song?” I pressed.

“Colossal Titan,” he said without hesitation.

“Album name?”

“The Fall of Shinganshina.”

“In the song ‘50 meters’ what exact minute and second count does Maria start wailing on the guitar solo?”

“Eren seriously?” Mikasa pitched in, voice reeking of embarrassment.

“Eren what kind of question is that?” Armin spoke getting defensive for Jean.

“I knew it! He’s not a real fan!” I accused pointing a finger at him. I was seriously acting as if I had won a court case. It was short lived as Mikasa took this moment to clock me on the head with her fist, a light hit but enough to award her with my glare.

“We’re here.”

And that was all she had to say. It was time to jam out.

 

The line was massive, it stretched and wrapped around the building, hundreds of people gathered. All I could think was thank goodness I hadn’t pressed Mikasa for leaving later because we could’ve easily been at the snake wrap around the corner of the structure. Though we still had about an hour to kill before the doors were opened, the time coasted by. Mikasa being the mother she was, brought us all snacks and though we looked like preschoolers sipping on our Capri sun drinks, we were refreshed. Armin decided we should play a good old fashioned game of ‘I spy’ to kill time.

“I spy with my little eye…something blue,” Jean chimed as he let the last words roll off his tongue. Mikasa was quick to answer as she popped a gusher in her mouth.

“Its Armin’s eyes isn’t it?” She said flatly.

Jean smirked, “Well no, it wasn’t but now that you mention it he does have ravishing blue pools of—”

“Oh my gosh _stop_.” I warned putting a hand up. Jean would always make passes at Armin in front of me to irritate me and once again, his antics were working.

Finally after what seemed like an eternity it was time. The line had begun to move forward and it was almost our turn to go inside.

“Alright get your tickets ready guys,” Mikasa said as she fumbled through her bag for hers. Everyone obeyed and pulled out the valuable piece of paper accordingly except for me. I checked again this time plunging deeper into my pockets, still nothing. My heart was beginning to pound at this point, I could feel my hands getting clammy. I began to frantically violate my pockets pulling them outwards with hope that something would fall out.

“Eren what’s wrong?” Armin asked noticing my major freak out. Mikasa was already getting her ticket scanned and he was next.

“I can’t find my ticket,” I breathed out not believing my own words.

“Tough shit Jaeger,” Jean commented with a smile that reminded me of the fucking Cheshire cat. I was about to retort with some snappy comeback when the ticket scanner looked to me with a blank stare but hand outstretched towards me.

“Your ticket,” he said blandly.

“I don’t have it…”I said quite pathetically, “but I can prove I bought a ticket!” He sighed and looked away from me placing a hand on my shoulder to scoot me out of line.

“Sir I can’t let you in without a ticket, you’ll have to leave.”

“No wait!” The panic was settling in when I noticed both Mikasa and Armin had already entered the doors taking Jean with them. This was _not_ happening to me. No. today was supposed to be the best night of my life!

“I have an extra ticket, he can have it,” a voice, spoken in a low tone almost melodic traveled through my ears. Maybe it was in my desperation but, this voice sounded like an angel. I glanced over my shoulder to the source of it and an actual whimper escaped my lips. He was beautiful; no he was marvelous and had to be one of the most attractive people I had ever seen in my life. He had dark hair, black to be exact and it was parted down the middle. His face was soft, no defining cheek bones or chiseled chin but somehow I knew those types of strong masculine features would be out of place on him, he didn’t need them. No, he held the power all in his eyes. They were dark, blazing grey eyes that were accompanied with what appeared to be slight baggage underneath them but not enough to draw away from their attraction. Captivating as they were though, I had never seen eyes that displayed such melancholy in my life. It was actually quite disheartening.

The man extended his sleeved arm over and gave the ticket man the precious article and let him scan it before handing him his own. The man who to me like a walking enigma, kept forward walking forward and I didn’t dare follow until the worker gave me the okay to do so by a jerking motion of his head that read ‘go ahead’. As soon as the clear was given I was gone, tailing directly behind my savior only moments ago. He had walked over to the railing and I watched as he leaned over slowly, relaxing his body while other concert goers flooded around him. He too like most had on a black long sleeved shirt for The Goddesses and faded blue jeans with slight rips and tears. I took this as my chance and crept up next to him.

“Hi,” I said and immediately regretted it. This had to be one of the most pitiful approaches I had ever given another human being in my entire seventeen years of existence.  The man didn’t reply though, he didn’t even glance in my direction. Instead he drew in a long breeze of air and I watched as his chest filled with the air slowly before he blew it out. His attention was then on his pocket as he was shuffling through it for something. I recognized the item instantly as a cigarette or as my mother would call it, a death crayon because they colored your lungs black. With swiftness he lit it, took a deep inhale and exhaled the smoke out coolly.

“What do you want kid?” He questioned finally turning those grey gems on me. He didn’t sound upset at my attempt on talking to him or even annoyed, but he certainly didn’t sound all too curious either.

Somehow, I was able to conjure up words, “I uhh,” I was fiddling with my fingers, “what you did back there was, well I mean, I guess thanks. It was cool.” Lame. Ultimate lame. It was hard to even think straight when such expressionless eyes were just boring into mine. It was almost unsettling.

I thought he would at least say something like ‘no problem’ just some sort of comment linking with my appraisal. Instead all I got was him rolling his eyes as he took another drag of his death crayon and turned away, “Get the fuck away from me brat.” Plain and simple.

Whatever I had been expecting, it sure as hell was not _that_. I couldn’t think of a single person who was this…I couldn’t even think of a word for it. Had it been Jean talking to me like this, punches would’ve been thrown already with blood on the floor. I had no idea why I didn’t walk away and apparently neither did he as he turned back to me.

“Why are you still here? Didn’t I tell you to get out of my fucking face?” He asked this time having something other than apathy in his voice, agitation.

I grimaced as his cloud of smoke reached my nose, “That stuff smells awful.”

“More reason to leave me to my business then isn’t it?” I said nothing and he actually held it out to me, “Want to try it?” For some reason it almost felt as if he was teasing me, as his eyes held some sort of amusement at his invitation, like he _knew_ what my answer would be.

The grimace on my face was evident unveiling my feelings on the subject to him, “No thanks, I don’t smoke.”

“Thought so, you don’t look the type,” he uttered, actually throwing it down on the ground and stepping it out grinding it into the floor. “You know, some of us actually need this stuff to help calm down.”

 “What’s got you all riled up?” I asked genuinely curious. As offsetting as this man was I had to admit that he was also very interesting in a way. The entire way he carried himself with his demeanor was something new to my eyes.

“No…I am not about to start complaining about my bullshit problems to some shitty kid that I don’t even know,” he countered as if my entire question had been completely ludicrous.

“I’m Eren,” I said extending my hand out to him. He looked down at it and then back up to me.

“I didn’t ask.” He had turned back to the direction of the stage and something about his body position told me he didn’t plan on turning back to me. He was done with this conversation.

Exhaling like someone who had been defeated I pivoted and prepared to find my way back to Mikasa and Armin. I was at least a good five steps away from him when that same melodic voice enchanted me once more.

“Hey!” I looked back to him and we held each other’s gaze. No words were exchanged but it was almost like some sort of energy was being passed between us. Something I could not explain but it was just… _something_. “I’m Levi.” And just like that he turned back around cutting off our contact as if it hadn’t really happened.

Dazed about what had just happened I felt my phone buzz in my pocket and brought it out. It was from Mikasa and it read ‘did you get in?’ We exchanged a few words about how I did though I kept Levi out of the conversation instead telling her I used my silver tongue to do the trick.

Once I met up with them the room was packed and I realized that I had no chance of finding Levi again in all this ruckus. The Goddesses made their way onto stage and we, along with the crowd, went wild and I noticed someone had formed a moshpit down below. However, even though this was the time of my life I couldn’t help wondering what was going on in someone else’s life. More specifically, what put that pain in Levi’s eyes tonight?


	2. Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let the traumatic downfall begin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im back sooner than i thought i'd be! hope you guys enjoy this one, dont worry our precious levi comes very soon i promise :))
> 
> as always you can find me on tumblr at loseourmindstogether but anywhoo..
> 
> lets get this show on the road!

Why the hell was this happening to me?

The crisp golden rays of the sun had crept their way through my blinds and into my room landing directly on my eyelids. Grumbling, I displayed my irritation of nature by cursing out a ‘fuck you sun’ before turning my head to my left staring at the clock. It was 6:44am. The groan that came out of my throat was full of pure teenage angst. Today marked the first day of my final year at Trost High and apparently my first day was already starting out crappy. I still had a good twenty six minutes before it was even time for my alarm to blare to life and now I was wide awake. I turned my head back angling it so the ceiling was my target of vision.

What had I been dreaming about again? Oh yeah, the same thing that had been plaguing my brain for the past two weeks, ever since The Goddesses came to the city. Levi…

Just thinking about his name left my body feeling a tingling awareness of heat building up in a certain area. Even though no one was around I couldn’t help but feel the blush of awkwardness cloud my face as I used my left arm to hide my humiliation.  Here I was on a school morning with a pulsing morning wood for some man that I had only met once who had probably forgotten about me by now.

I shut my eyes harder choosing to focus on the way he appeared when he coolly took out his cigarette positioning it between two fingers before wrapping his lush lips around the bud. The flutter in my chest was quickening, convincing my breath to do the same. With my spare hand that wasn’t over my face I brought it up and touched my neck as I swallowed dryly. I allowed my hand to trickle downward, slowly as I ghosted my fingers above my chest. The gentle touches sent a quivering shiver down my back and my cock reacted immediately sending out a painful throb. I licked my lips tracing my saliva knowing what needed to be done now. My body was practically begging for it.

I trailed my hand lower flattening it and slickly moved it underneath my boxers. The second my hand wrapped around my throbbing dick, I could barely contain the small whine that escaped my lips and my hips responded by bucking upwards a bit. I stroked myself and moaned once again as I gripped the tip with my thumb swirling around the pre cum that began to surface there. My hips began to mimic the motion of my thumb swirling a bit and I nibbled my lip, savoring the sensation raging through me. Gradually, I began to stroke my shaft to a rhythm that wasn’t too fast paced but not agonizingly slow. With each pump all I could visualize were chilly, grey eyes examining me with a primal lust that could send me over the edge.

“Shit,” I breathed feeling the tightness of my muscles begin and my toes curl. My panting grew heavier and more irrational till I finally came all over my hand. I inhaled deeply and exhaled like I had run a marathon and was desperate for air. “Oh my god Levi...” I breathed taking my clean hand and running it across my moist forehead. I was ready to fall back asleep and would’ve until my ears were bombarded with my stereo alarm,

_SIE SIND DAS ESSEN UND WIR SIND DIE JAEGER!!_

I snapped out of the bed as if I was a military cadet and forgetting all about my cream filled hand used it to smack the off button on my stereo. Realization dawned upon me after a few seconds and I grimaced.  What a way to start the day.

 “What took you so long to get ready this morning?” My mother chirped as I made my way down the stairs. She like us was ready to start her day as she had on a business casual look donning a pink blouse and navy blue slacks with a bun in her hair.

“Uhhh, I’d rather not talk about it,” I said maneuvering my way past her gaze and over to Mikasa at the table.  I prayed she wouldn’t see the building shame in them. If my mother knew I had been jacking off to my fierce mental image of a man she would’ve had me hauled away to purification camp.

“Okay then,” she said shrugging her shoulders and turning to the fridge grabbing some orange juice. “Well guess what?” She said eyeing both of us with anxiousness, waiting for us to talk.

Mikasa took a bite of the bacon my mother cooked then answered, “You got that raise.”

“Wrong! I got the—oh dang it! Mikasa how did you guess it?” She said snapping her fingers in an ‘oh shoot’ type of way. Mikasa smirked

“It’s all you’ve been talking about for weeks,” she commented going in on her eggs now. Mikasa was right; all my mother had been discussing with us lately was her anticipation over possibly climbing up the ladder at her job. While Mikasa moved on to devour her piece of toast I worked with the pancakes in front of me before grilling my mother with my concerns,

“What did you have to do to get the job?” I specified causing her to snort and come over to the table with us grabbing a pancake and eating it as if it were an apple. My mom was hella weird.

“Well that old screwball Nick finally lost it last week. He was trying to pitch this idea about how our company should invest in some walls for the thousandth time and the seniors just had enough of it. They fired him on spot and gave me his job. He seemed really enraged by it but I’m sure he’ll get over it in time.” She said tossing the rest of the hotcake in her mouth. “So basically, I get to come home earlier from work now with the new shift and all. Isn’t that great!? We can all hang out together and tumble and bookface!” Her total oblivious words to her comment made me almost choke on my food of hysteria.

“Mom, its _Tumblr_ and _Facebook_ ,” I said correcting her. She giggled, and got up from the table.

“Oh you know what I meant,” she said waving it off. She glanced to the clock and then shifted her gaze back over to us. “Alright breakfast is over; you’re going to be late for school.” She said taking away the plates in front of us.

“It’s okay, we can risk it. Its senior year mom, I don’t think the teachers care if we’re late, it’s kind of what seniors do.” I said brushing her off but looking to Mikasa and casting a smile that she met me back with. We both had to admit we were ecstatic about it being senior year, this year was supposed to be the big blow out before it was all over.

She had crossed her arms however and was meeting us with the ultimate mom death glare. Damn, so this is where Mikasa got it from. “Go to school _now_ ,” she told us layering her voice with intimidation. How could a woman go from being so sweet to evil so fast? Moms.

“Alright, don’t have to tell me twice,” I said as I hurriedly shot up from the table discarding my plate in the kitchen sink along with Mikasa’s. We both gave my mother a quick kiss before grabbing the keys and heading out. Senior year here we come!

Upon entering the familiar building that reeked of with teen spirit through the halls, Mikasa and I separated. She decided to go off with her friend Annie while I set my mind on strolling through the hall where the all state and sports achievements were recognized. While I considered it strange that Mikasa would choose to befriend Annie of all girls at this school, I never said anything.

Once upon a time in freshmen year Annie and I had dated for a few months. While it wasn’t exactly horrible or anything it certainly wasn’t my proudest relationship. We were both so opposite of one another that other people even thought it odd that we chose each other. Well ‘chose’ wasn’t even the right word, I was determined to have a girlfriend and upon hearing she thought I was cute I asked her out. Yeah, the better word for it was actually desperate. We drifted apart due to us not having a single thing in common or even spending time together outside of a few occasions of making out. After my date with my hand this morning however, I was starting to wonder if it hadn’t worked out for other reasons.

It had been at least a good two and a half weeks since I had met Levi and every day I regretted not asking for his number. Frequently he would cross my mind and I would have to try my hardest not to let my lower brain take control. To be honest I didn’t even know if I was really gay. Sure I had developed a small crush on Armin back in middle school but that’s middle school, it’s nothing but confusion and awkward feelings. But still, the fact that I was able to get off to Levi this morning spoke volumes about my sexuality…

“Hey Jaeger!” I glanced in the direction of the voice and was pleased to see the big blond guy it came from. I grinned seeing my teammate charging towards me with another tree of a figure behind him.

“Reiner! Bertholdt!” I spoke extending my arms preparing for the bear hug; it was a common greeting for all the football players. Sure enough it happened from both of them all at once. When they decided they had enough of bodily contact we all broke apart.

“You ready to lead the team to another victory this year man?” Reiner asked punching lightly at my top right shoulder.

I rubbed at it, “I don’t know, hit me like that one more time and I’ll be out the whole season.” Reiner let his reply to my comment be his roar of laughter and Bertholdt watched him with a smile of his own.

He chimed in “If you’re grades look anything like the way they did last year then you won’t be doing anything this season. If only you were on my level...” he teased with a fake condescending smile.

I awarded him with the most dead pan face, “You pretentious motherfucker.” I said shaking my head side to side. Bertholdt literally had .02 of a grade average higher than me but I knew he would brag about it until he was blue in the face.

Reiner, getting a hoot out of my insult to Bertholdt snickered then straightened up, glancing all around me dramatically as if I were a science experiment. “Where’s that hot sister of yours?” He asked giving a lop sided mug.

I recoiled my head backward a bit; obviously disturbed by that comment but could you really blame me? I cleared my throat and proceeded to lift up one finger between both of us, “Okay first off she’s my sister dude,” half sister technically but close enough. I lifted a second digit, “Second off, she’s not _hot_ she’s my _sister_ ,” I made sure to put double emphasis on that last part. Even though Mikasa was not true blood to me, she had been around long enough to make all knowledge of knowing males wanting to lavish her invoke protective brother mode out of me.

I could tell from the molding of his lips he had more to say but the chime of the warning bell indicated that we only had one minute to make it to class. Without exchanging real goodbyes, just a muttered ‘see ya’ we all broke apart scrambling to our first class of the day. I wondered how long this day would be.

“I just don’t understand why fate keeps doing this to me,” I explained putting my head in my hands. If I could look straight into the heavens right now I would look god in the eye and ask ‘why?’

“Fates not just fucking with you Jaeger, it’s fucking with me too,” Jean drawled leaning onto his wrist as he had his elbow up on the table.

It was the last period of the day, AP chemistry and we had just been assigned partners. _Semester_ long partners. In case no one understands my pain, I had basically just been assigned to deal with horse face Jean Kirstein for sixteen weeks straight. This was turning out to be more anticlimactic than those cheesy slasher flicks.

“Does anyone have any questions?” Our teacher this year was an old man named Pixis and I watched as he scanned the room looking around the room for any objectors to his question. Immediately I rose my head up from my hands and snapped my hand upwards in the air like a woman in church trying to testify. Pixis lowered his gaze upon me and expelled a breath from his lips. “Anyone else but Eren?” Not a sound was uttered. “ _Anyone_?” He pleaded. At last he gestured his hand in my direction indicating the floor was to be all mine and I would’ve taken it too had I not heard the small mumble from beside me,

“You could at least give me a chance…” I peeped my eyes over and remarked that Jean had spoken it under his breath while twiddling with his thumbs. His expression read that of someone who was dejected, maybe I was being a bit _too_ hard on him.

“Eren, what is it you wanted to say?” Mr. Pixis questioned me. I lowered my hand and slid it on the counter in front of me.

“Nothing, never mind.” With that being said Pixis dismissed my words and whirled around to commence explaining how to conduct our first assignment of filling out the element chart to have for notes. I brought out my book and began to copy down the chart from there.

“Hmm, I’m shocked. I thought for sure you were going to beg him to trade you partners,” Jean stated. I kept my focus on my work.

“Nope.” I didn’t want to open the floor up for conversation.

“Good thinking, I couldn’t imagine anyone who would want to team up with you,” he said and I could practically hear the smirk in his voice. I glanced at him as he took a sip from his bottle of water. He glanced at me, “What are you staring at?” He accused.

“Oh nothing, just wondering how many years I would get for poisoning your drink,” I retaliated in my best smart ass tone possible. I can’t believe I had sympathy for this guy. Jean grimaced.

“I don’t see why Armin wants to be friends with you,” he replied.

“I don’t see why Armin wants to fuck you,” I retorted taking note that the school phone every teacher had on their desk was ringing from Pixis’s.

The banter would’ve continued for ages on end had I not received an announcement from Pixis intercepting the entire conversation. “Eren Jaeger,” he spoke grasping my attention with the sudden cryptic change in his voice, “Take your things and go to the office. You’re needed there.”

Suddenly all the eyes in the room were on me, staring with puzzlement. Equal with confusion I stood, gathering my things and leaving headed for the office.

Once I reached the set destination I extended a hand forward slowly twisting the knob before opening the door and the moment I did, I knew something was _wrong._ For one, not only was the office devoid of any other students of staff, a rare sight, but there were only three figures in the room. Mikasa was among them, donning all of her belongings as well but it was who she was talking to that made a pit in my stomach form. One man, above average height and blonde was wearing a crisp black suit and was speaking to her gently with a hand on her shoulder. The other was a man of average height with bushier blonde hair, a firefighter. Forgetting about it momentarily I shut the door behind me earning a glance from all three of the beings in the room.

“Eren,” Mikasa breathed out in a grim tone that came off as almost as a whine. Oh my god, something was really wrong. Mikasa _never_ whined, I had never heard her voice waver as much as it did just now and she had only spoken one word.

“What’s going on?” I was panicking; I could feel the frantic convulsions launch and spread through my hands as they were becoming severely unsteady. My shoulders were locked tight, in one brief moment my body transformed into the poster child for anxiety.

No one answered me, but the man sporting the suit was the one who strode over towards me. He was tall, towering over me by a good six inches. His build was firm; defined and conditioned I could tell through the suit accompanied with sticking blue eyes that rivaled Armin’s. Under any other circumstance I’d have found him attractive but my distressed state of mind would not let me. Stopping within arms length of me he brought out a hand in greeting allowing a small placid smile to cross his features, “Hello Eren, my name is Erwin Smith and I am a detective for the Milford police department.” His voice was deep, pleasing to the ears. Robotic, like a machine I reached and grasped his hand noting how firm his shake was.

“What’s going on?” I pressed asking the exact same question. It was all my brain could formulate at this point. Mikasa had stepped from her old position to my side now choosing to be in close proximity.

Detective Erwin kept his eyes on me and they appeared to be almost sympathetic, “Today at 1:45pm on Stoness Ave there was an accident,” he began causing my eyes to flicker all over his face searching for the meaning of this, “to be more exact at the address 23308.” Silence. I did not say a word and because of this Erwin’s eyebrows creased and his eyes shaped pity, “it was your home Eren.”

No. _No._ This was not happening. This was all incorrect. Nothing horrific had happened at my house, that’s impossible. I’m Eren Jaeger. I play football and I have a great life. Nothing bad could happen to destroy that right? Right?

“Your home was set ablaze, intentional from what we believe. Nothing remains but rubble. I’m truly sorry to tell you two kids this but your mother was still inside the home when it burned down.” Erwin said his voice was laced with unspoken condolences.

I thought I would cry, scream, punch the man who was creating these lies in front of me or _something_. But it was odd the only thing I could find myself doing was laughing, hysterically. It was unsettling even to my ears and it showed in everyone’s face who was in the room as they stared at me in absolute dread. Tears were nearly dripping from my eyes and my stomach was in pain from the act. Finally, wiping a tear from the corner of my right eye, I looked Erwin straight in his eyes and spoke, “You’re full of shit,” I challenged.

“Eren—” Mikasa warned grabbing my hand but I kept on.

“I don’t believe this bullshit for a moment!” I cut her off raising my voice. “So you’re trying to tell me that my home is gone and my mother— _my mother_ was murdered by someone. I don’t believe a second of it. She just got a raise today,” I had no idea why that last part came out of my mouth but it did, slid right off my tongue.

Erwin remained quiet, choosing not to speak for a moment before talking again, “We have the suspect in custody. Do not worry, justice will be served.”

Now I was mad. I ripped my bag from my shoulders hearing it slam on the ground and got in his face despite a screaming Mikasa who was desperately clinging to my arm.

“ _Stop_ saying that!” I hissed at him. “My mother is not dead! You have no proof! She’s home right now waiting for us to get home and—”

Suddenly I could hear my voice dying out on me as another overshadowed it. I angled my head towards the west looking at the TV that had been cut on by the firefighter whose badge I read out to be Hannes. It was on the news, and on the news it was loud and clear.

_Today we are grieved to say that 38 year old Carla Jaeger has died today as she was apparently trapped inside her home that was set on fire by a suspect police have yet to reveal. It was said in the reports that remnants of a molotov bomb were found on the crime scene. Firefighters who arrived on the scene claimed that she appeared to have been crushed by the home as the fumes suffocated her. What a truly sad day for this family._

He cut the television off but he didn’t need to as a ringing had been traveling from both sides of my brain flooding my ears. The already wet paths on my face woven by past tears of humor were now once again replaced by tears of utter heartache. That day, the halls of Trost High were plagued with my languishing cries of sorrow that I was sure would remain in these halls for the rest of my life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope no one was scared off by this haha


	3. The Change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enter absent father

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woooo this one is a longer chapter for ya. I was thinking of double uploading this week because well why not? we'll see how that goes however based off your response to this chapter. 
> 
> Like always, you can find me on tumblr at loseourmindstogether  
> and without further ado lets goooooooooooo :D

They say that when people are depressed, they resort to wearing darker colors like navy blue, browns, or most typically black. This was not the case for me. For most people, the color black provides them the illusion of darkness. And they think of it as a hole that swallows them slowly devouring them up piece by piece until there is nothing left. But I am the opposite. When I think of depression I think of white. It represents nothingness; it stretches out as a timeless void that offers no color, no life. It was just nothing, like my future, like me. Just nothing.

One solid week had passed and though that may sound as it were a long time, it didn’t feel that way. The seconds ticked by while I remained stationary. The seconds converted to minutes and soon those were transformed into hours. Time was whisking by and I had truly not paid attention to it whatsoever. Time did not matter anymore. It would _not_ heal my wounds. It would _not_ make things better and it certainly would _not_ bring my mother ba—

No. No, I could not let my mind wander there. I found out the hard way what thinking about it would do to me, to my brain. Imagining the excruciating pain she must have went through. Being crushed by the house, having her internal organs feeling like they would burst. Her blood curdling scream of terror for someone, _anyone_ to help her. The suffocation of her lungs as debris and ash piled inside, blocking her source of air… _oh god._

“Eren!” Armin called grasping my attention. My eyes came into focus on him as he sat by my side at the lunch table. The look of distress on his face told me that I must not have looked okay. Scratch that, I was _sure_ I did not look okay. Since the incident last week I had been reduced to wearing clothing given to me by Armin but I had known that it belonged to Jean. Only he would spray down a plain white t-shirt in axe body spray. Though Jean had denied being any part of this scheme and Armin wouldn’t dare confess to it, I knew.

Wiping away at my forehead, which had light sweat, I expelled a breath from my body hunching over the table while doing so. “Sorry, I got… lost in my thoughts.” I was now running both hands through my hair ruffling it around a bit.

He exchanged his eyes from being focused on me to what was in front of me, “You haven’t touched your food,” he observed. His voice told me that he wasn’t shocked. After the incident Mikasa had told Armin and without hesitation he opened up his home of him and his grandfather to us. Each night at dinner had been the same; everyone would eat while I would stay trapped in my own personal hell inside my head.

“I’m not hungry,” I spoke quickly trying to brush it off.

His face creased a bit to my comment and his eyes softened, “Eren you haven’t been eating properly for the past four days. You need to get something in you before your body gives out,” he said.

“I know.” I wished he would stop speaking.

“I’m serious Eren, you have to—”

“Armin, I said I know!” I rose my voice at him causing him to freeze in his words and several heads in the room to turn towards me. Realizing what I had just done, how horrible I was being, I bit down on my lip to keep from talking.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Armin asked leaning in closer while placing an arm on my back for support. That was the last thing I wanted to do. What was there to say? Shaking my head I rose up from the table putting both hands in my pockets.

“Nah it’s fine.” I sounded quite miserable even to my own ears. “I’m going to go to class earlier okay?” I didn’t wait for an answer but instead turned on my heel heading for the door. I was 99% sure Armin knew damn well that I was lying. Skipping class had become like second nature to me now, and a main reason for that was being displayed now.

“Look it’s Eren...” I could hear some kids whispering to each other as I walked past.

“I feel so bad for him and Mikasa,” some no named freshmen commented.

I clutched my hands into fists at my side. I fucking _hated_ when they did that. The news had been playing that broadcast on repeat making it difficult for every person in Milford to not know what had happened. Now everyone had been looking at me with absolute pity. Every time either I or Mikasa walked by a herd of people they immediately silenced themselves and gawked. I felt like we were fucking lepers. People were walking on eggshells around us, my buddies on the football team, my friends, teachers, hell even Jean. He hadn’t laid a decent sarcastic comment on me since the day I was called into the office. It was racking my brain.

Finally reaching my destination, I brought my arms out in front of me pushing the cafeteria doors open and continued down the hall resting my hands in my pockets. To be honest I didn’t even know where exactly I was going and I was oddly okay with that. My phone buzzed inside my pocket and I brought it out only to feel my stomach sink at the message. It was from Mikasa and it read simply, “He’s coming back.”

“When it rains it fucking pours,” I spoke underneath my breath clear agitation in my tone.  I typed her back quickly, my fingers rapidly pressing over the keyboard of my iphone trying to figure out where she was so we could discuss this. I waited for a few minutes until she found me in the hall, calmly walking towards me. I was not the only one who had visibly changed since that day but Mikasa had as well. While once she could be seen smiling down these halls, her face help no sign of any past happiness. Her eyes no longer gleamed but instead appeared cold. She never was one to talk much before but now, she barely spoke opting to keep her words to herself. I assumed it was her way of dealing with the pain.

“Please tell me you’re joking,” I said when she was close enough. I was met back with a blank stare, of course she wasn’t joking. I sighed and looked all around completely frustrated with all of this bullshit.

“Eren, calm down,” she commented reaching out to grip my shoulder and I allowed her.

“Fuck him,” I gritted out. “He’s never bothered to be around in the past and now he thinks he can just whisk back into town and mold back into our lives. Hell no,” I spat out using my right hand to signify a ‘no’ gesture. Mikasa merely listened, flickering her eyes to the ground for a brief moment then back up to me.

“You need to calm down,” She stated in a rather monotone manner while removing her hand from me. I wanted to bombard her with questions of how she could remain so passive about this topic but then I remembered Mikasa always had been better with her temper than I had. “I told him that we were staying with Armin. He said that he’ll be by sometime next week to get us.”

I felt like a fire had erupted from my core, “I am _not_ going with him. You can go but I’m staying with Armin,” I said pointing a thumb towards myself. Mikasa’s eyes glimmered with something briefly that I could not recognize. There was a momentary silence between us, almost as if she were contemplating something, then she finally returned to the conversation.

“I’m not going if you’re not,” she said very matter of factly with a stern voice.

“Just two seconds ago you were rambling about how you wanted to leave with him and now you’re changing your mind,” I accused crossing my arms and looking at her suspiciously.

She angled her head downwards avoiding my intense gaze upon her making it difficult to read her eyes. I watched as her body language morphed from being stoic and closed off to more vulnerable as her shoulders rose and she wrapped one arm around the other, almost appearing to be hugging herself. “I don’t have much left,” her voice rang out, barely above a whisper, “all my family is gone, except for you.” She surprised me by refocusing her dark orbs on my green ones that led me straight into her soul. They were practically emitting her inner anguish. “Eren, all we have is each other now, we have to stay together. I will not leave you behind.”

When did Mikasa suddenly evolve into the older sibling? Sure she was older than me by a good month but still, previously it had always been me protecting her, keeping her together. Especially during her fragile time when she first moved in with us and became a part of our family. Back when we were one big happy family…

“Okay,” I breathed meeting her eyes ensuring her that I understood every word she had spoken to me. She nodded, relief easing back into her body before returning her eyes to my face but this time she looked a little irritated. “What?” I asked confused.

“Armin says you haven’t been eating,” her voice had lowered dramatically and I had an uneasy feeling as I imagined a dark aura radiating off of her.

I stepped back a bit, “Yeah, you probably would’ve noticed if you weren’t spending so much time with Annie.” It was true; Mikasa had barely been about lately choosing to be around Annie. As a matter of fact, the clothes on her back resembled something my strange ex would wear. Looking to her face I was stunned when her lips quirked a bit revealing a tiny smile.

“What can I say, she’s good company.” I could barely believe that.

“What do you guys even do when you hang out?” It was a simple question spawned out of genuine curiosity. Mikasa merely shrugged.

“Girl stuff.” With a vague answer like that I dropped the topic deciding not to pry. I had no idea what the hell that meant whatsoever. “Apologize to Armin. He’s been nothing but a good friend to us Eren, to _you_. Don’t shut someone out for caring about you.” Mikasa’s words had been simple, but they lingered in my head for the remainder of the day playing over and over again.

 

I heard the school bell resonate indicating that they day was finally done and over with. I, having ditched the remainder of classes after lunch, was waiting by Armin’s car for both him and Mikasa. Well technically it wasn’t his car but his grandfather’s. It was a 1996 black BMW, a nice hand me down if you ask me. I stood patiently for the arrival for my friends when a rather chipper bunch of voice called out to me.

“Hey Eren!” I looked around the parking lot until I found the source of girly voices. I smiled lightly noticing it was all of the cheerleaders who were waving at me while dressed in their blue and white ‘titans’ jumpsuits. The loudest one being Sasha, the captain who was violently scrambling her arms like a chicken. “You better be at practice tomorrow!” She hollered across the lot using those cheerleading lungs. I gave her a thumbs up indicating to that I understood her blunt demand and she grinned massively. Though most were afraid to talk to me at this point, Sasha had not cowered away but instead spoke to me directly insisting that I show up to practices as obviously, I had been missing those as well. If there were two things Sasha took seriously, it was school spirit and food. Seriously that girl could clean out an entire buffet by herself.

I watched as her and the rest of her squad disappeared behind the gates that led to the football field where they practiced next to the football team. Then I heard another voice, but this time not one that settled kindly to my ears. More like a cat’s dying wail. No wait, like nails being scratched slowly down a chalk board—

“EREEEEEEN!!” Whirling to my left I saw Jean hurling towards me with a fluid stride in his step and blistering animosity rupturing in his eyes. I turned my body, angling so that I could defend myself against his oncoming attack but was not prepared when he reached me and snatched his arm out in front of me wrangling my shirt by the collar. “You bastard!” He roared in my face. “You fucking idiot!” He shook me this time along with his words and I noted how strong he actually was. Why was he not on the wrestling team or something?

I shuffled a bit in his shirt, pulling my neck back from the collar so that I could breathe a bit. “Jean I have no idea what the hell—”

“Shut up!” He commanded. Shocking my own self I obeyed him. This was the most angry I had seen Jean with me in a while, especially considering how he had been acting almost peaceful towards me recently. “Listen Eren, I get that you’re angry and hurting and fucking ready to explode on anyone but Armin is _not_ just anyone. He’s your fucking best friend you dipshit and today you hurt his feelings. You made him look like an idiot for caring about you and your damn well being!”

I don’t know what it was, Mikasa had told me the same general point earlier in our conversation but now, it felt bizarre. Witnessing Jean’s fury towards me. Perceiving his frustration that had reached a boiling point because of my attitude towards Armin. The fact that he had even went along with Armin’s requests to give me some of his clothes despite hating me spoke louder than words. Jean truly did care about Armin and while this was something I knew before, it was never as blatantly obvious to me than it was now.

I felt the loosening of his fingers on my clothing, and slowly the entirety of both my feet found their way back to the ground. Once his hands were back at his sides I took the liberty of flattening out my shirt that was now wrinkled up, hoping to get the creases out. “I’m sorry,” the words left my mouth feeling bitter. I wondered how many people had I owed this apology by now. Surely Armin wasn’t the only person I had been exhibiting my rank attitude towards this past week.

Jean, taking a moment to analyze my face as if he wanted to make sure I meant the words rolled his eyes groaning. “Look, I know me and you aren’t exactly Hansel and Gretel here but I think we can both agree that we care deeply for Armin. Except you know, me on a more intimate sexual level.” Like usual, I ignored the comment biting back the urge to show my disdain. “The point is Eren; I’ll tolerate your shit alllll night long if I have to but the second you give that shit to Armin I draw a line in the fucking sand.” And once again I heard the same line that I had earlier today with a previous lecture. “Apologize to Armin.”

We stood there glancing at one another, a fire blazing in both of our eyes. His were brimming with determination violently seeking an attitude change from me. Mine were surging with everything, all of my feelings I was keeping bottled up. Somehow, I felt my fire dim admitting to my mistakes and I backed down.

“I was planning on it,” I confessed turning my back to him. I heard his audible sigh of satisfaction.

“Good,” he expressed with a slight twinge of contentment in his voice. We both remained in a comfortable silence for a few lingering moments until Jean decided he had one final piece of advice for me. “Eren, you’re a ticking time bomb. You need to find a better outlet for your pent up anger.”

A better outlet huh? I doubted that was possible.

“You’ll be the first person I tell if I find one,” I said over my shoulder. I observed the rapid expression of bewilderment cross his features but then noticed a rather petite figure paired with a feminine one closing in behind him. “Your boyfriend’s here.”

Like a professional actor, any form of previous infuriation Jean had with me melted away, replaced by merriment when he saw Armin’s face.  I watched as he practically twirled his body and welcomed Armin in his arms lovingly. Mikasa however, walked past the dramatic scene over towards me before climbing into the car as Armin unlocked it. I couldn’t pull my eyes apart as Jean slipped his hand into Armin’s and gave him a tender kiss on the cheek. I hated to admit it but, for once in my judgmental eyes they looked adorable. I witnessed the look of discomfort as Armin’s blue gems settled upon my face and noted his nervous shuffling beginning.

“Uhh Eren,” he began to slip his hand out of Jean’s knowing how I felt about their public display of affection with me present. Allowing the tug pulling at my lips to take over I stepped forward till I was close enough and rested my hand on his shoulder reassuringly. Instantly, all his baffling stilled and his eyes zoned in focusing on mine.

“Armin, I’m sorry for the way I’ve been acting towards you lately. You’ve only been trying to be a friend to me and all I’ve been doing is lashing out on you.” I paused for an instant gripping his shoulder a bit tighter before continuing. “I am _so_ sorry,” I finished feeling my voice sting. Armin smiled meekly and then brought his hand up clasping mine.

“It’s fine Eren.” He nodded, face just about glowing, “Let’s just get home and grab something to eat.” His comment was laced with tease and I rolled my eyes playfully nudging his shoulder. He sure was persistent about that food.

We all began to strut towards the Beemer and climbed inside heading for home. For our home.

 

“I’m just saying, The Goddesses are good and all but have you heard the Wings of Freedom new album?” Jean threw his question back at me while we pulled up in the driveway or Armin’s home. I scoffed.

“No one is touching them Jean,” I added while climbing out of the back seat and to my slight entertainment closed my door at the exact moment Mikasa did.

“Eren, you need a new obsession, it’s getting unhealthy.” Jean responded in a semi creeped out manner.

“Go suck a dick,” I retaliated completely forgetting who I was talking to here.

“I can do that,” he tugged at Armin’s hand lightly grasping his attention and put on his best high pitched flamboyant gay voice, “c’mon hunny we got work to do!” Before I could even grasp my mind around his comment and reply, Mikasa had stopped in her tracks causing us to mirror her actions.

“What’s wrong with you?” I asked nudging towards her.

“Whose car is that in the driveway?” On cue, the three of our heads creaked to the right and discovered a brand new Audi parked there. It was a smooth vehicle and was enhanced by the sunlight practically making its white paint glitter.

“I don’t know,” Armin chimed in placing a pondering hand on his chin, “probably just one of my grandpa’s friends,” he shrugged it off heading for the front door and we all followed, despite Mikasa’s look of skepticism. Armin pulled away from Jean’s hand, as his grandfather did not know his sexual orientation, and reached for his keys. Once the door was opened we all flooded inside, our steps echoing through the foyer room.

From the next room over, to be more exact the dining room, we could hear Armin’s grandfather’s light laughter and I smiled gently to myself. While I and Jean stayed near the door, dropping down our belongings and such Armin and Mikasa rounded the corner into the dining room. Immediately Mikasa and Armin froze and from a side angle I could see the stupor on both their faces. Curious what the shocker was I began to walk towards their direction when Mikasa hastily whirled in my direction motioning for her hands for me to stop, “Eren, stay back there,” she cautioned but it was too late.

There sitting beside the head of the table chair was him, my father. He was dressed quite eloquently, a buttoned up black collared shirt with sleek navy blue dress pants. His hair slicked back into a ponytail just as I had always remembered it. His posture was poised even as he took a sip of what appeared to be wine offered by Armin’s grandfather. “Eren,” he spoke looking directly at me over his glasses in an imperious tone, “Long time no see. How have you been son?”

I hadn’t noticed it, but somewhere in between those few words exchanged to me, my fingers had curled themselves up taking defensive position. Fists, with nails digging into my palms were shaking at my sides and my teeth were aching already from grit. What the fuck was he doing here?

“Oh my Eren,” Armin’s grandfather expressed placing a startled shaky hand over his mouth. Apparently I had spoken that thought out loud.

My so called father stood from the table, the legs of his chair screeching across the floor. He motioned towards the elderly man with his usual grim expression coated on his face, “Mr. Alert I truly am sorry for Eren’s use of language. He’s rather worked up about this whole incident.” I noticed Mr. Arlert was wobbling his head weakly indicating he understood before returning my hateful glare back at my dad, no at Grisha. “Eren, use your manners,” his manner of speech was absolute, coaxed with authority and it pissed me off even more.

“Why are you here?” I accused completely disregarding anything previously spoken by him. A flash of slight annoyance passed his face before he answered me.

“Do not act surprised. You two are my children, and I’m here to pick you two up so we can go home.”

“No,” my lips were moving before my brain was even processing words, “We don’t need you Grisha we’re fine here. Sorry you wasted gas on this visit but you can leave now.”

The unease in the room was rising and it was noticeable in each person’s face in the vicinity. Poor Mr. Arlert watched helplessly from his chair, eyes ticking back and forward between Grisha and I. Jean had leaned off towards the wall looking as if he wanted nothing more than to blend in with it while Armin still remained in the doorway. Mikasa was firm in her step by my side however.

I watched as Grisha’s upper lip stiffened out and his eyes lowered, it was evident he did not appreciate my back talking. “Eren, go upstairs and pack whatever you have we are leaving _now_. Mikasa you do the same.” He demanded of us. We remained in place.

“I’m not going if Eren doesn’t,” Mikasa held her ground and he let out an audible sigh.

He brought a hand to his eyes and rubbed at them as if it was a therapeutic response, “Oh for the love of—”

Once again, my lips were flapping on their own. “So this is what it takes to get you to finally come out here and visit us?” I asked feeling everyone who was not a part of this look at us with bewilderment. “You haven’t called, emailed, hell you haven’t even sent birthday cards for the past seven years and now you’re here. Nice to know it takes mom’s death for you to finally step up and be a man.” I knew I was crossing a line, I felt it in my gut but I physically could not stop. It felt good, letting out my inner frustrations and anger on someone else and who better than him honestly. Armin did not deserve it by any means but him? This absent pitiful excuse for a father? Yes, yes he fucking did.

“Eren,” his voice began dipping low in octaves indicating his temper was rising. “You are not about to do this in front of other people. That is between us.” I threw my head back and huffed at that ludicrous statement. I could feel my composure slipping away, everything Jean and Mikasa had helped me get together and contain earlier gone. I couldn’t hide it, this kind of anger did not just go away and remain hidden, no it boiled underneath the surface and at the right trigger moment it exploded.

“Between us!?” I had risen my voice and was using my hands to aid my speech, “You mean like how marriage was supposed to be between you and mom but you went and fucked someone else.” Shots had been fired, mouths remained cemented in the ‘O’ formation. There was no going back.

Grisha was looking at me as if I had grown a third head and snapped back at me with the same force, “What does that have to do with anything?” Confusion was apparent from his quick jerking body movements and his face. How did this idiot not understand me?

I slammed my hands on the table, “It has to do with _everything_! You abandoned mom! You left us behind! Things could’ve been so different if you had stuck around!” I was heaving by now, my emotions running wild. “Mom wouldn’t have had to be here alone; if you were here you could’ve probably protected her, pulled her out of the house or something!”

So there it was. At the end of the day it all boiled back to her. Everything I was feeling did. All the pain, all this hurt, all this anger. Before I knew it warm salt trickles were slipping from my eyes and crashing onto the floor at my feet. “It’s just not fair,” I wept, my voice cracking and failing me at certain points. “She was the one who raised us. She was always there caring for us and now she’s dead and we have nothing.”

Although I hadn’t meant to Mikasa had become overwhelmed as well and allowed only a few strings of tears to fall down her face before wiping them away. Meanwhile I was still balling my eyes out. Everyone remained silent not knowing how to deal with seeing my pain firsthand so I spared them the trouble.

“I’m going for a walk,” I said while sniffing and wiping away at my tears. I recovered my shoes and grabbed my jacket before making my way outside the front door. Just as earlier today I had no clue where I was going in the halls, I had no clue where I was going now. I just had to get away. But one thing was true.

Jean Kirstein was right; I was a ticking time bomb. I feared that if I didn’t do something to find a better outlet I was going to end up all alone.

 

I had no clue how long I had been venturing throughout the city but I was sure it had been a few hours. I stopped a short while ago to buy ice cream and sat on a bench watching as the sun set. The sky had changed now, the light once there was snuffed out and replaced by tiny stars and overall darkness. I exhaled, running a troubled hand through my hair. When had things become so shaky? Just last week my life had been ordinary. I was planning on leading my school to the championships in football, colleges were contacting me for scholarships and my mother had been ecstatic about it. But now, things had shifted dramatically. I doubted my team wanted anything to do with me since I had been skipping out so much, and who even knew about college anymore.

I was so lost in thought that I barely noticed the smaller form of body I had aggressively bumped into. I jerked back immediately as the person’s head impacted with my chest.

“Watch where the fuck you’re going you big ape,” that voice. I had recognized it, and the second it registered in my brain who it was my body was quick to react. My palms began to get sweaty, I could feel my knees weakening and worst of all the thudding in my heart.

“I’m sorry Levi,” my voice was a bit unsteady and I noted how much of a child I sounded. I watched as he went from the act of brushing himself off to looking at me those intimidating grey eyes. They were scanning my face for recognition.

“Oh it’s you,” he said remembering. “You’re that kid from the concert. Edwin. No that’s not it, Ean. Or maybe it was Elijah..”

The disappointment settled into my stomach. He had forgotten about me while I had vividly remembered him. “It’s Eren.” I reminded him. He snapped his fingers like it was an ‘aha’ moment.

“That was my next guess,” a breeze flew by and he rested his hands in his pockets. “Anyway, what’s a kid like you doing out this late at night in the worse part of the city?”

“I’m not a kid,” I said slightly offended at that. He continued blankly staring at me.

“How old are you?”

“Seventeen.”

His voice went dangerously low, “How long have you been seventeen?”

I raised an eyebrow and pondered, “Uhh about half a year?” Something about my answer didn’t please him as he sighed dramatically shaking his head.

He sucked his lips together then glanced around me, “You were supposed to say, ‘a while’. You know? From Twilight,” I shook my head as I had not seen that movie before for a reason. “Well, that’s makes you the only smart one in your entire generation. You’re still a kid though.” He had settled on that and I sighed sensing he was a stubborn type so I could not change his mind.

“Well how old are you?” I challenged back.

“Twenty three,” he responded effortlessly and coolly. “You still haven’t answered my question.”

I shuffled a bit, averting my eyes to the ground, “Something happened at home alright? I…I don’t want to go back so I’m just wandering.” After remaining silent for a moment I glanced upwards and sucked in a breath as his hand rested on the sleeve on my jacket. It was not actual physical contact, but the fact that he would even think to touch me had my body tingling all over. The heat was rising to my face and I knew I was beet red in the face. I silently thanked the darkness for hiding it.

“Come with me,” he said gently. It was a simple statement, with simple meaning, but in my ears it rang out enchantingly like a call from a siren.

“B-but why?” He had been so standoffish that night at the concert and now it was almost like he was showing compassion. To say the least I was confused.

He turned letting his hand fall from my jacket and sink back into his pocket, back facing me, “Let’s just say I know what it’s like to be…lost in this big fucked up world of ours.”

Empathy. He was feeling empathy towards me and here I was questioning it. His feet were moving, he was expecting me to follow him. He was a man that was practically radiating with pain. He was just like me, but a much more levelheaded version. He had found some sort of way to deal with his feelings. He had the answers.

_You need to find a better outlet for your pent up anger_

Jean’s words played through my head over and over. Suddenly I knew, I knew what had to be done. Lifting my foot which felt heavy as a brick, I followed Levi picking up my pace to stand by his side. I still had no idea where I was going but just knowing I wasn’t alone anymore was enough to keep me by his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's our baby Levi! Don't worry, they'll be more of him next week :D


	4. Brownies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a first time for everything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised here is the double update for this week. BUT before anyone tries to message me talking about how this chapter isn't possible understand that i wrote this based off a personal experience with the drug soooooooo its very very possible. 
> 
> Tumblr, find me at loseourmindstogether
> 
> lets roll

Whatever I had been expecting, it was not this. Levi had opened the door to an apartment, more specifically apartment number 355 on the third floor and it appeared to be in mint condition. The carpet was white; all white not a speck of dirt to be seen. He had a rather odd shaped glass table in the middle of the room and a zebra striped rug underneath it. I glanced over at him questionably and watched as he bent over taking his shoes off. Almost as if he sensed my gaze he looked up and met my eyes back with his own.

“What are you staring at?” He didn’t sound annoyed this time unlike before when I stared at him.

I shook my head stupidly, “Nothing I just didn’t take you for the zebra design type is all.” It was true. I had been imagining for weeks now that Levi seemed like the type of person who would have gritty heavy metal posters hanging around and maybe some sort of ‘fuck you and your opinion’ poster with a guy sticking up the middle finger to society. But I was wrong; all I saw was a rather fashionable apartment with a modern design to it. Score one for reality, zero for Eren.

Reaching up and brushing through his hair, he stepped over the small rug he had set up for shoes and let his foot hit the carpet, “I know, it’s pretty fucking cheesy but it was a gift. I couldn’t just throw it awa—STOP.” I froze, foot in mid air and body slightly hunched forward from the walking motion I was planning on doing. Levi brought up one fine finger and pointed it low, causing my eyes to follow it.

“Your shoes. Take them off first. _Don’t_ step on my carpet with your shoes on.” His voice was so absolute I simply had to obey it. I hurriedly clawed at the laces trying to get them off so I wouldn’t get snapped at again. For a short man he sure could be demanding and intimidating. I noted to myself to remember he has a thing for cleanliness. Once the foot covers were off I stepped onto the carpet and stood in the middle of the room awkwardly until he turned to me.

“You can sit. Go ahead and make yourself comfortable.” I did as he said and scooted myself onto the comfy couch he had set next to a fireplace. Above it was a nicely sized flat screen TV that he had cut on through the kitchen, and of all the stations he just had to have it set on the news. The woman anchor seemed to be talking about frivolous things at first until it began,

_And in further news Detective Erwin Smith had nothing to say about the murder case of Carla Jaeger that occurred just last week._

That same detective that I had remembered so well had appeared on the screen. Still dressed head to toe in all black, he flawlessly waved off all cameras that came close enough in his range. I was mesmerized by it, this time taking the time to note how attractive he really was unlike before.

“Careful Eren, your gay is showing,” Levi commented dryly sitting down next to me rather roughly. I couldn’t help the light jump my body gave as he casually looped an arm around the back of the couch behind my head. He reached with his spare hand at a cup, steaming with tea most likely and took a small sip. “Of course I can’t really blame you. He is one hell of a man,” something about the way Levi said that didn’t sit well with me. Like there was more behind that statement than he was letting me on to.

“You know him?” I asked more out of jealousy than actual curiosity. I was so petty that something small like Levi liking him would make me instantly dislike the man.

Levi glanced at me from over his tea cup before pulling it away from his mouth. I watched intensely as his tongue came out and slowly lapped up the remaining juice from his lips. I mentally screamed at my dick to calm down. “In more ways than one, yes. He’s my ex boyfriend.”

Even though I should have been enthused as Levi had just basically admitted he was a homosexual to me, I wasn’t. Instead all I saw was green flood my vision, the true color of envy. That detective had been the luckiest son of a bitch in my eyes to even be able to say he had tasted Levi’s lips before. To even have Levi want to want him. Meanwhile all I could do over here was create fantasies in my head and masturbate to them like the lonely bastard I was.

“Oh,” I spoke quite lamely. It was all my brain could conjure up. For some reason I always had a hard time talking whenever Levi was around. It was an understatement to label it embarrassing.

Levi sighed placing the cup onto a coaster on the table, “But that’s all in the past now,” it would’ve been impossible to miss the slight somber drawl his voice created with that statement. It passed quickly however as he stretched and once again returned his arm around the couch but this time angled his body to face me more. “So tell me what’s going on at home.”

Blowing out a large consumption of wind I took in, I shivered. I watched him as he waited for me to speak, eyes profoundly centering all his focus on me. Not once did he avert them in another direction, in this moment I was everything. However unlike previously I was not intimidated by it but oddly enough content. He was patient as I had remained silent for a few minutes, like he understood I needed time. At last, I cracked open my mouth and began to tell my horrendous tale.

“That story,” I motioning pointing a finger up at the television, “That case your ex boyfriend is working on involves me.” I stopped and started cracking my knuckles, the pain it created easing me. “That was my mother who died. She was killed by someone and I don’t know why,” somewhere in the midst of the story I had stopped cracking all my knuckles and was focused on my middle finger on my right hand. It was jammed up, not bending to my will. I pushed harder, waiting for the satisfaction of a pop noise but nothing was coming.

“You’ll break it,” Levi announced placing a warning hand over mine. He took hold of it, gently spreading his fingers lightly over my knuckles and running down each individual finger slowly. My breath caught in my throat and I only released it when he suddenly pushed harshly against my finger popping it for me. I was saddened to see his hand leave mine. “Continue,” he pressed nodding at me.

I swallowed bringing my specially touched hand back against myself, to my chest. “Everything is just…wrong. My life is not supposed to be this way.” And so I told him everything. I told him about my absent father who had the nerve to show up when least wanted. I told him about the grief and anguish I agonized through every day because of my mother. I told him about how I was hurting those around me.

“I’m scared,” I admitted feeling the vulnerability pouring out of me. “I keep telling myself that everything is going to be okay but is it really? How long until these wounds will heal? How long until I can feel happy again? How long until everything goes back to normal…” at the last comment I lowered my head and had placed in into my hands. I couldn’t do this. It was simply too much to deal with. All of it. It was too fucking much.

“I don’t know,” his words hit me harder than a typhoon hits land. I looked up, slowly and saw that he was looking away from me now, for the first time since I started speaking. “I honestly don’t have a fucking clue but I wish to God that I did.” He was speaking softly now, though there was a miniscule twinge of bitterness when he spoke that captivated me. “Going through pain is a pesky part about being human. You think you have all your shit together and life is going to be okay again until bam,” he snapped his fingers on cue; “life slaps you in the fucking face and reminds you how cruel it can be. It strips you bare and leaves you all alone to deal with the mess by yourself.” He stopped talking now. We both maintained the silence, keeping the air calm as only our breaths passed through it.

“You…” I stopped for fear of stuttering to exit my mouth. I was looking at my hands that rested in my lap before I mustered up courage willing my eyes to look at him, “You seem like someone who knows how to deal with hurt.” He turned to me and raised one slim eyebrow. He brought one leg up from off the floor and rested it on the couch and leaned forward on one arm towards me.

“What are you trying to say brat?” He asked. Though his words were meant to sound harsh they did not. I could feel the anticipation behind them, the curiosity lurking behind his eyes. I had never met someone who could be entrancing in my life, this man had captivated me so easily and all he had to do was look at me. Talk to me. I could feel myself opening up under his gaze; I allowed those eyes to dissect me apart.

“Teach me,” I breathed out, barely above a whisper scooting myself forward with my arms. We were close; I could feel his breath ghosting across my face. “Teach me how to get rid of the pain. Help me. I just want to be happy again. I want to _feel_ again,” I brought my hand out and slid it over his and to my surprise he didn’t move away. I was breathing out my mouth now, the words coming out erotically as this proximity was alerting all of my sexual senses. My vision was becoming blurry, clouded with lust and an overwhelming desire to be touched by him was coursing through me.

Gracefully, he brought up one delicate hand that was not touching mine already and rested it on the back on my head. He caressed his slim fingers through my hair, weaving through it with precise patterns. I could not halt the moan that escaped my lips as I leaned back into his touch welcomingly. Time could stop moving right now and I would be fine with it, anything to savor this moment, the feeling. His hand traveled downward, skimming over the nape of my neck and maneuvered front, onto my cheek. His thumb traced under my eye lightly brushing against my bottom eye lashes. He leaned forward licking his lips and my heart began beating ferociously, anticipating the moment I had been dreaming of for weeks now. I closed my eyes and prepared myself and was taken aback by the sudden weight gain on my shoulder.

“Eren,” he whispered out alluringly, head resting on the grove of my shoulder. His light breath escaped his mouth and danced along my skin causing me to tremble. The way my name sounded leaving his mouth was so sexy, and it turned me on even more. He noticed it, gripped my hand tighter. “What you’re asking is dangerous. My world is different from yours, are you sure you want to become a part of that?”

How could I not? The heat of him so close to me was enticing. I had not felt this much of anything in a while so call me selfish but I wanted this. I wanted to latch onto this pleasure and wrap it around me. I wanted to be engulfed by it. I wanted to be beside him and go down whatever path he had taken. I didn’t care. I wanted this release. I _needed_ it.

I rolled my shoulder a bit forcing him to lift off of it. When he straightened his head out and was prepared to question my action, it was I who took him by surprise. I leaned in and rather aggressively claimed his lips. He was unresponsive at first, but that was quick lived as he reacted quite lively grabbing my face and pulling me closer into him. The kiss was rough, nothing passionate about it, so much as pure animalistic need. His tongue lapped over my lips and I parted them without hesitation and savored every bit of his sweet tongue scouring through my mouth. I seized my chance and sucked on his lips, those lips I longed to taste for so long and he eagerly responded by nipping on my bottom lip. I gasped a bit feeling the tight pressure of skin breaking. Before I could claim him again he pulled apart, a slight string of spit still connecting us before he broke it by getting up. Panting over the situation that had just happened, I touched my lips. Indeed he had broken skin and there was a small prick of blood but I didn’t care. That was the hottest kiss I had even received and I wouldn’t trade that back over a small blood spot. When he pulled apart we gazed into each other’s eyes, an unspoken understanding transmitted between us. Without words, I had expressed to him that I wished to cross over into his world, the kiss sealed the deal. There was no turning back now.

He hummed something to himself before standing and heading into another room. He was in the kitchen now, opening the refrigerator door, searching around it a bit before pulling out a bowl of tupperwear covered with saran wrap. I pondered it, thinking of what an odd time he had chosen to suddenly get hungry. He removed the wrap slowly placing it back onto the counter then made his way back over to me but stopping short.

“Kid,” he said standing over me from behind the couch, “I’m thinking with that kind of rage you’ve got, you need a whole new level of calm.” He stretched the bowl out to me and I eagerly sat forward anxious to see what was inside. My face scrunched up upon seeing the contents.

“Brownies?” I asked disbelief clear in my voice. He nodded and something rare happened, a small, small twitch of his lips happened, almost a smile.

He nodded. “Yeah,” he dug his hand out and grabbed one for himself. I still sat with skepticism.

“Okay but _brownies_?” I questioned twice making sure to reiterate the last word. Levi acted accordingly rolling his eyes and walking back towards the kitchen.

“What are you a fucking parrot? Yes Eren, brownies.” He did it again; he said my name, though this time not as passionately. For the second time I felt a cold chill run through me and I decided that I loved it when he said my name and I would wait patiently until the next time he did. He set the dish on the counter and I got off the couch following him into the room. I pulled out a chair, as he had a high sitting counter and took a seat.

“Sorry, I just don’t understand.” I looked to my left and saw an ashtray on the counter with used up buds. “I thought you said cigarettes cured stress.” I said remembering his words on the day we first met. He had said people used them to calm down so I had no clue what clumps of chocolate had to do with that.

He too pulled out a chair sitting across from me and lazily leaned forward resting his elbow on the surface. He placed his head in his palm and stared at me with a mild form of amusement. “I could name at least 21 ways to deal with stress but there are two that have never failed me.” He had my full undivided attention and he brought up one finger, “One,” he motioned to the bowl, “Getting medicated.” There was an underlying hint he wanted me to grasp with that comment but I still wasn’t getting it.

I stared blankly, blinking a few times, “I still have no idea…” his eyes dropped low, annoyance had kicked in. He brought the bowl to him and forcefully shoved it in my direction. I caught it quickly.

“Eat the brownie Eren,” He commanded as he took a bit from one of his own. I looked down at the bowl below me and contemplated. He had said getting medicated was a way to deal with pain but I was failing to see how a pastry food could have anything to do with that effect.  Then it finally clicked in my head. These were laced brownies. To be more precise, they were _weed_ brownies. I looked back to him and saw him slowly eating his in portions and decided to do the same. Grabbing the biggest one I could find, I lifted the chocolate to my mouth and took a huge bite. It tasted awful, its blast of undesirable flavor taking over that of the actual chocolate.

“Take smaller bites. You have to eat them slow otherwise it’ll hit you all at once and you don’t want that trust me,” he cautioned me. I heeded his warning this time taking a smaller portion of the brownie in my mouth and chewing much slower. I must’ve looked ridiculous because I actually heard a small laugh escape his throat; this whole night had to be a dream. “You look like a moron. Why are you chewing like a cow?”

I jerked my head back a bit sucking in my lower lip and looking away, “S-shut up,” it was all I could think of saying and it was clear he got a kick out of it as I could hear him blow air out of his nose indicating a small chuckle had been made. “Anyway,” I said hoping by now my flustered face had recovered, “What’s the second thing?” I had almost forgotten to ask being caught up in all the mess about weed brownies. He knew exactly what I was referring to.

Levi, still leaning in his hand was looking at me keenly, appearing to be contemplating his next words. He swallowed the remaining contents of the food in his mouth lazily, then advanced on what he had been telling me earlier, “The second way of coping is fucking.” He had said it so bluntly that I nearly choked on the brownie in my mouth.

I coughed a bit attempting to clear my throat, “Excuse me?” My voice cracked and I swear if I could beat the shit out of my own voice I would. It completely betrayed me showing my bashfulness of those words in that moment and Levi had caught on to it.

“But I can see you’re not ready for that kind of relief yet,” he shrugged it off slipping out of his seat and going for the bowl to place in back in the refrigerator.  

“Hey!” I hollered to him feeling complete and utter self consciousness take over. I mean seriously, could I make it any more easy for him to make fun of me? “Who says I’m not ready?” Truthfully I wasn’t entirely sure if I was but I couldn’t help but want to protest against his words. I might have been innocent but I didn’t want him to think of me that way only. I didn’t want for him to only think of me as a _kid_.

He straightened up having already put the bowl into the fridge, and then looked over his shoulder at me, “Your virgin eyes say it all.”

That, as they say, was that. My lips zipped and I could think of nothing more to say against that comment. He hadn’t been wrong; somehow I was still a virgin despite being a senior in high school and captain of the football team. It was the only thing Jean had over me considering he had lost his virginity a long time ago. To Armin actually. On second thought it was best to not think about this anymore, I didn’t want to waste his brownie by hurling it all up over his clean carpet. I was sure he would find some way to brutally punish me if that happened.

“Don’t worry though,” Levi said, voice sounding like a song to me as he walked by placing a digit under my chin, “I like virgins. There’s something about the inexperience and how even the slightest touch send them over the edge that I like,” he was damn right too. I could feel my body react to him instantly. I leaned forward hoping to steal a kiss but he continued strutting past me smirking. He knew exactly just how he was making me feel. He wiggled a finger for me to follow him and I was on my way to get up when suddenly it happened. The brownie _hit_ me. Like literally hit me.

As soon as my feet touched the floor I stumbled grabbing at the counter to help me keep my balance. My legs were wobbling, they felt like absolute noodles and that wasn’t even the worst part. My head…the weight of it felt immense, as if I was carrying around a five ton boulder on my shoulder. The left side was so heavy that all I could do to steady myself was lay it on the counter while I remained holding myself up looking like a deer walking on ice.

“Whoa. That kicked in fast. Maybe I shouldn’t have put so much in them,” Levi slurred, or at least is sounded like a slur. Everything, all the sounds around me were so… _intense_. Gaining some form of strength I lifted up and glanced all around the room as if I were truly seeing it for the first time. I could hear things, things that normally I wouldn’t have given a second thought to. The running buzzes of the kitchen electronics, Levi breathing softly from across the room, even my own fucking _thoughts_. They were so crystal clear, like I was truly in touch with my inner being. What the absolute fuck was happening?

“Eren,” Levi called out to me. Something was wrong with the air; it took about three seconds longer for his call to reach across to me. When it hit my ears I responded so sluggishly it was pitiful. “You alright?” He asked. He did ask me that right? I don’t know.

Still staggering, I forced my legs to obey my commands and stand straight. Once that was accomplished I took one step forward—and immediately crashed to the ground. My body felt no pain though; it honestly felt like I had been falling in slow motion and when I collided with the ground it felt surreal. Flipping over to my back I stared at the ceiling and watched as it swirled and created all types of patterns. The drywall his ceiling was composed of appeared so detailed now. I could see every grain piece it was constructed from and for some odd reason the thought of it made me laugh. Uncontrollably. I could hear light chuckles somewhere in the room though in my haze I could locate exactly where.

“You’re stoned,” Levi alleged and all I could do was crack up. What was funny about that? Nothing and yet _everything_.  Footsteps on the ground sounded massive in my ears, like a giant was walking beside me. In a flash, I saw Levi back in the fridge again. I giggled holding my stomach together.

“You’re so short,” I tried containing my laughter but couldn’t stop. “You’re so short but you’re so fucking hot.” I rolled over on my side still fighting back snorts of laughter. “Fuck Erwin, I don’t like him.” Where in the hell did that come from?

“What are you even talking about?” Levi sounded different too. Normally, he would have sounded more irritated at me but now his voice was so calm. So calm. Clearly the drugs were having different effects on both of us. When I didn’t say anything he looked into that bowl again and cursed making a ‘tch’ sound. “Damn it Eren, you ate the biggest one. That brownie was a higher special dose for me.”

I knew he was being serious but my brain simply could not register it. “Sooorrrry,” I sang out laughing. I laughed and laughed and laughed until my stomach was beginning to feel upset. Just when I thought I had had enough, the region where my frontal lobe was felt warm and just as quickly as the laughs came tears were now running down my face. I was sobbing ferociously. I was crying like a little baby and I could not will myself to quit.

“Oh my god, Levi I am so sorry,” I wailed. “I am a horrible person. I am so fucking sorry. I’m a piece of shit. I literally am a big brown log of shit. Just flush me down the toilet now, end my life!” The words I was speaking were so incoherent I wondered if they even made sense to Levi. I heard him sigh, wearily, and before I knew it he had scooped me up into his arms effortlessly. I didn’t know where we were going but I didn’t mind snuggling into his chest which to my liking was sculpted nicely.

Kicking open a door, Levi practically tossed me onto a cushiony surface where my body lay flat. I brought my hands up wiping away at my tears hastily. Spreading out a bit I wiggled my way into the soft surface and when I opened my eyes, he was hovering over me looking down at me with some sort of expression. Who knows?

“So much for my high…” he sighed pulling out a cigarette and bringing it in close ignited it with his lighter. Entranced by the smoke that left his cancer stick I watched it slowly dissipate into the air never to be seen again.

“Where,” I paused and blankly stared for a little longer. For some reason it was hard forming legit thoughts. “Where do you think smoke goes when it disappears?” Levi scoffed and blew out yet another puff.

“Shut up Eren,” he huffed out sounding like he was 100% done with me tonight. I didn’t understand. I had thought it was a high-quality question. He sat down on the bed next to me and placed a hand on my forehead. His skin was hot or possibly cold and I was the hot one. I just didn’t know anymore. “You stupid brat,” it came out more endearing than the actual context of the words. “Those edibles are going to float around in your system for at least another six hours.”

I had heard _that_ loud and clear. Automatically upon learning of this information, my body began to sweat nervously. I was freaking out, no; a better phrase was spazzing out. I could not do this; I could not be stuck like this for another thirty minutes let alone a whole six hours. Levi began to get up from the bed but my hand shot out grabbing his wrist that was covered in the sleeve of his shirt. I hadn’t noticed before but the first time I saw him he was wearing long sleeves then too.

_That is so irreverent Eren, focus._

I mentally jabbed at myself. Holding my eyes shut for some time I finally reopened them as they zoned in on Levi who remained still, waiting for me to talk.

“Please don’t leave me,” I pleaded feeling the tears coming on again. Why was I so damn emotional? “I don’t want to be left alone like this. I’m scared,” I sounded like a child even to my currently impaired ears. I was expecting him to pat my head and say something like ‘tough shit’ or ‘suck it up’. I was thrown for a curveball however when he sat back down, the bed creaking to his weight. He didn’t tear his wrist away but kept it there letting me hang on.

“You need to rest,” he simply said allowing his fingers to gently glide off of my face.

“Okay I will just…don’t..dont…” but I never finished what I had to say because just as quickly as the laughing came and went the wave of tiredness overcame me and I was lost in the darkness.

 

Colors.

So vivid and so extraordinary. Who knew that colors could be so captivating? My eyes were closed but behind them all I could see were swirls of luminosity, bright colors whirling around my eyelids. Somewhere in my mind, I saw Mikasa and I both dancing around carelessly within those colors. We molded into it, we belonged there in this blissful field of my imagination. We laughed, we pranced, and we made our way over to another figure that stood adjacent to us. It was waving us to come over and I instantly recognized it as my mother. She was beaming; I had never seen her glow so much in my life. But then suddenly she was gone and was replaced by another. I looked to my left and noticed Mikasa had disappeared as well. A hand was outstretched to me and I followed the arm up to the owner. It was Levi. With no reluctance at all I reached for his hand and was rewarded with him pulling me into his chest so strongly that we fell to the ground. He was on top of me, kissing feverously at my lips consuming me whole. My body was grinding upwards towards him seeking any kind of friction. My back arched when he moved lower licking at my collarbone, sucking tenderly.

“Levi,” I moaned out and just like that, my eyes snapped open. Completely alert now, I sat upwards and felt my head twirl at the action. I was still high and for some odd reason I was horny as hell. I looked down to my pants and was embarrassed to find my cock had risen almost to full erection. No one was here and yet, I was aroused to an extreme. My body felt hot, blood was running through me and all rushing to a certain area that could not be controlled. Before I could even register where my hand was going it was reaching for my pants unbuckling my belt. My cock was throbbing, it needed to be released.

Sliding my hand through my boxers I hissed at my light contact I made with my dick. It was so sensitive that I actually cringed. I felt like I was going to explode if I didn’t do something. I was not aware that I was so desperate I was creating whimpering sounds and actually turned over beginning to lightly dry hump the bed craving some sort of friction. I groaned out at the sweet sensation but nothing made my cock tingle more than the delicious voice that called out to me.

“Hey brat are you up yet?” Levi had come in through the door holding what appeared to be a water bottle. His voice was low and to my ears was ringing out, emitting pure sex. Had he seen me dry humping his bed? Touching myself? Maybe, either way he quickly disregarded the liquid he was drinking and came over to the bed. He loomed over me and I could not imagine what I must’ve looked like to him as I flipped over allowing him to see me face first.

I reached up, fingers grazing over his collar bone and gripping hold of his collar on his shirt. “Levi,” was that really my voice? It was so heavily laced with arousal that I couldn’t decipher it as my own. “I need you so bad,” I bit my lip, dick pulsating in my pants reminding me of its demands. “Help me. I’m so fucking horny. Touch me,” I began bucking my hips forward not quite meeting his body. “I want to feel you,” I growled out to him. That was all he could take.

He met me halfway crashing his lips onto mine, the force so strong my head collapsed back against the bed. That didn’t stop him however, he was hungry. His lips were attacking mine with furry and passion and in my euphoric haze, I returned the favor sliding my hands underneath his shirt clawing my nails in his back. He responded by moaning into my mouth and now was climbed onto the bed, spreading my legs apart by settling himself in between them. His breath was hot mingling with my own and I only pulled apart when he lowered himself slow grinding his member against mine. This, _this_ was absolute ecstasy, so pleasing that I never wanted it to stop. His lips left mine, trailing downwards in the nook of my neck where he began biting and sucking there. I copied him, licking and smacking as I sucked on his neck as well. I lifted a shaky hand up behind his head holding him there and instinctively rolled my hips onto his own making him groan so sexily against me.

“Fuck,” he growled out, before nipping at my ear lobe. His hands, those beautiful hands, that were resting on my hips were now making their way upward, trailing over my abs tenderly. My shirt was risen now resting just below my chin where it stayed. He lifted, closing in to give me one final kiss before he flicked out his tongue leaving a wet trail down my chest. He stopped. I tried to look up to see what happened when suddenly I felt it.

“Ahh,” I moaned as he took my nipple in his mouth lapping at it relentlessly. His breath danced along it making me tremble while his hand massaged the other. My breath was quickening, I didn’t know how much more of this I could take. My body was so damn sensitive. Just as quickly as he began he stopped, now lowering himself. I watched as he seductively slid downwards watching me sharply the entire way down. He stopped above my unbuckled pants and pulled back getting off the bed.

He stepped back, eyes just about as entranced as mine and voice even muskier, “Turn your body. Let your legs fall off the bed,” he commanded.

Showing all obedience, I followed his order sitting up and turning my body letting both my legs fall off the bed. I watched him patiently awaiting my next order excitedly.

“Lay down,” he guided stepping forward and placing a hand on my bare chest gently guiding me. My back hit the bed delicately and I stared at the ceiling awaiting his next move. His hands found my hips once more, this time digging his nails into them and hooking his fingers underneath both my boxers and pants. He slid them down and I shivered as his knuckles passed along the entirety of both my legs. Once the clothing was bare of my skin he disregarded them tossing them to his left before turning his attention back to me. He slowly lowered himself to his knees and I sat upwards on my elbows unable to break eye contact with him. His hands ran up my thighs before he snaked them inside separating my legs making me gasp.

“I want to hear you,” he commanded quite huskily and I gulped. I knew what he was about to do but was I ready? There was no time to prepare myself because just like that he brought up his right hand grasping my cock and gave it one great stroke. I reacted immediately throwing my head back gasping. “Louder,” he instructed as he then angled his head delivering one long lick from the base of my shaft all the way up to the tip. Without warning he snacked his tongue out flicking it all across the head, giving more powerful strokes, then took my cock in his mouth.

“Oh shit,” I breathed out quite loudly. I can barely contain the noises I’m making as Levi bobbles his head, slobbering all over the tip and underside, hell he’s even massaging my balls. He keeps sucking, this time finding a sweet spot that he goes wild on and I can’t stop the shriek of pleasure that escapes my mouth. Levi opened his eyes and stares me point blank in mine before widening his throat and easing my cock inside him more. “Fuckfuckfuck!” I groan out sliding off my elbows, I couldn’t even keep my balance anymore. This shit was so fucking hot. I was on my back now whimpering, twisting and turning just listening to the smacking sounds Levi was making and feeling the wanted friction I craved. He eased back releasing my dick from his mouth and lowered licking tentatively at my balls, swirling them around in his mouth. When he goes back to sliding my cock back into his mouth I can’t help myself.

He wraps both arms around my legs, resting both on his shoulders so he could have a better angle, practically digging in. His head starts bobbling again, this time with more stride as he eases me in his mouth. His nose is literally touching my pubes now that’s how far he’s got in it. Fuck it. I fist both my hands in his hair and can’t control the light thrusts I give; I wanted to fuck his face and he actually was letting me. His head slide back and forward, sucking aggressively, his face is red and I know mine is too. I can’t take it anymore,

“Shitshitshit,” I roar, “Levi move I’m gonna—” I try pushing him away but he refuses grabbing my legs to keep me there lodged in this throat. Oh he was so nasty, and that was all it took. I came with a great cry and Levi, he swallowed it all up. I saw some spill out of his mouth but he wiped it with his finger and sucked on it again leaving nothing left.

I was panting; my heart was threatening to tear out of my chest. Levi stood up now and I had no idea if he said anything to me because my body had completely tapped out. I passed out once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments, questions, criticisms, witticisms? no you say? okay well see you next week Tuesday! :DD


	5. Strike A Deal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi is a masochist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so finally i've decided that the update day for this story will be Tuesday. Torture Tuesday haha. Jeez, it was hard waiting too as ive had this chapter done for days now. Its pretty long, it rang out about 26 pages so its a hefty amount, as i'll always try to do since you guys wait a week. But anyway, you know the usual, find me on tumblr at loseourmindstogether.

I was tossing. I was turning. I was shifting. Now I was once again on my back grumbling angrily. I peeped my right eye open and was correct in my assumption of what had been ruining my sleep. That. Damn. Sunlight. Seriously, at this point all of heaven had to know my disdain of it and yet _every_ morning it beamed down just for me straight in my eyes. It was clearly my mortal enemy. It wasn’t fair; Levi didn’t have a speck touching his features.

I sprang upward as if I were a jack in the box. The sheets fell down off me revealing my bare chest. I looked down in absolute horror and felt my hands patting all over my abdominals searching desperately for my shirt. It was not on me. Heaving, I began unattractively heaving hoping I would not wake the man beside me. I glanced over to him yet again. He too was shirtless, but unlike me he was sleeping on his belly. The sheets hung just above his butt allowing me a nice view down the arch. His back was well toned as I examined all the glorious muscle. His arms were lifted upward grasping the pillow below him into a somewhat hugging embrace. His lips were slightly parted and I couldn’t help but think how angelic he looked when he was resting. It made my cock twitch. I looked downwards to it and noticed I could spot my boner rising clear up against the sheets. _That_ wasn’t right. It would only be that noticeable if I was—

“Ahhh,” I shrieked high pitched sounding like a school girl. I had flipped the sheets off of myself and there was my dick staring me in the face. Why the hell was I naked? I began scrambling now, patting through the bed searching for any remaining contents of my clothing. In the midst of my search, I heard Levi groan indicating he had awoken. I looked to him and watched as he rose up, resting one arm on its elbow and placed his head there. His face was unreadable but his eyes were screaming with gratification.

“Good morning,” he greeted. Damn, his morning voice was a bit husky but nevertheless it still had the same effect on me. I could feel my heart skipping.

“Yeah,” I remarked back pitifully. I looked to my right side towards the floor and discovered my discarded clothing. All of it. Swallowing strenuously, I glanced back at Levi. I was terrified to ask the question, though for the most part I could remember everything of last night I did not remember stripping. While having sex with him was not something I was opposed to, it certainly wasn’t something I wanted to happen while under an influence.  “Ummm,” I began humming quite nervously. “Did we..? I mean, we didn’t…right?” My voice rose to accompany my question at the end. Levi, who had been eying me all this time with peaked curiosity, exhaled and rolled his eyes. He maneuvered his hand from underneath the pillow and with a flick of the wrist removed the sheets off his him revealing he was indeed wearing boxers. With his back facing me, I watched as his small form climbed from the bed then stretched similar to a feline. I noted I liked how his butt muscles clenched as he performed the action.

“Relax,” he drawled. “Your virtue is safe with me,” he commented causing a flood of relief to course through me. He saw how his words affected me and continued. “You started sweating like a fucking dog last night so I stripped you,” he said quite bluntly and with his usually vulgar vocabulary. Hmm, you’d think he would be more pleasant in the morning.

“Thanks,” I said meekly. I was about to drop the whole topic when yet another brain shattering revolution crash landed into my head. “Wait, you saw me naked!?” I hollered reaching for the sheets to cover myself. To this, Levi leaned his back fluidly against the door frame resting his head against the wall. His arms crossed, and he looked up through loose strands of hair with a smirk tugging on those lips. His movements, the relaxed fluidity to them reminded me that of a snake.

“Let me get this straight,” he said bringing out a hand and holding it out towards me, “You’re freaking out right now because I saw your dick and _not_ because of the fact that I sucked the skin off it last night?” When he worded it like that I supposed it did sound a little strange. Nevertheless I blushed and nodded indicating my answer. He raised his eyebrows and the slight indicator of perplexity passed his face before he spoke, “You’re an abnormal kid.” He remarked quite blandly while easing himself off the wall. He was now turning slightly, to open the knob of the door whose frame he was leaning on just moments ago. Realizing he was attempting to take his leave I called out to him,

“Where are you going?” I asked sitting more attentively, body going a bit tense. He turned back and waved his hand motioning for me to settle down.

“I’m going to take a shit. I usually do in the morning, it’s my routine,” he said but then light sarcasm took over his tone as he kept talking. “Unless I’m needed to chaperone out here. Still need me to hold your hand?” I knew he was hinting at my openness last night and I willed myself not to throw a pillow at him.  Like I said earlier, what a vulgar man. While I said nothing verbally my glare spoke volumes and with it he turned going into the bathroom. I in turn, plopped myself back onto the bed curling my arms up behind my head and gazed at the ceiling.

It looked nowhere near as defined as it had last night; I was disappointed that the sounds had returned to normal as well. If I ever was going to tell Mikasa about this she would remark that it was as if I had turned into a vampire for a night with heightened senses. Yeah, that’s exactly what she would say with that stale sense of humor. Lying there made me start to contemplate things. Last night had happened yes, but what exactly did it mean? Until last night Levi and I had been total strangers to one another outside of a name exchange. I knew nothing about him. I didn’t know who his favorite band was, favorite food, hell I didn’t even know his last name. All I had known was that when I first saw him, there was an indescribable miserable look in his eyes that haunted yet attracted me. I still had so much to learn about him and it was then that I decided that was exactly what I wanted to do.

Taking in a rather hefty breath, I released it and decided to figure at least some of these things out by scanning his room. I started by regarding the sheets; they were a deep navy blue, with white pillow cases. My eyes flowed upward at his walls. No pictures were hung up, but instead a few posters were up of who I assumed to be his favorite bands along with an intricate collection of concert tickets pinned up on a memory board. A large stereo set was underneath it on various shelves. Man, he really did love music. One band in particular as I noticed their logo was the biggest in the room. It simply was an arrangement of blue and white, two wings crossing over one another. I had never seen this logo before. The next area I looked to was my favorite, the ceiling. Through it was nothing but drywall, there was a pattern of lights that were arranged to be a spiral. It stretched across the entire ceiling and I wanted so badly to see what it looked like lit up, maybe another day. I twisted my head and looked at the clock and literally felt my heart sink downwards into my stomach.

It read that it was 12:35pm. On a Tuesday. _No._

I leaped out of the bed and was practically attacking my clothing. I whipped up my pants, hurriedly throwing both legs in and wiggling them upwards before working at the belt. I wrestled with my shirt tearing it a bit as I forced in onto my body. I was in a massive rush, not only was I late for school but I had officially been missing for over ten hours now. Not good.

“Oh you’re leaving,” I whirled around to see Levi exiting the bathroom now donning a cheetah spotted robe with cat ears on the hood. I crooked my head and squinted, my twitching eye displaying my feelings about it. He looked down at it then back up at me. “I know I know, it was another gift I swear.” I hoped it was otherwise he had awful tacky taste.

“Yeah, I have to go now sorry,” I explained and watched as his face went from being that of somewhat open and inviting to almost sullen. However, it was fleeting, because just as quickly his expression went back to being that of cool and aloof.

“That’s fine,” his tone had changed; completely desolate of whatever ease had once been there. He was talking to me like I was a complete stranger all over again. “I hope the trial goes well for you. I know that brownie wasn’t really the best way to heal your pain but I’m sure it helped. Oh and the sucking your cock part too.”

“It did?” I commented confused where all this was coming from.

“Good,” he remarked dryly as he brushed past me to get into the living room. I followed immediately.

“Wait what are you doing right now?” I asked just as he was making his way into the kitchen for food I assumed. He looked at me as if I were the one speaking nonsense here.

“I’m saying goodbye Eren. I helped you with your dilemma and now you should be fine. You’re free to go now,” he sounded as if he were shooing me off, but I heard the underlying bitterness settling underneath.

“That’s not all I want from you,” I admitted to his disbelief. “Is that really what you thought? That I would come here just to fuck around with you and then skip out?” He remained silent just watching me but I could see it all in his eyes. They really were like open doors, admitting his true feelings that his face concealed. I walked closer towards him, to the point where I was able to reach my hands out and place them on his shoulders. “I’m coming back later. I uhh...I enjoy your company and all so I want to come back to see you. I mean if that’s okay.”

We stood there staring at one another intensely for some time. When I had kissed him last night after he explained his world to me I meant it. I wanted to be in this with him, whatever it was. As long as he was with me I felt like I would be fine and I’d be damned if it was ending like this. Finally he sighed, and shook his head causing the hood of his tacky robe to fall lower over his face. “Okay,” he said understanding just how serious I was. I smiled widely at that and leaned in forward for a kiss only to be met with a palm.

“Umm no,” he remarked quite sassily. “Your breath smells like dog shit, brush your teeth then maybe we’ll talk.”

I knew I should’ve felt embarrassed about it but instead I laughed lightly, that standoff side of him was gone and the relaxed man back. However, when I glanced to the clock I saw I didn’t have the opportunity to even do that. “Sorry no time,” I said quickly and very slyly, I snaked my head closer to his and stole that kiss I wanted. It was quick, only a peck but just enough. For now.

“See you later?” I called out heading for the door. He had a hand touching his lower lip, rubbing over it and I could see contemplation was passing through his mind. Finally, he glanced in my direction and nodded.

“Yeah,” he remarked in such a manner that I had to wonder what he was truly thinking of, “See you later.”

 

Roaming through the halls of Trost High today was odd, to say the least. Sure, people were still eyeballing me when I walked past but now it was for an entirely different reason. A more embarrassing one.  I made it past the herd of people and managed to find my locker. To my dissatisfaction, all three of my usual crew of people were standing near it. Mikasa was the first to detach her eyes from the group conversation and locate me. I watched as a wave of alleviation passed through her. Immediately she separated from the group charging towards me.

“Oh my god, Eren,” she called out sounding as if she was trying to reassure herself that I was really standing there. Once I was close enough in her range her arms stretched out and she embraced me warmly. A bit tightly however. “Thank goodness”, she breathed out releasing some tension from her hug. Then she rapidly yanked me away by the shoulders, eyes carefully scanning all over my body. “Are you okay? Where the hell did you go last night? And why didn’t you answer a single one of my calls?” I listened to her bombard me with questions and I honestly didn’t even know how to begin answering them.

“Hey,” I began taking a step back from her grasp, “chill out, I went off and just walked around okay?” Lies. Bold faced lies but they were all I had to offer now. Her face read clear with skepticism and I was prepared to offer more half assed lies until Armin stepped in.

“Why are you wearing the same clothes as yesterday?” There it was, the reason everyone had been staring at me. I was still sporting the plain white t shirt and blue jeans as yesterday except they were in worse condition today after being piled on the floor all night. I gulped, searching through all the archives of my brain for an excellent lie that would get them off my case.

“You like sniffing my shirt that much huh?” Jean remarked sarcastically and grinned proud of his comment. Honestly, I don’t think I could’ve asked for a better time for him to be an asshole.

“Yeahh,” I lied, voice trailing off a bit. “That’s exactly it, I just love the smell of axe body spray,” to further the lie I brought the collar up to my nose and took a hefty sniff. Ugh, I could’ve choked it was so strong. I wondered how Levi dealt with this last night. Checking to see if my tall tale was working I shot everyone a look, they were all looking at me as if I were nuts.

“Anyway,” Armin chimed in detouring the conversation elsewhere, “Your dad left last night. When you took off he tried to get Mikasa to go too but obviously she said no.” If there was any sign of playfulness on my face before it had disappeared by now. Just the mere thought of that man had my blood boiling. God, I hated him so much.

“He’ll be back though,” Mikasa answered. “He won’t give up. He really wants to have us stay with him Eren. He went on and on to Mr. Arlert about how we should be living with him since we are his kids. Well, you anyway.” Even though I knew my father was scum, he wasn’t low enough to just take me and leave Mikasa behind. Despite her being the adopted one and me his blood son. I was about to make a remark concerning the entire ordeal when suddenly the appearance of a certain short, bald teammate of mine popped up.

“Eren, you need to hide man,” It was Connie; he was sporting his traditional letterman jacket with his credentials patched all across it and his number in large print on the right sleeve. He sounded rather winded and I assumed he had run to find me.

“From what?” I asked. I hadn’t remembered pissing anyone off so I could not understand why someone would be out for my head. Connie took in a deep breath gathering himself then continued.

“From Sasha! She’s been searching for you all day. I don’t know what you did but she’s pissed. It’s all she been talking about lately,” this was saying a lot seeing as how Sasha was Connie’s girlfriend. I wondered what exactly I had done to get on her bad side. Heading Connie’s warning I made a mental note to myself to steer clear of the cheerleader. Once Connie had departed from us Mikasa turned over with a raised eyebrow.

“Eren, what did you do?” Her voice was laced with curiosity and all I could do was shrug my shoulders.

“I literally have no idea,” it was true. I really was at a loss. Armin, closing his locker and leaning slightly towards Jean, began dissecting the issue.

“It’s probably because you’ve been skipping practice. You know how seriously Sasha takes having school pride. Remember that one time in sophomore year when no one dressed up for spirit week even when she told us to?” I cringed at the thought. I don’t think I wanted to remember how ravenous she was that day. “Well on the bright side, we’ve only got about an hour of school left. What are the chances she’ll find you? And even if she does, what’s the worst that can happen?” Armin said waving off the dilemma. He was right, I only had to survive one class today and avoid her that was it. How hard could that be?

 

This was the ultimate form of betrayal. Sure, I understood that Jean and I were far from friends, I would even say enemies, but to not notify me of this was just plain evil. Cursing under my breath at the form in front of me, I leaned over to him when Pixis had his back turned. “Why didn’t you tell me we were having a quiz?” I demanded gritting my teeth through the whisper.

He looked at me sharply from the corner of his eyes before smirking, “I wanted to see that stupid face of yours when you found out. I gotta say it’s priceless,” I wanted to murder him but there was no time. I only had a good ten minutes left to fill this out.

I read through one problem alone for at least three minutes before I finally gave up and resorted to old methods, bubbling in the Christmas tree pattern of answers. When Pixis called time, we all passed our quizzes to the front of the room and I sulked watching my ‘F’ float away in a stack of others.

“That was so fucked up,” I groaned out loud leaning back into my seat.

“Yeah well maybe if you came to class more often, you wouldn’t be so lost,” Jean lamented back at me while scribbling something down in his notes. I made a ‘tch’ noise similar to the way Levi would and rolled my head over to him lazily.

“Fuck you,” at that he dropped his pencil and shifted his whole body glaring at me.

“No fuck _you_ Jaeger,” he snapped back. “What the hell’s the matter with you? Running off like that last night and making everyone worry. Mikasa actually thought you had been kidnapped or something. Then to top it off you haven’t been in class for a solid week. Everyone is concerned about you,” his voice had gone low at that last part and I swallowed.

“Well don’t be. I can take care of myself,” I said throwing up a hand to silence him.

“Look you can’t just go off like that. We are all trying to understand that you’re hurting right now but you need to be more rational,” he bit back going back to his notebook and flipping the page.

“I’m sorry; I didn’t realize there was a fucking countdown for amount of days I’m allowed to grieve over death,” I had put my head down on the desk now and I heard Jean sigh. This situation almost felt like an adult scolding a child and I knew he felt the same.

“So, what did you end up doing last night anyway?” He asked me. I angled my head, still lying down, and looked up at him with narrowed eyes. He smacked his lips, “I’m not gonna tell Armin or Mikasa relax. But you were doing something nasty I can tell.” He wiggled his eyebrows and I lifted upward wondering how in the hell he came up with that.

“What makes you say that?” I questioned leaning over. He simply tapped the corner of his lip and my hand shot up to mine. The bite mark. Damn, he had good observation skills.

I pondered for a second, only moments ago I had just been thinking about how Jean was my enemy but right now in this very moment I saw otherwise. I saw someone that I could talk to, not only that but since he was a fellow gay himself, maybe he could give me tips. I sat upright, bringing out a pinkie to him, “You have to promise,” I said.

“What are we fucking fourth graders now?” He remarked outlandishly. My face never quivered, he shook his head and met my pinkie crossing it. I smirked.

“Okay first off let’s start with this,” I ducked my head looking around the room and being glad that we sat in the back. I took in a deep breath, “I’m pretty sure I’m gay.” There, I had said it.

I watched as Jean’s face twisted around. It went from being wide eyed and gaping mouth, to a grin the size of Texas, “Bull. Shit. Eren. Jaeger. Are you fucking kidding me right now?” When I noticed a girl turn her head in our direction I shushed him and he followed silently apologizing. When he regained himself, he wore a smile of triumph. “I knew it, Armin owes me a blowjob.” I cocked my head back clenching my eyebrows.

“What the hell are you talking about?” I asked. Jean ran a hand through his hair to knock some of it out of his eyes then proceeded to explain,

“See me and Armin had this bet a while back that you were gay. He kept saying you weren’t but I was like ‘Are you kidding me? Look at the way he styles his hair’.” I absently touched my hair at that wondering if something like a sexual orientation could be determined based off something so small. Jean scoffed, “So long story short, he lost the bet and now we can schedule a head appointment for me.” I mouthed an awkward ‘okay’ and straightened out my lips. I really wasn’t interested in hearing about my best friend blowing off another guy.

“So how’d you end up with that then?” He asked pointing to my lip. Unknowingly, I licked my lips being reminded of the kiss Levi and I had shared. It was everything to me, and I never would have thought Jean would be the person I would share it to. But at the end of the day it had to be him. If Armin found out about this, he would protest until he was blue in the face. If Mikasa discovered it, she would race all the way over to Levi’s place and land a firm punch on his balls for even touching me. So in short, yes, it absolutely had to be Jean.

“I was wandering the streets, fuming about the fight with my dad. Then I ran into him and he invited me back to his place. We talked, ate some weed brownies, I was so high—”

“Wait,” he held up a hand tilting his head downward. “You got high with him?” He didn’t sound like he was scolding me but more of confirming exactly what I had just said.

“Well yeah,” I admitted nodding my head.

“Be careful Eren,” his voice had gone serious along with his face. His brow rested still and his eyelids lowered a bit, the fact that he had called me by my government name alone told me how grave he was. “Dealing with drugs can be a messy road. It can really fuck you up.” I stared into his eyes until I grew uncomfortable with the way his bore into mine.

“I know what I’m doing,” I said looking away. Just then the bell rang and all the students got up gathering their belongings hastily eager to leave class. Jean got up slowly, placing his notebook in his backpack.

“I hope you do,” and he really did mean that, I could tell. As we walked out of the classroom down the hall I looked to him, sticking my hands in my pockets.

“Hey Jean,” he hummed in response waiting for me to continue, “He sucked my dick.” I paused trying to find the words to describe it. “It was awesome,” It was lame and Jean laughed a bit at it and for the first time we shared a laugh together. I had to admit it was nice.

“It’ll get better,” he remarked grinning, “Just wait until he—” but he never got the chance to finish as the dreadful person I was supposed to be hiding from came dashing down the hall towards me.

She was charging, as if she was a raging bull and everyone in the hall backed out of her way easily. “Well shit, you’re in trouble,” Jean said watching as she strode up in my face.

I gulped as Sasha hissed out my name, “Eren…where have you been?” Her voice was low and sort of venomous. This was bad. Sasha was usually a peppy, silly type of girl until you messed with things she found precious. Then she was fierce. “You told me yesterday in the parking lot that you would be at practice. You weren’t. Why?” I was thinking fast. I looked to Jean for help but all he did was shrug his shoulder and take a side step away. Asshole.

“I forgot,” it was a pitiful excuse but it was all I had. Sasha rolled her eyes, hands resting on her hips.

“That’s not good enough,” she barked. “How are we supposed to win the game against those Garrison Roses if you don’t show up to the practices?” It was a rhetorical question, so I didn’t answer. She sighed, peace finally coming back over her face, “It’s okay just, make sure you show up to the next game in three weeks, on Friday. We’ve had to replace you with Marco and while he’s good he’s no you.” I nodded, understanding clear. I was being serious, I was going to try and make that game Friday and help out my team. It was the least I could do. When she strutted away, sending a snap of her fingers forming into a gun towards me I waved back.

“You didn’t back me up at all,” I said in Jean’s direction.

“Well obviously,” he said making me feel like a fool.

His answer was a quick reminder to me that we weren’t exactly friends; more like a business was being run between us. “You got some spare clothes I could borrow?” I asked making his head snap over to me.

“What am I, your fashion consultant?” He bit back. “If you’re trying to go see that guy again tough shit, you’re going to have to be wearing that again.”

“Jean c’mon help me out here,” I was disgusted with my pleading but I really wanted to look nice seeing Levi. Not to mention that I was tired of wearing these clothes that were practically sticking to my body by now. Jean glanced over me before bringing a hand up and placing it over his brow furrowing them together.

“Alright, I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll help you out when it comes to clothes so you can look nice for your boyfriend or whatever. I’ll even keep your late night mystery a secret between us. In exchange it’s time for you to start kissing my ass.”

I stopped, “Jean that’s not cool, you’re dating Armin.” Jean huffed slamming a palm to his forehead.

“Not literally you idiot, figuratively. All I’m gonna ask you to do are two things. Number one, no more smart ass comments when we’re in public. I sass you and you just take it got it?” I was gritting my teeth at this demand.

“Sure,” I said sounding totally unconvincingly. He smirked.

“Good. Second, when we’re with Mikasa and Armin you have to at least pretend that you’re having a good time when we’re all hanging out together. No sour faces directed at me.” He paused. “Partially because I wouldn’t mind being your friend and also because I’d love to see the looks on Armin and Mikasa’s faces when they hear you being nice.” That one was more doable. “Do we have a deal?” He brought his hand out to me signaling for a hand shake. I stared at it for a moment, pondering if I really wanted to do this. Armin and Mikasa would be so hurt if they ever found out what I was beginning to do, who I was affiliating with. I sucked that back, there was no time for regrets. I brought my hand outward and captured his in mine.

“Deal.”

 

And that was the story of how I ended up back at Levi’s apartment tonight at exactly 6:55pm. The sun was beginning to set as I waited in front of the door of these fine apartments. I knocked on the door and he opened it quite quickly. I looked him over and appreciated that he was wearing grey baggy sweat pants and a white tank top that came just a bit above the hem of the pants exposing a tiny portion of his toned body. He seemed quite pleased that I held up to my word as I came in through the door taking my shoes off as I did before.

“How was your day?” I asked feeling like an old person. That was usually the first thing they would always ask.

“What are we an old married couple?” Levi bit back remarked. I raised an eyebrow entertaining the thought of that for a moment. Him being in his eighties and still making shit jokes and me with dentures and a walker. Ugh, time to kill this imagination bubble. “Try not to think too hard about that it was a joke.” He said seeing how my face scrunched up. Now shoeless, I made my way towards the living room choosing this time to do something different. I laid on the floor as it was clean anyway and sprawled out.

I looked over to Levi to see him holding a mug and watching me questionably, “You do know that’s why I have a couch right?” I ignored that sass and chose to focus on something else,

“What are you drinking?” His eyes dropped down into the mug blinking a few times.

“Tea. Black tea is my favorite,” Bam there it was, I was one step closer to knowing more about him.

“I’ve never had that before, can I have some?” I asked sitting up and talking to him.

“No the fuck you can’t,” he replied quickly and swiftly. “I don’t think you need to be having any of my stuff after what happened to you last night.” He paused placing his mug down and walked over towards his jacket that was hung up on the wall rack. “Speaking of which,” he was fumbling through the pocket and now he pulled out a box. “You are now officially on a weed ban. From now on you’re going to have to prove yourself by working your way up,” he lifted up the box full of cigarettes and I grimaced instantly.

“What? That’s no fair!” I hollered at him. I refused to smoke one of those things, I just couldn’t.

“It’s my place which means my rules,” he swigged a stick out of the box pocketing the rest but bringing out a lighter. He took a place next to me on the floor crossing his legs over one another causing him to appear smaller than normal. I smiled and laughed under my breath. He looked to me, the stick dangling out of his mouth.

“What?” He muffled. I shook my head then proceeded,

“Nothing, it’s just the way you sit reminds me of how we used to do it in kindergarten, Indian style.” I stopped speaking as I could see he was wondering where I was going with this. “It’s cute.” He appeared to be a bit taken back by my comment; I wondered if I had disturbed him and had a momentary freak out until he spoke reassuring me.

“Thanks I guess,” he responded awkwardly. Me and my big creepy mouth. He brought the lighter out and with a careful flick of the thumb, ignited the spark. The fire blazed brightly in front of both our eyes and Levi leaned forward holding one hand outward cupping the cigarette in case a breeze in the room would blow the flame. Once the stick was alive, he inhaled deeply and exhaled out a large ashen cloud of smoke. “It’s simple.” He turned to me holding it between two fingers. “Now you try.”

I eyed the stick as if it was a gateway to hell, I was extremely cautious. It suddenly occurred to me then that I didn’t even have a clue as to how you were supposed to hold a cigarette as I had never done so before. Slowly, I reached out for it with my index and thumb finger grasping it. I was surprised to find that it was a smooth texture, not as rough as it appeared.

My heart was pounding and Levi was eyeing me down immensely. What if I looked stupid? What if I choked? Oh God, what if this killed me? I didn’t want to die. As if he could read my mind Levi spoke in an exasperated tone, “One puff is not going to kill you brat. Stop stalling and do it, no one is here judging you.” Something about that last part of his sentence eased me and gave me the courage I needed. I brought the leading cause of cancer to my lips, this time placing it in between both the index and middle finger, and breathed it in greatly. Only to have a fucking coughing attack.

I was choking, it felt as though my lungs were clouded and no matter how much I tried to breathe nothing was good enough. Levi was patting my back reassuringly and finally I was able to compose myself again. There were tears in my eyes from all the stinging it had caused, “Never…again…” I huffed out causing Levi to sneer a bit.

“Yeah it’s an acquired taste. Most non smokers have no clue how hard it is to actually get started on them.” He had taken hold of it from me and was glancing down at it. “Young lungs just don’t like smoke being hurled at them.”

“Then why do you do it?” I questioned holding a hand to my throat; he side glanced me then looked back down at the item sizzling away in his hands. He brought it up, took one last swig, then reached over and patted it out in the ashtray he had on the table.

“It’s addicting. You get used to having something around that can help calm you down when you feel antsy. Its reliable, it will always be there for me to turn to,” I had a feeling he was about to make some remark about a person near the end of that statement but was wrong as he stopped talking abruptly. He turned to me, “I really don’t want to talk about that kind of stuff tonight. What do you want to do?” I was shocked; I honestly didn’t think my opinion matter enough to him. I thought about it then came up with a conclusion.

“I want to go through your music collection,” I was genuinely interested as I was also a huge music fanatic. His eyes widened a bit, I don’t think he had been anticipating that kind of response. He got up suddenly and I watched as he did it.

“Follow me,” he beckoned out causing me to be on my feet. I followed him back into his room which was pitch dark when suddenly a blare of lights shrouded my vision. I looked over and saw him stretching an arm behind his bed, where he plugged up the lights. It was amazing; the entire ceiling had looked as though it was a part of the cosmos. The lights were all white and with the spiral pattern they formed I found my eyes looping around and around until I reached the center of the ceiling where the pattern stopped.

“Wow,” I breathed out truly amazed at the craftsmanship of it. It was very well put up. Levi walked over to his stereo ignoring me as I gawked at the shiny orbs above our heads.

“What do you want to hear first?” he was shuffling through CD’s, I noted he was old school as most people I knew dimply plugged up an iPod on a dock these days.

“Play anything, I don’t care what it is,” I said dreamily. And he did just that. His music shuffled from bands like Three Days Grace over to classic Evanescence. I found myself humming most of the songs and really getting hyped up when The Goddesses came on next. I was jamming out happily and once the song from my favorite bands had passed another played. I had no clue what it was as I had never heard it before but I was curious.

“What’s the name of this song?” I asked turning and seeing him next to his shelves working on something.

“Call Your Name,” he stated. “It’s by my favorite band called Wings of Freedom,” I had heard them before. Jean was talking about them not too long ago and I was clueless then too. I looked back to his wall of posters and pointed at the winged one, “That’s their logo right?” I called to him. He turned seeing which one I was talking about and nodded. Then he brought his right arm up and that was when I noticed it. That very same logo had been tattooed on his forearm, just above his wrist.

“They must be really important to you,” I commented still looking at his tattoo, he noticed and brought his arm down.

“Yeah, it sounds really fucking dumb but their music really speaks to me you know?” Of course I did. We all did. Music had that effect on people after all.

“No,” I said shaking my head “it’s not dumb at all,” he stared at me and blinked. I saw the slight movement in the region between his eyebrows and I swear it looked as if something shined within his eyes. Maybe it was all the light in here.

“Come here,” he said moving away from the shelves and going over to the bed. Without hesitation, I followed him climbing on it and scooting by his side. He revealed to me what he had been working on over on the shelves. It was a small rolled up joint. “This one isn’t anywhere near as bad as the one from yesterday.” He commented holding it up for me to inspect it. “You shouldn’t freak out this time, I promise.” I looked away from it and met his grey eyes. It didn’t matter what he said, if he looked at me like this, as if I were the only thing that existed, I would always believe him.

“Does this mean I’m off my weed ban?” I joked. Air released from his nostrils and a slight smile tugged at his lips.

“We’ll see, depends on how you handle this,” he brought out his infamous lighter and sparked it, causing the fumes to already begin floating towards the wonderfully lit ceiling. He extended it out to me, I shied away.

“Isn’t there some other way I can get high off this? Like a second hand smoke maybe? After that cigarette I’m really not up for smoking it again.” He brought it back towards himself and hummed thinking of other possibilities. When he found one he shifted to me sitting up so his legs were yet again crossed. I mimicked his movements also turning to face him though instead of crossing my legs I laid them on top of one another pointing them in another direction. “There is another way,” he said coming closer.

His hand reached out and ever so gently grasped my chin tilting my head upwards. My heart was thudding so loud I heard it all through my ears. He caressed my cheek a bit before using his hand to cup my face. “All you have to do is inhale it, very slowly. Be calm,” he brought the joint to his lips and I watched as his cheeks caved in while he sucked in the euphoric cloud. He detached his lips from it and moved in closer towards me, lips slightly parted. I felt the slight brush of his lips on mine, so soft and pleasant to me. He hovered there until finally, he began to blow lightly exchanging the smoke from his mouth over to mine. I remembered his words, just breathe it in. And so I did, very carefully I inhaled in the form of life he was passing over to me through this kiss. When everything he had inside him was gone he pulled apart.

“What was that?” I asked beginning to feel a slight effect of the drug already.

“It’s called shot gunning. It makes it so that the high can be passed from one person to another just by a small kiss.” He was waiting for me to say something. Anything.

“Can I try doing that to you?” I asked catching him off guard. He nodded passing the joint to me carefully.

“Just inhale with your mouth, don’t accidentally swallow the smoke or you’ll choke.” He watched me do it and I made sure to follow his orders closely as I placed my mouth around the bud. Once my mouth was full, I mirrored his previous actions, lightly gripping his chin as well forcing his mouth open slightly. I leaned in, slowly calculating my every move through my already forming haze. My lips bumped with his slightly and then I just let it go. I breathed out calmly directing all of the life this weed had to offer over to him. It only lasted for a few long seconds but in my mind, it seemed to last forever.

“You did good,” he complimented breathing against my mouth. Even though the passing was done, neither of us had moved instead anticipating the others move. I could feel my eyes growing hooded; weed was so quick to work my system. Still breathing into his mouth, I brought my other hand up grasping the other side of his face and made this kiss a reality.

Our lips worked against one another, this time not as rough as the first time but much more precise. His hands found their way to my hair as his fingers wove in there, it felt incredible. My tongue crept out licking at his bottom lip begging for entrance, he gladly allowed me inside opening up. Our tongues met and danced around one another, the weed stimulated my senses making his tongue extremely sensitive against mine. I moaned into his mouth and he responded by doing the same back. Somehow, my hand ended up on his chest pushing him downward slowly allowing me to climb on top of him. The different angle was strange at first, but I grew adjusted to it as I kept kissing all over his mouth.

His hands roamed my body, nails lightly scratching my skin causing me to hiss against him. Without warning, while I was still lavishing him with my tongue, his hands cupped under my shirt and he was easing it off, I pulled back and allowed him to slide it off my head. I did the same for him, rubbing my hands along those sweet abdominals underneath the shirt, before discarding it off of him. This was what I wanted to see. His chest was exposed to me and it was absolutely beautiful. Chest perfectly pecked for his frame and his abdominal core was breathtaking. I came back down licking and biting at his neck, taking pleasure in the moans he was giving me directly in my ear, along with his hips rolling against me mercilessly. I responded with my own grind of my hips onto him and earned and even louder cry from him. Before I knew it though, I had been flipped and he was in control all over again.

He kissed me, gnawing at my lips, one hand sliding down into my pants grabbing my cock while the other was teasing at one of my nipples. “Oh fuck,” I cried out in the kiss at the sensation of friction on my dick as he stroked me quickly. He brought his lips away from mine and went to my abandoned nipple biting lightly at it. “Mhhhm,” I moaned arching my back off the bed at into him. He responded by bucking back into me with more precision. I sat up, feeling like he needed some sensual feeling too and began to glide his sweats off him, he allowed me and did the same to me. Both of us dropped our pants and I could see the bulge growing in his boxers, he also could see mine. He gripped at mine though, massaging it marvelously making my toes curl up. He pulled me out fully wrapping his hand around my cock and stroked me once more. Shit, it felt so good. I reached my hand back and slid my hand in his boxers unleashing him as well. I stroked him too, but much more harshly than he was doing me.

“Damn, that feels so fucking good,” he said throwing his head back. Feeling excited that I was making him feel this way I slowed my speed down just as he picked up pace on me.

“Holy shit,” I panted feeling my time was coming up. I didn’t want to be tap out so early but just the thought of him touching me was honestly enough. I looked up past him, to the stars on the ceiling as they all began to blur, “Oh my _god,”_ I came, not as hard as I had the last time we were together but still hard. I fell back down onto the sheets, hand falling away from his dick. After breathing shallowly for a few minutes, I looked up at him.

“Virgins,” he said lightly smirking. I knew he was referring to the fact that I came so fast. I sat up a bit glancing at his still hard on cock.

“You didn’t come?” I was kind of shocked, with the way he had been groaning I assumed he was hell of close to doing it. He shook his head,

“It’s takes more than that to get me off,” I looked back down at his cock and knew what had to be done. I sat up switching my position so that now I was on my knees and staring his big dick in the face. I gulped. “Damn, well aren’t you bold,” he mused as I settled myself ready to take on the challenge. “Have you ever sucked a cock before?” He asked me. I wanted to lie and say yes but I was sure he would be able to tell so I told the truth.

“No,” I admitted. His hand went through my hair brushing it and stimulating me,

“I’ll teach you,” he breathed out, voice giving away how horny he was.

Swallowing hard, I gripped his dick and gave it one long stroke before pressing my mouth against the tip then opening it wide. I started off slow, only taking in small sections, slobbering all over it. I knew I liked my dick wet so I made sure his was the same. I tried multitasking and gripped his balls, massaging them to stimulate him more but he breathed in sharply.

“ _Jesus Christ_ ,” he spat out. “Be careful with those they’re fucking sensitive,” I stopped all together for a second, internally freaking out as I had realized I was causing him pain by mistake. He opened up his eyes and looked down at me, eager for me to continue. “No don’t stop,” he demanded huskily, bringing out his other hand over mine and forced me to clutch his balls even harder making him cry out and convulse. I understood now, he liked for it to hurt. Feeling my confidence wave back into me I attacked his cock once again, slurping and sucking the entirety of it, not leaving a spot untouched. I had a set rhythm; while it was nowhere near as fast paced as his had been towards me, it was still impactful as his cries of pleasure were letting me know.

“Fucking fuck,” he growled out hand on my head now gripping my hair and trying to pull me down more. Accepting that I had been doing a decent job, I got excited and lowered myself onto him flicking my tongue all over the place. I began sucking with a sense of purpose trying to copy every movement his tongue did on me. It was working because he was going crazy. “Oh fuck,” he screeched out palming the back on my head guiding me. My mouth was filled with him and I was loving every moment of it. “That’s right, that’s right, yes!” He shouted closing his eyes. I kept up with my pace, not changing a thing as it was clear he was in love with this. I felt a pulse run through his cock and before I knew it, he had came in my mouth. I attempted to swallow it but it wasn’t as easy as I assumed it would be so a good portion of it rolled down my chin. Levi was panting now and had laid himself down on the bed gasping for air. I, after wiping the cum off my mouth, did the same curling up behind him and holding him. Not a word was exchanged, nothing needed to be said as we laid there embracing one another. I was placing chaste kisses all along the back of his next and he responded by backing his ass up onto my dick roughly causing me to whimper.

“You’re so fucking nasty,” he whispered, arousal evident on his tongue as he turned around to me cupping my face in his hands. “I fucking love it,” he was kissing me; our tongues swirled around each other’s ferociously as we held onto each other tight. There was a moment of pause where we pulled apart and Levi took this time to nuzzle his head deep within my chest. Hair covering his face, he pulled me closer and whispered more to himself than to me, “Why can’t I always feel like this…” I was not sure what he meant by that comment as he sounded hazy speaking it yet at the same time that was the most vulnerable I had heard his voice ever. I opened my eyes slightly, feeling peaceful, ready to question him when the cosmos above caught my vision. I remarked to myself how the lights on the ceiling shone down upon us like stars. Like stars, I thought one last time before melting back into a deep kiss with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you know i really like the lights idea for levi's room. i might do that to my own room. hmm...anyway till next time! :D


	6. Hell House

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grisha and Eren are meant to bump heads

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Its Tuesday again. Here's another instillation to this fic. Tension is beginning. Do you have any clue how intelligent Armin is? Its seriously a deadly weapon that people need to acknowledge more.

Something in the air felt strange today.

I had awoken this morning watching as Levi got dressed for work, putting on his factory uniform. It was that of a short sleeved baggy jumpsuit, all navy blue, which made him appear to be the size of a child. I lamented at the sight of his muscles and tried to imagine what they looked like after being sweaty from a hard day’s work. As he had been buttoning up, I caught a glimpse of the nametag stitched in the right above a breast pocket and raised an eyebrow. “Corporal?” I questioned. He turned from the mirror glancing at me quickly.

“It’s just some nickname people at the plant call me,” he commented dryly soothing out his uniform. “Do you want me to take you to school?” He asked while applying the gloves, I assumed were for better gripping on parts at work.

“No, I’ll walk, it’s no big deal,” I said putting on some spare pants I had snagged from Jean’s yesterday. I pulled out a change of top as well throwing on a plain form fitting white hoodie. I walled up beside him reaching out and taking his gloved hand wrapping my fingers around it. “Be back later?” I asked. He blinked and rolled his eyes.

“Even if I said no your ass would probably be sitting on my doorstep like a fucking lost puppy,” I smiled a bit at that, he hadn’t been wrong. Without warning, he reached into my pocket and pulled out my phone, typing away on it. Not taking our hands apart, he gave the phone back to me. “Now you have my number.” He paused seeming to be at a loss for words. I wondered how many times he had willingly given his number to someone. “It’ll make it easier to stay in contact.”

I tugged at his hand bringing him a bit closer, “You like me, don’t you?” I teased. Even though my tone had a sense of joking I had honestly wanted to know. My heart was waiting anxiously for his response and was not prepared for his actual words.

“I hate more things than like them. And I like you more than the things I hate, so yeah,” his voice didn’t hold any special warmth like I had wanted it to, and I actually began assuming maybe he really didn’t like me like the way I wanted him to. I began loosening my grip on his hand when suddenly his got tighter. He tugged on my arm, pulling me downward at his level and lifted himself up on his tippy toes trying to meet me halfway. Our lips met and I instantly melted into it, dancing along him. He wrapped his arms around my neck while mine snaked their way around his hips pushing him more against me. This kiss was everything and it had ended far too soon for my liking.

“I get off at 9,” he stated pulling apart but holding an intense gaze. I nodded understanding that was his way of telling me to come back.

That was earlier today though, it was currently 2:30pm.

“Earth to Eren, are you even alive?” I snapped out of my daze, shaking my head and focusing my eyes. I was in the back seat of Armin’s car seated beside Mikasa and Annie while Jean was in the front. My blonde best friend had been speaking to me.

“What?” I spoke ruffling the back of my hair as it felt as though it were sticking to my head.

“Jean was talking about how much smarter than you he was in AP chemistry,” Annie informed me. “We were waiting for you two to argue.”

Oh, that was why all the eyes were on me. I looked to the passenger’s seat and saw Jean stretching his head back gazing at me with mock. It was still hard to believe this was the guy I was trusting my personal business to.

“No he’s right, he is smarter than me,” this caused everyone in the car to collectively gasp. Was it really that foreign for me to compliment the horse faced loser?

“Are you high?” Mikasa asked leaning over to me and for a slight moment dread spread across my face. I had feared that Jean had indeed spilled the beans about my life until she kept talking, “Jean is like your mortal enemy, fight back.” She said motioning towards a grinning Jean. Of course I couldn’t as rules of our deal defined so. I had never wanted to bitch slap the smile off his face more than I did right now.

“Actually the sun is my mortal enemy,” I commented looking out the window and taking ease in the fact that said enemy was absent today. The sky was dark, a deep grey as the clouds spread across it blocking all signs of space to us. It had been raining all day; the news actually reported a warning for a tornado. So in short, it had been quite a gloomy day.

“I don’t know what you’ve done to him Jean, but… I kinda like it,” Armin said shaking his head while turning the wheel and rounding the corner. Jean looked to him before a smile crossed his face and he leaned forward kissing him on the cheek. There it was again, the sensation of wanting to throw up or better yet, the want to be bashed on the head over and over again till I was unconscious.

While Jean flirted with Armin shamelessly in the front I couldn’t help but glance to my left side and notice Mikasa and Annie whispering something to one another and giggling. Hmm, something about the way their bodies were in proximity of one another…the way Annie had placed a nonchalant hand on Mikasa’s knee…

“Who the hell is that?” Jean asked leaning forward looking out the windshield. Grabbing hold of everyone’s attention we looked to the source of his question. My heart dropped at first, wavering all over in my chest as I wasn’t sure which emotion to grasp onto. There on Armin’s porch speaking with his grandfather stood Erwin Smith, surprisingly not wearing an all black get up this time. Instead, he had on black dress pants accompanied with slick brown dress shoes. His top was a collared white button up matched with a striped tie. On anyone else the outfit would’ve been dull and boring but not on this man. I was convinced he could wear anything and look like a fucking model. Why was he a detective when he could easily be the poster boy for Hollister or something?

The moment the vehicle was put in park I was antsy. I couldn’t control my sporadic movements to escape from the hold of the car. I was walking fast, splashing through numerous puddles trying to reach him on the porch while rain beat against my head. Without me even saying a word, he turned from speaking to Mr. Arlert and smiled, not a genuine one I could tell more like ones colleagues passed to one another that usually had an acknowledging nod with it. Finally reaching him, not only was I reminded of the height difference but also my shortness of breath.

“Is it over?” I asked clearly winded but nevertheless my voice remained hopeful. Erwin, not even needing me to explain knew instantly what I was talking about. He straightened the line of his mouth out and his eyes lowered slightly notifying me of his answer immediately.

“No unfortunately not,” he was shaking his head and just as quickly as the emotion had entered me it left. Guess there would not be a trial for my mother for a while then. Fuck the justice system. “I’m actually here on other important business.”

“What could be more important than my mother’s death?” I hadn’t been snappy when asking it but that didn’t mean I didn’t want to be. Why else would they send Erwin here? To rub it in my face that he fucked Levi once upon a time? Yes, I was still very salty about that.

He reached into his pocket digging around for a bit before fluidly flicking his wrist and bringing out a piece of paper. He snapped it, and to his will the piece of dead tree opened up revealing its contents. It was a document, from the state of Delaware. “You see, under the state law both you and your adoptive sister Mikasa are still under age, making you both minors.” I had a bad feeling. A _very_ bad feeling. He cleared his throat before meeting those steel blue eyes upon my oceanic green. “I was telling Mr. Arlert here that you two are no longer going to be living here anymore. As of today, you will be living with your father.” I think I was going to throw up. _Oh my gosh_ I was going to throw up.

“Sir with all due respect you can’t do that!” It was Armin, to my surprise that had been the one to stand up when I couldn’t. I felt betrayed by my mouth, as I feared what would come out if I opened it. Vomit from my absolute horror or profanity from my rising anger? Erwin looked to him and lifted one of those thick eyebrows, interest streaming over his face.

“Oh? Under what restrictions?” While Erwin did not sound as if he were irked that a high schooler was speaking out against him, there was a peculiar gleam in his eyes. As if he was enjoying this challenge being presented to him.

Armin took a deep breath as the rain poured down upon him, dripping down his face before speaking. “Under law, you are not allowed to come to a person’s residence demanding their restraint without a notification first. Whether it be an email, phone call, or previous visit, notice must be given,” I listened as Armin recited his argument sounding as if he were reading straight from a book.  It was scary how intelligent Armin was at times. I would hate to think of what evil he could do if he ever used his mind for wrong doings.

Erwin placed a relaxed hand inside his pocket as he soaked in all Armin had to say. His face didn’t say he was about to put up an actual argument, more like he was about to play along. You could see the gears maneuvering inside his brain, “You’re not wrong you know,” he admitted coolly, “However, those rules only apply to Jackson country and seeing as this house is outside of that jurisdiction, I am entitled to all rights to seize the person’s I have been sent to gather,” smirking, like a champion he took the paper and rolled it up placing it in a pocket before turning back to Mikasa and myself. “You two need to pack your belongings,” he stopped and checked his watch. “Ahh, we’re behind schedule,” that last comment seemed more to himself.

I wanted to fight with him about this; I didn’t want to accept this fate that was awaiting me. Mikasa looked to me and awaited my move to which I looked to Armin. No words could describe the look of absolute desperation I transmitted to him. I needed him to do something, _anything_ to halt this process.

Sensing the battle was over, I began picking up my feet to travel inside the house and pack my belongings, all while gritting my teeth. Damn that Grisha. I would make his life absolute _hell_ for doing this to us. I would—

“Wait,” Armin chimed in, something about his tone of voice halted me dead in my tracks. Even Erwin looked to him with a sense of quickness. I could see Jean tug on Armin’s shirt lightly, as if a warning but Armin ignored it, “You came to this residence to seize the inhabitants of this house correct?” To this Erwin nodded, as if the answer was obvious. “Then your trip is frivolous. The only two true residents of this house are myself and my grandfather. Eren and Mikasa are not technical inhabitants are they are not registered at this address. In fact, if you look at the documentation on their insurance I’m sure they will be registered still as residents at the home they shared with their mother.” There was a looming silence that took over; the only thing that could be heard was the crack of thunder off in the distance. A howl of wind passed through us, causing the rain to shift directions and blow sideways smacking me in the face. Erwin had retained his form; looming over us all but the slight shock was evident in his face. It was clear he hadn’t expected someone so young to be so knowledgeable about the judicial system.

Finally soothing out his expression, I watched as the corners of his mouth twitched, revealing an amused smile. He was not mad surprisingly, still giving off a cool persona even though he had been beaten by a boy less than half his size. He wasn’t even paying attention to the rest of us anymore, all his attention was centered around Armin and he spoke breaking the silence, “You know a lot of information, I’m impressed,” he was nodding his head for approval and the both of them held eyes, one filled with new admiration and respect and the other melting away into bashfulness. I could help but notice Armin’s slight dip of the head as he accepted the compliment. Was he actually acting shy right now after he just went toe to toe with the head of the police chief department? Jean, having noticed nudged Armin’s hard before giving a narrow eyed glance to Erwin like a jealous boyfriend; he didn’t like the way Erwin looked at Armin I could tell. “Still though,” Erwin continued now looking to me, “Despite the argument put up by your clever friend here,” Armin looked away and blushed at that, “it’s not going to work. Your father moved his residence here and after your mother’s passing had both of your information switched over to him. You’re under his insurance now which means you still need to come with me.”

This time, there was nothing to say. Somehow, this man had taken Armin’s argument and turned it, a full 180. He had twisted fate and put things back in his favor easily. Scratch that, this man did not need to be a model at all; he needed to be a lawyer. He even gave of the personage of a man who would not accept defeat easily.

Not letting him repeat himself, I marched inside the house with Mikasa tailing behind me and went to pack my bags.

_When it rains it fucking pours_

I thought my usual line to myself when things went wrong. How ironic that it actually happening to be storming outside.

 

_Levi, its Eren. You’re never going to believe how shitty today has been!_

My fingers were typing away savagely as I waited in the back seat of Erwin’s car with Mikasa. She stared out the window eyeing Erwin like a hawk; if glares could kill I was sure Erwin would drop over dead from the look she was giving to him.

“I don’t like him,” she commented simply, ice in her voice. I looked up from my phone. I didn’t like him either, though my reasons were extremely childish when compared to hers. I was just being a jealous little bitch. She scoffed raising a hand dramatically, “And look at him! Flirting shamelessly with Armin even though his boyfriend is standing right fucking there.” She sighed crossing her arms. “Where’s his dignity?” That whole sentence grabbed my attention.

“Whoa wait,” I called out. “You seriously think that guy is interested in Armin?” The thought of that was impossible. Impractical! _Inconceivable_!!! The dick that poked my dream boyfriend would not poke my best friend too. I would raise all dimensions of hell before I let that fly over my eyes. But Mikasa never replied because it was then we saw Erwin shaking Armin’s hand before breaking away and walking gracefully over to the car. He climbed in smoothly, shutting the door after him and starting up the car. Dead silence. I darted back to my phone, typing like a teenage girl who was running a blog.

_I want to chop your ex boyfriends balls off. You had terrible taste._

I scanned through that text after hitting send and looked at the word ‘had’. I made sure to put that as obviously his taste wasn’t so bad anymore seeing as he had some sort of attraction level to me. Erwin was driving now and not a single word was being exchanged between all of us. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore as all of this was just too fucked up.

“You know,” I began sitting forward in my seat. “Even if you drop us off there I’ll just run away,” I had said it casually. I wanted to piss this guy off just as much as his entire existence pissed me off.

Erwin, keeping his eyes on the road commented back easily, “Then I’ll just bring you back.” His voice was passive as if me running was the least of his concerns.

“Can you at least tell us something about our mother’s case?” Mikasa pitched in arms still crossed and scowl still on her face.

“Sorry, I can’t release any details about that right now,” he said calmly causing me to grumble.

“This is stupid,” I threw out, “You already said you have a suspect in custody. Why can’t we know who it is?” Erwin’s driving was smooth, as he maneuvered his way through traffic effortlessly. Once he switched lanes and turned down a street, he answered.

“We’re not supposed to tell victims’ families who the suspect is because in the past it’s always led to bad incidents,” he paused and like the idiot I was, I fell for the silence and urged him to continue speaking.

“Like what?”

Erwin hummed, a buzz passing through his chest at my need to hear his next words. Then he continued, “People get consumed by their grief. They’re angry, sad, confused as to why something so bad happened to them. Then they make up their mind, finding a solution. In their desperate need to seek justice, they try and take matters into their own hands where they feel like the system failed them.” I had no clue why, but my heart began to race as his storytelling picked up and reached its peak. He peered up through the rearview mirror and locked eyes with me, all lightheartedness gone as now a sharp gaze was given to me. “They resort to murder.”

Our eyes had not left one another, my breathing stilled. What was he saying? That I was someone to worry about because of my anger? That he felt like the man who killed my mother needed to be protected from _me_? No, no matter how angry I was, I could never go so far as to take someone else’s life. I couldn’t…I wouldn’t…

“We’re here,” Erwin said bringing me back to reality. Of course, how had I not noticed that the car had stopped moving? Erwin turned around in his seat and smiled, all trace of his previous accusing gaze gone. “You two try and be good. You have a dad who is actually trying to be in your lives. Don’t mess that up over the past.” His advice was something I took with a grain of salt. Who the fuck was Erwin, who knew nothing about the situation, to tell me how to handle it? We got out of the car, neither agreeing nor disagreeing with him, and watched as he pulled off down the street. Here we stood, luggage in hand, in front of the new home.

“Its…kind of small,” Mikasa commented eying the residence. It was a one story home, a ranch style to be more exact. It had been constructed of brick on the bottom half, while the upper half was wooden and painted white. In the front yard there was one single tree, quite large and in full sprout shrouding over the home. I exhaled, flicking my eyes down the street. Every home was the same ranch style but the next door neighbor had a different tree. It was an apple blossom tree, blooming pink petal floating downward as the wind blew them. I heard a rustle in my front and shifted my vision; Grisha was opening the front door.

“You guys made it,” he commented actually seeming quite happy. I wanted to tear that happiness from inside of him and blow fire all over it. He side stepped creating an opening for us, “C’mon in,” he gestured openly. There was no movement.

Both Mikasa and I stood there, no more rain had been falling but harsh winds were blowing. I looked to her and I could tell she was trying to deduce whether or not I was alright. My lips formed a straight pressed line and I simply shrugged, while she nodded her head towards the house. The second we were inside I had made a conscious decision, I hated the place.

Walking inside there was a large living room center immediately available. Vast white walls were enclosed around me, not a hint of life to this place as it was completely vacant. Not even any carpets. How cruel that it seemed this house reminded me of myself on the inside. “It’s a little empty right now,” Grisha admitted sheepishly glancing around the room. _That_ was an understatement. He turned back to us and smiled, “But that’s okay. We’ll redecorate the house anyway you guys want to.” The warmth in his voice made me sick. Why was he acting like this? Just a week ago, he had shown up and had acted high and mighty as though he had complete control over us. I was getting sick of this act, but bit my tongue as he continued on, walking down the narrow hallway to our left. As we traveled down it I could see there were two rooms in somewhat close proximity to one another on the left and a curve further down the hall leading to a room on the right. We turned into the first one.

“Mikasa, this one is your room,” we entered it and once again a repeat of the living room happened. It was mostly empty, except there was an air mattress on the floor. “The beds won’t be delivered in for at least another week. Sorry but these will have to do,” he stated. Mikasa said nothing, just lowered her luggage and took hard steps across the wooden floor toward the bed. Once there she sat down heavily, resting her arms upon her legs.

“Thanks,” she said, “But why are we living in a vacant house? How come you aren’t making us move out of state with you?” The question I too had wanted an answer to. Grisha stood in front of us both now, promising this new home and life but why exactly?

“Well, I know both of you guys are in your senior year and I didn’t want to make you have to move and start all over again.” He paused stuffing both hands in his pockets. “I just didn’t want to put you guys through that hassle,” Mikasa said nothing but stared at him long and hard debating whether or not she believed his words. Finally she nodded her head, accepting the reasoning before turning to her bags and unpacking. Grisha took this as a positive sign and turned to me.

“Let me show you your room Eren,” he moved waving a hand at me to follow him. Reluctantly, I did. It only took a handful of steps before we had made it to my room where once again the same air mattress sat on the floor. I eyed it, wondering how comfortable the contraption could possibly be. Still hanging on to my bags, I glanced around the room and all its blankness. It felt like I was in alien territory. There was no stereo like I had with my mother. There were no bands posters. There was no pile of dirty laundry that I had been too lazy to clean so I sprayed them with Febreeze. There was simply nothing, an empty canvas.

“I know it’s probably not as big as your old room,” Grisha commented walking with stride across the room. “But I promise you’ll like it here. I just really want for you and Mikasa to be happy.”

 _Happy_? Is that was he was expecting? Happiness was impossible to have as long as things remained the way they were. Happiness was impossible as long as he was around. I hated him and everything that he had done.

“I know we’ve had some rocky points in the past but I’m sure we’ll get past all that,” he said waving a hand, as if the past was all nothing.

No more. I couldn’t do this. “Okay, you know what I’ve had enough,” I spoke now for the first time since entering the house and dropped my bags around me.

“What are you talking about?” Grisha asked confusion clouding his voice. Was he serious right now?

“ _You_ ,” I accused pointing a finger at him. “You couldn’t get us to go with you willingly, so you go to the police department and file a fucking report. You act as if I didn’t curse you out and try to get you completely eradicated from my life,” my voice was rising now and my hands were going wild in gestures, “You had the chief detective come and seize us from a happy home we _were_ staying in! You don’t think that’s crazy?” My voice had gone ridiculously high at the last remark towards him and Grisha remained quiet for a moment.

“Eren,” he began cautiously, “I came back because I love you both. You are my children—”

“NO!” I hollered cutting him off at the top of my lungs. I had tried, I tried so hard to contain the anger but I just couldn’t. “No, no, no! You don’t ‘love’ us; you have no idea what it means to love your kids!” At this comment Grisha stood tall and firm, stepping forwards toward me.

“Do _not_ sit here and try to tell me what my heart feels,” he threatened to me. I didn’t care.

“Does it feel? Because you sure as hell could’ve fooled me!” I took a deep breath, preparing to let go of everything that had been staying on my chest. Mikasa had arrived in the doorway, wild confusion in her eyes. “You Grisha Jaeger, are a pitiful, worthless excuse for a man and are no father to me. You walked away like a coward! If you loved us, you would’ve stayed when we practically begged you in tears not to go! If you loved us, you would have came to at least _one_ birthday party!” I paused as I could feel the tremor in my voice returning. “Do you have any idea, _any_ idea at all how much it hurts when you have to watch all the other kids growing up with a dad and when they ask where is yours; you lie, saying he’s away on vacation. I lied for you all my life. You fucking piece of shit.”

That was it. At some moment of heated animosity, Grisha had simply had enough. My brain had not even registered it, Grisha’s fist came hurling at my face too fast for me to react. It collided with my chin, upper cutting me and knocking me down off my feet with a force I was not prepared for. My body collided to the ground, causing a loud echo throughout the house and Mikasa was quick to react standing in between us to prevent any further damage.

“You think you can just come into my home and disrespect me?!” Grisha was yelling, having finally lost his temper. I reached a hand up touching my jaw line instantly feeling the sharp pain travel upwards near my ear. My lip had been bleeding, I could taste it.

“ _Fuck you_ ,” I growled out getting myself into a crouched position. Our eyes were locked, my undying hatred for him beaming through from my soul. He said nothing however, not a word. I picked myself up off the ground, blood dripping onto my new white hoodie. “I don’t need this,” I didn’t have to take this. I walked out of the room, brining out my now cracked phone from the impact of the fall. I texted manically sending out waves of messages, shattered glass poking my fingers.

_Levi I need you to come get me._

No answer.

_Levi please I need you to talk to me._

Still nothing.

_Please please please I really need you right now._

He hadn’t responded to a single thing I had said to him all day. I was going berserk, feeling myself slipping away. When I got no reply after a few minutes I dialed another number, a reliable source.

“Hello?” He had answered on the first ring. Armin never missed calls.

“I need you to come get me please. Like now,” I stressed the last part of my sentence. He was on it instantly.

“I’m on my way,” and with that we both clicked off the phone. I pocketed the device and began pacing back and forward in the front room hastily.

I heard her footsteps before I even acknowledged her, “Eren, are you alright?” Mikasa asked reaching for my face. I jumped backward, as I hated whenever she tried to baby me no matter what the circumstance.

“I’m leaving,” I stated icily while scanning her eyes.

“Where are you going?” She asked, clearly concerned.

“Out of this fucked up house. I don’t belong here.” I had a hand pressed to my chest as I spoke and another rubbing slightly at my aching jaw.

“Eren please,” she pleaded not wanting me to go, “Just go talk it out or something, don’t do this.” For all she knew I was going out to live on the streets. What she didn’t know was better, for her own good. She couldn’t know where I was really going and what I was really going to do.

“I’m sorry, I just can’t,” I shook my head and walked past her, not glancing forward as I did. I didn’t have to look back to know that a tear had fallen from her eyes to the ground. The impact of it colliding with the wood had echoed through the room and my ears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and here we have Eren abandoning Mikasa but, where will he go?


	7. Prescription Drugs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren is contemplating giving something up to Levi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finals week is coming up, shit is getting real. Wish me luck! But don't worry, i'll still update every week nothing will change. Okay you guys have been waiting so, here's the next chapter :D

“And then he just _punched_ you!?” Armin wailed to me so loudly that I had to cover my ear exposed to him. Noticing my movement he put a hand over his mouth, “Sorry,” he apologized.

I nodded my head approving of the story I had just ran back to him. A few moments ago Armin had shown up and I climbed in the car quickly. The look on his face when he saw me was priceless, and I would’ve burst into laughter had the situation been different. He had been bombarding me with questions since then, I prayed silently that this was his last one.

“Wow. What a…” he paused searching for the proper word. “Meanie.” He summed up sounding like an absolute five year old. To this I couldn’t help but chuckle despite the pain it added to my face.

“You do know it’s okay to swear right? We’re only like 17,” I joked feeling somewhat lighthearted. “Say a ‘fuck’ every now and then. Now you try,” I encouraged feeling like this was something Levi would say. In my head I imagined him raising a huge thumbs up with a cheesy 50’s poster grin and sparkles shining all around his face. Over his head a huge speech bubble read ‘I approve of this shit’. Oh my gosh, I had an awful imagination that needed to be killed.

Armin responded by laughing delicately, “I know it just feels weird coming out is all.” He was an angel I swear. While he was talking I was still typing away trying to get Levi to answer my texts. I was seriously annoyed that he had managed to ignore my assault of messages all day. “You could at least listen to me when I’m talking,” his comment grasped my attention, making me look up from my phone.

“Oh sorry,” I apologized. He shook his head indicating that it wasn’t that big of a deal when an old thought occurred to me. “What was that old pervert Erwin talking to you about earlier today?” The moment I had mentioned that name I watched as Armin’s upper lip quivered slightly and a hint of red took over his cheeks. Oh no.

“Nothing really,” his voice had gone a bit high, a bashful ring to it. “He just congratulated me on my argumentative skills…asked me what my major was…I told him it was criminal justice…told me if I wanted I could work with him one day…” his voice trailed off and I didn’t like the sounds of that at all.

“Shit, Mikasa was right he wants to suck your dick,” I said while rolling my eyes.

“Eren!” Armin scolded me obviously embarrassed.

“You did tell him you were taken right?” Never before had I rooted for Armin and Jean so badly. The face that he gave to me looked completely guilty and I palmed my forehead lowering my head.

“Well okay no! I didn’t but why would I? That’s not exactly something you just bring up when someone is offering you your dream job,” he seemed a bit flustered with the conversation. Armin didn’t like high pressured situations and clearly I was putting him through one right now.

“I don’t think Jean would like that,” I remarked glancing back down at my phone. Still nothing.

“Since when do you give a crap about Jean?” He countered, bewilderment evident in his question.

“Umm, since it might involve you cheating on him with a gross older man. Seriously Armin, what’s up with that? It’s not like you to hide your bubblegum relationship from anyone.”

Armin said nothing for a bit but I took note of how his hands appeared to clutch the steering wheel a bit harder. Finally after releasing a controlled sigh, he spoke, “Okay for starters, Erwin is not gross nor a pervert.” Ew, he was defending him already. “And second, I don’t know. It sounds so stupid but I’m worried about Jean.”

I blinked a few times not following, “Is he like sick or something…?”

Armin snorted in air while rolling his eyes, “No Eren, he is not sick. I’m talking about him and Marco Bodtt. Those two have been talking a lot ever since Marco got your spot on the football team. A few days ago, Jean’s phone buzzed when he was sleep and so I looked at it and saw it was from Marco asking if they were still “hanging out”,” he had taken his hands off the wheel to do the air quotations.

“And so you think flirting with Erwin is a way to get back at him?” I asked raising an eyebrow. He nodded once confirming his plan. This idea sounded crazy but if Armin planned it then I had no doubts that it would definitely work.

“Where are we going anyway?” He asked changing the subject. He was right to ask because it had been a solid twenty minutes since we left the house of hell. As usual, I had no idea where I was going. Levi wasn’t answering anything from me and it wasn’t like I had a key to his apartment.

Then it dawned upon me.

I brought out my phone quickly opening up Google maps and located my destination. I leaned over to Armin showing him the coordinates and he adjusted accordingly, planning his course. It didn’t take long, maybe a good fifteen minutes before we had arrived.

“What are we doing here?” Armin asked putting his car in park. The place in front of us was massive, blocked off with a gate wrapping around the entire fortress of the land. Huge industrial clouds floated up into the sky from chimneys polluting the Earth. Yeah, this had to be it.

I leaned over and began unbuckling my seatbelt, “Thanks Armin, you can just drop me off here.” I was going to grab the door handle when Armin rested a hand on my shoulder stopping me.

“Are you crazy? You want me to just drop you off at a power plant and act like this is normal?” I didn’t answer him and didn’t need to as he kept talking. “Why are we here Eren? What are you about to do?”

I thought about my answer. If there was ever going to be a time to be completely honest with him and let him in on my new life, it was now. I could tell him about Levi, the man who I had met and gotten high with twice now. I could tell him about how being with Levi made me feel, how his presence alone could work wonders for my nerves. But then I thought about his face if he discovered the road I was walking on and decided against it.

“Look,” I began reaching over to take hold of his hand on me, “You’re a great friend and I really do appreciate what you did for me earlier. I’ll be fine now though, don’t worry,” I reassured him and willed him to believe me with my eyes. He held mine for a while, blue eyes flickering all over my face until finally he shut them, exhaling.

“Fine, I trust you. I don’t know what you’re doing but I trust you.” With that I half smiled, as my face was extremely sore and swollen, and climbed out of the car. I turned shutting the door and began walking away when Armin called out to me.

“Hey!” I turned to see he had rolled down the passenger window, “Don’t tell anyone about Erwin. Or what I told you about Jean.” Honestly, he didn’t need to tell me this as I wouldn’t dare to do a thing.

“Don’t tell anyone about this either,” I replied back. It was the last of words we exchanged before he put his car back into drive and left. I braced myself, and walked into the front doors, my man hunt mission beginning.

 

“I’m sorry but I can’t let you back there,” the hazel eyed woman at the counter told me from behind what looked to be bullet proof glass.

“You don’t understand this is an emergency! I need to see Levi now!” It wasn’t quite an emergency in real world standards, but I would think my emotional trauma for the day was enough reason.

She rolled her eyes and brought them up from the magazine she had been flipping through, “Are you his lover?” She asked quite bluntly causing me to suck in breath sharply. I froze and was at a complete loss of words.

“N-no,” I answered meekly with a blush betraying me.

“Are you his kid?” She pressed on making me squeeze my eyebrows together.

“No.”

“His grandchild?”

“No!” I was getting frustrated with these odd ball questions now as I snapped at her. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a stick of bubblegum, unraveling it before tossing it into her mouth.

“Then I don’t see what the emergency is. Sounds to me like you’re just some kid,” She said shrugging her shoulders. With that, she redirected her attention to her magazine and began ignoring me all over again. I looked over to the doors just behind the counter she was sitting on and thought about how easy it would be to just rush past her and go to him. But then again, if I did that I would cause a massive scene here and Levi would probably kick my ass for it later. I glanced at her and sighed, I had no other choice.

“Miss please,” I threw on my innocent child voice from back when I was younger, “I know you don’t know me, and I may seem like some annoying kid to you but this is very important. I _need_ to see him. He’s the only person I have that I can go to. He’s the only person who understands me,” the raw desperation in my voice surprised even me. I hadn’t realized how serious I was about this till right now. I really did need to see him. She was staring at me now, with a softness that wasn’t previously there.

Slowly, her hand reached over and picked up a walkie talkie. “Corporal, you need to come to the front desk. There’s someone special here to see you,” her voice had taken that of a motherly tone and I couldn’t believe it compared to the bitch she was being earlier. After she spoke her message she put the contraption down and smiled down upon me. “He should be out in a sec.”

I smiled lightly, as much as my face would let me, “Thanks.”

“No problem. Sorry about the attitude earlier, my name is Petra. We don’t get a lot of young people barging in the doors here. Especially ones demanding to see Corporal of all people.”

“I’m Eren,” I answered but went further on, “What do you mean ‘of all people’?” Before she could even reply though, the doors behind her burst open revealing the frame of a tiny man. A tiny pissed off man. I couldn’t help but gawk at his arms which were glistening due to sweat and watched as he gracefully brought up an arm rubbing away loose hair strands touching his forehead.

“Petra,” he spoke lowly sounding like a tiger ready to pounce, “This had better be fucking important.” I watched as she went from being a lioness to a kitten as she pointed over in my direction. His cold grey eyes slid from her and landed on me. “Eren, what the hell are you doing here?” He demanded. I felt like the spotlight of the room was all on me.

“You didn’t answer any of my text messages,” it was the only thing I could think of to say. At the realization of my words, I watched as his eyes grew wider and he began stepping forward with stride.

“You came all the way to my job,” he started, “and had me pulled from working all because I didn’t respond to _text messages_?” He was mad, oh my gosh was he mad. I don’t know why, but suddenly I was envisioning him as one of those ticking time bombs from super mario, except a lot less cuter.

He was within arms distance now and without real thinking, I shot my hand out and grabbed at his oil stained gloved hand. He gave a perplexed look from my face, down to the hand grasping his. “It’s not stupid like it sounds. Just please. I need to talk to you,” I was speaking low enough so only he could hear me. Grey, low sitting eyes challenged mine as I willed for him to understand me and the importance of this moment. That same chemistry that I felt transmitted between us the day we met emitted once again, and I felt a pang in my heart when he looked away.

“Petra,” he called out to her. She was suddenly as alert as a solider speaking to a general. “Give my remaining hours over to Oluo. He’s been whining about wanting overtime for weeks now.” Levi had given her the command and was beginning to walk away, past me.

“Okay,” Petra obeyed brining out the schedule board and scrambling down exactly what he told her. I couldn’t believe how easily she had listened to him when earlier she had been so stubborn to even hear me out.

“Come on you little brat, let’s go.” He was grabbing things out of his locker and I was quick to follow behind him, as always to stand next to him.

 

The car ride was…awkward to say the least. Levi had been driving only for five minutes, but when neither of us spoke it felt so much longer. It was no surprise to find how clean his car was both inside and out. He drove a 2003 silver Ford explorer accompanied with tinted windows and a back seat spread with towels incase he needed to clean.

“You want to chop Erwin’s balls off huh?” He commented grabbing my attention away from the window. He had removed the grease stained gloves and was filing through his messages despite driving.

“You’re going to make us crash!” I hollered at him, flinching at the sting it made my jaw feel. Of course I wasn’t really concerned about crashing but more so about him reading that stupid message. He side glanced over to me with a slightly amused expression.

“I’ve been driving since I was fourteen, calm down,” he scolded over towards me speaking in a superior manner. “Why were you with Erwin today?” He had turned to face me now lowering the phone. For the first time ever, I heard blatant jealousy in his voice though I wasn’t sure who it was meant for.

Feeling the usual sting cross through me at the mention of his name, I sank lower into the seat and looked away, “He only stepped in to help ruin my life,” I commented sounding every bit like an angst teen. “And to fuck Armin.” To that comment Levi’s head snapped over, completely alert.

“What?” He questioned as if he wasn’t believing my words.

“My best friend. My sister Mikasa thought it looked like Erwin was hitting on him. It did kind of look like that too.”

 To this, his eyebrow twitched irritably, making a ‘tch’ sound Levi turned away focusing back again on the road.

“Yeah, that sounds like him. The ruining your life part,” I didn’t say anything. I did not want to get into their history with one another I was desperately trying to pretend as if they did not have a history.

“Are you jealous that I saw him?” I wanted to know. For once I wanted Levi to give me a straight up answer as to whether he had feelings for me or not.

He looked to me and raised one slim eyebrow, “What the hell do I need to be jealous about?”

I looked at him as if he were crazy, “I was with your _ex_ today. That doesn’t bug you one bit?” I had countered his question with another question. Levi gave me one long calculating glare before turning away coolly.

“No,” he had said it so absolute. “I know you didn’t purposely go out and try to be with him. And even if you shook your bare ass and spread your cheeks open it wouldn’t matter. You’re not Erwin’s type.” The visual I had gotten from his explanation had my stomach turning. I didn’t even want to know what Erwin’s type was.

“Why didn’t you answer any of my texts?” I had changed the whole subject but couldn’t help it. I was really fuming about this. “I was practically blowing up your phone today and you didn’t look at a single one.” I had no idea why I thought it was okay to act this snippy with him. It wasn’t like he was my boyfriend or anything, no matter how hard I daydreamed about it. Still, that didn’t mean my feelings couldn’t be hurt that he didn’t think my name was important enough to open the messages.

Levi face looked taken back, as if he were truly annoyed that I was talking to him like this. “Let me tell you a little something. One day, when you grow a beard and get into this thing we grown ups like to call ‘adulthood’ things will change. You get a job. You can’t just text away like in a filthy high school classroom and gossip. You have to actually work your ass off,” the sarcasm was drenched all over that sentence and I hadn’t appreciated it. I hated that he still thought of me as a kid. “Speaking of school, what bully did you get into a fight with on the playground today?” He was talking about my face. At the mention of it, memories flooded through my brain as I recalled today’s events.

“My dad.” I had said it quite flatly and blunt.

“Oh.” Levi simply said obviously not expecting my answer.

“Yeah,” I replied wrapping both my arms around myself and looking away. I hadn’t meant to but it seemed that I had killed the mood. “I was trying to talk to you about it, that’s why I rushed into your job without thinking. I just wanted to be around you. You were the first person I thought about going to,” after the last part of my sentence slid off my tongue, I rolled my head over in his direction and gazed at him deeply. His face was grim, in its usual manner.

“Sorry,” he said sounding genuine. “From now on I’ll keep my phone on me at work.” There was a silence that claimed the air in the car yet again, as he had no music playing. It hadn’t lasted long though as Levi spoke up, “You don’t have a good relationship with your dad,” he had said it more like a statement than a question.

I shook my head and rolled my eyes, “That’s the biggest understatement of the year.” He didn’t reply though as just then we had rolled up into familiar territory. I exhaled feeling a bit relieved as we left the constraints of the car and went up into his apartment. As soon as we got inside though, Levi grabbed my hand and practically dragged me after him into his bathroom.

He forced me to sit down on the toilet as he crouched down and shuffled through his bottom cabinets. He arose with some cotton balls and rubbing alcohol and placed in gently on the sink counter before turning to me. He leaned down and tenderly placed his hand under my chin, angling my head towards him as he leaned in closer.  Even though, he had been this close to me before I still had no control over how fast my heart was beating. I don’t think this man understood the hold he had over me.

“Ouch,” I flinched as he poked at a sensitive spot. He merely hummed at my pain and stepped back.

“He got you good,” he commented turning for the cotton ball. He popped open the cap for the burning liquid and soaked in into the cotton. “Care to explain to me what happened in the Brady household today?” He asked making me stare at him in utter confusion.

“My last name is Jaeger.”

“No you idiot, it’s a reference to the TV show the Brady Bunch?” I only blinked and to this he sighed dramatically dropping his arms like limp noodles. “Ugh, fucking 90’s kids I swear.” He shook his head as if to clear his thoughts before returning his hand to my face, this time with the stinging cotton ball attached. I hissed at the pain and tried to push away but he wouldn’t allow it. He had a strong grip for someone so puny.

I struggled against his hold, trying to inch my head backward as much as possible so that it would stop hurting. Levi had been keeping up with me however, turning my head back towards him and ignoring my curled up lip of disdain. Finally, after a long power struggle Levi pulled away, dropping his hand from my face.

“Will you stop being a little shit for just two seconds? I’m trying to make sure you don’t get an infection,” he had risen his voice at me a bit and I couldn’t help but falter a bit under it.

“I can’t help it. It hurts,” I had risen back at him making sure to put complete emphasis on the hurt part. I didn’t know how much longer I could take his medical treatment. We stared at each other, both trying to figure the other out. I was trying to predict his next move and he appeared to be thinking of what to do next. His body loosened up, shoulders slumping showing me that he was releasing his tension I was causing. He placed his spare hand on the counter for support, as he inched closer to me bit by bit. The tips of our noses were lightly grazing one another; my lips had parted all on their own awaiting to be taken away.

“Just focus on me,” his breath snaked out of his mouth, blessing my skin with its coolness. “Don’t think about the pain. Keep your eyes on me,” his gaze was profound, and I found it agonizing to even attempt to move my eyes off of his. His voice was melodic, echoing vibrantly through my ears traveling to my core. It rang inside me buzzing around, and being accompanied with his touch began to take effect on me. I watched him, analyzing his face as his grey orbs darted away to center in on my jaw. His fingers brushed at it smoothly, causing me to shiver and a pleasant hum of laughter to arise in his throat.

He was not looking directly at me but more so a part of me. This made me feel at ease since I was taking advantage of his words and staring directly at him. I was so close to him, unlike previous times however when I was kissing him, this time I was really _looking_ at him. From the tiny cracks woven in his lips to the tip of his eyelashes that shone a light brown. Averting a bit lower, I looked to the region just below his eyes. I had never noticed just how many creases he had underneath. There were at least thin lines of tiny layers, and while most would’ve found this completely unattractive and offsetting for his face, I found it beautiful. Everything about him was absolutely beautiful to me.

“Alright, you’re all done,” he said dropping his hand away from cheek causing a feeling of absence from said area. I was disappointed that he had pulled away from me and looked down into my lap. I heard him stuffing his things back into place and was prepared to get off his toilet seat.

“Than—” my sentence was never finished and I never made it out of the seat, as suddenly he was touching me again. He swiftly brought those gentle, yet calloused hands out palming my face before angling it. His lips conquered mine; dancing all along them and I acted instantly, as if kissing him were the most natural thing on this earth. He was holding my face firm, trying to angle my head to his preference but I did it for him. I flicked out my tongue, licking all along his bottom lip slowly awaiting entrance. I felt his lips tug into a slight smile before he opened them allowing me inside his walls. Our tongues met feverishly, fighting and twisting all around each other competing for dominance. Levi moaned into my mouth before taking my hair and knotting it into his fists. I was feeling excited, I couldn’t keep my hands to myself anymore. I shot them out, grabbing at his ass placing both hands on each cheek. I used what strength he hadn’t taken from me in the kiss to tug him down, forcing him to slide onto my lap. He eased onto me, ass resting perfectly above my dick with one hand gripping my hair and the other slammed against the wall beside my head.

I gripped his ass, squeezing tight remembering how he liked the pain and was rewarded with him panting then nipping at my bottom lip. I wasn’t prepared though, for the rhythmic grind he pressed against me. “Damn,” I moaned out breaking apart from the kiss, spit coming down my chin a bit.  

“You like that don’t you?” He questioned huskily, doing it all over again making my head fall back against the wall. He was grinding all over my dick, the friction from our pants keeping me from feeling the complete raw sensation. Levi leaned down, still humping against me and claimed my lips all over again. I was moaning in his mouth the entire time unable to completely focus on the kiss anymore.

His hand had left my hair along with the other, snaking downwards until I felt them sliding up my shirt. He was pulling it up, hands roaming over my abs leaving burning skin in its path. He was trailing lightly over my skin, so light that it was sickening as it was clearly a tease. He was holding back, he wasn’t touching me like the way I craved; I wanted to be devoured by him. Completely consumed, leaving not a trace.

I didn’t know how much longer I could take this, I was far more sensitive to touch than he was and he knew it. I could feel my cock beating; it didn’t want to be trapped in these constraints anymore. I was mustering up the courage to take it out too when suddenly, Levi slowed his grinding until it came to a complete stop. His kiss had gone soft, tongue gently caressing against mine now. He pulled back, both hands taking hold of my face yet again. He came back down for a peck. One. Two. Three.

Then he got up, sliding off of me.

The aroused haze in my eyes still evident, breathing still uneven, I sat forward watching as stepped backward taking a seat on the ledge of the bathtub.

“What was that for?” I managed to ask after settling my voice. He merely looked to me, crossing his legs.

“A reward for staying still.” All of _that_ was just for staying still while he cleaned up my jaw? Wow, remind me to be bad again where a reward would be needed. He narrowed his eyes, “I won’t always be that nice so don’t even think about trying that again,” and there goes that plan, shot to shit faster than it was created.

“Oh,” I remarked touching at my lips. They had only been separated from his for less than a minute and already they missed him. I also noted how aggressive that kiss was; I had to use my whole jaw line to keep pace with him. It was definitely sore from that but I’d do it all over again and more if I had the chance.

“Eren,” my name sounded sublime coming out of his mouth. His voice held a lingering tone however, his hands were pressed together and his head hung low. “Why me?” He questioned looking up.

“Excuse me?” I asked scrunching up my face.

“I mean _why_ me? Of all the good and positive people I’m sure you have in your life, why did you pick coming to me? Why would you want to be around someone like me?” He was looking at me now, eyes desperately seeking an answer. I was instantly reminded of the night we laid in his bed with the lights over us. How open and vulnerable he was, a small repeat was happing of it all over again.

I didn’t even know where to begin. Obviously, at first it was because of my attraction that I kept coming around. I was obsessed with his face. Then it became more about the way he made me feel when I was near him. I don’t think I had ever been so comfortable around another person in my life. I thought we were similar too, both young and having so much shit thrown on our shoulders.

His eyes remained locked on my face, awaiting my next words. I wasn’t very good with speaking about my feelings, but honesty was always a start. “Don’t laugh,” I warned sheepishly.

“I won’t,” he countered completely serious. Of course he wouldn’t, he didn’t seem like the type of person to laugh at another when they were being open.

“Well to be honest, I like being around you a lot. When I’m with you I feel safe, like I don’t have to hide what kind of person I am. I think you’re smart, and funny in your own cynical way. And wise, I mean you’re only twenty three but you seem like you have life all figured out for the most part. You have answers, and you deal with stress and ache in your heart like no one I’ve seen before. Yeah you may do drugs to help you but so what? Everyone deals with life differently and uses different methods to help them cope. You’re not as negative as you think you are,” I paused and let him soak all this in. “And it helps that you’re smoking hot.”  

He didn’t say anything, just lowered his head a bit looking down at his hands. Maybe I wasn’t the only one who felt insecure with this relationship. Or whatever it was. He shook his head, blowing light air out of his nose, “But I’m an asshole,” he said flatly.

“But you’re a smoking hot asshole,” I corrected causing him to glance upward at me through loose strands of hair. Feeling like he needed it, I smiled as much as my face would allow and it took him a moment but he returned one equally as small.

“A smoking hot asshole huh?” He mused nodding his head. “I’ll take that. But you have to understand that you’re a troublesome little shit.” My face widened more; he was getting back to his old self.

“But am I an _ugly_ troublesome little shit?” I asked raising a finger.

“No, you’re a sexy troublesome little shit.” His eyebrows raised midway through his sentence and I caught myself fighting back a blush to no avail. “But I really am curious. What happened between you and your dad to make him hit you?” He asked going back to his usual glum self.

My face dropped at the mention of that entire incident all over again. “Like I said earlier, me and my dad really don’t get along. When I was little, he abandoned me, my mom, and my adoptive sister and ran off with another woman.” I could feel my fists curling up in my lap as I continued on, “That first time when I ran into you late at night I was running away from my friend’s house, that’s where I was staying. After hearing about my mom dying he thought he’d come out of hiding after seven years and tried to pick us up and take us with him. Of course, I said no and we argued, mainly me shouting at him. Anyway, so today when I got home from school Erwin was standing on the porch with paperwork my dad filled out saying we had to live with him despite me telling him to fuck off. We got to the house and I got overwhelmed.” Now my fists were trembling, ready to attack, “Just being in that house was awful. And the way he acted was the worst part; he tried to pretend like everything was okay. As if we’ve never had any issues a day in our life and like he actually cared how either of us felt. I snapped on him again and this time he hit me.”

Levi said nothing right away, just listened and processed. Then he spoke, “You really think your dad cares nothing about you at all?” He asked tilting his head a bit.

“Of course he doesn’t! Why else would he disappear on us?” I hadn’t meant to but I was shouting. The look Levi gave me was that which a superior gives to a subordinate indicating that I needed to calm down. I took deep breaths.

“Have you ever asked him why he left?” I hadn’t but why did that matter?

“Are you on his side?” I asked feeling slightly hurt. I was sure Levi would be quick to defend me in this situation. He exhaled shifting those bored looking eyes.

“I’m not saying that. I’m just saying that you shouldn’t be so explosive on him. You have a dad who is actually trying to be in your life and despite the circumstance it took to make him come into action, he still did. Lots of kids don’t have that in their lives Eren.” He paused. “I didn’t have that.”

“Erwin said something similar,” I remarked thinking back to the gross old man’s words. Of course, him and Levi would talk alike seeing as they had dated at one point in time. Levi stood up.

“Yeah well that really doesn’t surprise me.” He commented going up to the mirror and opening the cabinet. Inside I saw there were numerous different orange bottles of prescription drugs. Far too many for one man to have. He reached forward and took out a bottle, popping the cap off. He threw one back in his mouth and ran the sink water, bending to take a swig then swallowing both the pill and water.

I stared at him questionably, “What was that?” I asked wondering what he just took. He looked down to the bottle in his hand, rotating it slightly.

“Nothing really,” he said. “It’s just some medication I take every day.”

“For what?” I pressed.

“Depression.” He said it quite blandly. “It’s a form of lithium. It’s supposed to even out my mood and make me feel better but most of the time I just feel numb.” It must’ve been working too as his voice had gone dry, and his face seemed a little lower. That must be the reason why he barely smiled or showed emotion on his face. Everything he was feeling inside shone out instead through his eyes, the only gateway they could.

“Why are you depressed?” I understood only after asking that question just how stupid it was. That was like asking a bird how does it fly.

“It’s too much to tell. I’ve just been through a lot of fucked up shit,” he said looking downward at the sink. I heeded his words and looked through the cabinet scanning out the drugs. Prozac, sleep medication, xanax, codeine, morphine, and the list just kept growing. It was painfully clear he was a prescription drug addict. All he had to do was pick his poison.

I glanced at the lithium bottle he placed on the counter and pondered on it. I was curious, I wanted to know exactly how this small pill could make him feel this way. I wanted to step over into his life and experience what he was going through. I wanted to drown all my anger and frustrations out into this pill. My hand must’ve been hovering over the bottle because Levi was watching carefully.

“You’ll want to lie down if you take it,” he said. “I’m not sure how it’ll make you feel.” He cautioned then walked out of the bathroom into his room. I watched him go then looked back to the bottle. I was going to do it. I knew I was dancing with the devil but I was willing to risk it. Running some water and placing one in my hand, I threw my head back tossing the pill in and bent down to drink water. I swallowed, I couldn’t turn back now.

At first I felt no change, everything was exactly the same. But then, I felt a warmth growing in the pit of my stomach. It started out small; just a tingle and I imagined it like a tree as it began to spread through my body. My arms had fallen loose to my sides, no muscle hold over them. My legs felt lighter, as if they weighed nothing. But my head, it felt as though it was being shrouded with different messages.

_Relax. Calm. Give it up. Rest._

I felt this was what I was being commanded by my body. I had no choice. The anger I felt earlier had somehow been snuffed, completely blown out. The muscles in my face felt somewhat frozen, I did not feel a need to smile, cry, frown, nothing. I just wanted to lay down.

I felt like I was floating, as I glided over to Levi’s bed lying on my back. I had my limbs sprawled out and yet I felt like it still wasn’t enough. I raised my head, seeing Levi undressing next to the closet, putting on more comfortable clothes. If I wasn’t feeling affected by this drug, I would have blushed or something but instead I was completely calm.

“Hey,” I called over. “Can you come lay down with me?” I asked. I don’t know why, but it was a sudden want I possessed, to hold him and be held back.

Without protesting, Levi came over dressed in checkered black and red pants, shitless. Before he laid down though he cut on the infamous lights above us. Finally, he shuffled his way through the bed, crawling over to me. I turned over on my side facing him and extended my arms bringing him closer to me. He snuggled up against my chest and I placed my head atop of his breathing gently as we entangled our legs together.

“How do you feel?” He asked holding me close.

“Not a thing,” I said smelling his hair. It smelled of factory with a hint of strawberry. Interesting.

“Good.” He remarked. We held each other enjoying the silence and comfort of being together before he spoke again. “I want you to go home tonight, be with your dad.”

“Why?” I didn’t sound mad but I felt a small twinge of anger inside me. The drug was so strong however, that I couldn’t get it to function full blown.

“I want you to have a good relationship with him,” he drawled out. “Don’t be like me and my dad. Have that bond.” I didn’t know what to say; clearly this matter was important to him.

“Okay,” I agreed. Just then a thought occurred to me and I pulled back looking down at him. The butterflies in my stomach were flapping and I could mildly feel them trying to work their magic. He responded to my movement and looked up at me.

“What?” He asked.

I gulped, not feeling true nervousness but a ghost of it, “I think I’m going to lose my virginity to you.”

We both didn’t say anything, we both did not move and it was as if time halted for us. The air was still, the only thing traveling through it was our breaths. His eyes shone and reflected the light from above. They scanned my face, all of it before settling back onto my eyes.

“Okay,” he said softly tilting his head back down into my chest. Levi had acknowledged what I had said. I could tell however that he had taken my words and truly processed them into his head. He had engraved them; he would not forget what I said. We held each other tighter than before, and based off the strength of his arms wrapped around me and the subtle change in his muscle pressure I could tell, my words meant a lot to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading as always!! see ya next week :3


	8. "I Fuck Bitches"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Its the weekend and everyone knows what that means (don't be offended by the title, you'll get it soon enough)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did you know i am about 4 chapters ahead of what i am posting right now? lol every time i post the next chapter its weird looking back like 'ahh, i wrote that a few weeks ago' but anywhoo, enough rambling. Feelings are intensified, fun will be had, heartache is inevitable, lets roll!

“What if he’s pissed at me?” I questioned turning to Levi. Somewhere along the way, the drug had come to a slow in my system. It wasn’t blaring anymore, knocking all my emotions off but now it settled. Meaning, I could feel the anticipation increasing in my stomach towards the perplexing situation up ahead of me. We were sitting outside my house inside his truck. I had tried to protest obviously to stay with him but he insisted that I come home. This bond thing really was important to him.

“Will you stop it,” he demanded giving my hand a squeeze. Along the way, when he noticed my disgusting habit of biting my nails under high pressure, he looked to me completely abhorred. He claimed my nervous antics were ‘grossing him the hell out’ and took my hand, but not without a quick lecture about all the dirt and grime located underneath the nails. He was the epitome of a basket case when it came to germs and cleaning. It had worked in keeping me calm until we arrived. “Quit being a chicken shit and go in there and apologize.” His tone was dominating, not to be reasoned with. I looked to the front door, then back to him, then repeated the process all over again.

“Can I at least get some good luck?” I asked turning my body fully to him. He rolled his eyes, sighing.

“Fine,” still holding my hand, he placed his elbow on the armrest separating us and leaned in for a kiss.

“Umm, that’s not what I meant,” I said chastely. He stopped his motion, pulling back a bit eyes reading confusion. “I was thinking maybe you could do something else?” I looked down into my lap, thinking about my cock. It had been days since he last did anything directly to it and I was too damn nervous to ask him for his special mouth treatment again. I figured this was the perfect timing.

His facial expression appeared aghast, like he could not believe what I was saying. He pulled back fully with narrowed eyes, “Eren, are you asking me to suck your dick?” He questioned quite harshly.

I nodded, “Well…yeah.” I put on my best innocent face, wide eyed and dopey. This look worked with Petra and I hope it would work for him. His face went flat, looking at me as if I had completely ruined a moment.

“Get out.” He said simply yet quite malevolently. Judging off the scowl he was giving me and the evil aura I felt rising from behind him, I decided it was best to do what he said. I jumped out of the car as he ordered and made my way for the doorstep. I rang the doorbell, looking back to Levi for support. He simply nodded and as soon as the door began to creak, he shifted into reverse and pulled off. My phone was fast to buzz in my pocket and I looked at it quickly.

_Next time, don’t turn down my kiss you horny little brat._

I couldn’t help but smile as that was his way of saying he liked kissing me. How very like him to not outright voice it though. Still it was good enough for me. For now anyway.

I had expected Mikasa to be the one to answer the door, but that kind of luck was not in my favor. There standing in front of me was a looming Grisha. He was looking down to me, face appearing passive but eyes revealing a quiet fire emitting inside him. “You’re back,” his voice did not sound hopeful nor did it sound anything playful like it had when I first showed up. It was dry, lifeless and flat.

“Yeah…” I admitted extending an arm over to rub at the other. This was more awkward than I thought it would be. I was waiting for him to move so that I could come inside but he remained still, like a wall blocking the entrance.  “Aren’t you going to let me in?”

“No,” he spoke coolly. My eyes bugged, eyebrows creasing towards the center of my face. “You own me an apology.”

The sickening twist of my facial features could not be hidden as I recoiled backward.

“You punched me!” I motioned toward my cheek that was mildly decent as of now thanks to Levi.

“You’d punch someone too if they called you a ‘fucking piece of shit’.” That was the first time I had ever heard Grisha use such foul language. I noted how messed up that was, for a father to hear his seventeen year old son speak like that but never for the son to hear him talk that way. I didn’t want to apologize, in fact this all felt like some sort of demented joke.

_Remember don’t be a smart ass to him. Be ready to grovel._

Levi’s advice from earlier on this night played back in my head. Be nice. Be nice Eren. Forming a circular shape with my lips, I sucked in a vast amount of air and prepared to let my plea be heard.

“I’m sorry,” I said while releasing my breath. It wasn’t genuine, far from it to be frank. In fact, I was sure he could tell how angry I was for him even making me do this. I expected him to close the door as I mentally prepared to call Levi but was taken back when he side stepped, allowing an entrance.

I brought one foot upward, motioning to make a step forward. As soon as my foot hit the inside of the house Grisha spoke in a low, cautionary voice, “Let me make something perfectly clear. As long as you live in this house you will not speak to me that way anymore. There’s going to be some respect around here and damn it, you will abide by these rules.” It sounded odd to me being scolded by a man voice and not a woman’s. I was only used to my mother talking to me this way.

His dark eyes remained fixated on mine and vise versa. There was an undeniable current of tension passing between us, one so strong I was sure it was emitting visible rays. We were not a united family standing strong under this household, we were broken. Shattered into tiny pieces that were scattered in every which direction.

_You need a father figure in your life._

I had thought of my unattained lover and his words that he had passed to me. Was Levi truly correct with this statement? Was it possible for me to have a good life without either of my parents guiding me through it? It didn’t matter, because either way I had agreed to this arraignment for Levi.

I rolled my bottom lip back, catching it in-between my teeth and gave one firm nod of my head downward, “Okay.”

I had stepped into the cold home, turning and closing the door before me. Grisha had already went off down the hall without me, sighing as if he were exhausted. I looked at the clock on my phone; it was about 11:35pm on a weeknight. Well at least tomorrow was Friday. I slid my shoes off and stepped onto the creaking floor heading for Mikasa’s room, the door was closed. I raised my hand, knocking once. No answer. Twice. Nothing.

“She’s not here,” Grisha said from his room, he must’ve been listening to the echo of my knocks. Changing my course, I walked further down the hall and turned the corner leading into his room. I hadn’t seen it when I had first arrived and was taken aback by its contents. On the floor was a pile of clothing I assumed he had spread for the week. But there was no bed. No piece of furniture was laid out for him to sleep on, just a spread of sheets on the hard wooden floor and a lamp. “She seemed upset earlier and I can’t really blame her. She had her friend come pick her up, blonde girl,” he motioned pointing to his hair. “She wasn’t really one for words. They’ve been gone for hours.”

Well shit, I had managed to hurt Mikasa so badly that she high tailed it too, skipping out with Annie. I couldn’t imagine what pain I stung her heart with; after all I did abandon her after we promised to stick together from now on. I was a horrible brother.

“I see.” Another awkward pause, I was at a loss of words. It occurred to me that this was probably the first real conversation I had had with Grisha in my life. Feeling out of place, I began making a shift in my body but stopped, as a question was nagging at the back of my brain. “Why don’t you have a bed?” It was bugging me. Why did he give Mikasa and I beds but nothing for himself? That made absolutely no sense.

He had brought up his right arm, reaching for his face and removed his glasses from them. I watched as he laid down both arms on the device before placing them on the ground. “Why would I buy a bed for myself and make my kids sleep on the hard floor?” I wasn’t sure if he had wanted me to answer that question but he continued on anyway before I had a chance to open my dumb mouth. “Dropping my old house wasn’t as simple as I thought it would be. To put it in short, I only had enough fund to afford two air mattresses after buying everything else for the house. It was either let you both share a bed and take one or just let you have separate beds and chose the floor. I picked the ladder.”

I wasn’t sure what to think. Should I thank him for making such a selfless decision? It’s true that he could’ve easily thrown Mikasa and I in that small bed but he didn’t. Hell, he could’ve had us both sleeping on the floor too but he didn’t. He was sleeping on the floor for us. For us.

“Well I’m going to bed now,” it was the first thing that had popped into my brain to say as I couldn’t think of anything else. Things were just too weird around him and throwing this out was my best escape.

“Goodnight Eren,” he called back to me. I silently thanked God he didn’t try to pull some crap by tossing an ‘I love you’ after that. I don’t know what I would’ve done had those words left his lips. “Wait.” I stopped and looked back at him. He was staring at me, mouth set into a straight line, eyes displaying just how tired he really was. “I’m sorry that I hit you. You were only speaking your mind on how you felt about me and I should have received it better. I would never want to hit my kids…that’s not the kind of man I want you to think of me as.” He stopped and looked downwards into his hands analyzing them. “It won’t happen again.” He had sounded gravely disturbed by his actions earlier. Hearing him talk like this was making me feel a certain type of way. Sympathy at his lack of knowing how to be a father perhaps? I was not sure, but whatever it was I didn’t necessarily like it. It was uncomfortable feeling anything but hostility towards him.

“Goodnight,” I replied back purposely dodging either accepting or declining his apology. It wasn’t necessarily to punish him; I just wasn’t sure which side of myself I wanted to agree with. The angel on my shoulder or the devil.

Finally making it into my room, I closed the door locking it like I always did. My clothes were the first thing to go, as I pulled them off my body. I examined the blood stained white hoodie and thought about how to fix this up before returning it back to Jean. Despite my not really liking him, he was being generous enough to even give me nice clothes. Stripped only to my boxers, I plopped onto my mattress and was quickly reminded of its fragility as it made a loud snap noise at the collision of my body.

I was on my belly, legs dangling off the bed along with my right arm which was now occupied with my phone. I thought of texting Mikasa and apologizing but then decided it would be better to do that in person. Besides, I didn’t want to interrupt whatever her and Annie were up to. “Girl stuff” as she had called it earlier.

Scrolling through my phone, my eyes settled and my thumb hovered over the name. Levi. Should I call him? No, I couldn’t do that, we had never been on the phone with each other before and that was nerve wrecking. What if we had one of those long awkward pauses where neither of us said anything? Yeah no, texting it was. I sat up a bit so I could use both hands and began my typing. ‘Didn’t have to kiss his ass, he let me back in.’ I hit send, and stared at my phone waiting for his reply. Shit, what if he didn’t reply? My phone buzzed along with my heart, as it began beating excitedly and I smiled dopey at the device. He replied.

_Lucky you. If that were me those pretty lips would be doing a lot of ass kissing. And other homo erotic things._

My heart froze and I felt my face and neck start to heat up. I had to be quick in replying, I didn’t want to take too long and bore him. ‘Lol haha.’ hitting send again, I released a breath I didn’t realize I was holding. Why was that the only thing I could think of saying? LAME! Moments later my phone buzzed again.

_Who puts lol and haha next to each other? You’re texting like a nervous sixth grader with a crush. Where’s the little shit I know?_

Ohhh if only he knew. That was exactly how I felt when dealing with him. So I switched it up, relaxing a bit. ‘Levi, your asshole side is showing’. He was quick yet again.

_It’s okay I’m smoking hot remember? I can be an asshole._

I smiled, liking that he was remembering our conversation from earlier. ‘What are you doing tonight?’

_The usual_

I knew what the meant. He was planning on taking those pills in his cabinet and checking out of our world for a while. I grumbled, feeling protective suddenly. ‘Be careful.’ His next reply took a while but when it finally came in, I eased up a bit.

_I will be. Go to bed brat or you’ll be tired during recess tomorrow._

Realizing he would probably never stop with the kid jokes, I accepted it and giggled. I sent him back a quick goodnight and when he didn’t say anything in reply I knew that conversation was done. Lying there on my air mattress, I began to think. I flipped my body over, lying on my back and looked up at the dark ceiling only occasionally lit when a car would pass by shining its lights in my room.

Levi had told me he was depressed but what exactly did that mean? I brought my shattered screen up to my face and did a basic google search of depression and its symptoms. Sadness, irritability, fatigue, sleep disturbances. That would explain his sleeping pills. I wanted to know why though, but I knew it was something that had to be revealed and not asked. I wanted him to feel comfortable opening up to me and forcing was not an option.

I rolled over, grabbing my white headphones and plugged them into my phone and ears, shuffling through music. I was skipping through Pandora when suddenly an unknown calm melody played, catching my attention. I looked to the screen and read it as ‘Magic’ by Coldplay. I hummed along with the catchy tune closing my eyes, watching as vivid memories of Levi’s face floated around my dark vision while the lyrics floated around in my brain.

_Call it magic,_

_When I’m with you,_

_And I just got broken,_

_Broken into two,_

_Still I call it magic,_

_When I’m with you._

A ghost of a smile crossed my face, as I rolled over to my side and nodded off into my own wonderland. I remembered the sensation I felt whenever he touched me, when his lips finally erased that distance between mine and held them. I thought about how my heart flickered all over the place in my chest and just the thought of his name. That night, my dreams were plagued with a certain small man with a scowl that only turned into a blushing smile for me.

 

There was one unanimous rule to high school that everyone around the globe knew, no matter what country you lived in. Be awkward your freshmen year, act like an idiot and laugh at freshmen because you’re a sophomore the next, complain and groan about how you’re ready to be a senior junior year, then senior year you have a big blow out. Today was Friday, and Friday meant different things to those different age groups. To some it meant sleeping in, to others catching up on sleep and homework, for us seniors it meant one thing.

“Parrrrtaaaay!” Connie howled flailing his arms around in the air like those inflatable dancing men. The bell had just rung, dismissing the students for the weekend. Everyone was scattering down the halls like rabid animals, it was amazing what the promise of the weekend could do to some people.

“There’s a party this weekend?” I asked, gripping the strap of my bag that was slung over my shoulder. “At whose house?” I was interested definitely. I needed to unwind after the shitty week I had been having. 

“Reiner’s man, how could you not know? He’s only been broadcasting it all week,” Connie hit back at me giving me an elbow nudge. I wanted to tell him because I hadn’t really been present all week but dropped it.

“What time?” I asked causing Connie to raise an eyebrow and direct a suspicious glance at me. “What?” I questioned, eyebrows creasing.

“So you can show up to a party but not practice…Sasha is going to bite your head off Eren. And believe me, she bites _hard_.” He paused, face going grim. “One time I pissed her off right before sex you know? She was going down on me, opened her mouth and bared her teeth out. I thought it was weird at first but figured she was trying to be kinky so I didn’t say anything. Then she just…she…” he stopped, turning away forcefully shutting his eyes, pain visible in his face. His manliness was not strong enough for him to continue with that story. I didn’t blame him; I would be in hysterics if someone bit my dick too.

“Anyway…” I began slowly making sure we were past the uncomfortable stories. “What time does it start?”

“Eight tonight,” he was splitting his direction from mine as we were in the parking lot now. “Oh and you know the drill, Reiner says ‘bring your hot sister’.” He waved bye to me after mocking Reiner’s vocals and took off to his vehicle. There were days where I wanted to punch Reiner for saying such pig headed things but today was not one of them.

I walked crossing over the parking lot and just barely avoiding being hit by a sophomore named Mina. The empty space I had treaded over to however was not what I had expected. Where was Armin’s car?

“He’s not there you idiot. Staring inst going to make the car suddenly appear,” I turned around recognizing that sour tone. There stood Jean with a sullen look on his face. That was unusual for him, normally he looked smug when talking to me but right now he seemed pensive. What happened to the fire?

“Well duh dipshit,” I said starting up our usual banter. “So if Armin left why are you still here? Shouldn’t you two be frolicking through the fields together singing Disney songs and kissing?” I was being a little shit and I knew it but it couldn’t be helped. This was just me and how I was. And Levi thought he was the asshole.

At the mention of Armin’s name I noticed his face twist uncomfortably, but only for a split second. What the hell was _that_ about? In all the time Jean and Armin had been dating, never once had I seen Jean look this unsettled. And that was saying a lot believe me.

“Look do you need a ride or not?” He asked me jiggling his keys to his own vehicle in his hand. Strange. Armin and Jean always rode to school together. I supposed I could not really turn this offer down seeing as I had no other way to get home.

“Yeah. Thanks.” This was my first car ride alone with Jean and I would make it a point to be the last. He had music by the Arctic Monkeys blaring and stared down the road as if he were in a zone. I could not even hear myself thinking. When we pulled up to the destination, I was immediately confused. This wasn’t my house. It was his driveway we had rolled into, and at this point the word confusion was an understatement.

“Umm Jean?” I began turning in my seat to face him.

“Remember earlier when we made that deal? You had to let me trash talk you and I mentioned I kind of sorta wanted to be your friend?” He was speaking very irregularly; there was no normal flow to his words.

“Yeah…what about it?” What the actual fuck was going on?

He brought his head up and rested it against the back of his seat. I watched as his adam’s apple bobbled in his throat. “Look, I need your help. Invoke the power of friendship and all that bullshit. Me and Armin are going through a rough patch and since you’ve known him the longest, I figured you could tell me how to get things back to normal.”

Now everything was starting to make sense. Jean and Armin were falling and I was willing to bet unlimited amounts of cash that it was Armin who suggesting them riding in separate cars. Yeah it made sense alright; Jean wanted to use me as his trump card.

“What did you do?” I asked genuinely curious. I recalled Armin mentioning Jean and Marco becoming close and him not liking that, but that wasn’t enough reason to kick Jean to the curb. For that, solid evidence would need to be provided. Armin would work this relationship like a court case.

Jean shifted uncomfortably, then reaching into his pocket brought out his phone. He scrolled through it for a small period of time and once he settled on something he flipped the phone to me. And the feeling of absolute dread tingled all the way up from my feet to hairs on the back of my neck.

“Jean, what the actual fuck!?” I screeched reaching out and slapping the phone downward not believing what I had just seen. I don’t know why, but I recoiled away from him, my stomach bubbling from my discomfort. “Is that _real_? Can someone really have a cock that _big_?” I was freaking out, that thing he showed me in the picture was a monster. It was inhuman; no man should have that kind of power in his pants. It simply wasn’t natural. I prayed Levi didn’t have something that massive hanging between his legs otherwise I’d be ripped in two.

Jean, reaching down and picking up his phone, locked the screen and pocketed the device. “I know, I had the same reaction when I first saw it.”

“Who the hell has that horse dick?” I questioned imagining the build of it once again. I shuttered.

“Marco.” Oh. Ohhhh. _Oh._

Wait a second.

“Why do you have a picture of Marco’s wang on your phone?” Suddenly it was starting to make sense why Armin was suspecting them. And with that in mind I was starting to feel enraged, here was my best friend’s boyfriend sitting right next to me practically confessing to cheating.

“He sent it to me obviously. Armin saw it; he was looking right over my shoulder when I opened it.” He stopped then looked me dead in the eyes; it would be a lie to say his fierce leer didn’t creep me out. “Armin may be a little guy, but let me tell you, if you piss him off the cute act is gone. He’s not adorable anymore so much as fucking terrifying.” I processed his words and tried to imagine my friend being that heinous when truly upset. In all the years of our friendship, I had only seen Armin upset in that type of way once and I pitied the poor bastard that evoked such malice out of him again.

“Okay so basically you fucked up. I hope you’re not trying to get me on your side. I totally pick Armin over you. Why are you cheating on him?” I needed an answer now, not that any would be good enough.

“I am not cheating on him! Marco is just a friend.” He defended, my face went dead pan and I snorted unattractively.

“Friends don’t send each other dick pics.” He gritted his teeth at that looking away. “Did he break up with you?”

Jean snapped back to me with a thwarted expression, “No! God, don’t even say things like that. Look he’s just mad and is avoiding me right now. I’m not going to fuck Marco, I swear I won’t. I love Armin and I wouldn’t dream of doing that to him.” He stopped and leaned over to me. “Reiner is throwing a party tonight and I know Armin is going and so is Marco. Tell me what I can do to get him to stop being mad at me. Please Eren,” the plea in his voice was evident when a slight crack occurred. I could tell from his eyes, this guy was serious.

“And if I say no?” I challenged wanting to see how far he would take this.

“You won’t,” he reassured. “Are you forgetting that I know all about you and your junkie boyfriend? If you don’t help me I’ll slip up and tell Armin all about that and then he can unleash the wrath on you,” that condescending smirk I was looking for earlier was back. This guy was playing me, like a chess piece on a board and I could do nothing but be the pawn.

“Fine,” I agreed, not exactly sounding enthused about it. “First we change, and then we go to the party. Everything from there we’ll figure out on the way.”

 

Eight o’ clock, it was time. We both stepped out of the car at the exact moment, even closing the doors together at the same time. We rounded the vehicle, walking side by side as we approached the booming house. I glanced around. Reiner had a really nice house, basically mansion sized and it made no sense why he had so many cars parked up and down the entire street.

“Jeez that idiot,” Jean remarked patting at the cardigan he was wearing. “Did he invite the entire state of Delaware?” I could see from his hands that he was trembling a bit. He really was jumpy about this whole Armin thing. I guess even sassy bitches like him got nervous.

“Hey calm down,” I reached out and touched his hand. “Things will work out, just follow the plan remember?” I forced him to look at me with the intensity of my stare and after a few moments, he finally succumbed to me and nodded his head.

“You’re right, thanks,” I had to admit, appraisal coming from Jean felt rather odd but I wasn’t about to speak on that. Instead, I changed the subject entirely onto a matter I was still fuming over.

“I still don’t understand why I had to wear this,” I said with a curled and disgusted face looking downward at my shirt. It was a tank top, a typical douche bag one and it screamed asshole with the large printed neon words reading ‘I fuck bitches’.  This needed to be burned, I wasn’t a feminist but this was just taking it too far. “Why do you even own this shirt?” I barked toward him. He shrugged,

“It was the only thing clean I had!” Lies, he had better clothes that were decent, I saw them and the smirk he gave me when handing me this piece of shit. He pointed to it, “Sorry, I bought that back when I was trying to pretend to be straight. It seemed macho and tough. Isn’t that what girls like?” This guy had no idea what girls liked, that was evident when his old attempts at Mikasa failed miserably. I could just slap him upside the head for such a stupid thought, but decided against it. Not even knocking, Jean opened up the door and it was as if we were stepping into a whole other world.

Reiner had stepped his game up from past parties. There was loud music blaring throughout the house and people everywhere. Dancing, talking, and drinking from the typical red cups. He even managed to get a fucking strobe light in his living room.

“Yoooo, you guys made it!” The party man himself flagged us down coming over. “Eren, I dig the shirt.” Reiner’s voice slurred and his breath reeked of alcohol. How could he be drunk already at his own party? He was wobbling and when he stumbled sideways Jean moved forward and caught at his arm. “Good pass man!” He was hammered. “Look, the keg is in the kitchen. Everyone’s hype! I’m gonna go find Mikasa and see if she’ll have sex with me.” He stopped and hiccupped. “See ya,” and with that he wobbled away, stumbling over his own footsteps a few times.

“I’m surprised you didn’t punch his dick,” Jean leaned over having to yell in my ear due to the volume of the music. I smirked, crossing my arms.

“Nah. It’ll be funnier when Mikasa rips it off,” that was the truth. I couldn’t wait to see that.

It wasn’t long before we had made our way around the party, grabbing some drinks for ourselves too. We stumbled upon an intense game of beer pong, couple edition. Sasha and Connie versus Christa and Ymir. It was funny how whenever a guy walked by and checked Christa out Ymir would glare before smacking her hand over Christa’s ass possessively.

“You seen Armin yet?” Jean asked me. I shook my head indicating no and watched as his happy expression sunk.

“Oh Jean!” A hand had touched his shoulder and I knew exactly who that tall figure was. Marco Bodtt. “I’m glad you could make it,” he sounded so…adorable. It was hard for me to even try and hate him despite his interference with my best friend’s relationship. He pulled back and looked at Jean, eyeing every single detail. “You look really nice.” He seemed nervous just complimenting him. How could he be this shy in person but have the nerve to send that bold picture?

“T-thanks,” and what was happening to Jean? The look him and Marco were exchanging right now was enigmatic, it was almost as if they had forgotten about everyone else standing in the room but each other. The way both of their bodies had relaxed and yet somehow molded and shaped into each other was not just friends. There was something entirely different going on here. They had undeniable chemistry, possibly more than him and Armin.

“Umm, I was wondering did you want to go somewhere private and talk? It’s pretty loud down here, I can barely hear myself think,” Marco had suggested it, flickering his eyes from the floor up to Jean’s eyes bashfully.

“Well, uhh…” Jean hesitated. Bad move, the worst he could possibly make because right there at that second my field of vision captured him.

“Armin?” I said noticing him walking into the room. To Jean’s bad luck, he looked dead at us, somehow missing everyone else’s presence in the room. His eyes looked betrayed and his face crushed and I watched as his mouth parted slightly at the sight of Jean with Marco. He shut it quickly however, and turned on his heel leaving.

“Oh shit. Armin, wait!” Jean yelled chasing after him completely forgetting about Marco.

“Did I do something wrong?” Marco asked more to himself than me. His face really did look plagued with worry over if he had caused a problem. But that was impossible; he had to know that Jean was in a relationship, everyone knew those two were dating. I was prepared to say something when my phone began buzzing madly in my pocket. I put my red cup down, and replaced in with my phone. It was Levi calling me.

I wasn’t ready to talk on the phone to him yet! And on top of that it was too loud in this house to answer it. Forgetting all about Marco, I rushed out of the room as well scanning the house. Just as Jean had noted earlier the place was packed, people were standing everywhere. I had to find a secluded spot to make my call.

I aimed for the stairs, pushing and squeezing through the people and was pleased to hear the music was not as loud up here. Sadly though, I had missed the call already. I looked down the hall at all the closed doors and aimed for the last one as my place of refuge. I raced in, spinning and shutting the door behind me. And when I cut on the lights, I dropped my already cracked phone at the stupefying sight before me.

There on the bed, completely naked and angling his butt straight up into the air for the other man were Reiner and Bertholdt. Oh. My. God. Upon seeing me, Reiner snapped upward like a cat, all past signs of pleasure gone from his face. He waved a hand drastically at Bertholdt causing the man to bring his head up from Reiner’s ass. Wooooow.

“I-i-i-i-it’s not what it looks like!” Bertholdt stuttered out to me jumping away from Reiner and pulling up his pants. Reiner scattered as well grabbing at his clothes ferociously.

“Soooo you’re not gay and eating out his asshole?” I said pointing a finger between the two. Bertholdt was sweating; like really sweating to the point where I began to wonder how one person could generate so much sweat. Reiner’s face was pulled back into a frozen face of terror. They both remained quiet, Bertholdt sweating mercilessly and Reiner with eyes bulging out of his head. If this were a manga, this would be the moment where three large ellipses would poke up in the background one by one and their souls would come flying out of their bodies. But it wasn’t, it was fucking reality and all there was were dead hums of music in the air and an eerie uncomfortable tone between all of us.

“Eren please,” Reiner stepped forward pleading like a man who was losing everything. “Please don’t tell anyone about this. _Please._ If either of our families found out…” he stopped, biting his lip and looking back to Bertholdt as if transferring a ‘sorry’ to him. 

I didn’t even know what to say. This was a big deal, a _huge_ deal and the secrecy of it was being entrusted to me. I exhaled, bending over to pick up my phone and check the screen. It had been four minutes since I missed the call. “I won’t tell anyone, I promise.”

The ease that overcame both their bodies was evident as they both released out large consumptions of air and were still panting worriedly. They went back to getting dressed again, and had separated as if nothing had just occurred moments ago.

“Thanks Eren, you’re a good friend,” Reiner said walking out of the room with a smiling Bertholdt following after him.

After they were a considerably distance away and I probed my mind of all scarring images, I closed the door and locked it, willing for privacy. I took a deep breath before hitting the call back button and was awarded with an immediate answer. Though, I wasn’t expecting him to sound they way he did when he spoke.

 _“Where are you?”_ He demanded right away. He was clearly irritated with me, it was obvious.

“I’m at a party. Are you okay?” There was something about the erratic manner of his speaking right now that wasn’t right. He didn’t sound calm like he normally did when he was on lithium. He was on edge.

“ _I want you to come over, now.”_

“Levi I literally can’t, I’ve been drinking I can’t—”

“ _I don’t give a shit. Bring your ass over here now or don’t bother coming back.”_ I paused, he was snapping on me, demanding things of me that I physically could not do. What was going on? He was being very irrational and was not thinking of me and my situation at all.

“I can’t,” I repeated not sounding as strong willed as I would’ve hoped. There was a decisive moment, where I could have tried to save myself and offer to ride out there despite being at least forty minutes from him and buzzed. My brain could conjure up nothing, it was done. “I’m sorry, I’m so so so sorry, please don’t be—”

“ _Fine._ ” I heard the phone go dead before a flat tone was coming from the other end. He was not there anymore, he was gone and I could feel his absence growing and leaving a hole within my heart already.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whats going on with Levi? Is Eren really dumped? Why do i feel like an announcer writing this? Tune in next week Tuesday for Torture!!


	9. Panic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we find out what was Levi doing all day without Eren

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and on that day, the readers received a grim reminder that this story is also tagged under eruri

What a shitty fucking day.

My feet felt as heavy as bricks and each step felt as though I was walking against a fucking tidal wave. I was exhausted; work had forced me to exert every muscle fiber inside my body as I had to lift and pull everything in both me and Oulo’s place. I would fucking kill him, I can’t believe that asshole thought it was acceptable to call in sick five minutes before my shift ended. I was supposed to get off at five and now here I am practically crawling into my apartment at nine o fucking clock. _Four_ hours past normal shift, _four_ hours past dead. Murder was the first thing on my to do list.

Well I lied; taking care of this aching body and mind was first. I needed a blunt. I dragged my way in, slamming the door behind me and marched to my room. I slugged my way over to the dresser, squatting and feeling the strenuous ache and scream of torment from my tendons. I tore open the drawer like a frenzied animal. I was flinging around my clothes, scattering them all over growing manic. Where the hell was my stash? I had only bought it last week; it couldn’t all be gone already.

Just then I pulled out a baggie and held it up in front of my face, with a fucking dead expression coming from my soul. Only a portion of the corner was compacted with remnants of my magical herb. I had smoked an entire ounce of weed in _one_ week. Damn, I was a piece of shit. True I had been smoking the good old ganja since high school, but this was ridiculous. At least the other times it had been both Eren and me taking the trip to wonderland, but this was all solo.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t know why I had taken to getting high more, fulfilling the stoner lifestyle. It was almost that day of the year again, tomorrow would bring it. It was scheduled on a Saturday this year. It was going to be pure hell that I would be forced to relive and subconsciously I had been bracing myself for it by getting high at any given moment.  Anything to suppress the memories, those damned images I could not set free from my head. It was like a nightmare.

Popping pills while driving…in the bathroom at work…smoking every chance I could get… I needed to slow the fuck down before I ran out of stuff completely. Lord knows I don’t want to pay shitty glasses a visit for more supply. Not yet, not until I was calm, at a peaceful center. Which usually was only around Eren but I’d rather be stabbed in the gut before admitting that. It was crazy, that kid had managed to slither his away into my life and somehow wrap himself around my fucking ankle. I didn’t even know where to begin with that little shit.

It wasn’t as if this was all my plan, I wasn’t scheming on him at all. I can honestly say I wanted nothing to do with the annoying fucker. I didn’t want to go through the time and the trouble of another relationship; I just wanted to remain trapped in the maze. When he came to me that night at the concert, he couldn’t have picked a bitchier day for me. I had been on edge, and was ready to crush his balls for even trying to talk to me. I had just wanted to be left alone, to wallow in my own fucking misery but he just kept talking. And yapping…and yapping…and before I knew it, he had somehow gotten to me. I thought ‘what the hell, you’ll never see him again tell him your fucking name’ and so I did.

Bumping into him weeks later had been an odd occurrence as I totally had not seen that shit coming. I lied, telling him I didn’t remember his name but who could forget about someone with such captivating eyes? No one would. And if they said otherwise they were _lying._ I would find myself getting lost staring into them, sometimes ignoring everything flapping out his mouth just because I had drifted that far into the galaxy that kid had in his fucking eyes. It was truly an experience, especially when high.

 How ironic though, Eren was always going on and on about how he hated cigarettes when I smoked around him, but it wasn’t the carcinogens I had been inhaling. It was him, I could feel him flowing through me, traveling through my bloodstream and call me cheesy as a motherfucker but I was starting to form an addiction.

I actually _liked_ having him around. I actually _enjoyed_ our conversations. I hadn’t been joking when I had said I hated a lot of things, but with this kid something was just different. Yeah, I guess I had a soft spot for him and those gorgeous oceanic bluish green eyes that looked to me with such adoration and puppy love. God it was intoxicating. I won’t lie and say some bullshit like ‘being with him makes me forget about my depression. Sugar and rainbows blah blah blah’ but yet his presence was enough to bring a small ray of light down upon me through the thick grey clouds in my head.

Then again though, what good did relying on others to help cure me do in the past? Not a damn thing. What happened the last time I gave my beating heart over to another man? He fucking ripped it out and squeezed the life from it. What was the point of liking things when that lead to loving things and then having those things abandon you? It leaves you stripped, torn open and exposed for everyone to see your vulnerability and the weak person you really are. People can see the shame you have, they can see that you’ve been fucked over by someone and _that_ fucking stings. So with that being said,

What was the point of liking Eren Jaeger?

“Probably not a damn fucking thing!” I huffed out angrily, dropping the useless baggie and slamming the dresser drawer shut with my full strength. I stood, feeling washed out and absolutely pathetic and ignored the rumbling my dresser was making from my forceful actions. I had only stepped a few paces away when I heard the crash. It was glass. Glass. Have you ever heard fucking glass shatter? It has a distinct high pitched frequency that the ears catch quickly, and it travels all the way up to the brain sending the message that it was glass. Oh God, why did it have to be glass?

My body felt cold, sucked of all body heat that once radiated and replaced with ice. That sound…it was too familiar. From a time that I willed my brain to eradicate from its memory filter every single fucking day. I stood still, taking deep breaths like _he_ used to tell me to do. Step one: Realize what is happening and try to accept it. I needed to calm down…I _had_ to calm the fuck down before this escalated into something worse.

But still, what was on the floor could not be left there. Slowly, I turned on the heel of my right foot, rotating, and stopped looking down at the broken shards scattered across my floor. Sucking in a shallow breath, I stepped forward tip toeing through all the sharp pieces of shit until I reached the source of the problem. It was a frame…a picture frame lying downside covering the photo. This was impossible. I thought I cleared the pictures out of this places months ago. There was nothing worth looking back to in my shit life. So what the absolute hell was this doing here?

I bent, still feeling the throb in my body, and lifted the destroyed content out of the frame and flipped it over. My heart throbbed louder and harder than usual feeling as it were trying to break free of my chest. My eyes widened, pupils dilating, zoning in, focusing on the three of us, dissecting—

_“C’mooooon, I don’t want to go home yet. Let’s go do something fun!”_

_“Isabel you’re trashed and I’m not letting you in my car. You’ll throw up all over the place!”_

Oh my God _no._ No no no no no.

_“Shut up Farlan it’s not even your car! Can’t we go Levi? Please please please pleeeassse?”_

_“Yass give me the keys I’ll drive.”_

No. I did _not_ want to remember this.

_“Levi you’re wasted. Let me—_

And just as quickly as the visuals had come, they had vanished, everything was muted. The back of my eyelids had once again gone dark, allowing me some piece of mind. My brain went blank, pitch black as the memories had suddenly stopped playing, but it was too good to be true. I would not be able to outrun this crash, this horrible mistake of my past.

_“Levi look out!”_

A loud screeching of tires rang in my ears, burning rubber against the gritty road beneath us no doubt leaving tracks. Isabel’s blood curdling scream, Farlan rapidly praying for somebody, anybody to save him. The impact, the feeling of a sledgehammer being slammed into my back, a flash of red strands of silk hair flowing across my eyes. The sound of glass shattering, splitting then bursting into tiny pieces and shooting everywhere cutting tiny gashes through my face. Glass. Silence.

I clutched at my fucking chest, gasping for air as if I had come back to the surface after a swim. It wasn’t over; no that was just the beginning. My lungs felt as though they were being squeezed, like someone was holding them in their hands and steadily applying pressure. My mind was murky; I couldn’t keep my brain on one solid thought no matter how hard I willed my body to fight against this bullshit. My heart was racing, going at speeds that seemed irrational and my body had checked out saying a ‘fuck you’ to me before I fell over, dropping the old photograph. I was full blown in the state now, time for step two. Let it pass.

I was terrified, no matter how many of these damn attacks I had, each one felt as real as the first. I was falling off and I didn’t have anyone with me. No, I needed someone, I couldn’t do this alone. I _hated_ going through this alone. I need him to be here.

With a shaky hand and harsh breathing, I called and was pissed that he didn’t answer. I lay there, feeling my sanity slipping when finally he called back. I answered, almost dropping it as my palms were sweaty, “Where are you?” I knew I was being an asshole but fuck it, this wasn’t a time for pleasantries, I was having a fucking panic attack. I listened, half in and out as Eren fiddled around with an answer. The indecisive little shit, this wasn’t a question it was a command. I felt like I was dying, I _thought_ I was dying and being alone only intensified these fears. He had to come. Hearing his response after giving him two choices however, was enough to pause the erratic beating of my heart.

“Fine.” I hung up as fast as I could. Fuck him. The one time I needed him and he couldn’t make it. Fuck him. But still I couldn’t face this alone. I would take anybody at this point.

And somehow through all the craze and dementia my mind was whirling through, I dialed his number off memory and demanded the same from him. No arguments, no questions, just a swift yes and he was on his way. How ironic that this is when he chose to be reliable of all times.

 

I know with some people, feeling like poop after a panic attack was normal but for me it was intensified. I felt like absolute shit. Hell, I _looked_ like absolute shit. I was lying on my back on the couch in the living room. Sweat drenched clothes still sticking to my body. Gross. With what strength I had left, I tried sitting up, shaking on my elbow as I used it for support.

“Can’t you sit still for five minutes?” He called to me, from the kitchen holding a wet washcloth. I watched as the muscles in his forearms flexed with the action as his sleeves were rolled up. Damn him and that perfect body tone depicted like a Greek God. I watched him, the way a cat watches a mouse as he walked across the room to me bringing the cloth. He lowered himself next to me, placing a hand on my chest to ease me back down gently. I huffed closing my eyes.

“Fuck you mom,” he placed the cloth on my forehead, pushing back my hair. I felt the couch vibrate, and I peeped open an eye to see him smiling down at me.

“Levi,” Erwin said with affection evident in his voice. “Still vulgar as ever I see.”

“You’re a damn fool if you thought that would ever change.” I retaliated, raising my chin to him a bit. He laughed again, melodically pleasing to my ears. It just wasn’t right for one man to be so beautiful, it was a crime. “No but seriously, thanks for coming.” I had meant it. If anyone knew me best it would probably be Erwin Smith. He knew the way I was when I was going through an attack, he knew the things I had done, what I still do. But he didn’t _understand_ it. I doubted I would ever find someone who would get my fucked up head.

He brought up a hand, gracefully waving my thanks off. “If it’s for you, I’ll always come running.” What the fuck was this, a Disney movie? Was he looking at me like I was a princess that needed to be saved and him the prince? Well, it was like that actually in this context. Let me shut up. “That was one of the worst I’ve seen you have,” he was referring to the panic attack. He was looking at me intently; I could see my horrible reflection through the blue pools of his eyes. My beautiful ‘baby blue’ as I used to refer to them. But that was then, this is now. “It’s because of tomorrow isn’t it?”

Of course it was because of fucking tomorrow. The anniversary. The pain staking day that just had to come every year. A constant dispiriting reminder.

“Can we not get into that? I’d rather not go back into convulsing all over my clean floor,” witty sarcasm, it was my only defense. I was not willing to expose myself as openly as I had in the past to him. It was difficult, when you’re used to being with someone for so long and having no walls between the two of you, it’s hard to suddenly wear a mask in front of them. 

Erwin’s eyes didn’t leave mine, but I could see the forming scowl molding, starting with his lips. He had too beautiful of a face to make those kinds of expressions. “Levi, if you were going to be alone why didn’t you call me? I would have dropped work in a heartbeat for something like this,” he sounded disappointed, almost hurt that I didn’t.

“Well I just did didn’t I?” I snapped back at him, sitting upward causing the cloth he applied to fall.

His face was grim, eyes narrowing, “That doesn’t count. You don’t even want me to be here right now, that much I can tell. You always thought that just because your face didn’t openly display emotion you were unreadable. You’re not.” I fucking hated that. He was always so keen to what I was feeling even if I never voiced it. Whenever he was around, it was as if he became the teacher and I the wide eyed student. I was the one admiring the fuck out of him giving him the puppy love eyes. I was the way Eren was with me to him.

I looked away, breaking the pathway into my soul I was giving him. He didn’t need to see that, all the crazy shit inside there. Then I felt a hand reach out, lightly grasping my chin and turning my head back. I had no choice but to stare into those baby blues. “Why are you trying so hard to shut me out?” He could tell, he could fucking see how hard this was for me. I couldn’t take this anymore, it was maddening.

“Don’t say things when you really don’t mean them,” I said knocking his hand away. He cocked in head backward, eyebrows furrowing together.

“What?” That statement had been out of the blue, but it was what I was thinking. He had been thrown off guard however, and I went on to explain my accusation.

“I mean don’t come over here saying shit like how’d you’d drop work for me. You’re trying to reel me back in. Don’t throw the fish line out and try to get me to bite. I’m not taking the fucking bait.” This was not what I needed. I didn’t want him here to say sweet things to me; I couldn’t fall back into that. It was clear those days were over, despite how much I would give to have them back.

He reeled back, glancing all over my face before finally settling on a conclusion, “You’re being completely irrational.” No the fuck I wasn’t. “I thought we agreed to staying friends. Friends call each other; they depend upon one another and put each other first. They lean on each other for support and I was just trying to show you that you can lean on me.” That was it; I couldn’t handle this bullshit anymore. I stood up quickly, catching him off guard with my sudden movement.

“I don’t want to “lean” on you, you fucking idiot! I want to _grind_ on you,” if the confession of my feelings had dumfounded him, he didn’t show it. His face remained cool as ever, he just sat back and absorbed what I had to say. “ _You_ were the one who suggested that friendship crap, actually you threw it in my face and didn’t give me a chance to give you a proper ‘fuck you’ before you walked out. I told you when we first got together that if anything happened that would pull us apart; I didn’t want to be friends. I _warned_ you. Being friends with an ex is one of the stupidest fucking things to ever exist because it’s not possible!”

I paused, feeling true aggravation flooding through my fucking veins, “I’m not like you, I can’t just cast away everything that we’ve been through and pretend to turn off a switch in my head for romantic feelings. Every time you come around, I hope and pray that somehow we’ll end up back in each other’s arms only to be fucking disappointed. That hurts like a motherfucker. Whenever you send me little text messages, my brain goes into overload and I can’t help but get mixed messages.” I paused reaching down and picking up the cloth he had placed on my head. “ _This_ is a mixed message, everything, and you being here right now.” I shut my lips, remembering what Eren had told me in the car about Erwin and felt my top lip quiver; I willed it to return back to straight. “Each day I pine, sitting here wasting my time being hung up on someone who doesn’t even love me back while you move on happily. To high school students I hear. It’s hard for me to even try and hold another relationship because the second I catch interest I remember your fucking face and then I blow it off.” I stopped and stared down at him with unyielding eyes, not daring to turn them away this time. If he wanted to look into my soul through them then fine, fucking do it. Then maybe he would begin to understand how I felt.

He sat still, back straight as a board. I noticed the fiercer I had gotten, the more his body straightened out. I had remembered, the tighter his back went the more attentive he got. I heard a low mumble come from his throat, but he wouldn’t look away. No, instead he stood up, towering over me like a fucking tree. I crossed my arms, looking up at him, so far up my neck was strained. It had been too long since I had done this action. We were close, the tips of our toes touching in our stances.

“What makes you think I don’t love you back?” I guess it was his turn to throw me off. What kind of stupid question was that? He knew damn well why I thought that.

“You never came,” I began softly, feeling myself come undone. “I gave you that ultimatum, show up to the concert. All you had to do was walk into that door with me and that would have been enough. I would have known, but you didn’t. You left me behind in the dark, by myself,” and that was when Eren found me. That was when I gave the kid the spare ticket I had. That ticket was not just a piece of dead tree; it was my hopes, which had been crushed on that night. 

“To be fair Levi we had been falling for a long time before you threw that on me. And not to mention, what gave you the impression that giving me an ultimatum was wise? You can’t just tell someone to either show up and stay with you or don’t and disappear from your life. That’s childish, and we left the playground years ago.” I hadn’t thought my actions were childish in the least. Making ultimatums was efficient, make someone pick between two different options and by instinct they’d automatically pick the better one first. Like Eren, he made the wrong one. Fuck both of these men.

“It was simple, either show up or don’t! You didn’t and that showed me exactly how you felt,” I was running my mouth, going off on him. This entire time Erwin had been calm, taking my frustration. But at that last accusation, he had had enough.

“No, no you don’t know a _thing_ about how I feel,” his tone had gone dangerously low, and suddenly his towering presence over me became unbearable, smothering. “Do you have any idea what it’s like to love someone so much and to watch them destroy themselves every single day?” I only stared back at his fanatical gaze, unable to form words. “It’s hell. Pure and agonizing hell. You think it was easy walking away from you, from _us_?” He stepped back and motioned his hands between us both. “I swear, you think you’re the only one who suffered throughout this whole thing but what about me? What about the times when I came home and saw you passed out on the floor, with dinner smearing across your chest? What about the time when you were so strung out, you tried to steal money from me?”

“I don’t do those kinds of drugs anymore,” I cut him off, voice barely reaching a high enough volume. I had forgotten. I had honestly forgotten about those fucking times, probably some of the worst in my life. Erwin was not convinced.

“Don’t lie to me. When you were passed out I saw your medicine cabinet, all those pills… you may have left the hardcore things behind but you haven’t abandoned the others. You’re an addict.”

He couldn’t have been more spot on, it was fucking true. I was a drug abuser; I had known it and acknowledged it for some time now. I had told him I was fucked up in the beginning, when he approached me I made sure to make it fucking clear to him but he still wanted me. He still wanted me.

“You don’t want me anymore…” I said more to myself than to him. The hard expression softened, leaving his features as it grew more sympathetic.

“It’s not that I don’t want you,” he said bringing out an arm, reaching for mine. He grasped it, gently tugging me closer to him, “I don’t want the drugs. It doesn’t have to be this way Levi.”

But it did. It always would. Without them, what else was I supposed to do? The demons trapped inside my brain would be let loose if I didn’t have something to fall back on. Something to silence them with. I had no other method, there was no other choice. He looked down upon me; I could see the sorrow in his eyes. We were so fucked up. Everything about us was fucked up. But if that was true why did I want it so much? Why couldn’t I pull away from him?

“Sometimes when you love someone, the best thing to do is to let them go. I can’t go back to that kind of relationship again; the constant fear of not knowing whether or not you’ll be alive when I walk in the door is maddening. Levi, I love you dearly, and without a doubt you are the greatest love I’ve had in my life. I think you always will be. I would do anything for you if you asked but this,” he used a finger to point between us, “Is not meant to be. Our time has passed and it’s time for you to accept that truth.”

Accept it? How could I? The man that I wanted to spend my entire fucking life with was standing right in front of me and was still out of my reach. I had put him through too much; I had destroyed what little happiness I had with him. I ruined everything I touched. Something wet escaped, trailing down the right side of my face and making a loud contact with the carpeted floor. Erwin tilted his head and brought a hand up, wiping the stray tear track off my face. “You have to move on. Find someone better than me, but not too much better. I don’t want to get jealous.” Air escaped my nose and my lips moved to form a smile but failed. Damn this man and his corny sense of humor at the wrong moments. It was so annoying, and yet it was something I loved about him.

“I’ll try,” I said dipping my head lower with the words. Then, I brought my hands up, gripping his shirt and knotting it into my hands tightly. “Just one last time,” I whispered out tugging down on his shirt to pull him down. He was coming lower, bending his back to mold closer into me.

“This...” his lips were hovering just above mine. What an odd moment to have a sudden thought, but Eren popped up into my head. His smile, his wild brown hair, those eyes. Maybe he was my future, but for now I wanted to drown in the past. I’m sorry Eren. “Will be the last time,” his lips were parted and I placed mine upon his, expanding them open as well. The release of breath we both gave out said one thing, we both wanted this, we craved for it. Our kiss was fragile at first, calculating as we had to remember the feel of each other, but once that was over the delicacy was gone.

The kiss became harsh, both of us ferociously attacking the other. My feet acted of their own, springing me on my tippy toes and my arms instinctively wrapped behind his neck. They know this body well, there’s nothing new to it. Out tongues are lapping over one another, I catch his in my mouth and suck on it before biting at the tip, just like I knew he loved it. He moaned, responding back by slipping his hand into my pants and gripping my ass tight as fuck. I whimpered at his touch, arching into him.

“How do you want it?” He asked panting in my ear already, as arousal flooded through him. I’d be fucking lying if I said I wasn’t horny as hell too.

“Rough,” I replied back huskily returning back to his lips. Immediately, he used all that muscle strength and whisked me off my feet and I wrapped my legs around his waist automatically, holding onto him as if he were life itself. We were kissing, wildly like fucking animals and I grew excited at the feeling of the wall against my back. He pressed his knees against the wall using that as support to keep me up, our lips never breaking apart once. He pulls back, lifting my shirt over my head and tossing it aside, I don’t even give a fuck. I pry my fingers away from his hair and do the same, getting rid of the annoying cloth covering those glorious abs. It should be a crime to hide a body so perfect.

He’s attacking my neck now, kissing, biting, sucking, hard, just the way I like it and all I can do is claw at his back while he swirls wet patterns on me. I’m losing myself, mind becoming shrouded just by the mere touch of him, but his next move snaps me back into reality.

“Ahh,” I moan out, his knee is between my legs now. The sweet, delicious friction he’s creating, massaging my groin effortlessly while still working on my neck. This man was an excellent multitasker. But then again, so was I. Panting like a school girl, I leaned forward, my hands going to his pants. I unbuttoned them, pushing my way inside until I found what I wanted.

“Shit,” he breathed out resting his head in the grove of my neck. I had grabbed his cock with both hands, and wrapped my fingers around it. Thicker than Eren’s definitely, but essentially still the same thing. I began slowly, teasing, using both hands massaging in different directions, still using an up and down motion. I wanted him to beg for me, his choked whines told me he wanted more. I went to work, moving fast, not sparing him in the least. “Mhhh..” he groaned, shaking a bit before biting hard on my neck. This was the best damn hand job and I knew it. He had told me. The more intense I got, the harder he grinded his knee onto my cock. I can feel my pre cum beginning to slip out and played with his in between my fingers. I pull back, causing him to lift up at look at me through hazy eyes.

I separate my two fingers, the clear liquid spreading like a string between them, then I direct the fingers to my mouth and swirl them all around. Nothing was left behind; I would eat this man up if he ever let me. I removed my fingers and looked to his eyes. They were on fire, erupting with lust. He comes forward, crashing his lips back onto mine sucking up what little I had just spread in my mouth. He removes his knee from in between my legs, and I unwrap myself off him coming down, turning his body so now he’s leaning against the wall. I trail kisses down his torso, once I’m above the top of his pants line I come back up giving one long lick, moving to bit on his nipples causing him to arch into me. I lower myself yet again, reaching the hem of his pants.

Face first in his groin, I hook my fingers over his pants and viciously pull the clothing down, watching it and his boxers fall around his ankles. I was staring his hard on cock in the face. If there was one thing I could honestly say I was good at, it was fellatio, or to put it blunt, sucking dicks.

I gripped the shaft, giving two long strokes to start out with, a pregame as I called it. Then I got down to fucking business, I started from the base and licked all the way up, flicking my tongue over the slit on the tip causing him to hiss. Then I swallowed the whole fucking thing.

“Oh Christ,” Erwin moaned, knees bucking a bit. I was sucking, slurping, swirling my tongue away like a monster. Sucking dick really was a hobby. He threw his head back, crying out. My head was bobbing in a fluid motion, spit falling out of the corners of my mouth, his cock was completely slobbered over, making my motions slick and easy. He tries to wiggle away, he can’t help it, but my head follows and delivers a furry of tongue rolls for punishment. “Fuck!” He gasps out, breathing heavily. He was starting to spasm, his hands found their way into my hair, gripping tightly as he thrust his dick further into my mouth. I gagged a bit, and that excited him because he went harder. Fucking my face with a heated tenacity, I allowed him to as I was getting just as much pleasure from doing this. “Alright Levi,” he breathed out removing his hands, “S-stop, I’m about to cum.”

“Nnnnn,” I responded, mouth full of dick. That was me saying no. His head was back against the wall and he was biting at his lip, trying so hard to calm down. Not on my fucking watch. I picked up pace, going faster, throwing the cock as far back into my throat as I could.

“Oh God,” he cried out, a twitch in his dick told me it was coming. Warm cream filled my mouth, and I released him from me a bit, taking time to swallow it all up. I didn’t want a trace of that left. Still trembling, he slid down the wall, breathing irregularly the entire way, before he was sitting, eyes level with me. “You filthy whore,” he panted crawling forward and kissing me, tongue breaking into my mouth licking up all that was left of his seed. The force of his body overpowered mine, as I was now on my back with him on top of me. He kissed down my neck, then down my body, leaving a fire on my skin. It was no surprise, when he was yanking away at my pants pulling them off with haste.

Unlike most men who went soft after they came, Erwin was different. After experiencing release, he went harder; he needed that first before he could give you a proper fuck. He gripped my hips, pulling me closer, then slid his way in between my legs. “Put your leg on my shoulder,” I obeyed, if anyone, I would gladly be his bitch. I allowed him to grab my ankle and guide my leg over easily. Cock still drenched in my saliva, he didn’t need any lube for this probing. He positioned himself steadily, then pushed himself in causing my back to arch accordingly.

“Tell me how it feels,” He demanded gruffly, grinding into me with a striking rhythm causing me to whimper and whine.

“So…fucking…good!” I wailed out causing him to reward me with a forceful thrust making me wiggle underneath him.

My senses were all fucking aware, my hips shuttering uncontrollably. He was pumping, rocking those hips into me. No, slamming into me time and time again leaving me a panting, cross eyed mess. “Erwin…agh! H-harder,” make it fucking painful, etch the pain into me. I wanted to remember this, the last of him I would ever have. He obeyed, slapping his skin against mine causing my body to convulse outrageously. “Fuck,” I whined high pitched as he hit my sensitive spot, causing a pleasurable tingle to travel through my body rendering me paralyzed for a fraction of time. The tip of his dick was rubbing at my spot, but I needed more. I got up, and positioned myself on all fours. “Take me from behind,” I had my legs spread accordingly, practically wiggling my ass in the air waiting for him to dominate it.  I was sweating, panting. “Please,” I was begging. Erwin was the only man to make me beg for anything and he was fucking loving it.

He smirked, angling my ass to his preference before deep thrusting into me, the sheer force almost knocking me over. “Shit!” I was panting, listening as his wet skin smacked against mine repeatedly. “Oh my fucking God,” I whimpered drowning in him; he slapped my ass, gripping it causing my knees to quiver. He slid that hand off my ass, bringing it forward and wrapping it around my dick, beating at it with serious intensions. I still needed more.

“Damn Levi,” he moaned out as I caught up with his rhythm, backing my ass up onto his dick. He didn’t even have to thrust anymore, I needed a fucking from him and I would take it any way I could get it. I was pounding myself onto him, with him still slapping into me hitting my spot every single time and stroking my cock.

“Ahh Er…win…,” I moaned out, “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t,” and I really couldn’t. I came, spilling all onto my nice white carpet, making it filthy. Just moments later, I felt the familiar warmth radiating from my ass and knew what that meant. He had bust a nut inside me. Erwin, clearly out of breath as well, pulled himself out of me, having cum a second time and fell over beside me. We lay there on the floor completely out of breath; I moved closer snuggling onto his chest.

“Erwin?” I called to him, face against his sweaty chest.

“Hmm?” He hummed out. Anyone else would say something sweet, pillow talk as most people called it. Not me, I was the abnormal one of the bunch; I was going to speak my fucking mind.

“You’re cleaning up my fucking floor.”

 

I lied. He lied. We both lied. We said that would be the last time we fucked but yet here we were on our sixth round in my bed. Me on top of him, grinding my ass all on that cock, letting myself go completely. His nails were buried into my hips, digging deeper and that only excited me to keep this up. “L-Levi… oh my _god_ ,” he cried out when I switched it up throwing in a swirl of my hips. The headboard of the bed was beating into the wall, slapping against it with the rhythm I had created. I loved riding the dick; it always put me in power and made the person I was on my bitch. Right now, Erwin was completely under my control.

I bit back on my lip, feeling the wave of immense pleasure coming over me and I knew he was almost at his limit too. With one final rock of my hips, my toes curled, locking into place. Hot semen spilled from my cock onto this chest. I felt him twitch below me before he suddenly thrust his hips upward causing me to wail before he marked me with his cum yet again. Dazed, and feeling euphoric I slumped forward, falling but catching myself on my hands. The both of us were exhausted; we had nothing left in us. We literally had fucked until we couldn’t move anymore.

“Sorry,” I huffed out referring to the mess I made on his chest. He was breathing heavily, and he looked down to it as if he hadn’t noticed it there before.

“Don’t apologize,” he managed to say sitting forward to grab at the towel I threw on the bed. It was quick and efficient for cleaning. I watched as he wiped it off himself before he leaned forward, placing a chaste kiss on my lips. “Come on, let me clean you up too,” he suggested. To my disappointment, I sat up moaning slightly at the sensation of his cock sliding out of me. I plopped on my stomach and lay there as he spread my ass cheeks cleaning off the white sticky substance.

“I haven’t been fucked like that in a while,” I said burying my head into the sheets. He laughed lightly, still cleaning.

“I wasn’t holding back,” he admitted sounding amused. “And neither were you.” True, when it came to fucking I would never hold back. God I loved sex, any and all kinds. Even though I was sure this would be the best sex I would ever have in my life, it couldn’t replace the love that was missing.

“Erwin,” I called to him, head still in the sheets.

“Hmm?” He called back. There was a silence in the room now, but this time not awkward, comfortable.

“What’s going to happen to us now?” It had been on my mind, and each time it came up during sex I erased it out by fucking him harder. But now as I lay crippled and worn out, I had no other choice but to think about it.

“We stay friends,” he said simply. I could tell by his voice he didn’t even believe that.

“Bullshit,” I said flatly, turning my head so one cheek lay on the bed.

“I know,” he began discarding the towel and lying next to me, arm slung over me holding. I shifted so my back would be against his chest as we spooned. “I guess this is the part where I leave. I say my goodbyes; smother you with kisses telling you how much I love you. Then I walk out the door and never come back.” I cringed at the thought.

“I’m not ready for that,” I told him, holding his arm tight against me.

“You have to be,” he said placing a kiss on my shoulder. “You don’t need me anymore Levi; you’re not the same person. You’ve actually matured a lot.” I rolled partially, looking up into his eyes, my sweet baby blues.

“You called me childish earlier,” I said causing his chest to rumble against me as he laughed.

“Sorry, must be because of the height.” That earned him a swift fucking punch in the arm. He rubbed at his arm easing it before returning back to his grim self and speaking, “In all honesty you do need to stop giving people ultimatums Levi. All that does is push someone away and it’s not fair, you have to give someone a fighting chance.” All I could see were oceanic blue fill my vision at the mention of this and a pile of guilt cloud my heart. I had given Eren one earlier, casting him out. I was fucking us up already. “I’m sure that the new guy will come along and sweep you off your feet without you even noticing. It hurts to say but, eventually you’ll forget about me and start living again, happily with him. Hopefully someone who does a much better job at handling you than me.”

His words were pulling at my damn heart strings, could this really happen? Would I ever truly want to forget about Erwin and everything we had together? I didn’t know, I didn’t have those answers yet. But thinking about those puppy eyes always looking to me and following me around…it was a possibility. Eren was very accepting of my lifestyle, even joining in on it. But at the end of the day, was that okay?

Erwin, giving me one last kiss, stood up from the bed finding his clothing and putting it back on. “By the way, you said something earlier about me and high school boys. Where did you hear that information?” I turned my head looking to him, watching as he buttoned up his shirt hiding those gorgeous fucking abs.

“The new guy that just might take your place,” Erwin stopped from zipping up his jeans, looking up to me, my words registering in his brain.

“He exists already?” He asked dumbfounded. I nodded.

“He says you looked like you wanted to fuck his best friend, Armin.” I watched as his eyes went upward, searching his brain for recognition of that name. “Also, that he wants to chop your balls off,” I added for my own sick amusement. I saw the exact moment when it clocked into his head.

“Your new guy is Eren Jaeger? You do realize he’s in high school still right?” He said as if it was unbelievable that I chose him. I sat upward a bit resting my head on my knuckles.

“You’re one to talk.” He looked back at me and hummed a flat tone.

“I don’t even know if I’m going to be serious about Armin Arlert yet. I honestly haven’t given it much thought.” He admitted resting a hand on his hip. “Be careful with that boy Levi. He’s unstable; I’m working on his case right now about—”

“I know,” I cut him off to his dissatisfaction.

“He’s vulnerable right now, looking for anything to center that rage towards. If you’re serious about him, you’d better watch him. Don’t make me have to step in,” I knew he was referring to the kind of work he did. Of course, like a fucking white knight he would swoop down and crush all evil in the city of Milford, he was our own private Batman. Hip-hip hooray with a confetti parade for detective Erwin Smith.

“Thanks for the relationship advice,” I said rather dryly.

“Anytime. Are you going to be okay today? I can stay the rest of the day if you need me to.”

“I’ll be fine,” I lied, I had no idea how I was going to drag my way out of insanity today.

I knew he wanted to protest, but for whatever reason he decided against it. He walked out of the room and me, still being unable to move my body, looked to the clock. It was six in the morning; we had been going at it all night. Damn. It was hard to believe that this truly was the final time we would be together in any sexual kind of way. I knew I would miss it. But maybe in some fucked up sort of way, Erwin was right, I wasn’t the same person anymore. Maybe it was time to get him out of my system, maybe it was time to really let someone else in.

As Erwin escorted himself out of my apartment, I couldn’t help but wonder about Eren, and if he could even keep up with my sex drive. I’d teach him when that time came. Although, I couldn’t help but wonder when it was Eren would give that virginity over to me.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dont be upset with the erui guys, remember this is an ereri story with sidelines of other pairings. See you next Tuesday ;)


	10. A New Start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let it begin

It should be a fucking crime to knock on anyone’s door before the afternoon hours. Currently someone was beating the hell out of my front door. I grumbled smashing my face into the pillow wishing they would go the fuck away.

_BANG BANG BANG_

I looked over at the clock and saw only an hour had passed since Erwin had left. Who the fuck knocks on someone’s door at seven in the morning on a Saturday? Were they trying to end up on my shit list? Groggily moaning, I slithered off the bed throwing on some sweat pants but remaining shirtless.  I was on my feet now for the first time since the fiasco with Erwin; I could sense the strain in my legs and hips. Damn, he really went to work on my ass, my hips were desecrated. Using the wall for support, I clawed my way over slowly to the door.

Bitches were going to die today, as I was sure it was those damn Jehovah Witnesses. They picked the wrong day to mess with me, hearing them preach was the last thing I wanted on this dreadful day. I thought about all the dramatic ways I could murder them in my head, and flung the door open with murderous intent. I wasn’t prepared for who really was standing there.

“Eren?” He looked like shit, I’m not kidding. His hair was a sloppy mess, all sections pointing in different directions, bags underneath his eyes displaying his restlessness. They were red, veins visible and irritated. His clothes were hanging oddly off his body and I read his shirt immediately wanting to slap him. ‘I fuck bitches’…it was hard to believe he was popular in school, it really was. “What the hell are you doing here?” I was completely confused even though I should have been relieved. I told the brat to stay away and yet here he was anyway beating on my door like the fucking police.

He rushed inside, walking right past me. “I came as soon as I could.” He sounded out of breath. To my absolute horror, he had walked onto my carpet with his shoes on. Who did this fucker think he was? I would have kicked his face in but the sporadic way he was talking kept me from doing so. “I’m so sorry, I’m late, I was all the way on the other side of town at that stupid party at Reiner’s. And Reiner is gay! Reiner is totally freakin’ full blown gay,” Who the fuck was Reiner? “I don’t even know who the hell dropped me off! Jean ditched me to go have make up sex with Armin, I just ran to the first person who woke up and had them take me over here! I didn’t even have a change of clothes!” He was flailing his arms around, moving in vicious circles tracking outside germs onto my sweet floor. I had no idea how to comprehend this sight in front of me.

“Eren calm the fuck down,” I demanded, shutting my front door and walking over towards him. I placed a hand on his shoulder, expecting that to get him to shut up. Usually whenever I touched him, he became completely submissive and gave me total control. “It’s okay—”

“No it’s not!” To my complete and absolute astonishment, he raised a hand and slapped mine away from him, breaking our contact. I looked to my hand, feeling my eyes widen. _That_ was something I would have never expected him to do in a million fucking years. _He_ was silencing _me._ “It’s not fucking okay!” He recoiled away from me, and proceeded to shout. “Last night you called me, ordering me to come over here and be with you, I told you I had been drinking and you didn’t care. You didn’t care a single bit, you just told me to get behind the wheel and endanger myself anyway. You didn’t take one second to think about my life and the trouble that would have caused me.” His voice began trembling; I could tell he was trying to hold back a much more powerful, explosive temperament. Shit, I really had fucked up. And just the thought of drunk driving and what I had almost asked him to do…I was a fucking disgusting human being.

“And then, you gave me that bullshit choice. You didn’t even give me a real chance! I told you sorry, I apologized to you so many times and at least a thousand times over and over in my head but it wasn’t enough. You didn’t listen. You just dropped me and told me to not come back.” The crack in his voice was enough to make me bit down, flexing my jaw. I should have known better than to fuck around with a high schooler like that, hell most grown men couldn’t handle when I did shit like that, Eren on the other hand had enough balls to confront me about it. But he was still an emotional boy at the end of the day. He would cry if I was too harsh. “I didn’t even sleep last night; I just kept crying wondering what the hell did I do to make you so mad at me. Do you really not care that much? Am I really that insignificant to you that you can just throw me away that easily? I mean,” he stopped, and shuffled around awkwardly showing me that he wasn’t contented saying his next line, but he went on anyway despite his discomfort, “I know we’re not together or anything but I thought we at least had a great connection. Was that all a lie?”

I had no fucking clue what it was. Maybe it was the way he appeared in front of me. Stripped, exposed, completely unguarded for my eyes only to see. This kid had stayed up all night, worrying about what was going on in _my_ head. He cried, thinking he was going to lose _me_. I don’t know many sane people that have done shit like that. I’m used to people usually not caring or just giving up. But he cared.

Maybe it was the fact that he had one upped me. He didn’t take my shit; he threw it right back in my face with a fiery passion I never thought I’d see from him. He stood up against me. He fought back. Not even Erwin put up much of a fight when I bullshitted with him, he would just exit and go cool down, leaving me with my drugs. But this kid…this brat…he was something new. He was something completely different. He was rare.

I didn’t think, I just stepped forward, grasping the face that belonged to me and forced my lips upon him causing him to shriek with bewilderment. He struggled, not really, just slapped at my back but kept on kissing me back just as insanely. He stumbled backward, slamming himself against my kitchen counter while I let my hands run free. They left his face, curving down his neck and over his shoulders before resting on his hips. I gripped them tight, and with what remaining hip power I had left, thrust into him causing him to break our kiss panting.

“W-what are…you doing?” He asked between pants, voice completely laced with arousal. His brain was shrouded, unclear.

“Didn’t you say you wanted me to suck your cock earlier?” I wasn’t literally asking, I remembered damn well what he wanted. What man didn’t want me slobbing all over their knob? He simply nodded while sucking in his lip, he was fucking ready. I lowered myself, going straight for the buckle at his pants, and undid them. The satisfying clatter of them hitting the ground was pleasing to my ears. Eren took notice, and brought his feet together kicking off his shoes, then flopped off his pants and boxers that hung at his ankles.

I wasn’t very good with words, I was not a man to drop down on his knees and apologize for wrongs I had done. No, I simply acknowledged them and made sure they never happened again. I didn’t want to put Eren though that kind of pain again, he didn’t deserve it. He just fucking didn’t.

“Le...Levi…” He sobbed out as I swallowed his entire member into my mouth and down my throat. True, my jaw was fucking sore as shit thanks to that monster cock of Erwin’s but I could make room for one more head appointment. His hand had found the back of my head thanks to my guidance, and he began pumping my head back and forward. Eren was inexperienced as hell being new to this gay shit and all, but in due time he would have the stamina of a sex god. I would make sure of it. “Aah!” He shrieked, when I rolled my tongue under the shaft touching a very sensitive spot for him. I decided it was time to go wild on it.

I picked up my pace, flapping my tongue and attacking that sweet spot of his causing his knees to wiggle madly. “Fuck!” He was clutching desperately on the counter to support him, it was time for a switch up. I sucked hard, coming off him with a _pop_ sound and stood up. He looked to me, heaving and confused, as he had not cum yet.

“I’m sorry, did I make you choke?” I wanted to make a ‘pfffft’ sound. Hardly. I just knew that if I didn’t switch his position he would fall onto his fucking knees and take me down with him killing the whole mood. Besides, it was time to try something new with him. I brought up two fingers, both my index and my middle finger. “Suck them.” I said reaching them out to him. His face scrunched up with confusion.

“Excuse me..?” He wandered off.

“You heard me, suck my fucking fingers,” It took him a few moments; undoubtedly he was bracing himself for the foreign action to him, and leaned forward, taking the fingers both in his mouth beautifully. It was hot, watching him coat my digits with his sweet saliva and even occasionally make moaning sounds, showing me he was into it. I could feel the twitch in my cock and willed it to shut the fuck up before it got rough burned today from all the friction.

When I felt like he coated them enough, I slowly pulled them out watching a spit string connect from my fingers to his tongue. I leaned closer, swirling my tongue with his collecting up all that sweet nectar before pulling back and getting down to business. I used both my hands, careful not to engage my fingers covered in saliva, and lifted Eren up onto the counter.

“Lay down,” I instructed, he did so slowly lying backward trusting me completely with his body. I analyzed it, how fucking beautiful it really was and bit down on my inner cheek. One day…

I hovered my head above his cock, rolling my tongue out and pleasured him with teasing flicks of the tongue all over the tip. He whined and wiggled to my fulfillment, arching his back. Then I brought up the finger, unknowing to him tracing sensual swirls around the twitching entrance before easing it inside the virgin hole. Jesus Christ, it was fucking tight as hell. I had never had a virgin before but if this was how tight it was in there, I couldn’t wait to squeeze my dick inside those walls.  I began wiggling my finger around slowly, small circular motions to create some more space, massaging him inside before thrusting it.

“That feels so—” he stopped, choking on his words. “Goooood,” he breathed out sounding eased, relaxed with my motions. Good, because next up was the combination of both fingers. When I felt I had made him comfortable enough, I maneuvered my middle finger into the mix and this time heard him whimper with pain. I remember my first time being fingered, it hurt like hell, knowing that I did what I could to calm him down.

“Shh,” I purred to him still thrusting both fingers in and out, “Just try and relax,” to further this for him I placed the attention of my mouth back on his cock, flopping it around in there for a bit, multitasking and earning those whimpers of ecstasy from him again. I lowered my head and flicked my tongue out on his balls, careful as I knew they were sensitive. I continued this, listening to his uneven breathing until finally I curled my fingers earning a cry from Eren.

“Oh my God!” He wailed out, clawing at the counter. Ahh, found it, that pretty little prostate. I did it again, harder brushing against those nerves repeatedly causing his legs to quiver and shake uncontrollably. I kept finger fucking him, sucking his cock, he was going crazy arching his back throwing out all kinds of incoherent words. His legs were shaking like mad, and at some point they locked themselves around my head holding it in place there forcing me to keep sucking. Keep going. “I can’t breathe…I can’t…” his legs began rumbling next to my head, I knew what was coming. He couldn’t take it anymore. He had reached his limit. He came, hot semen shooting from him and down my throat. His legs, slowly released their death grip, allowing me the opportunity to unbury myself from his groin. But I didn’t. I kept sucking, even after he came, kept fingering. “No no no _stop_ ,” He said, body convulsing with random twitches. I complied, removing my mouth from his sensitive organ and removing my fingers from his now stretched hole.

I stood, wiping at my mouth with the back of my arm and looked down at my handy work. Eren was a fucking mess, dick completely limp after cumming, arms spread out all over the counter, chest heaving up and down. Damn I was good, and I couldn’t wait until the day it was my turn.

I moved next to him, jumping upward and scooting near him on the counter. He remained staring up at the ceiling, and when he finally caught his breath he spoke, “That was your way of apologizing wasn’t it?” He asked breath still uneven. I was looking to him sideways, watching as those ocean bluish green eyes scanned the ceiling for who knows what.

“Yeah,” I admitted with no shame. He didn’t say anything, just kept up with that dazed out stare. It was silent yes, but it was a comfortable one I had to say.

“That’s a pretty weird way of doing it,” he countered letting his head roll side to side on the counter; he was still coming down from the high of an orgasm. I snorted at his retort.

“That’s funny because I didn’t hear you complaining when I was choking down your cock,” he didn’t say anything, but instead I did hear a light laugh come from him. This kid was fucking bold.

He sat up, moving closer to me and placed a kiss on my cheek of all places. “I forgive you. Just please, don’t ever leave me like that again okay? Please.” I had never seen someone look at me like this, like I was absolutely everything. Why did Eren look at me like that? His unique colored eyes were piercing into mine, searching deep within me trying to find some sort of gateway to my feelings. And somewhere, inside myself I felt something ignite, a small jolt in my heart sparking itself back to life. It was fleeting, but it was something I had not felt for another in a long time.

“Okay,” I promised. I had meant it. I didn’t plan on leaving him alone like that again.  
The corners of his lips shifted a bit, into that of a tiny smile as he moved forward and kissed me lightly, this time on the lips. It was plain, just a peck and yet the way it was making me feel…fuck.

He pulled back, to my disappointment, and settled himself back comfortably on the counter, resting an arm on his elbow looking at me.

“What was so important that you called me freaking out last night Levi?” He had turned his head over now, looking intently into mine. “I could tell from your voice that wasn’t just a ‘let’s chill’ tone, you sounded frantic.” I could believe that, when I was having an episode anything under the yellow sun was fucking possible.

I thought about it, the consequences of telling him the truth about my fucked up head. It would be me opening up, and not just telling him basic shit like ‘hey I’m depressed’ but actual background. If I did this, I would be sharing a piece of myself with him. I would be forming an attaching _connection_ to him. Did I really want that? Well, too fucking late because my mouth was already opening.

“I was having a panic attack last night.” At my revelation, Eren’s eyes grew in size and he immediately sat forward.

“Holy shit! Are you okay? Did you get to a hospital? Did you know what was going on?” How like him, he was so concerned about me, giving me all his focus when he really didn’t need to be. It was baffling.

I brought out a hand, waving off his motions, “I’m not new to them, so I knew what was happening.” I paused, thinking of what next to say. “I have triggers for them. Usually it’s the sound of breaking glass. When I heard the shatter of glass in my room, accompanied with the fact of what today is, I went into overload and my body spazzed the fuck out.”

He leaned forward, arms resting on top of his legs now with his face angled toward me distorted in confusion, “Are you scared of glass?” He asked me being completely serious. “If you are that’s okay, I remember this episode of Jerry Springer where this girl was scared to death of pickles. It’s understandab—”

“No you bonehead! I am not _scared_ of glass,” I swear sometimes he needed to be slapped for the thoughts that ran through that thick head of his. I inhaled a fair amount of air, preparing myself for my confession, “Some years ago, I got into this really bad car accident. When we crashed, the front windshield shattered and pieces of glass dispersed everywhere. There was glass in my eyes, lodged in my cheeks, all that shit. I don’t like hearing it smash; it always reminds me of that day and puts me back in the front seat all over again. It was even worse since today is the anniversary of that accident. I don’t like being alone when it happens, I like having someone with me,” I _needed_ to have someone with me. I honestly couldn’t believe myself, telling him that much of the story was risky because I knew immediately what his next question would be. He would want to know details. And I wasn’t prepared to tell details, I didn’t think I ever would be.

Eren sat there, and I watched as all my information sank into his head, absorbing into his brain. I sat there, waiting for him to be a nosy person and pry more into my past. He didn’t.

“Well that’s a good thing to know. I’ll keep that in mind, no breaking glass around Levi,” he said using his arms to form an ‘X’ formation. He dropped the formation, undoing his cross of arms upon seeing my face. “What? Did I say something stupid again?” He asked, embarrassment spreading on his features. I only blinked. I couldn’t believe him. Past men had pestered me, always complaining about how I never opened up to them enough when I told them this exact same thing. It wasn’t enough for them, but for some reason it was enough to please Eren.

“Nothing,” I lied, shaking my head. Eren Jaeger…you just might be worth liking after all.

“So then, if you like having someone with you, how did you end up calming down?” I had really fucking hoped he wouldn’t ask that question. Now what the fuck was I supposed to say, that Erwin came here, humped the hell out of my ass fucking me like a whore, then left and then he came here? No, there had to be a better alternative than that. Honesty, but in another form.

“I called for one of my ex’s to come over,” I tried to play the words off, making them sound as passive and nonchalant as I could but Eren wasn’t having that.

“You called an ex?” He had sounded upset at the fact that I had relied on anyone else but him but it had to happen. “Was it Erwin?”

“Excuse me but I’ve had my fair share of ass outside of Erwin, my life doesn’t revolve solely on him.” Fucking. Lies. At one point it was all about him.

“But was it?” He asked yet again.

“It was,” I admitted flatly.

“What happened when he was here?”

“Nothing,” I lied crossing my arms.

“You guys did something. Did you two have sex?”

“Why are you asking me all these questions?” I was starting to get annoyed by him and this onslaught.

“Because you keep avoiding an answer to any of them. You slept with him didn’t you?” He asked again, eyes scanning my face desperately wishing for me to say no. But I couldn’t lie to him. There would be no point.

“I did.” I said, low angling my head away from his face. He was still gazing at me, and I didn’t want to see his fucking face, I could only imagine how broken it looked. I could hear his breathing, it was very light to my ears and I could tell he was doing it from the mouth. He wasn’t saying anything. I don’t think I had ever wanted this kid to open his fucking mouth more than I did now. Say something, _anything._

“Okay,” he said curtly and I could feel him sliding off the counter. I heard the jingle of his belt and looked over to see him stepping through and raising both his boxers and pants onto himself again.

“What are you doing?” I asked, not exactly sure where my sudden burst of energy had come from.

“I think I made a mistake,” he said while doing his belt loop, keeping his eyes off me. “I shouldn’t have come here, I mean you’re okay, you’re fine, Erwin helped you,” his voice was low, but I heard the tremble within it, he was fighting so hard just to keep it calm. He slipped his feet back inside his shoes, scooting them inside before turning to the door, sprinting for it.

“Eren, wait,” I called to him, causing him to stop dead in his fucking tracks. His shoulders were tense, rigid. The back of his neck appeared strained, I could see he wanted nothing more than to leave this room, he felt suffocated. “Where are you going?”

“Home.” He answered quickly.

“You hate being home.” He absolutely fucking hated it.

“Whatever, I’ll deal with it.”

“You don’t even have a way to get there,” I reminded him, anything to keep him distracted from walking out that door. Just keep talking to me brat. Don’t go.

“I’ll walk.” He was being nippy with me, trying so hard to disguise how he felt. I knew that feeling, because that’s how I was too. There was only one way to deal with someone like that, you had to tell them the truth. Tell them what they really wanted to fucking hear.

“Stay with me.” I let the words escape my throat and reach across the room to him. He shivered, upon hearing them.

It was hard not to see the visible softening of him from my words, his shoulders lowered a tiny bit. He lifted an arm, running it through his hair before letting it hit his forehead and settle there. His head was lowered in hand, back turned to me, shoulders slumped now.

“It’s never been so painfully clear to me that I don’t have a place here. I knew you still loved him, I could tell from the little things you did when I said his name but…” he stopped taking in a deep breath and releasing the air. “Now I know you and Erwin are back together so I’ll just leave you two alone. I hope he makes you really happy Levi,” there he was again, going for the door. His hand had reached out to grab it, beginning to twist it in his palm. In a few seconds, just a few quick moments he would be gone forever.

My feet were faster than my brain; miraculously I had caught up to him. I reached out, snatching his hand away from the door and before he could even dare pull away I used my other hand to grab his free wrist on the other arm. I used my full force, taking him and pinning him against the wall, both his hands held firmly on either side of his head from me. He was shocked, completely speechless at my actions, I didn’t even have to see his face to know that much.

“You’re not wrong,” I said, my head was facing downward causing my hair to fall and cover majority of it. “I do still have feelings for Erwin.” There, I told him the fucking truth.

I heard Eren whimper, he didn’t like that answer one bit. “Then let me go,” he struggled to break free but I pushed against him not allowing that.

“Let me fucking finish will you?” I snapped causing the fight in him to decrease. “Yes Eren, I do love Erwin. At one point, that man was everything to me. He was my source of light and I wanted nothing more than to suffocate and smother myself with him. I would have walked straight into hell with a big fat smile on my face with him if that’s what he wanted me to do and not have bothered to ask any questions. But things are different now.” I looked up at him, challenging him to look at me with sheer force of gaze. He did. “Erwin and I are no more. You hear me? Erwin Smith is a thing of the past, we fucked and that was it. That was the absolute last you’ll ever hear of him again. We are _done._ It’s not happening again, do you understand?” I hoped to hell he did. I couldn’t have been more clear. I watched his face, hell I stared hard waiting to see some sort of change occur. He bit his lip, and I zoned in on that causing him to look away.

“But you still love him,” he said so weakly.

“It’s hard to forget about your first real love, people often find themselves stuck on them forever. But I’m trying to move on damn it,” Erwin had told me to give someone else a chance, someone who would be better than him for me. It was time, it was time to open that fucking door of possibilities and see where it lead to. “I’m trying with you,” this caused Eren to snap back to looking at me, eyes trembling.

“W-what?” He asked knowing damn well he had heard me. To humor him, I said it again.

“I don’t want anyone else. I want you Eren Jaeger, so, don’t walk out that door.”

He didn’t say anything, but the obvious limpness of his limbs became apparent as I realized I was the only thing holding them up. I slowly, released them and they remained in place held up as if my hands were still there. I waited once again for him to say anything, but he never did. He just fucking stared at me. Maybe convincing him was going to be a lot harder than I had thought.

“Look Eren, I—” I was taken aback by the sudden placement of his hands on my shoulders as he forced me forward. His lips ran over mine, kissing me with a heated tenacity I didn’t know he had in him. His teeth nibbled at my bottom lip, just like how he knew I liked it, and I opened wide allowing him access inside. His tongue wrapped around mine, flicking at it, teasing, his arms had wrapped around the back of my neck and as I pressed against him I could feel his heart pounding. Finally, after one final moan in my mouth, he pulled back looking down at me.

“I heard you,” he whispered looking down into my eyes deeply. “Levi I…” he stopped going back to once again biting his lips; it looked fucking sexy as hell. “I want to ‘do it’,” he said causing my eyebrows to rise so high I thought they were touching my hairline.

“You want to ‘do it’?” I mimicked in a childish tone like how he sounded. “Eren, you can’t even say the word without going red, I don’t think you’re ready. But don’t worry; we’ll have plenty of timeeee?” My voice went high up as Eren ignored my words completely, leaning his head downward and attacking my neck. He was licking and sucking, doing circular motions on my sweet spot he learned of causing me to moan under his touch. He was being a little shit, he thought he was slick but the answer was still no. No matter what he did it would be no. No and no and—

“Levi I want you to fuck me,” he heaved out sexily while taking one hand and palming my ass cheek so tight, I knew it would leave a mark. Okay fuck yeah.

I tore my hands away from him and bent my knees a bit. With muscles that Eren probably didn’t even know I had, I hooked my hands underneath his legs and lifted him up. His arms, stayed wrapped around me and he did the same with his legs snaking them around my waist holding my cock close to his tight hole. My arms wrapped around him, holding him there as we kissed passionately.

“Aahh…ha..” he breathed out slamming a hand back up against the wall and turning his head as I sucked on his neck while dry humping against him. His body slid up and down the wall, depending on how hard I rubbed against him. I couldn’t take this teasing anymore, I needed the real thing.

I pulled back from the wall still holding Eren close as he held on tightly to me. I was trying to get across the living room and to my bed but it was difficult. He was nibbling at my earlobe, the sounds he was making driving me fucking crazy. “Keep it up and I’ll fuck you right here on the couch,” I grunted to him.

“I don’t see what’s wrong with that,” he replied back still licking and flicking my lobe around. I had managed to make it to the bedroom somehow and the first thing I did was throw him on the bed. I took this time to admire him, lying flat on his back looking up at me with a burning desire in his eyes. He wanted this. He wanted me.

“Take your clothes off,” I instructed watching him closely. He was fast; tugging at the bottom of his shirt so fast it was unattractive. “Go slower damn it, be sexy about it.” He stopped, head already underneath the opening on the top and brought it back down.

“What? How am I supposed to be sexy about taking off clothes?” Ugh, he was killing my growing boner faster than the Dragster at cedar point takes off. What a fucking nerd. Well, my fucking nerd I guess. I looked down at myself, remembering that I was shirtless the entire time anyhow.

We’d have to save the strip tease for another day. “Never mind,” I gave up. “Just get naked and spread that ass for me.” I listened to him go back to taking his clothes off while I went over to the nightstand next to my bed. I opened up the drawer pulling out my precious bottle of lube, the expensive shit. “You allergic to vitamin E oil?” I called back to him, not looking.

“I don’t think so,” he responded doing some sort of movement that made my bed squeak. Good, we were ready to go.

I turned around, popping open the cap and smothering two fingers with the slippery liquid. I looked up and took in all of Eren’s naked form sprawled out on my bed. His body was well toned matching well with his lean frame. I tried to tear my eyes away from the bronze outline of his body and after several attempts, finally fucking succeeded. I used my spare hand, and dropped my sweatpants with ease, stepping out of them and coming over. Eren gasped, seeing how I was already hard and ready to fuck. Once at the bed, I brought one leg forward placing it on the bed in between his legs. His chest was moving up and down quite fast, I brought my eyes up from that and looked in his eyes.

“Relax,” I tried to settle him as my body hovered over his. “Remember what I said in the bathroom? Just focus on me,” I wasn’t a very comforting person, or at least I didn’t think so but Eren did seem to visibly relax. He nodded a few excessive times, showing me how nervous he really was underneath all that brave talk earlier.

“Okay,” he breathed out, reaching a hand up and gripping his hold on my arm. He seemed to have found some sort of center, it was time to start. I came down, kissing him. I wasn’t as rough as I wanted to be but what the hell. This was his first time, wasn’t it supposed to be all romantic, gentle and shit on people’s first times? So I figured I’d go that route.

Our kiss was careful, gentle, well it started out that way until Eren whimpered and tried with his free arm to pull me down more by the back of my neck. Then it got wild, the intensity was back. He was kissing me uncontrollably, tongue exploring everywhere. It was fucking hot, I couldn’t resist the roll of my hip onto him. He cried out, my cock had rubbed against him and I knew he liked it. I repeated the movement again, this time making him shiver a bit. “You fucking like that don’t you?” I asked doing it again and earning an even more energetic response.

“Y-yes,” he confessed huskily. I sat up a bit taking his hand that had wrapped around my hair strands and bringing it lower. I trailed it seductively down my chest, over my abdomen slowly. His eyes were wide.

“I want you to touch me,” I told him watching as my wants slowly started to comprehend to him. His hand traced over my skin once more, wrist bending fluidly as he went up and down, eyes completely fixated on my body. I bit my lip loving even the small sensations it was giving off and his eyes flickered to me. This must’ve encouraged him because he lowered his shy touches, going for the main attraction. “Aah..yeah just like that,” I moaned out as he wrapped a warm hand around not just my cock, but his too rubbing them together. He was stroking us both, slow at first, trying to be delicate. But fuck that, I liked it rough.

I took this opportunity and lowered my oiled up fingers, hovering at his entrance, teasing him by swirling circles around the rim. I lowered myself, catching his lips, moaning into his mouth at him jacking us both off and slipped one finger inside.

He whined a bit, liking the feeling of being pumped in and out of. I slipped another in, this time being harder with my motions. He shivered, that hand he still had on my arm gripped tighter.

“Ah fuck!” He bit his lip trying to hold back his cries and his stroking halted for a moment. Then he picked back up, going into full force on both of us.

“Mhh,” I moaned as he rubbed his hand at a vicious speed over my dick. I finger fucked him harder, curling my fingers glazing over his prostate over and over making him convulse under me into mini spasms. He was getting worked up, tossing and turning his head everywhere. My toes were starting to get that familiar strain in them and his back was arching. No, not yet.

Without warning I pulled my fingers out of him and sat up. He was breathing heavily, hands now resting on the bed. “No, don’t stop,” he demanded weakly. I smirked, oh I had something better than just my fingers waiting for him. I pulled myself back, reached for the bottle of lube again. Once again popping the cap open I squeezed a considerably amount out before tossing the bottle elsewhere. I would need a hell of a lot with this unseasoned ass.

“Wait Levi,” he called out to me, voice shaky from the pleasure I had been giving him. “Do you think you could cut the ceiling lights on?” I had no fucking idea what his obsession with those lights was but I didn’t complain. I went and plugged them in, bringing the white lights to life and made my way back over to the bed. Eren lay there, a strange peaceful look on his face as he gazed at the lights before turning to me and smiling. There it was, that damn feeling inside me again.

I got back on the bed, angling myself between his legs and spreading the lube all up and down my length. Eren watched me doing it, his tongue coming out and licking at his lips. Fuck he was so fucking sexy for no fucking reason. I was going to dominate that ass.

“You ready?” I asked him, trying to hide my carnal desire from my voice. I had positioned his legs, hooking them up on my shoulders. The tip of my cock was positioned right at the entrance, it was now or never.

“Yeah but…don’t laugh but can you hold my hand or something?” He asked me.

“Sure princess,” I joked bringing my left hand out and catching his, enlacing our fingers. I watching him take a few reassuring breaths to brace himself, then I began.

I pushed lightly, the tip beginning its journey inside his walls, and kept going. Eren was already starting to scrunch up his face and wiggle from the pain. “Ow ow ow,” he chanted out fast, hand nails digging into the skin in my hand holding it tighter. I was only half way in.

“I know, it’ll feel better soon I promise. Just try and relax,” I told him. His hole was tight as fuck, he was squeezing too hard. But it did get noticeably easier to move in when he relaxed more. I waited, giving him time to feel the complete adjustment to having something inside him before I started to grind.

Slow at first, baby slow. “Ah!” Eren let out, informing me that he was still a little sore. With my free hand I brought it out and rubbed reassuringly at his leg, soothing patterns. I humped into him lightly, holding back what I really wanted to fucking do, waiting patiently. The grip he held on my hand decreased, getting lighter until his fingers uncurled themselves from my own. “Levi?” his voice was strained, back arching higher, eyes closed tight and mouth parted letting a moan escape. Dear God, let me fuck this boy’s brains out now before I burst.

“Yes Eren?” My voice was low, eyes solely focused on the only thing that mattered right now, him. “What do you want?” In that moment, it felt as though time were moving in slow motion as I awaited his answer. I was like a rabid dog being held back on a leash. Say it brat, tell me what you want me to do and I’ll devour you whole.

“I— I want you to…” say it. “Fuck me harder.”

That was all I needed, this soft shit was over. I rearranged my hands, holding at his legs keeping them tight in place, pulled back as far as I could, and slammed my cock deep in that ass. I’m tearing his ass up, spreading his legs far apart, claiming absolute dominance over the hole that is mine. I need it, I want to drown out my frustrations, my sorrow, my self hate inside him, pushing it in deeper. He’s taking it, squirming and gripping the sheets, whining like a whore but never pulling away. Because Eren is just like me, we both know and embrace pain. We live in it every fucking day and as pitiful as it is, we don’t know how to live without it. We love it.

“Ahh FUCK!” He hollers out, screaming into the air. His dick is flopping around from my forcefulness, and he reaches a hand forward grabbing it. He starts beating it, pleasuring his front while I’m pleasuring his back. His skin is slapping against mine, sweat is glistening on both of us, my nails are digging into those hips forcing them to take my assault. His balls are slapping against himself as he jerks his cock. He’s making the most sexy sounds as he moans, grunts, shrieks, squeals. He’s close, so so so close, and I’m going to erupt inside him. I can’t pull out in time before I—

“ _Oh God,”_ I spill, everything I have in me inside of him. Almost like a trigger, my orgasm causes him to have his own, cum shooting out, some landing on me but most on him. He’s heaving, he sounds like he absolutely cannot manage to breathe, it’s like he forgot how to. I fall backward a bit, landing flat on my ass and removing myself from him. I’m out of breath too, this kid had worn me out.

I looked around, not finding a towel to help clean up so that left only one way to clean up.

“What are you doing?” Eren asked me as I lowered my head over his abdominals, and licked up any and all traces of his cum from himself. I pulled back, swallowing the thick substance earning a sad moan from him at my tongue leaving him. After that was taken care of, along with the cum on me, I fell backward landing on my back. Eren already on his angled himself differently, so that he could be closer to me. We lay there, silent, staring up at the cosmos of lights above as he liked to call it.

“I thought I’d cry,” he said simply, not moving anything but his lips. He hadn’t though, not a single tear had come from his eyes during the entire act, he just took it gratefully.

“Do you regret it?” Virginity was not something to play around with in my eyes. When he had told me he wanted to lose it with me, I was touched. To think this kid would want to share such an important memory with me. Me. It was done, I would forever be engraved into his existence, we were intertwined now.

“No, no not at all.” He rolled his head over to me and I did the same wanting to look at him too. His eyes were honest, the most genuine I had ever seen. “I’m glad it was with you.”

I didn’t know how to respond. I wasn’t going to say something cheesy so I just settled with the next best thing I knew of, silence. I looked back to the ceiling, thinking back to what today was. It was still so early, the whole day was ahead of me to grieve over what I had done all those years ago, but somehow I had a feeling this year wouldn’t be as bad.

I felt a tug at my pinkie and saw that Eren had reached over, snaking his around mine, locking them together. That jolt in my heart was back at his touch.

Yeah, this year’s anniversary wouldn’t be so bad after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> they finally fucked! yaaaaaaaay. i mean, AHEM, hope you liked it.


	11. Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone knows having too many secrets is a bad thing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehe you have no idea how fun it is writing for this story. I fixed the tags for people who asked me about them so hopefully things are more clear now. You've been waiting a week so let me stop rambling and let you have your chapter

I remember when I was younger my mother had a famous quote from the Bible she used to always tell me right before bed. Specifically, she would say it to me when I had just done something wrong or perhaps gotten into a fight at school, it was always the same. She would bend her body forward, tucking me in tight before placing a kiss on my forehead. Then she would pull back smiling gingerly upon me before parting her lips and saying, “ ‘I loved you in your darkest moments’,” then cut off the light leaving me to ponder it.

Back then, I had never understood what that meant. Was she calling me a bad child? It took me time, years even to begin to understand that quote. She meant that no matter what I had done, how low I had fallen from grace she would always love me just as strongly. Her love for me would never waver, no matter the sin I had committed. Never.

Of course, things changed.

I wondered if she would still say this to me if she could see what I had been doing each day with my life. How every morning for the past month began with me naked and tangled in the sheets with another man, holding him to my chest as if he were life itself. Legs tangled in between one another radiating warmth to the skin. Kissing, practically devouring one another as we simply could not stand being apart. Fucking each other, digging deeper into the other, loosing ourselves in the process. We both wanted nothing to do with our own miserable lives and so, we created one together where we molded and shaped reality. I wondered how she would feel if she saw me, abusing drugs, smoking until my lungs were begging me for oxygen, popping pills that completely overtook my entire body sending me in euphoric stages of haze and lust. How I truly wondered what she would say to see how far her little boy had fallen.

“D-does it feel good?” I grunted out, flexing my jaw at the slick friction sliding on my cock. My hands are gripping at his hips, keeping him secure underneath me. With each thrust, my nails sig deeper into his skin, I probably broke it but it doesn’t matter. I can’t stop myself. He feels so _good_ so fucking good.

“Fuck yeah,” he whimpers out, voice barely coherent. He’s a mess under me, left leg extended up on my shoulder as he lays on his side, allowing me to push further and further into him. He’s loving it, Levi relishes in being fucked rough, like me. He loves being on the bottom, screaming, squirming, clawing at my back, whining and begging for more of my dick inside of him. “Er..en. Oh God, you’re making me feel…” he can’t even finish his sentence without wiggling, voice strained and face completely scrunched up from the pleasure. “Like a fucking whore!” His back arches and with it he loses his balance on his side, turning and lying on his back. I grasp those legs, spreading them and they wrap around me, locking me. His hold is relentless, he’s so greedy, he needs to be _filled_.  I needed more, I wanted more.

“L-Levi, oh _shit_ ,” I can’t stop myself, his hole is so tight, it feels too damn good rubbing my dick against his inner walls. I angle myself forward, slamming with everything in me, grinding my hips into him time and time again. My balls are slapping against me, his ass is so delicious. Sweat is building up, at one point I fear that beads of it will drop down onto him but that doesn’t slow me down.

“ _Eren!_ ” He hollers out my name, just the sound of him screaming it is enough for me. I can’t keep up with this much longer. I look down and see my cock appearing and disappearing, the lube dripping down onto the bed, hear the noises and—

“ _Shit!”_ I shut my eyes and cum hard with one final thrust, spilling in him completely forgetting to pull out. My body is locked, frozen with euphoric waves passing through every tightened muscle. Still feeling the tingle and heat all over my body, I give a few more shallow pumps into him just to feel the pressure back on my cock, the sensation. I open them up, to see he has cum too, and is breathing erratically. Good.

I flop over next to him, ignoring the loud noise the mattress makes with the weight of my body on it. I’m making sure to take long breaths, it’s so hard for me to stabilize my body after sex. Levi has been telling me that eventually that will pass but it’s been a month and nothing has changed. Oh well.

“That was fucking good,” he remarks letting out a gust of air, he needed to release from his lungs. “You really have gotten better. You can actually last more than fifteen minutes.”  He was right, when we first started having sex, the moment he let me be on top was awkward. I would thrust with no real rhythm and end up cumming entirely too fast, needing to finish him off with a hand job. How embarrassing.

“I’d rather not talk about those days,” I said feeling totally disgusted with that topic. I wanted to pretend that I could always make him scream my name like that and there was no time when he looked bored during sex.  

“You don’t need to be sensitive about it; no one starts out a fucking pro, no pun intended. It takes time,” he said reaching off the bed and grabbing for his clothes he wore today. He fumbles in the back pocket for a bit before pulling out a carton of death crayons, specifically fishing one out along with a lighter. He rolls on his back, flickering the flame on and I watch as the stick ignites, coming to life in his hands. He drags out one long puff, lungs absorbing the ash before pulling away and strategically blowing it out. He extends it to me, I do the same.

Since that day of our first sexual encounter, we had been nearly inseparable. I was always coming up with excuses, anything to leave the house and go be with him. He never complained, he just accepted my company, sometimes even being the one to ask me to come see me. He wasn’t kidding when he said he had wanted to try again at relationships with me. Things were almost too good to be true, I hated to admit it but I was still waiting patiently for the rain to fall and pour real life down on me. Dare I say it but, I was starting to feel happy again, really happy. But still, that didn’t stop a nagging question that pressed the back of my brain. A puzzling subject that was not as clear as it should’ve been.

“Are we dating?” I asked, prompting myself up on both elbows and extending the cig back to him. I watched as the smoke I had just exhaled formed a dusty cloud in front of my eyes, blurring him to me for a second. His grey eyes are steadied on me, not the cigarette I have held out for him. He’s giving me a dazzled expression, eyebrows rising. “What?”

“Are you fucking kidding me right now?” He asks, bobbing his head along with the words.

“No? I mean we haven’t exactly said anything about it…” My voice started to linger off near the ends as his face comes off as a bit intimidating. I can see from his eyes that his thoughts are set on one thing; me being an idiot.

He takes the cigarette from me, taking yet another long puff before speaking, “Ugh. I forgot how in high school everything has to be broadcasted otherwise no one knows what’s going on…” I had no idea what the hell that meant. He turned to me, his entire body as he sat up looking down upon me. “Eren, we have been spending just about every day together for the past two months. I took your virginity and let you fuck me raw on a regular basis. We take showers together, I pick you up and take you to school—well whenever you do go, you’re always spending the night. For fuck’s sake, I share my drugs with you free of charge! If that’s not a relationship, I don’t know what is.”

“So is that a yes?” His eyes narrowed.

“Don’t make me slap you.” Okay, I would take that as a yes. It’s not as though I had expected him to confess deep feelings and break out poetry or anything, I just wanted a simple yes or no. He must have seen the upset look on my face because just then he sighed, irritably and placed the palm with the cigarette in between his fingers on his forehead. “Yes Eren, we are dating. Are you fucking happy now?” I smiled, sitting up with him and leaning in towards him.

“Very,” I would never get tired of kissing him. Even when the taste of ash was prevalent in his mouth, I would continue kissing him anyhow. It did not matter, whether it be ash in his mouth or a pill, Levi would always be exceptional in my eyes, irreplaceable.

He brought his free hand up, touching the side of my face and returned my greeting to his lips. “What do you have planned for Halloween?” He asked me breaking our kiss and settling backward. It was a simple question that required a simple answer. He was looking into my eyes directly, awaiting a response from me.

“I’m not sure,” I said wiping the back of my forearm on my forehead, catching some sweat. “Usually it’s a tradition for me, Armin, and Mikasa to sit around and watch scary movies. Oh man, we would marathon on the _Halloween_ series with Michael Myers. Armin is such a big baby whenever he pops up on the screen and kills somebody. Then my mom would pass out the can—” I stopped, or rather choked, voice suddenly trapped in my throat. I looked downward, eyes widened immensely. It was still too early to talk about her. It was still too painful. The wound was just too fresh. “I don’t know.”

Levi, sensing that something was wrong turned away, patting the cigarette out on an ashtray I had bought. Then he turned back to face me, “You don’t have to talk about her if you don’t want to,” he reassured me calmly while lying back down, sharing a pillow with me and facing me. “It’s still fucking with you, I can see.” He paused, eyes glancing away for a moment before returning. “We all have stories to tell, we’ve all been through some shit. For some people just more traumatizing stuff than others.”

With me, it was my mother’s murder. Knowing that someone out there had executed her, leaving her there to suffer and die. For him, it was a car accident. While he knew all about mine in extensive detail, I still had small fragments of his. All I knew was that there was a crash, after the anniversary he did not speak of the incident again. In fact, he had completely dropped it and went to go throw back a few pills before falling asleep. I had never asked for anything more, it was clear he didn’t want to speak on it. Although I had noted he did say ‘we’ when talking about the tragedy. There were more people involved than just him, but I had no clue who those souls were.

“Are we bad people Levi?” I asked him. The question had thrown him for a loop, his eyebrows came down together and his grey crystals appeared perplexed.

“What kind of question is that?” He retorted.

“My mother she…when I was little she used to say to me ‘I loved you in your darkest moments’. I was just thinking you know, what would she say if she could see the things I do now? I was thinking if we are bad people for doing what we do. Drugs…gay sex…”

To this, Levi sat up immediately. He had tossed the covers off of himself, exposing his naked body for my eyes to soak in. He twisted himself, back towards me and feet dangling off of the bed. His muscled back was tense, plagued with small white scars that I could only assume were a result of the crash. “If doing what makes me happy labels me as a bad person, then fuck it, call me that all you want. That’s the shit I like to do and if someone has a problem with it then fuck them. I’m not stopping either of those habits, I still plan on getting high and sticking my dick inside of you.” He stopped, sliding himself off the bed and I listened as his feet made contact with the floor. “Besides, if your mother said that to you then I’m sure she really meant it. You shouldn’t even be worrying about stuff like that when the answer is so simple. She would love you no matter what wrong you commit, she would never stop.” He stopped talking for a moment, then looked over his shoulder to me. “She still hasn’t.”

I was speechless. I honestly didn’t know what to say. He was right. Even right now, looking down at me from Heaven I was sure my mother still loved me and Levi was right, I shouldn’t have questioned it. That thought alone was enough to well up a tear inside my eye.

 

“It’s freezing in here,” I commented grasping both my arms and shivering. The still weather of summer had officially ended in these last few weeks. Fall truly was upon us, painting the leaves a golden auburn and succumbing them to fall silently to the ground. Still, as the cold air blew outside, I had no idea why it had to be blaring here in my room as well. “Why did you open the windows?” I asked Levi.

He was dressed now, sporting a black leather jacket with a few asymmetrical zippers designed into the sleeves. It was zipped all the way to the top, revealing only a small V formation in his chest. He was sporting some grey skinny legged jeans and black converse to match the jacket. He really did love dressing up in punk/grunge style. Meanwhile, I was still wearing whatever Jean provided me with. What was my life?

“Because,” he began tearing open my room window to fullness. “If your dad comes home we need to air this place out. If he smells the smoke, he’ll kick your ass. Again.” I really didn’t need that last part to be said. I really didn’t. “By the way, you said your bed was shit but I liked it. All the squeaking was my favorite part.”

It was a shit bed. I couldn’t make one sudden movement without the whole house hearing it. I preferred Levi’s bed, but he insisted we try mine out saying he wanted to “break it in.” That was how we ended up here in the first place. “You only say that because you like being loud during sex.” I threw at him; he turned and a ghost of a smirk crossed his features.

“Your god damned right I do. That’s how it should be.” He really didn’t have any shame when it came to screwing. “He didn’t do a bad job with your room either. He really did make sure you were taken care of.”

Even though it had only been a month and some weeks, the house was almost done to perfection. My and Mikasa’s rooms were the first to be made over. My room was simple, cream walls at my request with basic wood furnishing. Of course I had band posters hung up, just like my old room but no stereo set this time sadly. No outlet for music, what a horrible fate.

 I turned reaching into the closet and pulled out a tan jacket, slipping it on and zipping it up. I needed to make sure I was bundled up for tonight. “Are you sure you’ll be fine without me tonight?” I asked him fixing the collar on the jacket. He tucked his hands in his pockets, leaning on the wall looking like a relaxed panther.

“Yeah. I might hang out with some friends, who knows,” He said tilting his head back on the wall, appearing laxed.

“Wait, you have friends?” I joked pointing a finger at him. He brought his head back down and gave me the most deadpanned look ever recorded in history.

“Ha-ha brat, very fucking funny. It’s amazing you haven’t booked any shows yet with that hilarious sense of humor. You slay me,” he brought his hands out his pockets and gave a very precise, slow, dead clap matching his facial expression. Then he pocketed them once again. “I have _a_ friend, and she’s pretty fucking weird but she keeps me entertained.”

That piqued my interest. “A girl? What’s her name?” I asked wanting details.

Levi just shrugged, “Eh, maybe you’ll meet her one day, maybe you won’t. Either way, you’ve been warned that she’s bat shit crazy.” Now I absolutely had to meet her. I hoped I would, she sounded interesting. While in the middle of my thoughts, Levi came up to me grabbing me by the collar of my jacket shirt and kissed me. It didn’t take me long to mold into it. “I’ll see you later,” he said pulling away entirely.

He left, I watched as he pulled away going off to meet that friend. As I waited for Mikasa to show up and get me, my mind stayed focused on Levi. I honestly could not believe I was tapping that.

 

“Are you serious?” I asked sitting forward in the car seat leaning towards Mikasa. She had been telling me gossip about what was going on with Armin and Jean. Apparently, I had really been missing out on things because the further she went along, the more shocking revelations I got.

“Yes Eren,” she replied making a right turn. “Armin didn’t break up with him, he says he’s not sure about that yet. But Jean is hanging on a thread. A weak one.”

“But I thought they fucked at that party,” I had said the words so nonchalantly, Mikasa turned her head over and looked at me oddly.

“Since when did you start swearing like that?” She asked raising a questioning eyebrow. Had I? I honestly hadn’t noticed. There was only one person I hung around on a daily that did it so much though. Too bad she didn’t know about him. And I planned to keep it that way. If Mikasa caught wind of Levi she would murder him, then me, then bring me back to life and kill me all over again. I didn’t need that kind of negativity in my life. “Also, why do you reek of cigarette smoke? You’ve been choking me since you stepped in the car.”

Fast. I had to think fast, but not too fast. I could literally feel my brain cells going into overdrive, clogs in my brain turning enabling the next to move accordingly. After what seemed like an eternity, I devised a lie.

“I was going to the supermarket earlier. You had the car so I decided to just wait for the bus. Everyone was smoking around me, guess the smell caught on my clothes.” Please believe me Mikasa, for once don’t have ridiculously sharp maternal skills and catch my lie.

“Hmm,” she hummed. “I honestly thought it was because of Annie.” She said dismissing the topic. It was my turn to raise an eyebrow and be shocked.

“Annie smokes?”

She nodded. “At least a pack a day. Her parents do it too, I let her do it in the car so I thought it was a possibility.”

“You know Mikasa,” I began slowly. “You and Annie really have been at the hip for a while now…”

“Your point?” She interjected pointedly.

“Ahh, never mind.” I don’t know why I didn’t ask, maybe it was because I couldn’t. Mikasa was my sister, if there was anything new going on in her life I was sure she would tell me. That’s what siblings do. Even though I was failing miserably at it, that didn’t mean she could. We couldn’t both be holding secrets.

We had pulled up to the school now, darkness had officially stricken the city leaving small stars in the sky. Mikasa rolled around in the parking lot, having to finally settle on parking on the lawn it was so crowded. Everyone had come out for this event tonight. The bonfire, it was tradition at my school to host a grand bonfire in the field right before championships started. There was only one football game left until the season was over, this bonfire was sort of a good luck thing for the players. From the distance we were away from the giant flames, I could see the outlines of numerous Trost High students. We found Armin easily, flipping through his phone while sitting in a pod with Annie, Reiner, Bertholdt, and Christa.

“Hey guys,” I said walking up behind their formation. Each person smiled and waved a greeting before both Mikasa and I took our seats. Mine next to Armin and hers next to Annie. Hmm.

“Where’s Ymir?” Mikasa asked looking around. It was rare that Christa and Ymir weren’t next to one another; they were the schools famous lesbian couple after all. An adorable small girl paired with a crude tall brute. No one understood the attraction whatsoever.

“Oh, this isn’t really her thing.” Christa said smiling brightly. “Ymir doesn’t really like showing up to these kinds of events. She’s just really over high school.”

“I think everyone is,” Reiner said sighing. Things were the same, as if I had never witnessed him and Bert caught in a gay act. But now small glances and touches were more apparent in my eyes. “Have you guys started to look into what college you want to go to?”

It was about time to do that wasn’t it? With everything that had been happening in my life, the thought of college hadn’t even passed my mind. I wasn’t even sure if that was a path I wanted to take.

“I was looking at Trost Central,” Armin chipped in. “They have a really nice criminal justice program that I’m interested in.” Not that he needed to worry about that, Erwin would hook him up with a nice job anyway.

“I’m not sure yet,” Bertholdt said shakily. “I don’t want to go off too far you know? I don’t want to be that far away from my family,” he glanced at Reiner in a particular manner that told me he wasn’t concerned about moving from his family. He didn’t want to be separated from Reiner.

“I got accepted into the University of Michigan,” Mikasa spoke up, in a calm manner as usual. Everyone seemed enthused for her, congratulating her on the accomplishment. Everyone but me.

“You didn’t tell me about that. That’s far away Mikasa, you can’t just leave the state by yourself.” She couldn’t do that. If she left, then I would be stuck here all by myself with Grisha.

“Chill out Eren, I only got accepted I didn’t say I was going.” She stopped then looked over to Annie. “Annie got accepted too so if I did go I wouldn’t be alone. I’d have her.” Once again everyone was back to congratulating them both. Why couldn’t I be happy for them as well? Instead, all I felt was a growing tartness inside me. And it wasn’t just for them, everyone.

Glancing around, everyone appeared to be so happy. They were celebrating, relishing in the company of their friends, laughing around the bonfire. They were discussing plans, the future, graduating. They were all moving on, speaking as if high school was a thing of the past already. I looked back to Armin and Mikasa.

There was a day coming when we would not be together anymore. They would go off to college and leave me here alone, all by myself. Everyone would, the football team had already forgotten about me, replacing me easily with Marco. I was becoming a shadow, but it wasn’t always that way. I used to have the brightest future, scholarships were thrown in my face for my athletic skills, when did all of that stop? When had I stopped pushing for the future? When had I stopped caring?

The sounds of laughter pulled me back from my melancholy thoughts. They were all giggling about something, I had missed it. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea coming here like I had thought. I got up suddenly, the eyes in the group glancing to me. “Oh, I forgot my chap stick in the car. I’ll be right back.”

I trotted myself away from the field, disappearing away from the joyous crowd. How ironic, the farther I got away from the blazing flames, the colder I felt. But not on the outside, but on the inside, I didn’t belong here.

I had safely made my way to the school building and decided to post myself up against the wall. I was stressing, I needed something to help me get back to a calm state. I stuck my hand in the pocket, digging around for my method of peace and found it. A bottle of Valium, which I still had no idea how Levi was able to get a hold of this. I brought the orange bottle out, shaking it around bit as I willed for a pill to fall out in my hand. I stared down at it; it was amazing how something so small could make you feel so good about yourself. I braced myself, steadying it in my hand before I tossed my head back and—

“Eren?” The voice of a person clouded my eardrums and shocked me so much I almost dropped the pill. “What are you doing over here?” It was of all people, Jean. He came walking out of the shadows towards me, revealing his full form.

“Jean I— nothing I just had to get away from all the smoke. It was starting to give me a headache.” When did I start to lie so much?

“So you just come all the way over to the most secluded spot on the whole other side of the building? That’s a bit much don’t you think?” He sounded skeptical, and continued his stride towards me. I began to fumble, I still had the orange bottle locked in my hand as I hadn’t had a chance to pocket it yet. I tried tossing the pill I didn’t get to take and shoving the bottle back into my pocket but it was too late. He had seen.

He snatched his hand out quickly, using those swift reflexes football had taught him and grasped the bottle. His eyes scanned over the label rapidly, and when its contents registered in his brain I watched as his face twisted into absolute abhorrence.

“Are you shitting me?” He began raising the bottle and bringing it closer to my face. “Eren are you really serious right now?” I didn’t speak despite his assault towards me. “Say something you shithead!”

“What do you want me to say?!” I broke my sealed lips apart, shooting back anger at him.

“Start by explain this!” He rattled the pills around.

I sighed, “I told you, I had a headache from the smoke. I was just taking them to relieve—”

“Can you just, cut the bullshit for once? Lying is not going to do you any good right now.” I thought about his words, I could always tell him the truth. I could always explain to him what was really racking my brain and hope he would understand. I was knee deep in lies, I had been lying just about every day non-stop over the silliest things. Once you form a habit out of it, it’s very hard to break.

“I got them from someone,” I began, cautiously. “I only take them whenever I feel overwhelmed. I swear,” that too was a lie. I took any kind of form of pill whenever I felt it was necessary, which meant much more often that advised. Jean’s eyes were boring into mine, his Amber challenging my weird mix of bluish green sharply. 

“No fuck that, I’m telling Armin and Mikasa about this,” he said turning on his heel and preparing to walk towards the great fire. My heart began to fall, immediate panic erupting inside me.

“No Jean don’t!” I yelled grasping a bit tighter than I had meant to on his wrist, causing him to whirl around. He tried to fight against my hold, but it was firm. “Jean please _don’t_. Don’t tell them, they don’t need to know about this. Please,” I was groveling, my friends could not know what was happening behind closed doors.

Jean attempted fumbling his wrist from me but I was locked on, determined to not let him proceed with his mission. “Alright Eren stop,” he began turning himself completely facing me. I felt the tension in his wrist relax as he lowered it to his side. “It’s obvious something else is going on here.”

“What are you talking about?”

He exhaled, shaking his head as if it was stupid of me to not know what he was talking about. “For starters, you haven’t been to class in weeks and if the class is blessed with your rare attendance, you’re completely incoherent and sluggish.” I didn’t think it was that bad. “Then, it’s like you don’t even care about football anymore, you haven’t played one fucking game this whole season. You used to be all about ‘work hard play hard’ and now look at you. That should be you the coaches and team is honoring at this bonfire but they’re not, you let them replace you.” He looked over to the field and pointed in the direction of it to further emphasize his point. “Oh, and let’s not forget that the clothes you bring back to me smell disgusting. Did you really think I wouldn’t notice that? They reek of either weed or cigarettes!” He had snatched his hand away from me in order to use them to dramatize his speech, wailing them around.  

“I didn’t want to say anything at first; I figured it was just you dealing with what happened with your mom but now this?” He held up the bottle causing my eyes to flicker towards it. “What the fuck is going on with you?” He demanded, voice taking on several different octaves with just that sentence.

My mouth remained shut; palms starting to moisten from the direct accuse being thrown into my face. My heart was starting to beat irregularly; my armpits were beginning to perspire. “I thought we had a deal,” I said through gritted teeth. Wasn’t it him who specifically said he would not tell anyone of my adventures into drugs as long as I complimented him? Where did that sense of loyalty go?

Jean scoffed, throwing his head back, “Fuck the deal! It doesn’t matter when we’re dealing with a possible addiction.”

I was about to burst, “I am NOT an addict!” I exploded on him. He didn’t back down.

“Then what is this!? Why are you smoking? Why are you popping pills? Why are you trying so hard to avoid my simple questions right now?”

“They’re not simple! Things are complicated alright?”

“Then do explain in fine detail!” He shot back just as hot headed.

“I don’t need to tell you shit!”

“Then maybe it’s time I start telling other people some shit!”

I couldn’t take it anymore, my mind was racing with frustration at his complete stubbornness. This is why Jean and I were never meant to mix; two hot heads don’t fit well together. It was science. “Why do you care so fucking much?”

To this, Jean stopped, all erratic movements leaving him. He was still, standing tall in front of me, body emanating with absolute aura of a man who had been pissed the fuck off. Someone that had been pushed too far in one night. “Okay you know what? You need to open up your fucking eyes Jaeger.”

I blinked, cocking my head back. “Excuse me?”

He brought both hands up, placing them on his temples and scrunched up his face with pure agitation before continuing. “You think I’m the only one who’s worried about you? News flash, I’m not, everyone is. Mikasa is always going on about what she should do about you. She’s always worried sick about you because you’re constantly disappearing and never telling anyone where the hell you’re going or when you’re coming back. She thinks you’re just going to up and leave her.”

Leave her? That was impossible, she was the one who was leaving me, choosing to always be with Annie. “She’s always with Annie.” I said, voice sounding meek. Jean rolled his eyes.

“That’s her girlfriend you idiot, of course she would be with her on a regular basis. Especially considering it’s not like she has a brother to go to anymore.” That hurt, I felt it in the depths of my soul.

“I didn’t mean to—” Jean put up a hand to silence me.

“Save it because I’m not fucking done. Then there’s Armin. Do you think he’s dumb Eren? If anybody, he’s the one who noticed you acting weird in the first place. And when he tried to help you back when you stopped eating, you snapped on him. He felt horrible, like shit, and since then he’s decided to just pull back and try to act normal. He thinks that you’ll outgrow this phase, so he doesn’t say a word. No one does, nobody but me because I’m the only one who has enough guts to.”

I had nothing to say. I knew Jean was being merciless, throwing everything he had at me willing me to understand but I couldn’t offer the same back. I didn’t know they both cared so much. I didn’t know they even noticed. I didn’t know I was causing everyone so much pain.

“You know, sometimes I envy the hell out of you Eren.” Jean began, he was looking me in the eyes speaking quietly. “Armin pays attention to you, so much attention to you. He’s more concerned about what’s going on with you than what’s even happening between us. We’re crumbling apart, and it’s like he doesn’t even care. He only cares about you,” He pointed a finger at me sucking back his lip into his mouth.

I had no idea why, but only one thing came to my mind that I felt needed to be asked. “Do you think I’m a bad person Jean?” It was the same question I had asked Levi earlier. I don’t know why but, for some reason Jean’s opinion meant something to me right now. It meant a lot.

“What?” He asked me, confused.

“Just answer please,” my voice sounded so pitiful. But I couldn’t help it. Jean sighed lightly.

“No Eren, I don’t think you’re a bad person. You’re just an idiot, a thick headed idiot. But I will say this much,” he tossed me back the pill bottle and I caught it with my right hand. “If you keep up with these secrets, you’re going to end up with nobody.”

He turned, walking away from me back towards the roaring embers erupting from the fields. I looked down to the bottle in my hand. He was wrong; I wouldn’t end up all alone. There would be one person left to stand by my side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jean lays down the law, FINALLY! please write comments, questions, anything! I'd love to read what you have to say!


	12. Saintes Femmes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing makes sense around both Levi and Hanji

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pulp Fiction is one of my favorite movies so i couldnt resist

_“And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay vengeance upon thee!”_

Several gunshots rang out, loud and violating my ear drums causing me to recoil backward, twisting my head away. I felt the rumble of his chest and next his individual hair strands brushing against my cheek as he lowered his head to my ear from behind.

“Eren you’ve seen this scene a million fucking times. Why are you being gun shy now?” Levi whispered in my ear, obviously teasing me. I smiled, squeezing the fingers he had enlaced in mine tighter and squirmed in his lap.

“It’s not that, I just cringe every time you attempt to quote the movie,” I joked poking fun at him. This was Levi’s favorite film; he didn’t even have to tell me for me to find that out. He had it playing enough for me to just know.

He pulled back releasing one of my hands and bringing up a finger to me, “I thought we agreed to you not being a little shit when it came to _Pulp Fiction._ This is about the only damn movie I can tolerate Samuel L. Jackson and his obnoxious acting in.”

I grimaced; thinking of how horrible he was in the movie _Snakes on a Plane_ and thanked God Levi had not chosen to be in love with that film. I didn’t think I could stand to hear him quote repeatedly that god awful line ‘I have had it with these mother fuckin’ snakes on this mother fuckin’ plane!’ time and time again. I would have to kill him.

I looked back to the movie and scrunched up my face, “Well if you’re gonna rag on him, let’s not skip over Vincent’s character. John Travolta looks terrible,” and I meant it. That greased up ponytail did him no justice in the looks department. I laid my head back, resting it against his lower stomach and cradled myself there.

“So what,” he replied bringing his face down, looming over me making me smile up at him. “It’s not his cock that you have to suck,” a small smile crept up on his face and I couldn’t help but laugh a bit, shaking my head softly.

“Levi, was that you trying to be romantic?” I asked.

“No. If I used my charm on you you’d be trembling all over these sheets begging me to make love to you slow,” his voice was so deadpanned I couldn’t possibly take him seriously. Levi being a romantic was something I could see but only very vaguely. He lowered his head downward, kissing my lips and I relished in it feeling my heart skip. I didn’t think that sensation would ever stop, no matter how many time his lips had danced with mine. When he pulled apart I stared at him wide eyed.

“I’m just saying, _Hot Fuzz_ is funnier than this movie,” I added airily. To this, Levi sighed deeply rolling his eyes dramatically and began to shift, as if to toss me out of his lap.

“No! That is a _horrible_ British comedy that has nothing but lame ass jokes and a terrible plotline! I seriously don’t even understand how Simon Pegg still has a career,” I loved doing this, watching him get worked up and spark to life, defending something he cared about. It was adorable watching him get all riled up.

“Yeah well in _Pulp Fiction_ everyone talks funny, the camera angles are weird, and what’s up with the gigantic dinosaur phones?” I pointed at the screen proving my point as someone flipped out a brick sized cell phone.

“It was made in 1994!” He hollered, bringing his arms out and stilling them in the air as if making a ‘duh’ pose. I laughed hard, flipping myself in his lap and crawling up to him. I kissed the tip of his nose, throwing him off guard and wrapped my arms around his neck, lowering us both down on the pillow.

“I know, I’m just fucking with you,” I grinned. It took a moment, but the warmhearted gaze was returned.

“You little shithead,” the sound of laughter played on his voice. “I almost kneed you in the balls.”

I smirked at him lowering my eyelids, “Why does you kicking my ass always sound so hot?”

His arms came up and wrapped around my neck as holding me closer as he whispered, “Because you’re fucked up in the head. But don’t worry, we both are,” he pulled me closer and kissed me hard, not holding back and I melted into him.

So we lay there, cuddled up together cozy in his bed, bodies facing one another, my head resting upon his and watching the rest of the movie. We had taken a few breaks in between the film to make-out as any functional couple would, I would never complain about that. The first beginning half of the movie was just wrapping up before I finally felt it was appropriate to speak up again.

“Have you ever OD’d before?” In the movie, Uma Thurman had been sniffing cocaine on a regular basis. At one point, she accidentally took far too much in a single night and the drug proved too powerful. Levi shook his head quickly, denying the question.

“Hell no. I’ve been high off my ass to the point of passing out but never have I tripped out like that before.” His voice had gained a bit of life when answering that, losing its usual drag of non emotion that lithium gave him.

I creaked my head backward, angling my it lower and looking down into his grey eyes that were focused on me. “Have you ever done those kinds of drugs before? You know, outside of just prescription drug medication?” His eyebrow rose questionably.

“Why, you curious to see that side?” His grey sharp eyes were holding mine intensely, awaiting an answer. There was something in his eyes that was different than normal; I thought I saw a gleam of danger. To be more precise, I saw devilry. I was dismayed; I had never seen Levi look so intimidating as he eagerly awaited my answer. His eyes reminded me of an animal challenging prey.

“No,” I said yielding underneath those orbs. That didn’t mean my curiosity wasn’t piqued. “What did it feel like taking them?” I knew in that moment, I was a child falling right into a trap. If Levi was the devil, I was walking willingly into his temptation as I had to know what the experience was like. I knew he had walked it once, I could tell from the anticipation in his eyes. They told me everything.

“You feel invincible,” his voice had left his mouth sounding unusual to my ears. I had asked him about a drug, and yet he was speaking as if he were reminiscing about a fond person he held dear. His hold weakened on me; his left arm slid itself to the bed on the side of my head as he began to sit up. “Indestructible, as if you own the earth and people walk it only because you allow it.” My arms had fallen from him, his leg shifted, finding itself on the other side of mine, straddling me as he lowered himself on top of me. He was pinning me, I felt my body squirm under him and the heat he was radiating, he came down, placing an angel kiss on my neck causing me to gasp lightly. The heat was rising inside me, my cock was starting to tingle in my pants at his weight on it. The atmosphere in the room had changed, suddenly everything he said sounded so erotic.

“You are everything you have always wanted to be and more. You feel energized, like you can take on anybody, even Bruce Lee, and come out on top because you are fucking _unstoppable_. You’re perfect, you’re beautiful, you’re whole...” He stopped, voice trailing off, the feverish look in his eyes disappearing and being replaced by distant, glazed over orbs. “When it’s over you feel like shit. You just want to feel that kind of happiness—that _euphoria_ again and you’ll do anything to get it. Even steal from people who love you…”

His eyes were back, no longer glassy and unreadable but now filled with somber. Regret. “Levi?” I asked concerned, bringing up my hands to cup his face gently. He jumped a bit at my touch then looked down at me, as if he had forgotten I was there despite his sexual position on me. After looking at my face for some time, he finally kept going snapping out of whatever memory he had gotten trapped in.

“I try and stay away from that kind of stuff now. It made me the happiest I had ever been in a long time but,” he shook his head, “it just fucks me up,” he finished the last part sounding like some sort of after school special summing up his real story.

The movie was still playing, providing us with nice background noise as he remained quiet. I had noticed we were one of those couples that enjoyed silence, comfortable ones where we could just enjoy being around each other. It was different from anything I had ever experienced.

“Are you just going to keep staring at me like I’m one of those abandoned puppies on the commercials or are you going to talk to me?” He whipped at me quirkily. Air escaped my nostrils and a tiny smile overcame my lips.

“Sorry,” I said shaking my head and bringing my hands up to hold his hips.

He shrugged his shoulders, “No need to apologize. Getting up close and personal is what you’re supposed to do, you’re my boyfriend after all,” he sounded so causal about it. I knew I was the younger one here, anyone would’ve known it from the heat building up on my cheeks. Levi noticed this and titled his head to the side. “I don’t get you. You’ve fucked my brains out, had my dick demolish you and yet you still blush when I say small stuff like that.”

My lips went tight, I tried holding back a goofy grin, “I can’t help it, you just make me…happy.”  

His eyes widened a bit at my proclamation, this was a rare moment where for once I could not read what emotion was running through his mind. He almost appeared as if he were experiencing every possible emotion all at once and didn’t know which one to settle on. Finally, his eyelids lowered and he lifted his upper half, hands leaving the sides of my head and settling on my hands on his hips, fingers interlocking with mine. He smiled faintly, “I’m glad I can make someone happy.” His voice sounded grave, and once again I had no idea what could have been running through that maze of a mind. It was compelling, I thought back to that day in the bathroom and remembered how he had called himself an asshole blatantly putting himself down. It was clear he did not have a positive self image. It’s sad, when you can look at someone and see how beautiful they truly are despite the things they call imperfections. I just wished he could see what I saw in him.

“Hey,” I began lightly shaking his hips along with our enlaced hands. “I have a suggestion aaaand I really want you to hear me out.” He raised a suspicious eyebrow, angling his head funnily.

“I’m listening,” he responded.

“Well,” I began glancing elsewhere quickly before averting my eyes back up to him. “Because of you, I’m actually starting to have a somewhat decent thing going on with Grisha.” As smooth as it had been going, I still refused to call him my dad. He had not earned that title by a long shot. “I can talk to him, we can actually hold conversations without me blowing up on him or wanting to rip his head off. You kept pushing me to try and build something, anything outside of my blinding rage and it’s working.” I stopped and shuffled underneath him a bit uncomfortable. I was getting nervous, my mouth was starting to dry and my hands were feeling clammy. I took a deep breath and continued.

“Anyway, Grisha is having a family dinner at my house in a few weeks. Um, anyone is invited—he wants to make things fun for me and Mikasa you know?” His eyes never left mine, awaiting me to finish my jumbled sentence. “Uhh, and I’m inviting Armin over and he’s probably bringing Jean and Mikasa might bring her girlfriend Annie and I was wondering…” why was my heart banging so hard? “If you would go with me. To my house. To meet my family. And friends. As my boyfriend.”

I was being so awkward it was absolutely embarrassing. Why did I always have to be so jittery around him? For Pete’s sake I could fuck the man with all my being but asking him to do something so delicate with me was just so…so…weird. We had never talked about meeting each other’s friends, family, no one. Outside of him making that comment about his crazy lady friend that one time. This was a big step, a _huge_ step but it needed to be done. This way, my friends would no longer be left out of the loop as to where I was going all the time. This way, he could understand how important he was to me that I wanted him to meet people I cared for deeply. This way, we could go even further to expand our relationship.

He was silent, completely speechless just staring blankly down at me, blinking several times. The grip he held on my hands had gone limp, his fingers were loosening. Oh my God code red! He was going to say no! He was about to dump me! He was about to—

“Sure why not,” he said with one simple nod. I felt like my ears were spewing lies to me.

“Just like that? No complaining? No asshole sarcasm?” This was almost too good to be true, there had to be some twist to this.

“Well I mean, it’s not like I _want_ to sit around a bunch of snotty underage brats all night but if it means something to you, then I’ll suck it up.” Of course, he would try to undermine the importance of it with a line like that. “I’ve never actually been invited to meet a parent before.”

“Never?” I asked. His eyes narrowed.

“That’s what I fucking said, yeah. I mean look at me, I’m not exactly parental material.” He put on a mocking voice and began speaking. “Hi Mr. Jaeger and all Eren’s underage friends, my name is Levi. Did you know Eren and I smoke weed every day? I even got him into cigarettes and drugs! I’m teaching him how to suck dick, I think I did a good job. Oh and by the way, I fuck his asshole raw on several occasions. He’s a real screamer.”

Good lord, if he said any of that to my friends I would die of hysteria then maybe consider running for my life after getting over their priceless faces. “You know what, they don’t even know I’m gay yet. Only Jean does. Actually, Jean is the only one I’ve been telling everything for the most part.” I was going on and on and didn’t noticed Levi grumbling low above me until he quaked on my dick, causing a shiver to go up my spine and my sentence to halt.

“Okay who is this Jean boy and should I be jealous or no?” He asked me snappily. I guess I had been talking about Jean a lot. I told him about how it was his clothes I was wearing, how he was the only one who knew of my drug adventures, and how he had lectured me a few nights ago at the bonfire.

“Trust me, the day Jean and I ever do _anything_ remotely close to even hand holding, giants will walk the earth and start eating people like gummy bears.”

“What kind of analogy was that?” Levi asked.

“Hmm, I don’t know it just came to me. Remember that one time we smoked that new stuff called blue dream?” I asked him.

“You mean yesterday?” Oh. Wow, my mind really was turning to mush like those commercials always said.

“That was when I got the visuals. It was crazy,” and it really was. People running scared of gigantic naked people. It was intense, that weed had me completely tripping out.

“Did you like that stuff?”

“Yeah, it was my favorite so far.” With that being said he climbed off me, rather slid off very slickly and opened up his drawer scrambling around for something. He pulled out his cell phone. “What are you doing?” I asked.

He stood, one hand holding the phone to his ear while the other was crossed and resting on his phone wielding arm. “I’m calling that weird friend. She’s the one who sells me all my shit, it was her idea to get that new stuff.” Levi began walking around the room, pacing as he waiting for someone to answer the phone. Finally, with his back turned to me his call got through. The first thing he did was pull the phone far away from his ear and all I could hear were incoherent excited shouts from the girl on the other line. After a few moments he brought the phone back to him. “Don’t blow my fucking ear off crazy, I kind of like being able to hear.” He snapped back into the phone, but not as though he were truly mad. More like teasing.

The woman on the phone must’ve been in a loud setting because Levi raised up his free hand and plugged his ear squinting his eyes, making it so that he could hear the woman. “Look I need to make a visit.” A pause. “No birdbrain this is not a regular visit to just ‘say hi’ I need to pick up some stuff.” More muttered talking was heard through the phone. “Don’t lie; you’re always carrying supply around with you. What time is your shift done?” I watched him turn on his heel, glancing toward the clock which read 12:22am. Who in the world would still be working at this hour? “Alright I’ll be on my way in a few minutes. By the way, I’m bringing a friend with me.” I couldn’t quite hear what was being said from the woman but whatever she was saying, it had Levi wrinkling up his face uncomfortably. “Yes Hanji, _him_.” Were they talking about me?

Levi was shuffling through the closet, rolling his eyes at whatever the Hanji lady was saying to him while still managing to have that disturbed look on his face. Finally, after enduring whatever she was saying to him he spoke up fast, “I don’t know why you have strange daydreams about my life like that but stop. It’s pretty fucking creepy. We’ll be there in ten.” He pulled the phone back quickly pressing the end button. He threw on the black leather jacket around his shoulders and put the phone inside. He turned and looked to me glancing at my confused form.

“What are you deaf? Get dressed; we’re making a quick run.” It was like my brain was not registering his words. “Earth to brat? Respond quickly before force is used.”

I shook my head snapping out of it, “Sorry!” I sprung out of bed attempting to make myself look presentable. “Where are we going?”

“Someplace I’m sure you’ve never been before.” He commented wiping a hand over his face. I narrowed my eyes at him.

“Why do you always have to speak in riddles?” He shrugged his shoulders.

“They’re not riddles, you’re just overanalyzing everything I say.” After he spoke I kept on fumbling with my clothes before grabbing at my jacket and glancing up at him.

“So wait, you told your friend about me?” I was still amazed by it. I didn’t think Levi had told anyone about us and the thought of him doing it was swelling my heart with affection.

“I said a few things here and there,” he admitted walking out of the room. I followed him mimicking him in putting on my shoes. “Look, I already told you Hanji is weird and shit but brace yourself. We’re not about to walk into your typical 9 to 5 job.”

As usual, I had no idea what the hell that meant. It showed on my face I’m sure because Levi smirked a tad bit. “You’ll see.”

 

He was right. He was absolutely right. Whatever this strange place was, it sure as hell was not the image I had formed in my mind. It was pretty fucking far from it.

“Excuse me!” A lady spoke quickly into my ear. Before I could even side step out of her way a massive clump of feathers swiped me in the face leaving me a spitting mess of colorful confusion. I stumbled backward, eyes closed and swiping at my face still feeling the tingle of feather. I would have fallen directly onto someone’s table had a strong arm not caught me.

“Could you not act like a twelve year old? It took everything for me to convince the bouncers not to ID you,” Levi sternly reminded me pulling me closer to him.

“How can I not?! Do you see this place right now? That girl just hit me in the face with a peacock tail!” To my testament, Levi rolled his eyes pulling us over towards seats at the bar. He pulled me forward and sat me down hard on the stool.

“Just sit here and look pretty. Don’t talk to anybody, one word out of your mouth and they’ll think you’re not a day over fifteen. I’m going to go find Hanji.” And just like that he abandoned me, leaving me alone and defenseless against the crowd pouring into the doors. Because Levi had known this Hanji lady, he walked us straight to the front door skipping over the snake like line completely to get into this club. You could imagine the loads of dirty stares we received.

As I sat alone at the bar, my eyes wandered around the facility. The walls were painted a crimson red, with lights handing down from the ceiling dimly lit only allowing me to see shadows of other visitor’s faces. Painting decorated the dark walls, often multicolored cubism works that seemed to be crafted into women of all different shapes. Above the stage written in cursive was the name of the club ‘ _Saintes Femmes_ ’ in blinking white lights. I had no clue what that even meant.

Among the center of the room were numerous different small round tables, a soft candle light belonging to each with two black cushiony seats surrounding it. And finally, there was a stage, plat formed higher up than the rest of the room yet still within everyone’s field of vision. To put it bluntly, we looked like we were in the VIP room I had only seen in strip clubs in movies. I had never been to one myself before.

“Hey, can I get you something to drink?” I whirled around in the cushioned seat to come face to face with the bartender. He was a man, clearly despite having mildly long fabulous hair that hung over his eyes. He was wearing a leather vest, sleeveless with exposed arm muscles for everyone to see. On his head was a top hat, and on his neck was a small bowtie to accompany the look.

“Umm,” I began not knowing what the hell to say. “That’s okay, thanks though,” I was nodding my head showing my thanks and went back to skewering my eyes all over the growing population. Strange but, most of them seemed to be men. And from the looks of it, gay men. “Do you guys usually get any women customers?”

“Sometimes, but it’s kind of rare. They don’t usually like this kind of scene,” The man, who was working on cleaning a glass, stopped and looked at me smirking, “First timer huh?” He asked. I nodded. He laughed a bit and continued on, “Yeah I can tell. Don’t worry, just relax and enjoy the show, you’ll love it here. Everyone’s really friendly. Just remember, don’t call anyone Mr. or Sr.”

“Why not?” I asked not quite getting his hint. He just shrugged.

“If working here has taught me one thing, it’s that not everyone likes to be referred to as a man. Some people here don’t identify with it.” I thought about it, even though I was gay I still thought of myself as a man. “You’ll see what I’m talking about in a few minutes, trust me.” He added smiling nicely. I couldn’t help but smile back as he was a pleasant guy.

“Thanks…”I stopped to search and read off his nametag. “Mike.”

“No problem uhh,” he stopped making a face indicating he didn’t know what to address me as.

“Oh it’s Eren.”

“Wait. Eren Jaeger?” He asked pointing a finger at me. I rose an eyebrow and tilted my head not understanding how it was he knew me but nodded anyway. “You’re pretty famous around here.”

I felt like I was hearing things. “Wait what? How? I’ve never even been here,” suddenly that drink wasn’t sounding too bad. Mike just laughed.

“One of the employees has been talking about you a lot. She just keeps going on and on about how she’s so excited to meet her best friend’s boyfriend.” Best friend? Levi had only called her a friend but she called him her best friend? These two were confusing me already and I had not even met the woman yet.

“Yeah that sounds like the whack job I know,” the familiar voice I had etched into my brain spoke next to my ear causing me to jump a bit. Levi coolly came up near me, creating a breeze as he brushed past and hopped into the seat next to me. Mike upon seeing Levi grew a wide smile.

“Levi, it’s good to see you again. It’s been what, two weeks?” He joked causing Levi to blow air from his nose and shake his head.

“Actually one and a half but it’s all the same,” he sat forward on the counter and in the creepiest way ever turned his head slowly towards me. “Eren, I thought I told you not to talk to anybody. I’m a jealous type you know,” his tone was deadpan and it was hard to tell whether or not he was playing games with me. Mike interrupted our moment laughing causing me to shift my eyes at him.

“Don’t worry, I’m not gay,” he waved it off but I still wasn’t sure if Levi was kidding or not. I didn’t want to cause another moment of chaos between us like that panic attack incident.

I turned to him quickly leaning close, “Levi I would never—I wouldn’t cheat on you! I can’t even imagine doing that to you! I couldn’t—” he stopped me by swiftly taking me by the arm and pulling me closer. I fell into him harshly, his chest was so toned. He snaked a hand under my chin and snapped it upward guiding me upward into a kiss; it was hungry, sweet, rough, and delicate all at once. He took the breath right out of me.

He pulled back and looked me deep in the eyes, I honestly had forgotten there were other people in the room let alone Mike who we just did that in front of. “I know you wouldn’t brat,” his thumb swiped at my lower lip. “Now shut up, the show is starting.” He pointed towards the stage and sure enough, all the lights had dimmed except one centering on the bright royal purple curtain covering the stage. Everyone was silent, the crowd no longer chattering amongst themselves. Every single eye was glued to the stage awaiting for the show to be held, even Levi remained quiet eyes fixed on stage.

_I live for passion and raw experience…_

A woman, a woman’s voice had overtaken the silence swimming through the air. It was so soft, yet so seductive that even I could not resist it. The curtains were being pulled upward, slowly almost as if the lift itself were teasing the crowd. The stage was revealed, seven women stood with their backs turned, wearing long black mermaid dresses, tied with red corset strings in the back. They had rather large curly hairstyles, each woman a different shade of hair and skin. In each woman’s hand, they held a rather large fan composed of a mix of black and read feathers with studs throughout it. They looked divine, like absolute vixens.

The music began, smooth like jazz music, captivating the audience as all the women began moving in sync sexily. They swayed, ran their hands over themselves, rocking their hips to the beat, they didn’t look like they belonged in clothes. They used the fans, flipping them with fast flicks of the wrist over themselves, they did look absolutely hot. Suddenly, they tossed the fans off the side of the stage all at once, angling their bodies so that the audience could fully see them. Teasingly, they brought their hands up over themselves, running it through their legs seductively before landing on their dress and just like that, they zipped them off revealing they practically had nothing on underneath but thongs, high heels and tassels over their nipples. The crowd went wild, men standing up and applauding. I clapped too, really into it.

“I think I might be straight now,” I joked leaning over to Levi and whispering in his ear. He looked to me and for the first time in my life, I witnessed Levi smile. I’m talking about a full on Cheshire cat smile. My eyes widened, he really was having a good time tonight. Either that or something was horribly wrong.

“Are you sure about that Eren? Are you _really_ sure about that?” Something was hysterical to him, it was all over in his eyes. I didn’t understand, I looked back to the stage trying to understand just a fragment of what he was talking about and— _oh my god._

Those were not women up there. They were men. Men dressed up as women in thongs and high heels and freaking nipple tassels. So that’s what Mike meant, these men referred to themselves as women, they didn’t identify as men. It was a gay bar. But wait, some of them actually had breasts up there. Was this a transsexual bar? Oh fuck it. The one time I thought I was having a complete hetero moment just to find out it was all lies. I was so homo. And I didn’t even care.

“Damn,” I complimented. Those men were fabulous and the crowd went even wilder when they all teased as if they were going to take off their thongs and reveal their ball sacks to the audience. Levi rested a hand upon my knee and trailed it upward causing me to shiver at his touch automatically.

“I’m jealous Eren, do you like those men better than me?” He was teasing me, it was evident but the way his breath danced coolly on my ear had me feeling the heat. His other hand had wrapped itself behind my head, holding my face firm by the hair closely. Why did he have to sound so hot right now? His voice was dripping with animalistic need and desire. Sex. This man was heroin, I could not get enough. I wanted to fuck him right now.

“No…” I uttered out closing the space between us and colliding our lips together. Both my hands were on his face holding him close to me, anything to keep him locked against me. His tongue was rubbing against mine, and with the hand he had on my knee he slipped it further up and gripped my cock causing me to moan deeply into the kiss. Thank goodness for the lights being so dimmed and for us sitting off towards the bar. I scooted myself closer, pushing my dick into his hand more and Levi in turn scooted himself onto my lap, rocking those hips perfectly to the beat grinding on me slow. So fucking slow it was agonizing.

“Hey! Not out here guys!” It was Mike, breaking through the haze and tearing down the wall Levi and I had created where only we existed. He took his lips from mine, breathing heavily onto my face, forehead resting against mine before turning his head over slowly to look at Mike.

“Fucking kill joy,” he didn’t sound rude, just out of breath.

“You alright?” I asked him drawing back a bit and looking into his eyes, trying not to get trapped again despite the sexy music playing in the background. He looked flushed, his skin was growing beads of sweat and he was coming off as a bit more savage than usual.

“I…I’m fine,” he insisted but I ignored it, bringing my hand up and touching his forehead. He was burning up.

“Levi, what the hell happened? You’re sweating.”

“Like a whore in church,” he said quite lazily giggling. His head was bobbing, constantly tilting back and forward repeatedly and his eyelids were getting heavy. “Hanji got me new shit! I took a molly. I popped a molly!” He hollered that and people actually started to look over at us funny. I slapped my hand over his mouth but he tore it off fast. “Eren, take off your pants now. I want to fuck you. Right here. Right now. On this bar.” He wrapped his arms lazily around the back of my neck. He bucked his hips and I had to hold back a moan. Good to see he wasn’t affected sexually. “I want this entire fucking club to know my name. You’re going to scream it and beg me to ride that cock… _fuck_ I want that cock…”

He started kissing away at my neck and roll his hips onto me. He was sucking hard and it took everything inside me not to give in to the temptation and pull him aside and let him fuck me. Everything in my soul. Just then, the crowd started to cheer heavily and I looked back to the stage seeing the burlesque dancers were done with their routine. I had thought it was over, but it couldn’t be. Where was Hanji? And now with Levi trashed how could I recognize her?

“Mike, is Hanji performing tonight?” I asked cradling the sweating Levi close to me in my lap.

“Of course that big nosed nut head is going! Be fucking patient Eren!” He was loud again. Mike looked to Levi then back to me.

“What he said yeah. She’s going up. Right about…now.” He nudged his head back towards the stage and I turned looking.

_Hot Damn._

Coming on stage there was a woman, _clearly_ a woman this time around. Wearing a long blood red dress with what had to be a large curly brown wig on too. She came strutting out onto stage with hands on hips, long black leather gloves extending up her arms. Her walk was pure confidence, no, it was the epitome of sex appeal. The music was ringing with sex, _Dirt_ by The Stooges, a classic.

_Ohh I been dirt and I don’t care…_

She came to the center of the stage stopping and admiring the crowd while the men whistled admiring her fierce, sexual walk. She smiled, mischievously into the crowd and pulled down her dress, wiggled right out of it, revealing her wearing nothing but strings underneath and tall red boots. Good lord.

“Yeahhh get it shitty glasses!” Levi suddenly burst out to my horror, luckily instead of odd looks the other gay men just hollered out with him playing along. Oh man that was close.

_I’m just a yearning inside and I’m the fire o’life…_

She was on the ground, legs parted wide as she touched herself seductively, feeling herself up as if she were alone in her bedroom. It was dirty, I honestly thought she was going to slip her hand below the strings and play with herself but she didn’t, only teased. She suddenly flipped onto her back, arching it and extending a leg high up in the air. She did it with the next, making bicycle movements to the beat. She had a great ass, the guys ate it up.

_Said do you feel it when you touch me?_

She had stripped off the gloves and was playing with them in between her legs, arching her head back as if she were getting pleasure. I couldn’t believe Levi used to hang out with this woman. How had he not fucked her before? She was clearly a vixen. She was grinding, practically naked on stage just rubbing herself against the floor slowly to the beat. The music was fading off in the background; the curtain was lowering, finally reaching the ground. I was clapping like a moron not standing though because of a crazy little man in my lap.

“Bet you’re happy you came huh?” Levi commented all slurred as he lay against my chest. Why did I feel like he was talking about himself?

We sat there for quite some time, just waiting patiently for Hanji to come out as Levi said she would. But then again, was his word really valid right now?

“Excuse me, can you come backstage? Hanji wants to see you both,” it was a guy with brown hair. He was about average looking but he did have a cute smile, he must’ve been her assistant.

“It’s about fucking time,” Levi said getting up and marching towards the back stumbling the entire way. I waved a goodbye to Mike and followed my short stump of a man every waddle of the way. For her to have been talking about me to everyone like she did, I only hoped she would like the real thing just as much.

 

The walk there should have only taken roughly about three minutes, but with Levi being completely incoherent and throwing out insults at every person we walked by, it took at least ten. We had finally made it to the backstage; we walked down a long corridor being escorted by the brown haired man who I had learned was named Moblit. He was a really nice guy, and any second we spoke too much Levi would step in aggressively grabbing my ass and glaring at him. He really was a jealous type, not that I disliked it. We had reached a room and Moblit knocked on it gently before I heard a woman’s singing voice of ‘come in’. He twisted the knob and we stepped inside one of the trippiest rooms I had ever seen in my life.

Vibrant colors were everywhere, tie dye tapestry were hung on the walls screaming in rainbow swirls. Weird looking masquerade masks we pinned around with her various flashy costumes scattered everywhere. It looked like her closet had thrown up. Random S and M pervert devices like whips and chains were on a shelf. The only normal thing in the room was her gigantic mirror which was rimmed with lights with adorable pictures of her and someone else. It was Moblit, they made an endearing couple.

“LEEEEEVI! EREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!” A wailing blasted into my ears freaking me the hell out. My head was jumping in every which direction trying to find the source of the voice. Levi only yawned and Molbit looked completely calm. What the hell was happening?

Suddenly arms were wrapped around me, _strong_ arms, far too strong to be the grip of a woman. They had somehow managed to lock all three of us into the death grip, Jesus I couldn’t breathe. “Can you not be a fucking weirdo for once in your crazy life?” Levi said, sounding strained by the hold.

“Hanji, you’re hurting us,” Molbit chipped in causing the woman to drop the three of us immediately with a ‘oops’ and I was the only one who fell flat on my butt. Now, I could finally see her up close and personal. This was Hanji, unlike on stage she was wearing glasses now and most of her wacky makeup had been removed. Despite that though, she was still wearing the same skimpy stage outfit. I could feel my face fluster.

“Molbit baby!” She pranced over to him giving him a hard kiss on the cheek and he only smiled, looking like he wanted to melt into it. “Thank you for bringing my friends back here sweetie! You’re the bestest,” she was rubbing her face against his cheek. Levi wasn’t kidding this chick was on a whole different level. After being all lovey dovey with him, she looked over to me and smiled warmly. “Hi Eren! Well aren’t you adorable, Levi wasn’t kidding when he said he caught a babe! Oh and look at your eyes,” she had walked over bending to get closer to my face, I reeled back as her breasts were practically touching my nose. Did she know personal space? She noticed my discomfort. “What’s the matter? Scared of women?” She was teasing me.

Levi scoffed, falling back onto the worm shaped couch she had in the room. “It’s probably your gorilla boobies that are scaring him. Move those gigantic jiggulators from his face,” he was high as a kite, was that even a word he just said? Hanji who was looking at him, directed her attention back to me.

“Oh these are scaring you?” She brought up both hands and palmed them both in each hand, jiggling them happily. “That’s a good thing, stare all you want I just got them done! They did a great job didn’t they?” She was so quirky. I didn’t know how to even respond.

“They move a lot more naturally than I thought they would. Usually fake boobs are shiiiiiiiiiiiit,” Levi chimed in completely ignoring how utterly insane this situation was. She snapped up smiling at him happily.

“Levi are you admitting my breasts look sexy?”

“They look something fierce!” Oh no, I needed that drug to wear off now before he said more embarrassing lines.

“The nipples even perk up like normal nipples! That’s my favorite part!” Did that even makes sense?

Levi brought out a lazy thumbs up, “Good for you shitty glasses. Goooooood for you.”

“Levi you’re being so civil tonight!” She whirled around to me excitably in a perfect twirl. “You want to touch them? They feel real I promise.” Her face was creepy; she was smiling and was so jolly and energetic about me touching her. What was happening? This room was a madhouse, she was a madwoman. This was crazy!

“Wouldn’t your boyfriend not like that?” I asked looking to Moblit behind her. Both of them laughed together.

“Touch the tit Eren!” Levi hollered from the couch throwing a fist up in the air. “Do it for the vine!” I wanted to choke him.

“Oh Moblit doesn’t care! He knows how excited I am about the sex change so I’m milking it while I still can.” Wait.

“WHAT!?” I shouted standing up. Did she just really say that? Really? REALLY!? She smiled ignoring my complete and utter confusion as I was clearly flabbergasted.

“Oh yeah, I’m a man. Correction, ‘was’ a man. I went in; they neutered me like a dog, gave me boobies and a coochi and now look at me! Couldn’t even tell could you?” She struck a pose to accentuate her new body and I felt my jaw drop. Levi was cackling quietly to himself unattractively like a loon.

“Ha ha ha…you said ballsss…” he was fucked up. This was fucked up. I had no problems with her being transgendered but…they did such a good job it was eerie.

“Let me go change and then I’ll be back out and we can talk alllll about it.” She didn’t even give me a chance to speak, she just switched her way to the small changing room. One thing was for sure, before she started this story I was going to need to sit down.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter we will have 'the talk' between Eren and Hanji!!! Stay tuned my lovelies!!!


	13. MDMA

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The question is, do you know what MDMA is?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so i decided to start tracking the tag 'fic: torture' so if anyone wants to post anything at all i will see it automatically.

I never realized how loud the sound of a ticking clock could be until I was sitting down in a silent room eagerly awaiting for something to happen. _Anything_ to happen. Moblit had left a while ago, saying that he needed to oversee things inside this penthouse. Levi had passed out the moment his stomach made contact with the couch abandoning me. It would have been cute seeing him with a gaping mouth sprawled out with messy hair had this situation not been so uncomfortable.

Hanji had returned, she was sitting across from me on the tube shaped couch this time donning an all white robe with _Saintes Femmes_ stitched into the right breast side. Her legs were crossed, coolly in front of her and in her right hand she held a small glass filled with what looked like whiskey. It made no sense, earlier she had been a ball of sugared up sunshine practically bouncing off the walls. Now she was quiet, calm, and peering at me sharply through the lenses of her glasses. I didn’t think there were words that could describe the aura this woman gave off.

“Levi is so adorable when he’s sleep isn’t he?” She remarked smiling warmly over at his lightly snoring form. I looked to him as well and felt a tiny smile naturally form on my face.

“He really is.”

“Yeah he’s always cute before he opens his mouth and you realize how offensive he is. He makes shit jokes you know! A grown man still making poop jokes,” she sounded entertained by her own musings but my eyes never left the tiny man dreaming away. His body gave a quick jolt before he shuffled himself into a new position.

“Yeah, he really is something huh?” that he was. Something that I would not want to rid myself of ever, no matter how vulgar he was. It was only something else to love about him.

“Careful Eren, if I didn’t know any better I’d say you were falling for him,” her words were taunting and held an air of playfulness. They hit my ears and shook me more than turbulence does to a plane. I whirled my head over to her and brought up my hands, waving off her words as feverously as I could.  

“Uh it’s not like that! I just like him a lot! Like a lot a lot. I don’t actually feel that way about him!” Right? That was right wasn’t it? Hanji lowered her drink from her mouth and sat forward putting one cheek in the palm of her hand and turning her head over.

“Sooo you’re saying you don’t have strong feelings for him?”

Fuck! It was almost like she hadn’t heard a word I had said; either that or she was purposely finding a way to twist them. “I do care! Levi is very important to me, he’s special.” I stopped talking and for some reason the next words just flowed, like they needed to come out. “I don’t think I’ve ever met someone like him before. He’s blunt, crude, merciless, private, a clean freak, and an asshole for days on end but I don’t care. I know most people would be offset by that but I like it. I love when he talks to me in that way, he doesn’t try to hide who he is at all he just opens up. I like it a lot. Yeah he can be a little coarse at times but he means well. He’s been there for me through some rough moments and its nice knowing I have him waiting to catch me if I fall. I know he would. I don’t think there’s much I wouldn’t do for him if he asked me, I’d do anything to stay by his side. To keep him happy. To see him smile.”

Somewhere along the way in my confession, I felt something…warm. I was holding my hands together and could not stop the goofy grin I had looking down upon them. My heart had been skipping just mentioning him and speaking about him so intimately. My face felt flustered, my ears felt hot and the pit of my stomach was tingling in a way I had never experienced before. And yet, it wasn’t a feeling I was against, in fact it was the opposite. I yearned for it.

“You said the word love,” Hanji said causing me to lift my head and lock eyes with her. Did I? I honestly hadn’t even noticed it just slipped out. But that didn’t mean I was in love with him. I think. Besides, even if I did feel that way about him I’m sure he didn’t feel that way back. That much I was positive of. “In any case, I’m glad you two found each other Eren, I really am. You two seem like a perfect match.” There she was again, smiling gingerly at me with every bit of a woman’s gentle approach. I felt my body ease up a bit, feeling more comfortable around her. But I was still trying to figure out how to bring up my real question.

“Thanks.” I had to press on. “So umm, how do you and Levi know each other? Were you guys…” I lied, the comfortable feeling had melted away like a chocolate bar in a dessert. She only blinked a few times like she was thrown off by my question. Then the roar of laughter started that I was sure shook the entire building.

I wasn’t prepared for it. She had gone from a calculating figure right back to the Looney Toon she was when I first met her. She was rolling all around, laughing so hard the whiskey was spilling from the rim of her glass it was being swished around so much. Her free hand was slapping down roughly at the couch and it almost sounded like the laugh of a completely insane person. What kind of creature was she?

“I..idiots…” a frazzled Levi snored out once again rolling and shifting his position. That molly must’ve been powerful because there was no way I would still be sleeping after this laugh had erupted. Finally, she had composed herself, coming up with light giggles and wiping more than a few tears from her eyes.

“Woo! That was a good laugh. Levi said you were funny but he didn’t say you were _that_ funny,” she went on snickering a bit more. I only raised an eyebrow; I didn’t even know Levi had thought I was funny.

“He never laughs at my jokes,” I said flatly being completely serious. She scoffed at me.

“Of course not! Doing that would break his pensive and brooding demeanor and God forbid he can’t have that! He’ll usually just brush you off with a ‘shut the fuck up’ or even a long blank stare. That’s when he’s really enjoying himself.”

“You know a lot about him,” I added in.

“I should. I’ve only known him for a good chunk of years.” She paused to take another swig of her drink, it was gone now. “And by the way hell no! Levi and I never went there before. Not saying that he’s not a hot little shorty but he’s not the one for me.” Hearing her vocalize this out loud was a relief for me as I did not have to worry about not being as attractive as yet another ex of his. Damn him and all these good looking people he knew.

“Did you guys meet here? Like, were you giving him a lap dance or something and then you guys just broke out and became buddies?” I was genuinely curious as I still could not understand how someone so vibrant and bubbly could end up being friends with someone so abrasive as him. It really should become one of the world’s seven wonders because it certainly was a mystery.

Hanji put down the glass on the floor next to her foot before curling her legs up, crossing her legs over one another like a pretzel. She ran a hand through her now toned down hair before wiping at her face, “No, our story goes way back to before I was even working here. Before I had even made up my mind about becoming a woman or not. It was Levi’s idea you know. He was always the one slapping me upside the head and telling me to ‘stop being a pussy’” she put up air quotations as she quoted him. She was smiling faintly, and it was evident from the lost gleam in her eyes that she had somehow checked out of the present and into the past.

“He told me that I shouldn’t feel ashamed about not feeling comfortable in my own skin and to forget about what everyone else thought because they didn’t fucking matter. He braced me for the hate I would receive. Before I actually decided we both sat down and mapped out all the possible challenges I would face, all the discrimination and disgust. I almost backed out because I was too scared, I wasn’t ready to be hated by people who didn’t even know me, to have little kids being told to look away as I walked down the street… but Levi always encouraged me to keep pushing on.” She stopped speaking, and somewhere along the tale her legs had come up allowing her to wrap her hands around her knees cradling them to her chest. Her head rested on top of said knees and she glanced at me affectionately.

“He really is a wonderful person. Underneath all that rough exterior and nasty vocabulary lies a passionate man who never gives up on people, even when they’re at their lowest.”

I was speechless. All I could manage to do was visualize this caring Levi that Hanji had drawn out for me and spoke so fondly of. I imagined him giving her pep talks in his own creative way, him giving her strength. Then, I thought about how Levi had been giving that to me all this time. Just like he did with my mom. He even tried to help pick me back up when it came to my mom. If words wouldn’t work, he was attempting to do it with drugs, anything to help me drown out my sorrow and feel happy again like I had desperately wanted. He really did care.

“Oh silly me!” Hanji said shaking her head then palming at her forehead. “You asked me how we met didn’t you? Sorry I got sidetracked for a bit.” Once she appeared to have gotten herself together she started talking again. “Alright let’s see…okay! You see years ago, back when I had a wiener, I was going to school to be a pharmacist. It was my job to work behind the counter and whenever we had a customer, I was in the back filling up whatever their prescription was and handing it out to them. People came in all the time, it was actually a really annoying job no fun at all. Until one day our favorite little midget paid a visit.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at name picking on his height. Especially when Levi seemed to grumble in his sleep after the words left her mouth. I was seriously starting to wonder if he could hear us, but ignored the thought and leaned in close listening intently to the recollection.

“I remember it like it was yesterday. Levi waltzed in like a tough guy and dropped down his paperwork by his therapist. I remember being baffled as to why a doctor would prescribe one person so much stuff but the second he started talking I understood it. He was crazy.”

“Wait,” I said bringing up a halting hand interrupting her. “Did you just say therapist?”

“Yeah,” she said it so passively, like that was a normal statement.

“When did Levi go to therapy? Is there something I’m missing out on here?” Her eyelids seemed to lower and the line of her mouth straightened out.

“So he told you about the accident but he didn’t give you any details did he?”

“No,” I admitted. Not a single thing. “Can you…do you think you could tell me?” I knew it was a stupid question to ask but it was worth a shot.

“Nope,” she said smacking her lips on the pronunciation. “That’s not my story to tell. Don’t worry; it’s very personal for him, only people he truly trusts know about it completely.”

“Oh I understand.”No, I really didn’t. But this wasn’t the time nor the place to begin on that matter.

“But anyway, so here’s Levi at the counter throwing all kinds of insults at me to hurry up, calling me the infamous ‘shitty glasses’ and just being an unpleasant person all together. I hated him with a fiery passion in my gut for months and dreaded the day he walked in all the time. Till one day, I had to take a smoke break. You see I’m not exactly as innocent as I look.” I never thought she was innocent to begin with. “Instead of smoking cigarettes I would go out to the back to smoke weed. I have no idea how people didn’t know but for some reason no one ever found me out till one day I opened up the back door and there was Levi. On sight, we both started bickering and I threatened the hell out of him not to tell anyone but he just brushed me off saying ‘no one fucking cares anyway’. So I sat there, smoking getting high and we started talking. That was the first time I witnessed up close how warped his mind was, probably the moment I realized I was crazy too because I started to think he was a cool person. I then realized he wasn’t really an asshole he was just an ass.”

I blinked a few times. “Hanji that makes no sense.” She just winked.

“Ahh but it does. Eren stop interrupting! One more time and I’ll make you go out there and perform!” That put the fear of God in me.

“Sorry!” I said quickly not wanting that fate upon myself at all.

She only cleared her throat and pressed on. “So that was it. Every day I would walk out there and smoke and he would show up, we would share it. He would vent to me, often about his life and I would too. We just kind of clicked. The more I talked to him though, the darker I saw he was. I would listen to him speak, often times he would express the pain he felt, his own inner anguish, regrets. One day he told me the story about the car accident, I don’t know why he picked me to tell but he did. That was when things changed. I felt like I had to take care of him in some sort of way, he was clearly alone and I think I was his only friend since…yeah. He told me he was overtaking the drugs and instead of ratting him out I felt sorry for him. I knew they were the only thing to make him feel good, like he was going to be okay. I started sneaking some extra pills in his bottles, giving him some on the side, anything. I just wanted to see him happy, it was a last whim resort. It wasn’t long after that I quit that job, Levi had convinced me to do so and I went off and pursued another dream filled with danger. That’s how I ended up here dancing, it was what I really had a calling for.”

Listening to this tale for some reason had the hair on my arms standing up. So that was it. Hanji had seen the real him and discovered that Levi could have no real happiness and the only way to create it was through drugs. How completely sad.

“What about the other drugs?” I asked her throwing her off guard.

“What?”

“I mean like tonight, you gave him a molly. That’s not a prescription drug that’s hardcore shit.”

She smacked her lips like the answer was obvious. “Eren, I work in a burlesque strip club. Do you know what it means when us ladies say we’re going to ‘powder our noses?’” I hadn’t but suddenly the answer was dawning upon me. “We have to get our courage to grind on that stage somehow, our pussies are practically hanging out! Well, whoever _has_ one but that’s not the point! You’d be surprised how much drugs influence the dancing industry.”  

I brought up a finger pointing at her, “So, you do them too?”

“On occasion, I told you I wasn’t innocent. Are you judging me? Planning on calling the police on us?” I was starting to freak out again as her voice had gone menacingly low.

“No! I would never!” I burst out making her laugh.

“Relax, I’m just fucking with you,” she said laughing loudly all over again. Never mind what I said before, now I see why her and Levi were friends. They both had a sadistic sense of humor.

She got up suddenly and reached behind the couch, pulling out a small black bag that looked like what people use for toiletry items when traveling. She tossed it to me and I caught it, football reflexes helping me out. I started down at it puzzled and when I unzipped it, I saw everything. Inside there was a stash of various drugs. About a dozen bags of weed, small sandwich bags filled with pills, pipes, syringes, and even tiny bags of white substance. A hell of a lot of it, this bag probably equated to thousands of dollars worth of drugs I assumed. I looked up her at, catching the gleam in her lenses.

“That should be well over enough. I made sure there’s plenty for the two of you; I know you like to get high too despite that innocent look you have. You’re one of us now.” Her lips quirked up the tiniest bit revealing a smile. “Welcome to the fucked up side of life Eren.”

I only stared back at her, contemplating the path that was sitting right here in my lap. According to her, I was already a member in their lives. Yeah I smoked weed frequently. Yes, I abused the consumption of prescription drugs but this—this was a whole other field of possibilities. This was stepping up in the game and advancing. This was the big leagues.

_You feel invincible_

Levi’s words from earlier began playing in my mind. He spoke so much about these kinds of drugs. My hands began trembling on the bag. He had said that he was trying to stay away from them and yet here they were in my lap. Right in front of me, the choice was all mine. Take them or leave them.

_It made me the happiest I had ever been in a long time_

Happy. These made him happy. And they could do the same for me too. They could make us _both_ happy. We could both stand together among the whirlwind of hell life delivered and laugh at it with these. We could conquer. We could be whole again.

“Thanks Hanji,” I smiled making up my mind. And so this was it, tonight would mark the night of advancement for me. Tonight I was no longer a novice; I was going to be hanging with the big dogs. Let it begin.

“No problem,” she said flipping her hair off of her shoulder with a flick of the wrist.

I stood up now, taking the bag and putting my arm through the loop, holding it firm on my wrist. “How am I supposed to deal with him tonight?” I asked glancing over at my knocked out lover. Hanji redirected her gaze to him as well.

“Eren, do you know what a molly is?” She asked me placing a hand on her hip. The inquiry seemed out of place, as it had nothing to do with my question.

“Umm, no not really.”

“Its MDMA otherwise known as methylenedioxymethamphetamine,” just hearing her pronounce that word was causing my head to hurt. That must’ve been the pharmacist side of her talking. She really must have been a genius underneath all that kooky. “It’s the all night drug you could say, often called the ‘club drug’. It stays in the system for at least 3 to 6 hours and after about 45 minutes the person who took it reaches their peak.” She stopped looking over at the clock. “Users often feel friendly, loose, an enhanced sense of touch. Basically what I’m telling you is that you have about fifteen minutes left before Levi awakens and his animal side is released.”

I twisted my face up pondering her words. Fifteen minutes and then Levi would be awake again with an animal side…I think I got the memo. I turned over and scooped up my boyfriend, his body lying against me, head resting on my shoulder. “Thanks for the info and stuff. It was nice meeting you Hanji. I’ll see you soon?” I asked back to her, she smirked.

“Halloween. Be ready.” She brought up a hand and started waving. “You two have fun tonight.”

I had my back turned to her as I carried Levi and the bag out of her room and down the dark, endless hall. The entire way though, I felt an unnerving chill on the back of my neck and somehow I felt lighter. I looked down to the black drug filled bag. Something had been abandoned in that room tonight, and it was what remained of my innocence.

 

If I had to make a list of all of my hobbies, driving would be within the top 5. There was something about cruising along the endless stretch of road that soothed me. The wind blowing through your hair and the car coming to life, roaring as you commanded every move it made. A true sense of freedom. It was a shame that with this truck, I could not replicate that same feeling. Levi’s truck made no damn sense to me. It was like being at a friend’s house and desperately trying to figure out how to use their shower without looking like an idiot. The gears were shifted confusingly, the seat was way too high up, all his mirrors were automated and not manual like old cars I had driven. I was in a spaceship. In the midst of my internal struggle over his vehicle I completely missed it when I ran directly into a huge pot hole causing the car to bounce violently. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the limp sleeping form of Levi snap forward and slam his forehead against the dashboard.

“Son of a _bitch_!” He hollered wickedly waking up instantly at the collision, hands rushing to his forehead and eyes shut tight in pain. “Jesus Christ! I think my brain is bleeding. Yeah my fucking brain is bleeding . Uhh I think my head is about to roll off my shoulders…” his voice sounded clear enough to convince me he was fine, the drug had worn out of his system. Or at least I thought so. I immediately pumped my foot on the break and pulled off the road into the parking lot of a Wallmart. I put the car in park and took my seatbelt off taking his face gingerly into my hands and turning him towards me.

“Oh my God are you okay?” I called to him, though he refused to open his eyes and look at me yet.

“Do I _look_ like I’m fucking okay!?” He shouted using both hands and pointing at his forehead.

“Well…yeah,” I said simply. He looked perfectly fine except his skin looked a bit flushed but I assumed that was because of that molly. Suddenly, his eyes peeled open and he looked in all cardinal directions quickly.

“We’re not at the club. Why are we not at the club? Did we fuck? I remember really wanting to plow your ass.” He looked down into his lap and brought up a hand actually palming his own cock deliciously before looking back up. “Nope we didn’t. I’m hard as a fucking diamond. Come here Eren, give me that ass, I’m ready to pound that shit into next week,” he began advancing on me, dipping his back and creating the perfect arch cats had when stalking prey. Oh no, this must be what Hanji meant when she had said he would be an animal. I thought she meant anger wise!

“Levi…” I cautioned trying to back away. Not that I didn’t want to, _fuck_ did I really want to but not here. “I don’t think we should,” I cautioned and gasped when his hot fingers wrapped around my wrist. Seriously, he was burning up.

“Why the fuck not?” He was starting to pout; one look in his eyes said it all. That molly had not flown through his system yet, no, it was just now fully awakening. I gulped, trying to find the will.

“Because you’re high,” I said meekly. He smiled widely, laughing lightly and his head rolled as if it were weightless.

“Fucking so? I’m high on any day that ends with a ‘y’.” He started moving again. This time he found the strength to take his right leg and slide over the small island of an armrest in between us. He settled himself in my lap and I hissed as his ass put pressure against my dick. That wasn’t the worst part though. His dick _was_ hard; I could feel it bulging through his pants touching my lower stomach. Fuck me.

“Levi, I’m serious. We shouldn’t—” I never finished. My voice stopped, caught in my throat and all I could do was release a shriek. He was straddling me, and somewhere along the way with his shift of posture his hand had snaked its way down my pants massaging at my balls. “We—we shouldn’t…ahhh…nng,” it was getting harder and harder to keep my mind on track.

“I’m sorry did you say something?” he breathed sexily down into my ear still working his glorious hand on me. My lips were parted, it was impossible to breathe only through my nose when he was working me up like this. “I want to fuck you. I’m horny as hell and I want to put my thick cock in you. I want to fuck you until you can’t think straight anymore.” He had removed his hand and hooked both his arms around my neck and began humping against me. I moaned and went to grab at him holding him and his rhythmic movements closer to me. “Let me do it Eren. Oh God…let me do it,” his tongue slipped out and lapped at my ear before biting it gently, holding it in between teeth. His hot breath sent tingles through my spine and I could feel my dick reacting to him easily as he talked dirty and lowered his hand again, working circles on me below the belt.

“I—I still don’t think that we should.” I don’t know how I managed it, but somehow I got a hold of my mind. I sat up and brought forward a hand grabbing at his wrist down my pants and he pulled back looking into my eyes puzzled. His pupils were so small; he really was tripping off that drug. “Can’t this wait until we get home?” I just needed to reason with him. He made a disgusted face and then a ‘tch’ sound.

“No,” he said sternly. “I want this _now._ Right here, right now in the back seat of my fucking car.” Levi really could be a demanding person when he wasn’t getting his way, especially when high.

I sighed, fighting a battle inside myself over whether or not I should let him have his way. Lord knows I wanted that dick. “I just don’t think—”

“Oh my God, fine you prude,” he slurred going into the island glove department and pulling something out. Then he twisted off of me and climbed into the back seat. I looked down at my pants and shook my head, my poor cock. I guess it wasn’t getting any action tonight as I had made him mad. I turned in the seat looking back at him. He was on his knees, hands unbuttoning his pants and lowering them, wiggling his waist line to do so.

“What the hell are you doing?” I watched as he brought out the small item he had snagged from up front, a bottle of lube. He began to pop open the portable bottle and I gawked as he squirted some out on into his palm.

He looked up to me, the normal sharpness in those grey eyes clouded by the molly, “If I can’t fuck you, and you won’t fuck me, then I’m going to fuck myself.” He was crazy. He was being totally irrational and I knew he was taking it too far but I just couldn’t stop him. In fact, I couldn’t tear my eyes away from him. I just watched.

His tongue came out from in between his lips, slowly leaving a glistening shine before slipping back into his mouth. His hand reached lower, massaging precise circular motions on himself through his underwear, he stifled a low moan. Then he took hold of his length pulling it out and exposing it. His dick was standing tall, completely erect and pointing directly at me. Suddenly my mouth felt dry, my eyes were focused as I watched the concentrated looks of pleasure as he stroked himself slow at first, then picking up the speed considerably. God, he was so fucking sexy. I could feel the thing in my pants turning into a rock begging me to let him out, not yet. I wanted to see more.

He’s becoming sensitive, I can tell from the high choked moans he’s giving, and from the way his body is slumping forward, mouth open and incoherent slurs racing out with his heavy panting. His face is laying down on the seat, hunched over still on his knees jerking his cock ferociously, face turning toward me allowing me to see everything he’s feeling. “Er—Eren…its feels so good. You feel so fucking good,” he turned his head and buried it in the seat biting his lip hard. Holy shit, he was imagining me touching him. He was imagining my hands over his body and was fucking himself based off that one thought alone. Me. “I need more,” he huffed out bringing back his other free hand to his ass that was extended in the air.

I watch, unable to even dare to look away as he circles the rim of his hole with his middle finger. I’m addicted, I’m hooked. This man is anything and everything and when he pushes that finger in and arches his back crying out like a horny bitch, I lose my mind. He’s stroking himself, spreading his legs further apart, pumping two fingers in and out of his back and all the while he’s moaning out nothing but my name. “These fingers aren’t enough,” he pants. “I want you in me Eren. Fuck me, I need you to fuck me.” That’s it, hearing him beg for me is enough. I’m done playing good boy, fuck it.

I bring my knees up and practically pounce in the backseat behind him. His ass is right up in my face, he’s still fucking himself and I grasp his wrist in my hand pulling it away watching as a string of lube exists with his digits. I lip my lips; suddenly my mouth isn’t dry anymore. It’s hungry. I get on my knees, both hands palming his bare ass as I gaze into that sweet, delicious hole. I run my finger down the slit and watch as his body stiffens from my touch. I thumb around his greedy hole, and lower myself delivering a long lick directly on the line of his spinal cord. He tastes so fucking good. But I know what tastes better. I pull back and look at his exposed hole. I want to get lost in it, bury myself further into him. I move my head down giving a teasing lick around the rim and Levi acts accordingly, shrieking out and swirling his hips, trying to get me to go further. I give him what he wants, unable to hold back like I tried earlier.

“Aah..ahh! Eren,” He moans out as I bury my face in his ass, tongue licking away at his hole. I’m swirling it, forcing it to go further inside him and within those walls. I can feel the tightening of him, he’s clenching as the pleasure I’m giving him is hitting every nerve he has. I can hear his nails gritting against the leather of the seats and something tells me his toes are curling, locking themselves into a tight roll. I pull back, releasing my tongue from his sensitive area and listen to him as he pants out hard. He was doing that same thing in the club, sweating too in fact.

I brought out and hand and flipped him over gently, to see that his face was flushed. Red lines of heat were spread out on his cheeks and he reminded me of a cat in heat. I leaned down, my hands on either side of his head and watched him. “Do you still want this?” I have to ask, I have to make sure. I know he’s trashed right now, but seeing him exposed, cock hard on for me and pressing against me, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t turned the hell on. Then something happened I wasn’t ready for.

His hands came up on my arms, and with all that strength he had inside his little body, he flipped me, making me the bottom bitch now. I smirked up at him amazed that he still had so much control despite his drugged state. He had a palm on my chest, and I gasped as he seductively slid it lower, tracing with one finger. “Oh yeah, I’m pretty fucking sure,” His hands went at my cock and he gripped it mercilessly making me suck in a sharp breath and arch my back. God damn it, this man knew how to push my buttons. He smirked at the way his touch made me feel. “You’re going to beg for this,” he threatened, hands working at my pants snatching them off of me along with my underwear leaving the both of us stripped except out tops. He lowered his head, trailing wet and sloppy kisses all down my abs and stopping right when he got to my shaft, lifting his head and focusing those eyes on me.

“What do you want me to do Eren?” He taunted, ghosting above my throbbing member. It was so close, the head was lightly grazing the corner of his mouth and all he had to do was claim it. Just move closer damn it, put it in your mouth…

“Suck it.” I moaned out huskily awaiting for him to continue. He smirked bringing down a hand and touching it ever so gently, a tease.

“Suck what?” I was biting my lip, it would bleed if I kept this up. I tried rolling my hips onto his face, oh God I was dry humping the air I was so desperate.

“Suck my fucking cock,” and that was all I had to say. I heard an airy laugh escape his throat before it was chocking on my dick. He was a professional, he could do this for a living but I would never allow that. No one could have him but me. Not Erwin or any other man. No one. My hands found his hair and I guided him along confidently knowing what I liked. Yes…slob all over it. Yes…take it to the back of the throat. Yes! Fucking yes yes yes—

He stopped, coming up with one hard suck that made a vibrant pop noise. I couldn’t even hide the look of utter disappointment in my face. Just a little more time and I would’ve impregnated his mouth. But he stopped. He freakin stopped.

He was wiping at his mouth and was laughing looking at my miffed facial expression. “Don’t want you to cum yet. I didn’t even get to fuck you yet,” I expected him to pull my legs over his shoulder and take me like that, pounding into me but I was wrong. He climbed on top of me, positioning himself right over my cock, grabbing at it and trying to align it inside himself. Oh fuck, he was going to ride me, even better.

He got the tip perfectly aligned and I held at his hips, easing him down onto me painfully, agonizingly slow. Fuck he was so tight, despite being a seasoned expert he was still so tight. I loved it. When he bottoms out, I just about lose my mind but his voice brought me back.

“You ready?” All I had to do was say yes and the animal would fully be unleashed. All it would take was one simple agreement. My fingers gripped his hips tighter, my teeth found their way into the flesh of my bottom lip.

“Yes,” I hiss out and with those words, the chains and restrictions are off. He lifts up and slams back down on my cock creating a jitter throughout my entire body. Before I can even dream of recovering he does it again, this time with more concentration. He picks it up, slapping his skin against mine relentlessly and all I can do is submit to his willpower. There are no words that can describe how amazing it feels, to have my cock fill such a hot, tense space. Each time the tip runs against his prostate, I can feel it and I shriek each time, I’m so sensitive it feels like Heaven. He’s throwing his head back and I watch as his face twists with undeniable pleasure. He’s rocking those hips against me fiercely, Levi Levi Levi!

“That’s right, scream my fucking name!” He says riding with more precision, coming off a bit and clapping his ass down on me. I didn’t even realize I had been screaming his name. I can feel the heat building up in my stomach, I can feel the clenching of my lungs as it feels like I just can’t get enough air. My mind is slipping, something else is taking over. And I let it. “What the fuck are you—ahh!” Levi shrieks at my actions.

I had snapped upward, leaning against the door. With him still on my dick I turned him so now his back was lying against my chest. I’m using all the force and power I have in my hips to grind upwards, he may be on top but he’s the bitch now. He’s taking my dick, shaking and trembling on top of me and I hold him close. So close, and I’m demolishing him.

“Y—yeah Eren. Just like that…hmm..ahh!” He shrieks when I rut up harder into him. Both our skins are glistening, the windows are getting foggy, the backseats are getting slippery, his skin keeps clapping against mine and all I can hear are juicy sounds. Fuck, I can’t stop. The heat, the pressure, the cloudiness of my brain.

“Fuck!” I exclaim quite loudly renching my hips upward and cumming directly into his ass. I can feel every inch of it spilling out of me and into him. He grinds his ass downward onto me and I’m rewarded with hearing his orgasmic cry. We both are breathing excitedly, we both are stuck on cloud nine. I drop my head against the foggy glass and take hold of the small Levi in my lap.

“Holy shit,” I say amazed at how great that was. I wait for him to reply but all I get are snores. I bring my head back up and look down at him to see my love passed out completely. Damn, guess I wore him out. Smiling, I lowered my head and kissed the top of his forehead gently, the exact spot I damaged that started all of this smut.

I lay there thinking about how he made me feel as I held his warm body against mine. He was so warm. I could feel his heart beating, rapidly at first but then it slowed matching mine. I smiled, bringing a hand out and grabbing at his enlacing our fingers. He made me feel warm. He made me feel appreciated. He made me feel wanted. He made me feel in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed a bit of Hanji background and Levi craziness. once again reminder, now tracking this fic under tag 'fic: torture'  
> thanks for reading as always! see you next Tuesday lovelies <3


	14. Dancing On The Clouds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tonight, we're gonna be dancing on the clouds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i thought i'd be nice to see what someone else was up to this time around

Have you ever heard the chirping of birds in the morning? To most people, it’s lovely. They sing a sweet melody free of charge, like your own personal concert. It’s a signal that it’s a brand new day. It’s a reminder for you that it’s time to get up, the day had started and you will miss it if you stay in bed. It’s a calling for you to get up and join society.

Well fuck that.

I wanted to lay here like a sloth; I didn’t want to contribute to society today whatsoever. I groaned, feeling like the birds were chirping directly in my ear and sat up. It didn’t help that the buzzing of my phone contributed to the morning scandal. I had been the little spoon last night, somehow Levi had snaked those short arms around me and even now they were still on me, though only one hand was wrapped around my chest. The other was down, palming over my dick. We were both naked, that drug may have forced him to slip in and out of consciousness last night but every time he woke up, his dick was hard as steel all over again. Meaning we had to fuck all over again. Not that I was complaining but I was tired as hell.

I rolled off of his touch and leaned over to the nightstand, picking up my phone. The screen was still cracked from that day Grisha assaulted me, I would have to get this fixed one day. I opened up the messages and the first name that came up was Mikasa’s. It was a simple text from her reading, “are you coming to school?” Sighing, I ignored the message and just pressed the lock button on my phone. I know she only means well and is concerned but really? Asking me was I going to show up to school like she was my parent or something? How unnecessary, if I didn’t want to go to school then I wouldn’t plain as that. Besides, those kids all had futures to look forward to including her. I didn’t fit in with that bunch anymore.

I looked over to Levi and watched as his chest rose and fell. Things were definitely taking turns that I had not expected them to. I never expected things to go this far with us to be honest. I didn’t even think there would be an ‘us’ after he told me about that Erwin incident.  Speaking of Erwin, it’s been at least three months now since the investigation for my mother’s murder began and yet he still has nothing to offer. What a completely unreliable man. Okay, maybe I was letting my jealousy take over. Levi had seen something in him at one point, and that was enough. Lord knows what he sees in me.

I tried lying back down, but it was clear that wasn’t going to work. Now my mind was alert and my stomach was growling, yelling at me to feed it. I flipped the covers off myself and climbed out of the bed, chilling as my naked body was exposed. I looked to the floor and gathered up my boxers feeling like something needed to be put on then made my way out to the kitchen.

I raided the fridge, looking for anything to scavenge together and make a decent meal. I decided I was going to do something nice and make breakfast for us both. French toast, eggs, and bacon. If only I could find where the damn bacon was…

 “You’re gonna get sucked into Narnia if you dig any deeper,” I pulled my head out the fridge and looked over my shoulder immediately feeling my eyebrow twitch. There was Levi, looking groggy as hell and yawing like a lion, wearing that damn…tacky…cheetah pattered robe with the cat ears on the hood.

“It was a wardrobe,” I said.

“Hmm?”

I repeated. “Chronicles of Narnia happened with a wardrobe. If you’re going to make a reference to something at least get it right,” I said grabbing hold of a carton of eggs and closing the refrigerator door with my hip.

He scoffed, stepping forward and walking into the kitchen too. “Oh so you know about the movie with the Jesus lion but not about the one with the sparkling vampire,” his tone was light as he teased me making a reference back to our second encounter. I’d actually say he sounded well rested and a bit joyous. I cracked an egg into a bowl before glancing at him. “Nerd.” He threw in. I ignored that focusing on what really mattered here outside of his pop culture reference.

“Levi will you please burn that robe? It’s an eyesore and a threat to humanity.” I bet even God in heaven looked at that thing with abhorrence. Levi crossed his arms, holding his head high.

“I will do no such thing. If anything I’ll keep it now that I know it’ll piss you off.” I sighed, rolling my eyes at his stubbornness and continued beating away at the eggs before frying them up on the pan. He worked his way around me and had made himself coffee with his Keurig. He had offered me some but I passed, I wasn’t really a caffeine kind of person. And so here we were, sitting at his counter and eating breakfast together, me in boxers and him in that kindergarten robe.

“You know,” he began speaking with a somewhat stuffed mouth. “This isn’t half bad. You can cook brat,” he complimented grabbing at some maple syrup and drenching his French toast. Now that I stopped and thought about it, this was the first time that I had made something for him. Usually we had cereal, something quick before going out the door.

“It would be better if we had some bacon,” I wasn’t over it. Bacon could either make or break a breakfast and today it was doing the ladder.  

Levi scrunched his face up and his mouth formed that of repugnance. “Bacon is disgusting.” That statement alone was enough to make me drop my fork and gawk at him like as if he were breathing fire. He kept eating passively, trying to ignore me but eventually he had to address it, giving me a sharp stare. “What?” He demanded taking an offense.

“Why don’t you like bacon?” I asked, still not willing to believe the words I had heard.

“It’s not really that big of a deal, I just don’t,” he said casually.

“No yes it is, it’s a _very_ big deal,” I clarified holding up a hand between us both.

He finished chewing his food then put his fork down wiping at the corners of his mouth lightly with a napkin, “Pigs are filthy animals.” There he goes again, clean freak Levi. It never ceased to amaze me how anal he could be about cleanliness. “I’ll eat beef, chicken, even llama meat. But not pork. Never.”

Llama meat was a thing? “Who cares, when they’re cooked they taste like heaven,” I argued with obvious fondness in my voice for the delicious meat.

He shook his head, disdain on his face. “I refuse to eat from an animal that’s stupid enough to eat its own shit.”

I looked down at my plate. I didn’t know pigs ate their own poop. Eh, who cares? I had my fork back in my hand and was poking at my now cold food, staring intently at it. “What kind of American are you?” I mumbled to myself.

“I’m French.” That grasped my attention.

“Are you really? That’s cool. Do you speak it? Have you been to France before?” My questions were flowing out of my mouth but I couldn’t resist. This was new information about him that I was delighted to find out, it was always nice when Levi peeled back some of those onion layers and opened up to me. These were the real moments that needed to be cherished.

One after another came out and before I knew it, a fork had been shoved in my mouth with eggs which shut me up. I looked down and saw it sticking out of my mouth and still being held in his hand. I began chewing on the yellow fluff. “Damn, I said I was French not a member of the circus. Calm down.” He said releasing the utensil. I brought it out of my mouth and felt like suddenly I had taken the role of a three year old.

“Sorry,” I said feeling my body tense somewhat. I began fumbling with my hands pressing them together in my lap. “I just get excited learning more stuff about you.”

He blinked. “You say it like I’m some kind of science experiment.”

“No! It’s just…well, I mean I don’t know much about you. I don’t know your favorite color; though I’m assuming its blue because of your room, if you have any siblings, if you’re a mac or pc kind of person—”

“Wait, why does that last one matter?” He questioned.

“It just does.”

“You never asked me this kind of stuff before.” He said. I shrugged.

“I never wanted to push you. There’s tons of things I want to know about you—everything. I would love to cram my mind with stories about your life and just...” Connect more with you.

He remained silent, his gaze had torn from mine. He leaned back in the chair, hands tucking away inside his robe pockets. Since he had the hood up, I could not see his face and read his thoughts, all I saw was an outline of his lips. They began moving, “Vous êtes une telle mignonne petite merde,” I had no idea what he said but I did know that it was one of the most beautiful sounds I had ever heard leaving his lips. When he spoke like that, it almost came off like singing, a wonderful hymn to my ears.

“You _can_ speak French,” I couldn’t even hide my astonishment at this new discovery. I must’ve looked like a fangirl. “What did you say? What’s ‘merde’ mean?”

All Levi did in response was smirk and lower his head obviously trying to hide something. “Nothing,” he responded turning to me. “You’re spot on, my favorite color is blue. No, I don’t have any siblings just me myself and I. And I don’t know why the fuck it matters but I’m a pc kind of guy, mac is for shitty rich snobs.” Good, I was very pleased with that answer.

“Well what about some funny stories?” I added in leaning forward.

His face looked sullen, “I don’t have any funny stories.” Deadpanned as usual. I sucked in my lip taking in a gust of air and released it causing both my lips to motorboat.

“Everyone has funny stories. You can’t think back to a really good time in your life? Like maybe your childhood, being at the mall with friends, awkward kiss from grandma, high school?” I had been running through my pages of my fantasies. I had imagined times where Levi must’ve been happy at one point though the man in front of me made that almost impossible to believe.

 Levi only remained straight faced, not reacting to a single thing I had said. “I told you before, being on those drugs was the only time I was really happy. I thought I was happy with Erwin but…well yeah. I didn’t have a great childhood; as a matter of fact I had shitty ass parents. Middle school was hell and awkward boners. Then high school—” he stopped speaking, cutting himself off. He had shifted his eyes briefly, only in the slightest way that for someone who didn’t know him well they wouldn’t have thought anything of it. But I was different, I knew that look. I had struck a nerve somewhere in his past, buried deep within the cluttered walls of his mind.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to mess things up I just—” he stood up, pushing the seat in and hanging his head low. My heart was aching just seeing him like this. “I fucked up. I ruined breakfast.” The gravity of my realization had hit me tenfold, I felt like shit. For the first time he had come out looking somewhat light weighted, as if he didn’t have a bunch of shit bundled up in his head and was suffering from depression and I had destroyed it. Damn it all to hell.

My head was hung low and I could feel my eyes were beginning to sting. I’m such a fuck up, a fuck up a fuck up a fuck—

“No, Eren,” his voice was soft, pleasing to my ears yet it also sounded strained. I looked up when I felt his hand grasp mine, sending scorching fire through my veins at the small action. His grey eyes looked as enchanting as the first time I had saw them as they focused into mine. My body had shifted, turning completely to him as I wanted him to know he had all of my attention. His other hand reached out and took hold of my spare. “It’s not you, you are _not_ the problem at all. Shit, I’m not good with heart to heart talks. Don’t blame it on yourself, it’s me. _I’m_ the one with the fucked up head here okay? I know you want to know more, and I want you to know more too. Look you probably feel cheated because you’ve told me so much and I haven’t done the same back but don’t. I _will_ open up it just…it takes time.”

His words were spoken like someone who truly did have a lot to say. I was sure that whenever the day would come where he would let me know more about him, it was take a massive amount of time to tell it all. I was prepared for it anyway.

I nodded my head lightly indicating that I understood and he gave a twinge of a smile back before leaning forward and kissing my forehead. He stepped back and I physically felt my disappointment of him detaching from me. “The usual?” I asked as he walked away towards him room.

“You know me too well,” he commented back before disappearing into the doorway. The usual, or in other words, a healthy dosage of numbing lithium and a long morning shit.

 

I had already washed the dishes and gotten dressed before Levi came out revealing himself finally. He was wearing his work uniform and was stretching like a cat. It was actually disheartening to see that dull look back upon his face again. “Not that I’m complaining or anything but when the hell are you going to go to school?” He asked from across the room. Hmm, now that he mentioned it, it had been a while now of straight absences. At least a week.

“Oh yeah. Mikasa had been nagging me about that earlier too.”

“Which brings up another question that’s been stabbing my brain. Why the fuck does your sister have a Japanese samurai name but you have a boring plain ass one?” 

Well, it was nice to know what he thought of my name. He was such an ass, but a loveable one. “She’s adopted.” I responded. “And you better not say that to her face, she could choke you with her boobs alone.” Just then a thought occurred to me that I could not believe I had forgotten. “Oh! Wait here,” I said to him rushing into his room. I shuffled around trying to remember where I put it and finally grabbed a hold of it. I brought the contents out to him in the same way they were handed to me.

“Hanji gave us more supply last night.” I was standing in front of him unzipping the bag looking down into it. “She gave us so much weed! Oh and some new stuff too. I can’t tell what it is but it’s white and kinda looks like powder. I think it’s—”

“ _Cocaine_ ,” the sound of pure, concentrated, bestial need shrouded his voice actually causing the hairs on my arms to stand. I looked up at him slowly and the face I saw was no longer Levi’s. In fact, this was the face of a complete stranger. _This_ was the face of an addict. From the quiver of his eyes that could not remain focused, to the unsettling twist of his lips.

“Yeah,” I added feeling equally amazed at myself. One hit of this white stuff, _one_ hit and I could feel everything Levi had told me about before. All it would take was one. I needed that one. “She put pipes in here. Maybe we could do some really quick before we go.”

Levi remained still, eyes only on the bag. “We’ll be fucked up before we even make it to the door,” he said sounding like a professional, then it cracked. He leaned forward towards the bag then snatched away, hissing out a ‘fuck’. He began pacing the room, over and over, mumbling to himself trying to come up with a solution to both our needs. “I want to do it now, _god_ do I want to do it now but I can’t. I fucking can’t.”

“Then tonight,” I added in excitedly. He looked at me as if for a brief time he had forgotten I was even there.

“Yeah,” he began nodding. “Tonight. Fuck yeah, tonight. After I get back from work and you back from school. Tonight.”

And so it was set, tonight was going to be the night. Everything would change. _Everything._ And I couldn’t fucking wait to take this trip into paradise with him.

“Tonight,” Levi began as we both made our way to the front door. “We’re gonna be dancing on the clouds.”

 

Jean's POV

“Good game out there guys!” Reiner’s voice boomed throughout the locker room, vibrating against every metal space. We were all flocking back inside now from practice, I think today was one of the most brutal I’ve had in all my years.

“Yeah Marco that was a really nice interception,” Thomas cheered him to Marco’s happiness. “You had Jean flat on his back,” Marco took the compliment bashfully and I pouted my lips. Football was a real contact sport, you had to literally smash your body up against your opponents if you wanted success in your tackles and while normally I hated being knocked down, I didn’t mind it so much if it was Marco.

“Thanks Thomas, I just really want the team to do well is all,” Marco said, freckled face heating up a bit. His wrinkled up his nose, like he usually did when he was being bashful and I realized I would have to turn away. I couldn’t look at him anymore, not if I planned on keeping my relationship healthy and functional.

Everyone was stripping, I think it was universal for every football player to hate the stickiness of clothing after practice so we were always in a rush to get rid of them.

“Dude, we’re gonna crush that weak team this weekend!” Connie was boasting as usual. What position did he play again? I was still amazed he had made it on the team when he was so small compared to the rest of us.

“Still a shame that we lost Eren this year,” Bertholdt pitched in tossing off his shirt.

“Yeah well he went through hell this year. I mean can you imagine someone murdering your mom? I can’t say I really blame him for quitting,” Reiner, who had been sitting on the bench between the locker had been stripped down, only in boxers now. Talk about a massive guy. “Jean don’t you hang around him a lot?”

“What?” I said turning around to see the eyes of the entire team on me. Including Marco. His shirt was missing and his bottoms were low riding, revealing that delicious tanned body to me. _Damn_ the things I would do to him..

“You’re dating his best friend right? Armin, the little guy. How is Eren doing?” At the mention of Armin’s name I couldn’t help but glance my eyes at Marco to catch his reaction. I saw the softening of the muscles around his lips and the slight recoil of his head. Damn it Reiner, way to expose my business.

“He’s fine, dealing with it like a real champ,” I lied. Eren was far from fine with his drug abusing ass, but the whole team didn’t need to know that.

“That’s good, really good,” Reiner went off bobbing his head approving of my words.  “Alright guys, lets hit the showers! Let’s hurry up and get out of here before coach Shardis finds more workouts for us to do!” With that announcement everyone turned into fifth graders and raced towards the back of the locker room gunning for the showers. Everyone except me and you guessed it, Marco.

“Uhh hey,” I said weakly throwing a wave at him.

“Hi,” he said back just as awkwardly. Things had been weird between us. Every since that party last month we had been avoiding one another. Correction, I had been avoiding him. I had never told Marco that I had a boyfriend before all the flirting began, and somehow being the adorable sweetheart he was he wasn’t mad at me for it. He would just smile and come up to me trying to start a conversation every day. He was too kind hearted for his own good.

“So,” I began finding the silence too consuming, “Are you not going to hit the showers with the guys?” He had dropped his bottoms now, his back was to me and my eyes zoned in like a magnifying glass on that ass. Perfectly rounded, seven freckles above the left ass cheek exactly, purple boxer briefs on. They suited him well.

“No,” he said passively. “Are you going in there?” What an odd question.

“No.”

He shrugged, smiling warmly as usual, “Then count me out.” He went back to his locker grabbing at his clothes and I could not stop staring at him. I knew what I was feeling for him was wrong; I was committed to someone else. But how was I supposed to ignore someone who was so blatantly putting themselves out there for me?

“What is that suppose to mean?” I wanted to smack myself the moment I let that escape my lips. What the hell was I doing!? I knew better than this, I had to avoid all this mess not approach it directly. It was best to leave things with Marco alone and I knew that so then, why couldn’t I stop myself?

Marco turned around, confusion fluttering on his face. “What are you talking about?”

I brought out a hand pointing directly at him, “I mean that comment. What exactly are you trying to imply by saying that? I have a boyfriend you know!” I was raising my voice at him, I didn’t mean to but damn it I couldn’t control it.

“I know you do Jean, that much was clear at the party.” He didn’t say it with hurt, but I felt in hit me and I felt awful for it.

“I didn’t want you to find out that way,” What a weak ass apology. “I was going to tell you soon. I really planned on it, but I just didn’t think that I—” I stopped, Marco looking at me expectantly waiting for me to finish my sentence. That I what? That I would let it go that far, letting myself catch feelings for him?

Marco shook his head, “Jean, finding out you had someone already was painful. And embarrassing after that picture I sent you. I’m not going to even try and lie to you about that.” He stopped, fidgeting with his hands and looking away. He was so cute. He was so adorable. I wanted to step over the bench separating us and touch him, but I couldn’t. I was forbidden to. “I understand if you don’t really want me around.”

My eyebrows furrowed at the statement. “Marco what are you talking about?”

“C’mon I mean let’s be honest here. You’ve been avoiding me since that party incident. Every time I come around you ignore me or brush me off. I smile at you in the hallway and you just turn away. It’s like I’m making you sick. Like I’m disgusting or something.” Hearing this confession was absolutely heart wrenching. When Armin was upset, his bottom lip would quiver and he would turn away trying to shut me out. When Marco was upset he stared you directly in the eye, allowing you to see and experience every emotion he was feeling, he was not afraid of his feelings. He wasn’t afraid to show weakness.

“Marco I’m sorry, I’ve been treating you like shit and that’s completely my fault 100 percent. It’s just that…” Should I tell him? “Marco, it’s just that being around you is confusing okay? I’m with someone, I _love_ him. I’m happy, we’ve never had any problems, we’ve always been good to one another and then suddenly you come around and things change. My eyes aren’t loyal anymore, my body is reacting to the wrong person and my brain won’t shut up about you. I should be pushing you away right now and telling you to leave me alone but I don’t want to. Damn it all, I don’t want to because I want to be around you.” _Stop_ interfering with my relationship. _Stop_ causing me to cheat mentally with you. Just stop it. That’s what I should’ve said but I didn’t. I couldn’t.

Somewhere along the way, Marco had not been standing across from me anymore. He had lifted a leg up, crossing it over the bench easily followed by another. His hand had reached out and grasped at my bare arm, sending a burning desire blazing through my veins. It was wrong, it was so wrong but I had no control of my body. He gazed into my eyes for what must’ve been a fraction of a second but felt so much longer. He leaned forward, easing himself in and while all the alerts were going off in my brain I didn’t’ move away. He was kissing me.

Gentle and clumsy as this was his first time locking lips with me. I was aching for him, for this. My hand rose upward, going underneath his arm and catching at his shoulder as I held him firm against me kissing him back.  Marco gasped from my movement but didn’t stop. The kiss was deepening, all un coordination gone now as the intensity levels picked up and our tongues came out to play.

“W—we shouldn’t be doing this,” I murmur lightly breaking away for a second hazily.

“Then tell me to stop,” Marco breathed out lowering his head and licking at my neck causing me to moan. I parted my lips, willing my mind to say something but nothing was coming out. He bit down somewhat hard and I couldn’t stop the rock of my hips into him. He grinded back against me exploding me with a fire inside that I had never felt before. He’s sucking at my neck, growing closer to my shoulder. If this doesn’t stop I’ll fuck him. I know I will and I need this to stop. But damn, I don’t _want_ it to stop.

He has my back against the lockers and he slipping lower, I can feel his fingers tugging down my pants and I don’t make a single move to stop him. All I do is rut my hips, wanting him to do more. To touch me more. He whipped my cock out and gave it a few good strokes making me grit my teeth. The second the tip of his tongue licked out on me I lost it. My knees were quivering, as he sucked and licked away at me easily with a fluid motion. His tongue is running all down my length and all I can manage to do is wrap my fingers into his hair and guide him. He pulls off, and starts playing with my spit covered dick, jerking me by twisting his wrist and circling his thumb over the head. “M—Marco stop I’m…nnngh…” I can’t form a thought. I can feel the pit of my stomach burning and I know it’s here, but why so fast? My muscles start to clench and I try and open my mouth to warn Marco but all I can see is Armin’s face flash in my head before a flash of white then euphoria. I look downward and see that Marco’s face is spilled with white, it’s my fault. He simply wipes it away with his forearm and I can’t help but feel bad, but not because I came on his face.

“Damn it boys! You’re using up all the hot water the school has! Come out now!” Coach Shardis’s voice erupted through the empty locker room causing both Marco and myself to rip apart all too fast. It wasn’t long after that all the team came jogging out of the showers, towels wrapped around their waists.

“You two are still getting dressed? Jeez, what the hell was taking you so long?” Reiner remarked passing both Marco and myself.

“I needed help figuring out how the second play we have planned worked. Marco was explaining it to me.”

I had been accusing Eren all this time of being the liar when clearly, I needed to take a look in the mirror.

 

Eren POV

“That sounds like your own fault Eren,” Mikasa said scolding me. I knew I shouldn’t have gone to school today. But then again, what else was there to do while Levi was at work? Nothing. Currently we were all up at the park down the street from my house, sitting on the swings. No one was here except for us.

“I think your best bet is finding a tutor. If you fail the midterms you’ll have no chance of passing any of your classes.” Armin was right. Pixis had pulled me aside today to basically tell me that I was walking on thin ice. If I didn’t do something I really was going to fail. Levi would be so pissed if that happened, I could see him now swearing all kinds of things at me.

“You don’t think he’ll call home do you?” I asked feeling slight concern at Grisha finding out. I had plans tonight that could not be ruined no matter what happened.

“I doubt it. Stuff like that only happens in movies.” Mikasa said texting away on her phone. Good, that was a relief.

“Hey guys,” I said causing them both to look towards me. “I talked to Jean you know. He told me about the both of you and how you really feel.”

To this Mikasa remained quiet while Armin smacked his lips together. “That big mouth,” he said under his breath, I looked to him quickly.

“Don’t be mad at him Armin. He was just trying to help. I mean if he hadn’t of said anything I wouldn’t have even known you guys were so worried.”

“Of course we are worried,” Mikasa said, lightly pushing herself on the swing. “Considering everything that’s happened it would be hard not to be.”

“I’m fine you know.”

“You keep saying that but you don’t show it. You skip school, you haven’t tried applying to college, and you disappear all the time without warning.” Armin went on. “None of that sounds ‘okay’ to me.” Observant as always, these two wouldn’t go down without a fight. But then again what else should I expect; I had been hitting them with that same lie for a while now it was about time they questioned it.

“No guys I am. I know I’ve been fucking up with you both. I’ve been locking you out and not telling you anything but I’m about to now,” I took a deep breath and could feel both of their eyes locked on me. I knew this was important to them, that I established some sort of connection. I had to say something, even if not everything would be put into words. “I’ve met someone.”

“You did? That’s great!” Armin said getting giddy for me. I smiled, it was nice to know he had a positive response. “What’s her name?”

Now it was time for another reaction. “Him. It’s a guy. His name is Levi.”

A breeze flew past, neither of them said anything. Mikasa planted a foot hard, making her stop the swinging motion. Armin’s hands were covering his mouth. If somebody didn’t say something soon I think I was going to pass out.

“Eren that’s…”Armin began removing his hands from his face. “That’s so amazing! Is that what all this silence has been about? You didn’t want us to know you’re gay?” He questioned. No, that wasn’t it but I might as well play off of it.

“Yeah, I didn’t know how you guys would react.” I said and heard Mikasa sigh audibly.

“Oh fuck me,” she said palming her forehead.

“Mikasa what’s wrong?” Armin asked leaning forward and looking at her.

“Yeah I thought you would be the most on board with this considering you and Annie—” I stopped. Fuck, Jean had told me that not her herself. I didn’t even think I was supposed to know but it was too late.

“He told you didn’t he?” She asked. I nodded. “His ass is grass! I told him I wanted to say it myself when I was ready…” she was shaking her head and scratching at it. Then she brought her hand down looking sharply at me. “No Eren I’m not mad or anything but…I would’ve thought Grisha would have wanted at least one straight child. He’s going to be the only hetero at the table on the night of his dinner.”

“Fuck Grisha,” I said proudly. I couldn’t care less if he thought less of us because of our sexuality.

“Man is there anyone straight that goes to Trost high?” Armin said and I knew he was thinking of all our gay couples that roamed the halls.

“Must be something in the water.” Mikasa stated. We all laughed together loudly. I had honestly forgotten what it was like to sit down with these two and just laugh. It had really been too long.

“Are you bringing him with you to our place?” Mikasa asked. “Obviously Annie will be there.”

“Yeah, I got him to agree to go.” I turned my head to Armin. “Are you asking Jean to come or are you still playing around with that old pervert?”

Armin straight faced me while both Mikasa and I laughed under our breaths. “Erwin is _not_ a pervert. He’s a really nice guy and an amazing kisser I’ll have you know.”

“So you two are dating then?” I sprang forward at this possible truth. I couldn’t have that, I had just gotten rid of that guy from Levi’s life and I didn’t need him in Armin’s. Armin blushed.

“I wouldn’t say all of that. We’re both pretty open right now and just going with the flow. He understands that I’m still tied down technically.”

“So you’re inviting Jean then?” Mikasa pitched in. His face twisted.

“I don’t know…Jean needs to earn my trust back after what he did. I just can’t really look him in the eye right now.”

“Armin you have to give him a chance. Jean is a really good guy, he loves you and I don’t think he would do anything to hurt you. Marco isn’t anything to worry about,” or at least I hoped so. I only stood up for Jean because of the way he expressed he would never cheat on Armin. I believed those words.

Armin seemed to be quite thoughtful, considering my advice heavily before bringing out his phone and typing away.

“What did you say?” Mikasa wondered aloud.

“I told him I wanted to actually try working things out and that I still love him.”

“Good,” Mikasa said quickly standing up suddenly. “Well, I’ve got a date with Annie tonight so it’s time for me to get out of here. Armin I’ll take you back home. Eren you coming?”

I waved her off explaining that I had plans of my own with Levi tonight. Armin smiled widely wishing me luck, Mikasa simply nodded approving. They assumed we would be doing something like eating dinner together, watching movies. Little did they know that tonight, I was going to be snorting cocaine.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, thank you for reading! if you want to contact me about anything pertaining to Torture im on tumblr at loseourmindstogether and im also tracking this under the tag 'fic: torture' so if you want till see anything you post about it. See you next week loves <3


	15. Disappointment and Drugs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doing drugs can be fun but it really does fuck up your memory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just really want to thank everyone who drops kudos and tunes in weekly for this wild ride of a story. I put so much work into this and im grateful people are giving it time enough to read. You guys rock <3

“Okay so this,” Levi held up a razor. “This is what you’re going to use to divide your shit up,” He was talking hastily, obviously turned on by the vast amount of white powder that sat in front of us in baggies. He had taken precautionary steps, locking and bolting his front door, locking the windows, anything to make sure no one would come inside and catch us. “But since I only have one you’re just going to have to use this dollar bill,” he said going into his pocket and tossing me a one bill. I looked at him and wrinkled my nose.

“Why do you get the official utensil?” I asked referring to the razor. He rolled his eyes.

“Because _obviously_ I’m the only adult in the room,” He turned back pouring a small yet generous amount of the drug onto the table. He turned my way and did the same giving me my own individual pile. He propped himself back, tying the bag back up making sure to not spill any of the contents and placed said bag back on the table out of the way.

“Alright watch me,” he took his razor and began gently tapping the table before moving towards the pile. I watched as he chopped through the mess and with how fast his hand was moving, I wondered if he had taken speed too. I watched as he used gentle brushed of his wrist, like an artist working carefully on a painting as he sectioned off his supply. There were three lines present in front of him. He turned to me, impatience in his eyes. “Hurry up and do the thing.”

I hurriedly crisped out my dollar bill and mimicked the same thing I had seen him do, though nowhere near as gracefully. My hand was jittery, I was too anxious to take this wonderland trip I knew we were going on. I had been waiting all day for this and here it was, the precious moment right in front of me. Levi stared down at my somewhat crooked lines and leaned over, brushing right over my chest and fixing it up a bit.

“So now from here all the fun begins,” he began turning towards me completely on the couch. He brought up a piece of rolled up paper, just large enough to fit in one nostril and gave me a rolled up one as well.

I looked from the pile of coke, to the paper in my hand, and up to his grey eyes that were analyzing me. “Is it going to hurt?” It was a mild concern, whether he said yes or no I was still going to do it.

“No,” he said strongly, “It won’t feel great, more like a serious itching in your nose you want to scratch but don’t worry. By the time you get to your third line, it’ll be numb and you won’t feel a fucking thing.” He angled his body back towards the table. “Oh and don’t sniff the stuff, snort it.”

“What’s the difference?” I asked. He only looked at me flat faced before it turned into a tiny smirk.

“Snort that coke Eren. Hit it _hard_ ,” there it was, that dangerous edge to his voice again. He was ready to go and I wouldn’t hold him back anymore, I just wanted one more thing.

“Kiss me,” I said making him glance over at me.

“Kiss you?” He questioned.

“Yeah, before we do it. Just in case my mind doesn’t come back from this.” I had heard of many times where all it took was one instance to have your brain fried. This could possibly be one of those.

“You’re coming back Eren,” he said determined, eyes hard on mine. “We both are.” How can you possibly deny someone when they sound so sure?

 “Okay.” I thought he would protest and I waited for it but was taken aback when he wrapped his hand around, palming the back of my head and forcing me forward. Our lips collided harshly; his kissing method was wild tonight as our tongues spread around in each other’s mouths. I could feel him putting everything into the kiss as we both fought for control of it. Finally he pulled back leaving me breathless and breathing hard.

He positioned himself, crouching forward and lining up his paper with a line and I did the same, pressing a finger to my opposite nostril so I could have maximum suction. “See you on the other side lover,” Levi said sounding every bit devilish and looking like the evil angel I had come across the first night. I smirked, feeling his aura crossing over to me.

“Yeah, see you soon,” and just like that we both began. Our snorting could be heard all throughout the apartment as we both went down the line taking in every grain in front of us. I pulled back immediately taking my hand and rubbing it hard on my nose. _Shit._

“ _God damn_!” Levi exclaimed excitedly coming up as well and pressing both nostrils closed with his index fingers.

I waited, I could feel the nerves inside my nose lighting up and tingling sending a jolt throughout my entire body. It stung, it burned a bit and I waited. I waited and waited and—felt nothing. No sudden rush, no twitching of the body, no breaking sweat, no nothing!

“This stuff isn’t working! I don’t feel a thing!” I thought we were supposed to be dancing on clouds. I thought we were going to be smiling till our cheeks hurt. I thought we were supposed to be having the times of our lives but I didn’t feel a damn difference.

Levi brought up a hand, the other still closed around his nose shutting the nostrils tight, “There’s a reason there’s more than one wave lined up idiot,” he said preparing to reposition himself over the second. I was in disbelief, he was so fast to recover meanwhile my nose hairs were on fire.

“Can’t we at least wait a minute or two?” I asked poking a finger up inside to feel around. It was slight but I was starting to go numb that’s for sure.

“Hell no! Take a few sniffs of fresh air then get ready to throw this shit back,” he said fervently, eager to continue. I complied, leaning back down again. On the count of three, it was time for line two of coke. One…two…three.

Another loud sniff, I don’t think I had ever sniffed harder in my life and this time was definitely different. I could _feel_ the coke passing through my nose, maneuvering through all the hair and olfactory bulbs up there. I could feel it touching my brain. Sweet baby Jesus. I can’t feel my nose, oh shit I can’t feel my throat either.

I whirled, and it literally felt that way as traces of past color outlines followed my eyes in blurs. I landed on Levi and it was fucking weird. He was moving fast. Like ultra, super duper mega fast. He was fumbling with the razor, pounding down on the coke at lightning speed. How could he possibly be going that fast?

“Hey Leee,” I tried to reach forward and grab his arm so he would slow down, but that was like the opposite of what happened. I could feel my body slump forward and even though I heard a thud, I didn’t feel a thing. The next thing I know, I open my eyes and I’m floating. I am legit levitating off the ground and floating away, hovering above my body.

Shit. I look terrible, I’m face forward on the floor snoring like a dog and Levi is just on the couch smiling his ass off and rubbing his arms creepily. He’s so happy looking. And I’m a ghost. Hey, oh my God I’m a ghost! I bet I could scare the crap out of Armin like this! Hell yeah. I started moving my hands in a swimming motion and kicking my feet. I flew all around the living room feeling free as a pixie. I thought about Peter pan and was willing to bet Grisha’s soul tinker bell was flying behind me sprinkling my butt with pixie dust.

“I can fly! I can fly! I can—”

“Waaake up!” The harsh contact of skin on my cheek jerked me awake and my eyes ripped open. Somehow I was on the floor, on my back and Levi was staring straight down on me googley eyed. He was upside down, but that didn’t stop him from grabbing my face tightly between both hands and coming down and giving me the sloppiest kiss before pulling back laughing like a nutcase. “You’re so cute Eren, I love it!”

My blood was pumping, my heart was racing, and my body was feeling an odd sensation of jittery joy. It literally felt as though I had a sun glowing inside me, I was so warm and was so… _happy._ I giggled and starting rolling around on the floor like little kids do. Damn! I felt so alive and carefree! “Levi! You missed it I was totally flying!”

“You were!?” He yelled back extremely giddy heavily interested in my words.

I nodded hard, “Yes! I did laps around the kitchen! I was all like wooosh wooosh,” I started doing the swimming motion again and Levi started laughing at my imitations then got up off the floor. He came over to me and helped me up looking up at me with absolute jubilance.

“Oh my God Eren! If you can fly take me with you! Let’s fly around the world like that one movie! Uhh…ummm…” his head fell backward and he was looking straight up at the ceiling.

“Aladdin!” I said snapping my fingers.

“Yeah! Mother fucking Aladdin! C’mon you be the magic carpet!” He was practically jumping up and down like a kid, it was so damn cute.

“Okay!” I couldn’t resist, I couldn’t stop smiling so freakin much, I just felt so thrilled and overjoyed. Damn, life was the best and if someone said otherwise then…poop. Wait, where was I going with that sentence? Eh, who cares! I bent down and Levi climbed on my back and I was running, no sprinting around the living room with him clinging to me. It felt like I was going ten thousand billion miles an hour, I was The Flash. I’m a superhero!

“I’m king of the wooooorld!” Levi screamed throwing his hands up and wiggling. This was great, this was the best. I had a king on my back! How many people do you know that can say they had a king on their back? None!

“Go that way! Towards the sky!” He said pointing in the direction of him room. I slowed down, my head still spinning and rushing and curved making sounds with my lips like we were flying through harsh air. We made it into his room, lights already gleaming above shining wonderfully upon us. He slid down my back and practically pranced over to his stereo set flipping through tunes while moving his body rhythmically, dancing to no beat. I don’t know why, but I was bobbing my head too. Nothing was playing but it was like I could imagine music perfectly clear in my head anyway.

_They try to make me go to rehab I said no no no_

“I love this song!” I cried out spazzing like a drunk girl in the club. Levi whirled around, a massive grin rooted on his face.

“I know right!” He started snapping his fingers and began stepping forward dancing along to the beat. I started swinging my hips, digging the tunes, Levi hands were in the air swinging around and he was going in circles shaking both his upper and lower half. He turned around looking me dead in the face and smirked biting his lip before breaking out in the sprinkler dance move.

“That the best you got?” I said busting out and doing a classic twist, cranking my leg along to the beat.

“Oh you can bet your sweet ass I got more!” He said turning his back to me and actually krumping, popping his pretty booty a few times.

“Check this out,” I said straightening out my body and lifting up my arms doing very bland, precise blocky movements.

“What do you know about the robot you’re like 12?” He laughed at me completely amused. I broke out into laughter.

“What! You’re like 40 and you’re krumping you old butt!” I threw right back at him. He merely straightened out his spine and raised his head high, like someone of royalty and began to sashay past me.

“Jealoussss,” he hummed throwing a seductive smile over his shoulder and going for his bed. He climbed onto it, well threw himself onto it. He got onto his knees and stretched out his back a bit, raising his ass high in the air before standing up. “Eren, come up here!” He was waving me over hurriedly, I damn near broke out into a sprint before he stopped me. “Wait! Be careful, the floor is fucking lava you have to jump!” I looked down, holy shit he was right, when did that boiling hot lava get there?

I braced myself, squatting a few times and dived for the bed landing perfectly earning a loud woot of a cheer from Levi. He extended out and hand and I looked at his forearm. His tattoo looked vibrant as hell right now, the blue and white popping wildly. I stood up and we both grinned in each other’s face, Levi looking upward at me.

“We did it!” He exclaimed gleefully. “We made it to the clouds! We fucking did it!”

I jumped a bit on the bed, bouncy. We did do it, we were standing on the clouds right now. “Now let’s dance!”

We both began bouncing on the bed jumping up and down over and over again, laughing like kids. We were going in circles and life was feeling like a whirlwind. Everything was a blur but his face, nothing felt real except for his hands holding mine as we swung around faster. Only our laughs and the blaring music could be heard as we jumped repeatedly on the cushioned mattress. We danced and danced and danced to the point of insanity, I felt like we were both at the edge of reason, madness taking over and giving us bliss. A soft song was screaming in the background, lyrics playing over and over in my head.

_Our kind of love, it was once in a lifetime_

The lights were becoming hazy, blacking in and out repeatedly.

_It couldn’t last, it was doomed from the first time_

I looked Levi straight in the eye. Grey eyes always so dead but tonight absolutely exhilarating. He’s a devil, a beautiful devil and I can’t get away. He’s a spider, and I’m caught in his web. I can’t seem to escape. I don’t even want to. I’m addicted, trapped and entangled with him.

_In the light, you’re sickeningly beautiful_

_Say goodbye, you’re sickeningly beautiful_

We fell over, the hums of the song coming to a graceful end as Levi lay on top of me laughing breathily. My arms are spread out on the bed and my chest is rising and falling with merriment. I can’t stop smiling, I physically cannot stop. I feel like I’m the joker and this smile is stained on my face and nothing will get it to go away. This is how I want to feel forever.

“Hey brat,” Levi calls, his hands are on my side fingers playing around with my shirt. He’s so tiny.

“Yeah boo?” I don’t know where that came from but I liked it. Levi didn’t complain.

“This is fun. I’m having fun. You know what?” He lifts his head showing me a flushed face. “You’re fucking fun as hell. I like that. No scratch that I _love_ it.” His tone is a bit drawled, but I can’t help the perk of my ears at the word love.

“Love?” I repeat lifting my heavy ass head a bit. He nods.

“Yeah I love it. Erwin never liked me having fun,” he said sounding like a child.

“Fuck Erwin.”

“Yeah fuck Erwin!” He said bringing up a lazy middle finger. “That bastard can take his six foot ten thousand ass and die for all I care.” He slurred.

“Yeah,” I agreed suddenly feeling a bit burnt out. I didn’t know what was happening but my body wasn’t as alert and jumpy as it had been almost an hour ago. It was coming down, it was coming back down to reality slowly and taking my mind with it. Slowly but surely, my smile was melting. And so was his.

“I mean, you give somebody all you have and it’s still not fucking enough you know? He says jump, I ask how high. He says suck my dick, I say hey fuck that I can do better let me just fuck you. He says drop my drugs, I let the good shit go and keep the boring stuff and you know what? He _still_ bitches about it.” He’s sitting up slightly now, back a tad bit arched as his body is still fully rested on top of mine. “Men can be dicks.”

“Am I a dick?”

He rests his head back against me. “No, you have a dick but you’re not a dick. A pretty dick,” he rubs my cock lightly and giggles a tad bit before sitting up again and being completely serious for the first time all night.

“You and me Eren. Just you and mother fucking me. We’re in this together you got that? Always. We don’t need anybody else all we need is each other okay? I don’t care about anybody else, just you. Only you.”

His hands are both holding the sides of my face and I have no choice but to stare into those deranged eyes. He’s crazy. I’m crazy. Everything is fucked up, we both are, our lives are, but at least we have each other. At least I have him. That’s all I really care about because at the end of the day, who in their right mind wants to wake up and be alone?

“Fuck yeah,” I say hungrily sitting forward and grasping his face in my hands and kissing him hard. Kiss me Levi, hold me tighter, don’t leave me alone, stay with me always. Don’t you ever leave me. He’s grinding his body on me, rolling it and removes his lips from mine gunning for my neck. My back arches as his tongue does it job undoing me and his hands work their way at my shirt pulling it open. “I fucking love you,” I whimper out feeling completely flushed with heat at what he’s doing to me. “You have no idea how much I do.”

“I fucking love you too,” he says just as aggressively with hot breath directly into my ear and pulls back proceeding to tear my shirt off of me.

I have no idea if it’s just the drugs speaking for the both of us. I have no idea how far out of hand this will get between us and where we’ll end up. But for once, just once, I don’t fucking care at all. I erase and push it all out of my mind and let him take me anyway he wants to. My hands go up and I slide his shirt off, removing it from his delicate, soft skin.

Biting, clawing, marking, I don’t care because I’m his and I don’t care if the world knows. And he’s mine. No one else. No one, it would always be him. “Damn b—brat,” he moans out as I lift up forcing his cock further down my throat while fingering his ass from the bottom. He’s taking all of me in as well, I buck upward loving the feel of my dick inside his wet mouth. Sixty nine, one of my favorite positions he showed me filled with rewards for both partners. And I wanted him to know how much I appreciated him, so I sucked and finger fucked harder.

My face is buried in the sheets, ass straight up into the air as he holds my head down. He’s slapping himself into me deeply and it takes everything in me not to cum, I can’t. Not this easily. I scream, he encourages me to be louder because that turns him on and he likes that, so I comply. I can feel the skin on my ass vibrating with every strong thrust from him, I can feel my balls tightening up as he works his free hand on them. Only him. Only him, I think as he lowers down biting hard in the crook of my neck no doubt leaving a mark.

The sound of him screaming is even sweeter than the sound of him fucking me. My body is hovering over his back, this time his face in the sheets as I pound mercilessly away at him from behind. He’s hand fucking himself I can tell, he’s so tight and it’s so beautiful. This was where I belonged, here with him whether it be next to him or inside him. He was home.

He’s clinging to me, nails digging deep into my shoulders as he grinds in my lap and I can feel myself slipping away. I’m scratching like an animal at his back, deep, making sure to leave visible marks claiming my territory. The lights on the ceiling are all becoming one, the sweat on both our skin is shining, my heart is pounding, my vision is becoming blurry and—

“Levi!” I shout cumming hard, one of the hardest I’ve ever done and when I do a flash of complete white light takes over and I see nothing. The tone is my ears is dead, flat, my body is checked out and done. I fall backwards on my back and feel the crash of him next. I somehow wrap my arms around him in my haze where nothing makes sense but him.

“No one but you,” I whisper not exactly planning for him to hear it but because it had to come out. “No one…” but nothing else was said because at that moment complete darkness took over and the lights on the ceiling were nothing to me anymore.

 

“I feel…” Levi began hand touching the back of his head. “Like shit.” Somehow, after all the fiasco last night he had ended up on the floor tangled up naked in the white sheets. The stereo was not playing anymore, maybe one of us cut it off in the night I had no clue.

I groaned, lifting up my head and feeling the exact same as he did, like I had been hit by a semi truck at full speed. “Oh my God, how high were we last night?” I asked holding my head with both hands, it felt like it was going to fall off.

I heard Levi exhale deeply and lift himself from the floor. “I don’t even know. Maybe—”

“Good morning!” A brunette woman had poked her head in the doorway of Levi’s room. She was dressed comfortably, a long sleeved shaggy grey sweatshirt and a pair of navy blue leggings with brown ankle boots. Immediately the both of us stopped and shot our eyes her way like scared cats. Like a true couple, we both had the same first response.

“Ahh!” We both shrieked reaching for sheets to cover over our naked bodies. Levi reached down to the ground and wrapped his lower half up and I took the entire sheet and turned myself into a joint, wrapping it around my whole body. “Hanji what the fuck!” Levi yelled throwing a hand at her then touching his head dramatically. Screaming at her wouldn’t help, not with these headaches we had.

She rolled her eyes, “Oh please. See one and you’ve seen them all,” she said shrugging off both our dicks. “You guys are lucky I came here, you were both in some heat with the landlord apparently.”

I sat up. “Why? What did we do?” I asked.

She motioned to the stereo set. “Your neighbors were reporting loud music all hours of the night. There were a few families and the landlord standing outside your door beating on it, I’m surprised you didn’t hear it.” She said with hands on her hips, then she shrugged. “But then again seeing as to what you were both doing I’m not surprised.”

I thought about it. Good thing Hanji had shown up when she did, had the landlord knocked down the door and invaded or even called the police both of us would be in prison right now for all the supply we had. Jeez, talk about a close call.

We heard a loud, screeching noise coming from the kitchen and I watched as Levi plugged his ear as Hanji scattered off making the noise stop. I got off the bed, Levi stepped forward and we both followed the odd woman. She had been making tea.

“That better be black tea,” Levi gruffed walking over to stand next to her. She had already had mugs placed out on the counter as she poured the hot water into them down a line.

“Of course it is,” she said. “Someone has to fuel your sick obsession Levi.” He reached for a cup the second she was done filling it and took a sip. I didn’t understand how he could drink something so hell hot straight off the stove like that. It was nice to see the slight visible change in his features at drinking his favorite beverage.

“You know I hate to admit it but you make it the best,” he said seeming quite pleased and walked toward me stopping by my side and standing up on his tippy toes to kiss me on the cheek. I blushed a bit though I don’t know why.

“Cuties,” Hanji giggled coming over and handing me a cup of tea as well before making her way over to the couch. All I could do was stare at the heat flames coming up from the drink. I didn’t want to risk burning my lips off, so I would wait till it cooled off.

Levi pinched my butt mischievously while Hanji had her back turned and before I could even spazz out she had sat down facing us both. He smirked, making his way over to her on the couch and sitting on the other end of it.

“So,” she began sitting forward eagerly. “How was it?”

“I have no clue what you’re talking about,” Levi replied jokingly before taking a sip of the tea again. I had never seen Hanji make such an obvious bitch face.

“Oh shut up! You two were tripping out last night, I know you were. I told you Moblit got the good stuff didn’t I? We haven’t tried it yet but based off what I saw here, it must’ve been wild!” She was so excited to be talking about the drugs. She didn’t come off as such an addict last night, only a minor one. Maybe I had gotten the wrong idea last night.

Levi sighed, “It was incredible. Eren, actually made it to two snorts, you should be proud of him. I had three set up,” he sounded so proud as he pointed a thumb at me. They both glanced over to me standing there by myself.

“True story,” I added shrugging. Then my eyes zoned in on the table and unlike last night, it was spotless. No traces of anything from last night and the trippy dreamland we entered. “Did you clean up the coke too?” I asked Hanji thinking she must’ve put my extra line back in the bag. She shook her head.

“There was nothing there when I got here,” she confessed sounding confused at my question. To this Levi raised his free hand up.

“Yeah that was me. Eren never finished his last line so I hit it.” That was news to my ears.

“I didn’t?” I asked getting interested in this conversation now. I walked over to the chairs by the counter and scooted into one.

“Nope,” Levi’s lips popped as he enunciated the word. Then a small grin took over him, “As usual, he passed the fuck out. Man, we have really got to get you seasoned, you can’t just keep blacking out like that.”

Hmm, I didn’t even remember that happening. I remember flying, and feeling like I was the happiest person on the earth. I remember smiling like a creep and laughing a lot but passing out had been erased from my memory. Actually, a lot of details had been forgotten only major events stuck with me. But there was one thing I did remember vividly. Levi had said he loved me. He said it back when I told him how I felt. He didn’t reject my feelings. Just the thought of it was making my blood feel warm, and putting a tingle throughout my toes causing me to wiggle them.

“Wow,” Hanji began, “So what else happened?”

Levi scratched his head with a finger, pondering. “Uhh, I think we had a dance off. Pretty sure I destroyed him in that,” he added in slyly.

“Ha, right,” I said sarcastically looking down into my cooled down tea and taking a small sip. Perfect, room temperature the way I like it.

Hanji had burst into laughter and almost fell off the couch. She reminded me of something like a hyena whenever she thought something was funny. “That’s priceless! I wish I could’ve recorded that! I can think of a few people who would pay good money to see you dancing,” she said wiggling her eyebrows at him.

“Don’t make it weird Hanji,” Levi said sighing like someone who had years of experience dealing with her. She chuckled.

“You know I can’t help it, it’s who I am.”

“And sadly that can’t be changed,” he said rolling his eyes. She leapt forward throwing her arms around him.

“You know you love me Levi,” she said cuddling him all while he tried to pull away to her amusement. I couldn’t help but laugh at the sight of them, they looked like two kids on the playground with all the banter they threw back and forward.

“Yeah, sure, whatever, just get off me shitty glasses, I just want to finish my morning tea before I shit myself.” He sounded like he had reached his limit of Hanji, she must’ve sensed it because she pulled apart grabbing him by the shoulders.

“Alright let me leave before you beat me up. I just wanted to see how good the drugs were,” she got up off the couch and walked around it towards the door reaching for her coat she hung on the rack. She was pushing the coat over her shoulders and extending her arms in when she proceeded speaking. “Hey, you guys both did take off for Halloween right?”

There she was talking about Halloween again, actually this was the third time either of them had mentioned it. “I don’t have anything planned then.” I spoke up, Hanji smiled at my answer then looked to my shorter half.

“What about you?” She jerked her head at him. He stood up walking around the small table back towards his room aiming for the bathroom.

“Why do you even ask me that question anymore when you already know the answer?” He questioned.

“Because I never know what’s really going on in your head! I’m just trying to make sure you don’t break tradition here!” She hollered. Levi brought up a hand waving her off.

“I’m going you spazz, don’t even worry about it.” To this, she perked up heavily, smiling like she had won the lottery.

“Great! See you both on Halloween!” She waved bye to us before jetting out of the door.

“Finally,” Levi sighed, hand on the doorway to his room. “Her nagging was starting to make me feel constipated,” he shared with me. I smiled at his poop talk.

“Everything makes you constipated,” I said getting up and going to the kitchen to clean out my cup.

“Not you,” Levi responded causing me to pause and turn around to face him slowly.

“Was that you trying to be romantic again?”

He shrugged. “Maybe. Did it work?”

“No way! Go poop old man,” I shooed him and he went off to handle his business. I was in a great mood. Not only had last night been amazing in experience but it was also good in general. Levi had said he loved me. My hands were slipping trying to wash the dishes just thinking about it. To think, that was how he felt about me.

I had been sure that my feelings were completely one sided and yet last night I had been proven wrong. He loved me. Loved me. There was absolutely nothing in this world that could bring me down off this high now. I finished up with the cup and dried it off before placing it back into the cabinet where it belonged. Then I made my way over to his lair before poking my head in the bathroom.

There he was in his most comfortable form, sheets thrown off his body as he sat completely naked on the toilet, door wide open. “You just can’t sit like a normal person can you?” I asked looking at his form. He was backwards, butt facing outward flashing anyone who walked by and arms rested on the lid on back with his chin resting on his arms.

He turned his resting head over my way, “More people should sit like this. I keep telling you this is what toilets were made to be. Like couches. Colder, rock hard, couches that you can shit in. It’s my ideal piece of furniture.”

Oh how I really wished he was joking. I stepped backward before the smell even hit my nose and sat a bit out of his view on the edge of the bed. I didn’t know how to bring up what happened last night, so I figured I’d ease my ease into that. “So, what’s the big deal with Halloween?” Good start, it was something I really had been curious about.

Levi didn’t say anything, but when I heard a light splash of water I cringed knowing he needed to concentrate at that moment. We were an odd couple talking to each other while the other shitted, but I loved that about us. “Hanji has this tradition where every year, her and some of her stripper friends go out and party all night. She drags me along too and basically she wants you to go too,” he called out to me from the bathroom. A party? That was what the fuss was about?

“That doesn’t sound like something particularly special,” I shared rubbing my hand on the back of my neck. All Levi did was grunt in response to me. Quiet again. I looked around the room feeling the flutter of my heart begin. Damn I was nervous, what was I supposed to say? How did I even bring it up? Its times like this where I wished there was a manual to love and all I had to do was read and follow instructions. Life would be so easy then.

“Thank you Eren,” I heard him say softly from the bathroom causing me to snap up and straight in the bathroom though I could see nothing but his bare booty.

“For what?” I asked utterly confused. Last time I checked I hadn’t done anything special, unless he was talking about that thing I did with my finger last night that he liked.

“For last night. I don’t really remember a lot of what happened but I do remember seeing your face. You were smiling a lot.” He paused seeming to search for words. “You should do that more often, it looks cute on you.”

Was that a compliment? I blushed, feeling the warmth take over again. Anything he said to me sounded so wonderful to my ears. “Right back at you. You were pretty happy. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you giggle before but you did it a lot last night.” Never would I forget those genuine laughs from him and seeing him smile. It really was a beautiful thing. “We should do that again sometime.”

“You can bet your ass we will,” he said and I heard another drop hit the water. Geez, how backed up was he?

I gulped, it was now or never. Ask now or never do it again. I had to grow a pair and ask him. “Hey so umm, what else do you remember from last night?” Be cool about it, I couldn’t just burst out with my main question of concern, I needed to feel things out.

“You mean like in general?” He asked, voice echoing through the bathroom walls.

“Yeah, anything.” I responded hastily bringing my legs up on the bed the curl them up under. I could hear him humming, meaning he was scanning his brain for memories.

“Well like I said before, I remember you passing out cold on the floor. I think you said something about flying or some shit like that.” Good. Keep going. “I’m pretty sure I said something corny as hell from _Titanic_ which you have no idea how ashamed I am of that realization. Let’s see the dance battle, a lot of rushing wind and bright lights, and then us fucking.” He stopped talking and I heard him shift around, before flushing the toilet.

No, there had to be more to that. “Is that it? You don’t remember anything else?” I asked standing up now. The faucet was running as he washed his hands thoroughly before cutting it off and drying them. He poked his head out the bathroom.

“No, I just told you everything.” That was impossible. This was like a cartoon, a bad one as it was just too ironic that he would remember all the fucked up shit but not the most important thing.

“So nothing?” I stood up pressing my hands together as he came out of the bathroom completely naked while I still was wrapped in the sheets. “Not a single thing we talked about is ringing in your head? You don’t remember anything you said at all? You know the whole ‘Fuck Erwin conversation’?” I was desperate; I needed him to remember everything that had happened because it was important. We had confessed our feelings, we had told each other how we felt; he told me it was just him and me. I needed to know if all that was true still.

He raised an eyebrow, “Eren that sounds like something I would say on any normal day. Are you sure you’re not just making shit up?” He asked coming forward.

“Of course I’m sure!” I didn’t mean to but I had hollered at him. “I told you—” I stopped. “You said—” I stopped again. He didn’t remember. So I was right then, it was just the drugs doing all the talking last night and not him.

He blinked. “What did I say?” He pressed. I stared back at him and contemplated my next move. I wanted to tell him but if I did, then how would he react? Clearly he hadn’t said it out of love but more out of being high under influence of drugs. But I knew mine was real, I had meant it.

I bit my lip and lowered my head sucking in air before letting it out, exhaling, “You said you wanted to have more fun and I said yeah we should do this a lot more and you agreed.” I lied, and with every word I spoke I felt my heart breaking.

Levi remained staring at me, eyes scanning over my face for a few more extended seconds. I didn’t know if he really believed me, I wouldn’t even believe myself had I been on the opposite side hearing this lie. He didn’t question it. “Hmm,” he walked over to his drawers and put on some boxers wiggling into them and I watched. Then he bent back down pulling something else out, a bag of weed. “Smoke before we start the day?”

I stared at the bag dangling in his hand then back into his eyes as they waited for an answer. I loved this man, and I wanted to be with him. I wanted to be by his side so badly. Maybe it was best he didn’t know how I felt, there was no telling what the revelation of my feelings would make him think.

“Sure,” I agreed. And so here I was again, beginning my day with disappointment and drugs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aww poor Eren :(  
> well as always, if you have any comments, questions, criticisms, witticisms, concerns, drop them on down or find me on tumblr at loseourmindstogether. Also i track this fic under ' fic: torture' so i'll see anything through that too. Bye loves, see you next week!


	16. I'm Selfish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because jealousy here and there is good in a relationship

You know what? School is kind of funny. All throughout elementary school, you’re taught things like don’t lie or steal, that doesn’t make you a good person. Or to share your toys with classmates because ‘sharing is caring’ but we all know that’s bullshit. Then in middle school they give you small hints, like say no to cigarettes because they’ll kill you blah blah blah. Oh but then in high school they lie to you completely. They tell you to stay away from everything, they have the nerve to call all drugs the enemy! They twist your mind up with this bullshit saying things like ‘it’ll fry your brain’ and ‘they take away your life’. These are all the biggest lies society has even tried to tell us.

If anything, drugs have given me a life. They’ve intensified my brain and made me see things that were never clear to me before, expanded my mind. They make me laugh, they’ve helped me cry, they help me stand on my own two feet. They led me to him. They brought us together. Why say such bad things about them when all they’ve done is help promote my life?

“Well what do you have to say for yourself?” It was clearly a male speaking to me, angry and fussing about something with me. Something… “Eren!”

That caught me. “Huh?” I was in my room, sitting on the edge of my bed, feet risen off the floor. Grisha had been standing in front of me, holding up a letter in front of my face. I remember him yelling at me to read it before zoning out.

He looked enraged, his fingers were creating creases on top of the page as he gripped into it tighter. “This makes no sense whatsoever!” He shook the paper one last time before turning his back to me, eyes scanning the thing one more time. “28 absences! 28 absences…are you out of your mind!?” He turned shouting to me motioning his hands toward his head pointing harshly at his temples.

“You don’t need to yell…” I said under my breath bringing up a foot on the bed with me.

“No, clearly I do because if I don’t, things like this happen!” He emphasized the paper again. “The fact that your school had to send me a letter telling me my son— _my son_ has been absent all these days is absolutely ridiculous! And then to make matters worse, you’re failing your classes!” He was getting worked up again, taking a few laps around the room to help himself calm down. “Okay Eren, work with me here. Help me understand why you have _not_ been going to school. What exactly have you been doing that could be so much more important than your education?”

Levi. It was the first thing that popped into my mind. Oh and drugs too. That cocaine has been crazy stuff. But he didn’t need to know all of that. I began to open my mouth when he raised up a finger.

“So help me if the next words out of your mouth are a lie…” he growled. Okay, time to close my mouth again. And so we sat there staring each other down, going back to square one. I didn’t want to lie to him, that would only land me in more trouble when that was busted but at the same time telling the truth was completely not an option. I had to think of another way to handle this. One that would ultimately cause more work and stress on me…

“Grisha,” I began tiredly. I had a long night with Levi and honestly had only stepped into the house because I needed to grab some clothes to bring to his place. It was just rotten luck that I ran into this problem. “I’m sorry. I know I haven’t exactly been the best son, _clearly_ ,” I emphasized nudging my head at the snitch letter. “But from now on, I’ll work even harder to get things right. I’ll get a tutor in all my classes, I’ll start going to school every day, come back home straight after school, anything you want.” I tried to be convincing. I needed him to go for this.

His eyes challenged me through his thick lenses for quite some time, like he was trying desperately to peer into the depths of my brain. He blinked, looking away towards the window before crossing his arms. “I don’t know Eren. As great as all that sounds, I just don’t know if you can be trusted. You’ve already been betraying me so much…I think I might have to ground you.” He seemed unsure of what to do, being a technical new parent and all. Those words, I knew all too well. _No._

“No please!” I jumped forward a little bit grasping his attention. “I mean it; I’ll stop playing around so much. No more skipping school, I promise. I’ll get my act together asap but don’t ground me. Not in my senior year, I’ll miss all the events. Please dad,” I threw in that last word for extra effect. I would never call Grisha dad but right now wasn’t a time for pride. Halloween was in three days. Grounded meant no Halloween, no Halloween meant no Levi. Absolute must not.

Grisha seemed to simmer down thanks to the old ‘dad’ card and exhaled what seemed to be all the air from his lungs. “Eren, I just want the best for you, you know that. I know things are still fresh and that we still have so many questions that need answering but you can’t carry your pain on your shoulders like that all the time. You need to go to school so that you can have an education.” He paused, folding up the letter before putting it into his pocket. “It’s…it’s what your mother would want.”

I couldn’t help the light twitch of my eyes at that. What would he know about what mom would want? He wasn’t even there. “Starting tomorrow, I want you home every day after school like you suggested. I’m not trying to restrict your fun but it has to be done son. Mikasa is going to be telling me if you don’t come back or not so don’t try anything sneaky you hear me?” He was pointing a finger at me and I stared at the bud of it before meeting his eyes and nodding.

“Good,” he said turning to leave my room.

“How long is this going to be for?” Curiosity never hurt anyone. Grisha looked over his shoulder.

“Until I can actually see some improvement in your studies. I’ll be damned if my son doesn’t graduate on time.” And with that he left my room leaving me by myself. Well on that note, time to go see my tutor.

 

“You’re so evil,” he teased laughing at my story while I lay flat on the floor with all my books open. Before I left the house Grisha had told me that he planned on calling my teachers every week to make sure I was doing my homework and indeed improving. Which meant that I really did need to get my ass in gear. “Pulling the daddy card was wrong on so many levels,” Levi snickered from the couch in the living room. I had caught him in mid workout when I walked into the door, so after watching him high kick the air for about thirty minutes or so he crashed on the couch in nothing but workout shorts on and a towel over his head.  

“I had no other choice. It was either that or be locked away in my room like a princess stuck in a tower.” I was over exaggerating really. Grisha worked a night shift so even if I didn’t come home I was sure Mikasa wouldn’t really rat on me. He was never around to really know what was happening. I guess him calling the school was his way of making up for it.

“Which by the way,” Levi said ruffling his hair up underneath the towel and coming over. “If you’re failing all your classes why would you come ask me for help?” He stood next to me, looking down at me doing work from above.

“Because you’re smart,” I replied as if it were obvious.

“Well duh,” he replied soaking the compliment in like I knew he would. “But still, I’m your boyfriend not your dad. I feel like a parent helping you with this.” He sneered going for the kitchen to grab something to drink. I smirked to myself while filling in an answer for my math class.

“You don’t have a problem with it during sex,” I muttered and I could physically hear him stiffen up from me calling him out on his kink.

“Those are two totally different things. Never compare sex and school.” He stopped pouring himself a glass of something before I heard his voice come back into the air. “Unless you’re talking about dressing up. Then I’m game.” And I called Erwin the old pervert, clearly it was all him.

“Speaking of school, did you ever go to college Levi?” It was a question that I had been wanting to know. Clearly he was educated as he was a very smart man.

“No,” he replied swiftly. “Being in debt to the point of considering suicide isn’t exactly a fantasy for me.” He seemed disgusted by the mere thought of it as he came over and sat next to me, knee brushing my side.

I nodded, “Exactly, that’s why I’m not going.”

“Oh yes the fuck you are,” he corrected me pinching at my butt that had been exposed to the air. I jumped, wiggling around a bit before settling.

“But you didn’t and you turned out fine!” I turned now so that I was facing him. He rolled his eyes.

“Because working in a strenuous power plant with ridiculous slave hours and manual labor is ‘doing fine’. Stop comparing yourself to me. For all you know you could be smarter than me.” There was a pause where we both remained staring at each other straight faced not saying a thing. “Yeah okay that was stupid to say. But you get my point. You’re going to college and that’s final.”

I sighed, it was the things like this that I didn’t understand about him. He was this cool, aloof guy that cared so much about little things like me and my dad having a strong bond, and now it was going to school. “Why do you care so much?” I asked him causing his eyes to glance sideways at me. He didn’t answer at first, he just leaned lower placing a hand a top my head titling it a bit before kissing me affectionately on the forehead.

“Because it’s my job to,” he said pulling apart. “Also, it’s the same thing I told you before, it hasn’t changed. You have opportunities in front of your eyes that most kids don’t. I didn’t when I was your age. Stop trying to take the hard route and just go to school and be the smartest damn kid out there.”

My heart was pounding and my skin was yearning for more of his touch. “Okay.” I agreed letting the subject go. I looked down to my homework to see that it was mostly done anyway, I would finish the rest during school in the morning before each class. “So what is this about? You want me to experience things you personally never had the chance to. Am I right?” I asked closing a book.

He blinked a few times, face stiff and unresponsive, “Look at you using that brain,” so for Levi that meant yes. In a way that was actually very noble of him. Making sure that I fulfilled the things in my life that he never had. Hanji was right; he really was a good guy underneath all the hard exterior. I knew I had chosen the right man to fall for.

“Eren you’re doing it again,” he warned backing up a bit. “You’re staring at me with that look in your eye like shitty glasses does,” yeah, it’s called love.

I sat up now, so I could be on his level and brought my hands out gently caressing slowly down the lengths of his arms before going over his defined abs. I was leaning forward and he was preparing to meet me. I know he doesn’t love me back but that’s okay, that doesn’t mean my feeling about him have to stop. That doesn’t mean my feelings have to deplete, no I was going to let them grow. And I would start it off by kissing his—

Suddenly his hands were on my shoulders and he was yanking me back quickly. He was staring at my face as if someone had replaced it. “What? Is something—” I stopped when I felt the warmth trickle down the small space between my upper lip and nose. A small bit had gotten into my mouth and I knew instantly what it was. My nose was bleeding.

“Crap,” I muttered putting a hand underneath my nose to catch stray blood drops while Levi got up fast to grab some toilet paper. He returned quickly and titled my head backward with ease holding the tissue to my nose.

“You really have been sniffing that coke haven’t you?” He asked me pressing my nose a bit tighter. I cringed and when I tried to bring my hand up he swatted it away easily.

“I did it a few times yeah,” and man were those some amazing times. We had separated our stashes so that one would not accidentally use up the others and in doing so that meant I had all around access to mine, not just at Levi’s house alone.

His eyes narrowed as he stared down on me, “You’re not being reckless are you? I really fucking hope you’re not walking around carrying it on your persons,” he scolded. I sheepishly grinned and went into my pocket pulling out what remained of my cocaine and he snatched it away with such a force he almost dropped me. “Damn it Eren! All it takes is one time to get busted with this and you’re done! They’ll lock your ass up so fast you won’t even have time to blink. I won’t be able to bail you out of that one,” he was snapping on me, clearly upset with my decision and I wanted to explain myself but honestly I had nothing to really say. I tried leaving it at home like he told me to but…I couldn’t. When I looked at it I just couldn’t tear myself away from it, I was scared someone else would find it and use it all up. I couldn’t have that happening.

“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to make you mad I just really wanted it with me. I know it was stupid Levi. Please don’t be mad,” I lifted myself up causing the tissue to fall and started to wrap my arms around him and dig my head into his bare chest. I don’t know why but just the thought that he would be upset with me was making me feel emotional.

“Just be smarter,” he pulled me by my shoulders and tore me off him making me look him in the eyes. “I’m serious. Someone like you would’ve survive a day inside the walls of prison and I don’t want you going there.” I was gazing into his eyes and from the urgency in them I knew he was being stern with me and meant it. But there was something else in there, something I wasn’t sure about…

“Are you…are you speaking from personal experience?” I asked him creaking my head forward a bit. His mouth was set in a grim line and I noticed the flicker of his eyes elsewhere quickly before they focused back on me.

“Just don’t do it again,” he said getting up and walking away. I watched as his figure disappeared and remained on the floor pondering what in the hell Levi would have gone to prison for.

 

“I can’t,” I choked out feeling completely suffocated. “I can’t do this,” I repeated again staring at myself in the body length mirror.

“Eren, stop being dramatic,” I heard Levi scold me from the other side of the curtain.

“Well excuse me but I don’t like flashing my body for the world to see!” I bit back harshly pulling back the curtain a bit just enough to let my lips be seen.

“Was that a diss at my job?” Hanji sounded off loudly. “Hey Eren what are you trying to say!?” Hanji hollered ruffling with the curtains to my absolute horror. Immediately my hands shot out and I pulled at them to keep them in place.

“Hanji please stop!” I yelled, desperate for her to comply. We were inside of one of those weird sex store places and Hanji had insisted I try something on, thought why I had no idea. It was already embarrassing enough to come into this place but now to have her causing a scene? Seriously just kill me now.

“You’ve been in there for twenty minutes,” Levi complained joining in on the fuss. “It doesn’t take that long to put on virtually nothing. Get out here already,” there was a rough tug at the fabric and while it did jerk me from the position a bit, I didn’t give up.

“No,” I said standing my ground. There was momentary silence till I heard an exasperated sigh from Levi.

“Why not?” He was getting fussy and sounded just as much like a brat as he always called me.

“Because I look stupid.”

“What’s new?”

“Do you ever have anything nice to say?” I countered back at him.

“No, my brain doesn’t work that way. It’s a defect,” he joked.

“If you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything at all,” I reminded him through the curtain, I could almost imagine how done his facial expression was and it almost made me smile.

“Then I would never get to say anything,” he admitted.

“That doesn’t sound too bad, a mute Levi. I can dig it,” Hanji interjected. I guessed from the curt cut of her laughing that Levi must’ve been giving her the glare of doom as I liked to call it. Strong enough to kill all joy and make babies cry.

“For fuck’s sake, if you won’t come out I’m coming in!” Levi shouted wrestling me through the curtain.

“Levi, stop you’re gonna break it!” Hanji warned.

“Get your filthy hands off me shitty glasses! I saw you sneeze in your hand earlier!” Why did everything have to turn into a madhouse when I was with them both? We couldn’t even do drugs together without doing the weirdest shit and having the strangest conversations. No one would believe the things they said when high even if I told them.

“Is there a problem here?” I heard an employee come in and ask. Just then I poked my head completely outside the curtain with an urgency and both Levi, who was lifted off his feet by Hanji, and Hanji snapped their head backwards.

“NO!” We all yelled in unison. The woman jumped; yeah we were a pretty bizarre crowd.

“Hanji, could you come in here for a minute?” I asked looking straight up past Levi to her.

“What?!” Levi sounded in complete disbelief. “So you’ll let her see you half naked but not me?” He kept going on as Hanji put him down.

“Sounds like you’ve been dumped Levi,” Hanji joked wagging a finger at him. He looked at her dead panned but with narrowed eyes.

“Hanji I don’t want to have to slap you, but I think I’m gonna slap you,” he threatened flatly.

“You wouldn’t hit a woman would you?” She flaunted redirecting back at her precious boobs again. Those things really were her treasure.

He looked like he wanted to respond back, anything witty but instead I saw him flicker his eyes up at me then back to Hanji before he grumbled and bit his lip. “Fine. You two do whatever the hell you want, I’m going to go look around,” he crossed his arms and trotted away turning out of the changing room area. We both watched him go and just when he was out of sight Hanji stepped into my room. “He’s really got to work on that jealousy of his,” Hanji commented before looking over to me. “Ohhhh Eren you look like a hot mama!” She said clasping her hands together.

Her eyes started from the bottom, where from my knee downward I had on a pair of pink and purple striped fluffies with hearts on the sides. My legs were bare and my ass almost hung out as I had on a tight neon pink pair of cheeky underwear that ran up the crack of my ass with a purple mini tutu sitting on my waist. My mid section was all exposed, and up top I had on was a matching pink bikini top with a black studded skull on the right breast. Then worst of all, on my head I had on a cat eared fuzzy rainbow hat that came all the way down to my nipples.

“Hanji, I don’t understand what I’m even supposed to be,” I said lifting my arms up and looking down my abs.

“Who cares! Levi will love this! He’s totally gonna have a boner with one look at you,” she was excited and went on and on rambling about how proud she was that she picked this out. This was Halloween shopping, as I was the only one of our group that didn’t have a costume. Still, that didn’t explain why I had to look like such a slut, I didn’t even know what everyone else was wearing and I didn’t want to stand out.

“Okay but why do I have to dress up like a woman?” I pressed. She stopped completely and out one finger against her lip analyzing me.

“Well I don’t know I just assumed that Levi was the pitcher in the relationship.”

“What does that mean?” I had no idea what she was talking about but then again, when did I ever?

“Never mind, we’ll save that pervy conversation for another day. Go ahead and take those clothes off, we’re buying them. Hurry before Levi kills someone out there with his cold gaze.” She was making moves to exit the small clothing room but I couldn’t let her do that. There were questions I had that only she could answer and I didn’t know when I would get another chance like this.

“Hey Hanji wait a sec,” I said lightly causing her to stop right at the curtain and look over her shoulder. “I want to talk to you about something.” Her hand dropped from mid air and she turned back around fully.

“Go on,” she motioned for me to continue. I took a deep breath bringing my hands together.

“Okay. Well, um, you’ve know Levi for a really long time…”

“Uh huh,” she agreed.

“And you guys get high together a lot. You know liking drugs and all…” I was waving my hand around awkwardly.

“Yes…”

“Does he usually say things that he doesn’t mean when he’s high? Like, can his words be trusted when he’s like that or does he just lie?” Of course I knew exactly what I was referring to. I had told him I loved him that night we did cocaine for the first time and he said it back. But he didn’t remember it at all, not a single word he had uttered to me. All of it erased. The thought of that day would not let me go, I needed answers.

“Eren,” Hanji began suddenly sounding nothing like the playful woman I had first met. “If you know Levi like the way I think you do, then you know one things for sure. He’s no bullshitter.” She came back fully into the room and went and sat down on a small bench located in here. “See, the thing you need to understand is, is that people like us do drugs for a reason. Whether we need it for courage, to forget memories, to move on, to feel loved…” her voice wondered off to my ears as that word sang through my mind momentarily. “We are not ourselves when that drug takes over. It’s like certain parts of our brains that would normally be screaming at us to shut the fuck up are on lock down. We express everything we feel and vocalize it loud and clear.”

We are not ourselves. That was true. I am not a happy person, and yet when I’m high off of drugs I’m the giddiest person on the planet. I am not creative but yet when I’m high all I can think about are poems I want to write for him, songs that remind me of him…

“I don’t know if I’m really answering your question, but usually when someone says something when intoxicated, 99.9% percent of the time it’s coming from the heart. It’s just something they’re too afraid to say out loud when sober.”

So there it was. It didn’t come from him mouth, he didn’t confirm it or even remember it but he had said it. And suddenly, that hope that gleamed bright inside of me was back. There was hope. Hope.

 

“Are you really not going to talk to me for the rest of the night?” I asked as we drove back from Cold Stones ice cream. Hanji had drove separately from us and followed us after my costume shopping. We sat around eating the delicious sweet killing about an hour and a half before she had to leave due to work. Now, it was just us alone in his car and in complete silence as he stared hard ahead on the road.

“Damn right,” he replied gripping the wheel. I should be more concerned about him being upset, but seeing as how this was more of a hissy fit I wasn’t too concerned. It was nothing to break up with me over.

“You replied just now,” I said resting my arm on the island between us.

“Shut the fuck up Eren,” he said swiftly. I sighed and scooted away leaning back in my seat.

“I don’t know why you’re all sour, all she did was help me out.” I said.

“That’s not the point. _She_ picked out the outfit. _She_ got to see you wearing it. _She_ saw you half naked.” I looked over to him.

“Levi, you know I’m not attracted to Hanji right?” He needed to know that.

We had pulled up in my driveway, tonight I would be staying home as Levi had to get up really early for work tomorrow. He crept up in the driveway slowly, and sighed heavily before putting the vehicle in park and twisting the key, shutting the contraption off.

“I know that brat. I know it’s just I have a little bit of a problem when it comes to jealousy.” He admitted turning and looking over to me. While that wasn’t a shock to me, this was indeed the first time I had heard him express his feelings about the issue towards me. Come to think of it, he was like that with Erwin too. I remembered when I mentioned him and Armin he had gotten jealous. “Can I tell the truth?” He suddenly said causing me to lift an eyebrow.

“Always,” I responded. I really wanted him to feel open with me about anything.

“I still don’t understand why you chose me. That day in the bathroom at my place, you told me how you felt. You tried to make me see all the positive aspects about myself that you see but I still just…don’t. I know what kind of person I am inside and it’s so ugly. I know the fucked up shit I’ve done in the past, I carry it around in my head every day. You came to me because you think that I have all these things figured out but the truth is I’m fucking lost. I’m blind Eren; I’ve been stuck in the dark for so long doing nothing but wasting my life away just dying inside. Every day. And I know I bring him up a lot but you have to understand, with Erwin I was desperate. I couldn’t believe that someone like him would even look my way and acknowledge my existence. I was a train wreck, I thought being with him would cure everything but it didn’t because that’s not reality.” His voice had an urgency to it that could not be ignored. We were looking straight into each other’s eyes, willing to look beyond and glimpse at the soul.

“What are you saying?” I asked scanning into gray pits of despair. There was a message he was trying to convey to me that I needed to grasp.

“I’m saying, that I am depressed individual Eren. Just because you see me smile a few times doesn’t mean that it’s gone. It just means I had a good day and was able to bite back my shitty issues for some time but it’s still there, festering inside me.” His hand reached up and touched lightly over his chest, his heart. “I know now. Being in a relationship doesn’t cure you. My pain… my sadness, it won’t just go away that easily. I thought I needed to find someone who could fix me and it failed, backfired because in the end my darkness drove that person away. So if I get jealous, it’s because I don’t understand why you’re still here with me. It’s because I know what else is out there for you and yet you have doomed yourself by picking me. It’s because I know I’m a fucking horrible person, and yet you’re still here when you could have someone better.”

I had never seen him this emotional with me. There were no tears on his face, I believed all of those had been drained out a long time again and inside he was dry. He was insecure. He had doubts. He had doubts about us and he actually believed that I would up and go off to find someone better. How wrong could he be?

“It’s selfish,” he began again gazing downward eyes lost somewhere else. “I was so tired of being alone that I dragged you along with me. I got you hooked on this fucked up path too. I knew I shouldn’t have done it, I knew I should’ve never opened up my fucking mouth but I did. And now you’re here addicted with me. I ruined you,” his voice seemed to disappear and fade off into the darkness that had been taking over the car. His face was cast away to me now, only a small bit of moonlight shone on him highlighting the small curve of his nose that I loved so much. I didn’t think, I reached forward and grasped his delicate wrist, and pulled myself forward crossing over into his dark shadow casting, both my hand catching his face.

Even in the dark I could see him enough, he was too familiar to me now. I knew the frame of his face, the exact angle I would have to turn mine in order to meet his lips smoothly. But that’s not what I want to do, I don’t want to silence him with a kiss. I want to breathe life into him. My lips land themselves on his forehead, sticking there for only a moment before traveling downward slightly to the left to meet his cheek, then slowly glazing over to the next cheek, before finally resting on the tip of his nose.

“I know you have a dark past,” I utter out to him in the dark. “I know you have things you don’t want to tell me yet. I know that I can’t fix you. I know that. But just because I can’t fix you doesn’t mean I won’t cling to you.” I heard his light gasp as the impact of my words struck him. “It was you who stayed by me, in all the chaos that erupted in my life after my mom— you were the only thing that stood clear to me. You gave me a way and whether it’s destructive or not it was _my_ choice. You didn’t force me to stay by your side. It’s not your fault as I could’ve easily walked away the second you offered it to me. Don’t make yourself out to be this monster that corrupted me, one way or another I was going to get myself into something. If not drugs, maybe self harm. Who knows? I’m a troublesome little shit remember? Getting into bad shit is what I do, it’s in my nature.”

His breathing pattern had changed, I couldn’t read him at all but his face had grown quite warm inside my hands. “Levi?” I called out but it was pointless. In an instant, his lips had found mine sending static shocks upward into my brain and loosening up my muscles. Old thoughts occurred in my head. Only him, I would only ever want him. I couldn’t deny it anymore. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. Sometimes when you feel strongly about someone you just have to let them know because it feels like keeping it inside will kill you.

“Levi…” I breathed out in the kiss. “I…I...I lo—” and from the darkness a cupped palm came out and gently clung itself to my face over my lips.

“Please,” he began, still completely hidden to me and the only thing I could register was his voice. It wavered, weakly. “Please don’t. I just…you shouldn’t.” It was my turn for my face to feel hot. He knew what I was going to say and he had stopped me. He stopped me.

His hand fell rather limply from my face and with its exit I sucked in much breath slowly. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable it’s just how I feel.” I’m in love with you. Hopelessly. Wildly. Stupidly.

“No you didn’t it’s just…now’s not the time for those words you know?” His tone still sounded flat and void.

“I understand.” I said removing my body from such close proximity from his, scooting back to my original position. Silence had taken over again and this time I didn’t know what to do so I figured it was time to leave. “So I’ll see you on Halloween?” The family dinner would be immediately after that seeing as to how Grisha wanted it to be like an early thanksgiving celebration.

“Yeah,” he agreed still sounding desolate. I didn’t lean over and kiss him goodbye like normal, instead I just slid out of the car. He waited till I made it inside the house before pulling off. The second I opened up the door and flipped on the lights I heard my name being screamed.

“Shit! Eren!” I looked up and of fucking course, there is Mikasa leaning over Annie, hand in between her legs and down her pants with a completely shirtless Annie. They both pull apart and Annie tries to cover herself up. “Eren you weren’t supposed to see that!” Mikasa says flustered.

I just bring up a hand, too tired with my own damn problems to even care or really process what I just saw. “Nope,” I said casually taking of my shoes.

“What?” Mikasa said confused.

“Nope. Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope,” I repeated over and over clearly in denial and walking down the hall into my room before closing the door. I stripped down, dropping the bag of my Halloween costume and plopped into bed. I ransacked my drawer and the first thing I do is down one and a half pills of Lunesta so I can fall asleep. As I lay there drifting off, only one thought coursed through my head.

I have got to stop walking in on other gay couples.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next week we finally get Halloween which THERE WILL BE TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER


	17. Ecstacy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Halloween chaos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THERE IS A TRIGGER WARNING FOR POTENTIAL RAPE

“Eren, you freakin’ suck,” Jean threw the insult at me while holding a firm hand on his hip. We were standing on my porch, the others were inside finishing up their last touches before walking out the door. “Who decides to do homework on Halloween? What kind of loser are you?” He was dissing me trying to bring me down but that was impossible. I wasn’t letting anyone bring down my high tonight.

“Says the guy dressed as Ash Ketchum,” I joked taking a look over Jean’s outfit. Here he was calling me a loser but he still dressed up as Pokémon characters. If Levi saw this, he would talk shit about him for days. Jean blushed heavily, flustered at my comeback.

“Sh—shut up, Pokémon is still in! Besides it was Armin’s idea,” he crossed his arms and looked away red still creeping on his face. I had assumed that since he and Armin were back on speaking terms they must’ve gotten over the whole Marco fiasco. That was always good.

“Well I think it’s a good thing. Eren’s choosing to be a good student over doing stupid stuff,” Armin chipped in walking past me to Jean on the porch. He was dressed up as a sexy Pikachu with the red tipped nose, tail and everything. He really was taking this seriously.

“Thanks Armin, someone smart gets it,” I said looking to Jean teasingly causing him to huff.

“Wait, let me fix the feather on your hat,” I heard Annie call out from behind me. We all looked back and couldn’t resist the ‘aww’ that came from our mouths. They looked adorable, Mikasa dressed as Peter Pan and Annie dressed in duplicate except all black. She was Peter Pan’s shadow. Seeing them like this made me almost wish I was going with them. But not really.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come? Grisha won’t know you if you leave or not,” Mikasa asked me her and Annie both up at the door next to me. All eyes were on me and I brought up my hands and put on a sheepish smile.

“Nah I’ll be fine trust me. This is what I get for skipping school so much anyway,” I said smiling brightly, deceitfully, but nevertheless still a smile.

“You could at least try and look nice,” Jean added making a dig at the massive sweatshirt and loose fitting pants I had on, not to mention my hair was a mess. Well, I had to make it seem like I really wasn’t planning on doing anything tonight and this look only intensified my lie.

“That’s why you’ve been ten years old for the past sixteen years,” I said throwing shade towards his costume.

“Look asshole, Pokémon is a classic! And the fact that you don’t like it says a lot about you, you uncultured swine.” And he said Armin was the one who picked the costume. Whatever, fanboy.

“Okay…” Mikasa threw in grabbing Annie’s hand and going past me outside. “Well, I’m not coming back tonight. Reiner’s parents missed their flight so they’re stuck in France right now so if you need anything and have to call me, don’t. I plan on being wasted.” Ha, we both had the same plan except mine was more explicit I’m sure.

They started walking off and I waved, like a little house wife bidding them a goodnight and watched as they pulled out of the driveway. The second they did, it was on. I slammed the door and was on my way down the hall rushing to my room stripping as I went. Underneath the clothes I had on my costume, I went to my phone, which Levi has paid to get fixed, and dialed his number.

“Are they gone yet?” He asked from the other line.

“The coast is clear, come get me,” I said and heard an excited Hanji in the background. Levi took a moment to groan at her actions but I heard a bunch of other excited woots from the background. Jeez, it sounded like the car was packed.

“Alright we’re almost there. Get sexy,” he added hanging up on me. The phone was tossed on the bed by me and I did my best to take one final look at myself. I looked like some sort of humanized kitten as Hanji had forced me to button up my nose and draw whiskers. I had no idea what the others were wearing but seeing as how 99% of people going were strippers, no wait, burlesque dancers, I expected things equally as flashy as me. I pampered myself a bit thinking back to what Hanji said about Levi catching a boner from the outfit before I heard a horn blowing obnoxiously.

I hurried up and raced outside making sure to lock the door behind me but couldn’t control my mouth dropping at the embarrassing sight in my driveway. “Eren! It’s so cute isn’t it!?” Hanji yelled poking her upper body half out of the window of the massive pink party bus. Oh God, I didn’t think she could be tackier with this choice, my face was cringing. I hurried along and opened the door for myself and climbed into the colorful contraption waving a ‘hi’ at the driver. I was greeted immediately by a hefty bunch of people, and cocked my head back from the blare of all their voices. Everyone was wearing skimpy outfits just like me. I scanned trying to find my guy when I felt someone pull me down into their lap.

“You look sexy as fuck,” he whispered in my ear causing a low burning to begin in my lower gut. It should be a crime to be so wildly attracted to someone, let alone their voice. His hands were slowly working their way into my inner thighs and I felt myself shiver against him as he touched me so shamelessly. I sank back lower allowing my back to fully rest against him as I felt the heat come up over my face. My legs spread open voluntarily as I scooted my bum back onto him wanting to feel him grow harder and—

“Are these two always like this?” A woman voice said breaking slightly breaking the spell Levi had on me. I looked up and saw a rather thin woman with brown hair staring at me. Hmm, it was crazy how close to Armin she looked; if she had been further away I would’ve mistaken them for each other.

“Always. All they do is frick frack. Like literally, but I love the dorks anyway,” Hanji said as the clown car pulled off.

“Well, Levi aren’t you going to introduce us?” A blonde haired guy said. Or woman. I still really couldn’t tell. I felt rather than heard the deep exhaled Levi let out and knew instantly he was irritated about everyone’s curiosity.

He scooted me off his lap, to my displeasure, and placed me next to him taking a long moment before his hand left my booty. I looked over to him and finally got the chance to really process what he was wearing as he crossed his legs. He was dressed just as scandalously as me, with a small red cape tied around his neck, horns on his head, and tight shorts form fitted with fire on them with red fluffy leg warmers. That was it, no shirt just exposed torso. What a sexy devil he was.

“Guys, this is my boyfriend Eren.” He motioned towards me lazily and I had to bite my tongue to keep myself distracted from blushing. This was the first time he had introduced me as that. He told everyone I was his boyfriend, and while he didn’t say it exactly lovingly, I was still swooning over it. His head shifted turning at me and I noticed him raising an eyebrow before bringing out a hand that I didn’t realize I was using to cover my face. He didn’t let go, he held it tight and even enlaced our fingers. “Eren this is Nifa, Nanaba, you know shitty glasses, Ilse, Rico, Moblit, blah, blah, spit, spit, drool,” he dragged on pointing a finger down the line of faces.

“Levi,” I scolded tugging tightly at his hand. Glad to see he wasn’t rude like that to just me but it was everyone in general. He was getting unsettled looks from the others but I could tell he didn’t care, as all he did was smile lightly and come forward towards my lips. They brushed against mine, and for a split second I thought he was going to climb on top of me but instead he angled himself so his lips were at my ear.  
“Seeing you like this…you have no idea the things I want to do to you,” he breathed lowly in my ear making my neck roll a bit and pull myself closer to him. The night hadn’t even started yet and already I was anxious to get out of these clothes and grind with him. I couldn’t help but giggle as he trailed tender kisses down my neck with occasional playful bites, growling.

“They’re making me soooo jealous,” the one named Ilse said about us.

“Ehh, might as well pregame now before I get depressed about being single,” Rico said turning in her seat and reaching for a convenient bottle of vodka. Everyone cheered and Levi stopped kissing on me looking up in the dimly lit atmosphere.

“Oh yeah!” Hanji hollered grabbing for the plastic cups they had in here and passing them around. Everyone started cheering as they passed the liquor around. “Moblit turn up the tunes!” She commanded playfully to him and he did exactly as she said cranking the music up loudly. I had no idea what the songs were called but all I knew was that it was rap music oddly enough.

Finally two partially filled cups reached me and Levi and we crossed arms holding the cups to each other’s lips. The look that transpired between us was intoxicating all own its own, we tossed our heads back swallowing it all in one huge gulp. People were screaming as drinks were getting spilled, the air reeked of alcohol and no one was in their right mind. Everyone was buzzed, unstoppable giggling kept leaving my mouth as I clung myself to Levi and he kissed all over my face holding me tight. I may not have been an expert on drugs, but drinking was something I could do. I had no one but the guys on the football team to thank for that.

“Eren! Eren! Eren!” Everyone cheered heavily for me as I sat in Levi’s lap and chugged down half a bottle of apple flavored Smirnoff like it was water. Finally I pulled back, making a nasty face as I could feel the burning sting in the back of my throat but I didn’t focus on that long as a tipsy Levi gripped my face and forced his lips back on mine. Whenever I was with him, I felt crazy, nothing was ever rational. He made me feel so wild. The girls started using the balancing poles on the bus as stripper poles and were shaking it viciously making their asses clap. Some of them were even giving each other lap dances, people were making out. It looked like a gigantic orgy in here and I wouldn’t pick any other place to be.

“C’mon Levi,” Hanji said stumbling over and grabbing Levi’s hand. “Get on the pole!”

“Noo, no no no no no,” he shook his head smiling at absolutely nothing, tipsy Levi was one of my favorite Levi’s. “I can’t.”

“Oh yes yes yes yes yesssss,” she encouraged taking both his hands and pulling him up anyway. Both of them stumbled their way over to the pole and Hanji let his hands go as he took hold of the pole. I was expecting him to suck at it, maybe do one twirl but holy shit was I wrong. He freaking grabbed the pole and swung himself around it for a bit before completely lifting himself off his feet and majestically spinning around it with one leg wrapped around the metal rod and the other sticking out like a ballerina. Everyone was cheering for him and all I could do was gawk, he was so graceful.

“Haha, he’s good isn’t he?” she asked pointing a thumb at him crouching over me.

“Hell yeah!” I admitted stunned by his performance. She hiccupped. Levi finished up his mini routine and swayed his way back over to us plotting down next to me and resting his head on my shoulder.  
“I didn’t know you could pole dance,” I said close to his hear because of the loud music. He chuckled.

“What? You think all I do is get high? Can’t be friends with a stripper and not pick up on a thing or two,” he replied. I loosely wondered what else Hanji had taught him when I smelt a familiar smell. It smelt fresh, like herbs and spices and…skunk. I turned my head and saw someone lighting up a joint. Fuck Reiner’s parry, this bus was where it was at.

“Pass it down here!” Liquid courage went a long way as I threw my hand up craving a hit. Just one. That was all I needed.

“No fuck that, you need to try it with this,” one of the faces I didn’t recognize said pulling out a weird contraption. It looked like a gas mask. He leaned over and so did I, making sure not to let Levi fall from my shoulder and just as the bus went over a bump I caught it.

“How do I…?” I asked staring down at it. Maybe if I wasn’t buzzed I would know how to respond better but now wasn’t the time.

“Put the damn mask on Eren, it’s not rocket science,” Levi yawned next to me. I still didn’t get it, he growled and I could tell from his lips moving he was uttering something about how I was a little shit as he sat up on his knees helping me put the mask on.

It was hot under here, and my breathing was intensified from it, as all I wanted was clean oxygen. When I moved my head quickly I heard the swoosh of liquid and Levi grabbed my head centering it.  
“There’s water in there don’t spazz,” he stated. I hated how under this mask his eyes looked greenish and not my luscious grey.

“What do I do?” Damn, even my own voice sounded harsh to my ears in this thing. Levi turned and someone handed him a lighter. He turned back and with one flick of the thumb, it ignited and he brought it up towards the bottom over a funnel looking piece.

“Just inhale it!” Someone yelled at me and so, that was exactly what I did. I sucked it in and listened as the water inside the pipes bubbled up and Levi sat back watching me. Smoke clouded everything; this was literally like a vacuum sucking up all the smoke directly in my face and trapping it there forcing me to breathe it in. Goddamn. My eyes were burning, my lungs felt like they were being assaulted and my nostrils were in flames. I smacked at the mask a few times failing to get it off and started coughing, or rather choking. Levi swatted my hands away and pulled the device off my face calmly, way more controlled than me. That was some strong shit.

“Why—” I coughed again. “Is no one helping me!?” Levi only laughed to himself and turned the mask away handing it to some other random party goer.

“If you’re not choking then you’re not smoking,” he said wagging a finger at me. Oh ha-ha. I felt the corners of my eyes tightening as my eyelids lowered.

“I bet you think you’re funny,” I said snippily.

“No, I think I’m fucking hilarious,” he corrected.

“I hate you,” I jokingly said crossing my arms.

“It’s opposite day.”

“Then I love you,” I corrected. Levi came forward and wrapped his arms around me hovering over my lips.

“I know,” he said eying me hungrily. I didn’t get him. One minute he was asking me not to tell him and now he had bugs bunnied me into saying it. Only one thing to chalk it up to, the alcohol. This man really did know how to keep me on my toes I’ll give him that. He was starting to lean forward when the bus came to a sudden stop, and Hanji shot up from her seat.

“It’s party time!” Hanji exclaimed standing bright and tall extending herself out like a star.

“There’s more?” I asked dumbfounded. We had drunk and smoke on a party bus with fun music and dancing. What else could be done? She looked at me like I was a moron.

“Kid you reaaaaalllly need to get out more,” she slurred through her buzz.

Then she turned and pulled out a bag shuffling through it before turning back tossing sticks to everyone. Glow sticks. I watched with blurry eyes as everyone cracked them up shaking them into vibrant colors. Everyone had one at least ten bands of rainbow before Hanji looked up at the ceiling and exploded into happiness again. “Ohh a mirror! C’mon guys let’s take a selfie!”

“I wanna party,” Nanaba said sulking.

“It only takes like 2 seconds,” she said brining out her phone and motioning for everyone. “C’mon hurry!” And just like that everyone rushed in, me pulling Levi along and huddled together looking straight up. We all had bright smiles on our faces, except Levi I noticed. “Alright one the count of three. One…” I reached my hands upward. “Two…” and grabbed his cheeks turning them upward into a smile. “Three!” She snapped it and like the drunk bastards we all were, we cheered for no reason as we all walked off the bus. Let the party begin.

Smoke screens, blinking colorful strobe lights, rainbow neon colors, floor shaking music, glass floor. Over 300 people all pressed body to body in this lively room humping and grinding against each other. Shit, Reiner’s parties had nothing on this, I can’t believe I thought the bus was better. Levi gripped my hand a bit tighter and I had a feeling he watched my star struck reaction amused. Hanji stood in the center of our circle and went into a small side bag she had pulling out a baggy. She handed each person a pill of ecstasy and for when she offered Levi one I was surprised he shook it off.

“Wow really?” She asked stunned.

He gestured to me, “I’ll split it with him,” he got close yelling over the loud crowd of people high off their ass and music, “He can’t handle one all by himself.”

I rolled my eyes, “I can handle it myself!” I yelled at him and felt my body tilting. He brought a hand to my chest steadying me.

“No, you really can’t, you can barely hold your liquor.”

I pouted as Hanji handed him the small drug then let us loose in the rave. “Meanie…” I said right before letting out a loud hot burp. Jeez, it’s weird how after a burp sometimes my stomach feels so flat and empty.  
He tugged me off anchoring us through the dancing crowd and finally he stopped turning to face me. He took the pill and snapped it in half and threw one half in his mouth, swallowing dry. I was amazed.  
“Hey what about my half?!” I yelled dazed and watched as he smirked, before placing that other half on the tip of his finger.

“Come and get it,” he winked seductively at me and I was glued to him as he slowly opened his mouth and placed the pill on the tip of his tongue. I watched, eyes bugged out as his tongue remained exposed to the air, pill waiting patiently for me. It wants me, he’s tempting me, I can’t push either of them from my mind. I need them both. He reminds me of the serpent, my mother told me about in the bible. Dangerous, unpredictable, offering nothing but an eternity of sin, damning me. It’s beautiful and I give in accepting his enchanting lure, things that are bad always taste nice.

My lips come forward and the first thing I do is wrap my tongue around his, he kisses me back just as eagerly, almost sloppy, no control as we both toss the pill back and forward between each other. I wrap my fingers in his hair and pull him closer underneath me and angle his head upwards as I catch the pill with my tongue and pull it from his mouth to mine and I swallow. It goes down so smooth, smoother than I believed it would.

Just then, the music seems so much more alive. I feel as though I can hear every instrument in the song loud and clear. I touch him, hand resting against his chest right over his heart and its beating wildly. It was different. It was like my eyes had been shaded and someone had pulled the curtain allowing me to see everyone. His skin was warm, but it felt so perfect. I got the sense that my body was melting into his and he must’ve felt the same because his hands wrapped around my ass and pulled me closer pressing our flesh together. We danced, grinded, and touched each other recklessly as if there was no crowd around us. This was our world, no one else mattered. Everything was in slow motion; I saw his hand reach into my pants in flash fragments. Before I knew it I was throwing my head back gasping before dropping my head on his shoulder and biting aggressively at his neck while he fondled my dick.

My body is so sensitive, every grope, even his breath draping across my skin feels like Heaven. I know I’m not in my right mind, I know it but damn it, everything feels brand new. I feel like I could explode from the pure euphoria flowing through my veins. This man was driving me crazy, I was slipping, falling into insanity and all I could do was cling to him as the music played in the background. He was licking at my neck and I threw my head back to give him a better angle. I had never felt so alive before, whenever I was with him I felt like someone new, an awakened version of myself.

The lines of rainbow flashed my eyes countless time as people played with glow sticks and waved their hands all around in the air. Levi and I somehow made our way on top of a platform and danced above others relishing in the attention, the rush. He danced low, face teasing right in front of my pink cheeky underwear, teeth playing with the waist band. He brought himself up slow, licking a straight hot line up my abdominals where he finished on my lips.

Small grains flew across my face and I opened my eyes to see someone had started tossing colorful chalk around in the air. We were drenched, with big smiles on our faces. I was having the time of my life, making memories with him as we threw chalk back and forward at one another, coloring our usual grey lives. Time cruised by, and we moved our bodies to the music sticking to one another as I we could not part ways. Finally, Levi begins moving slow and he breaks his chest away from mine.

“I’m thirsty!” He yelled in my ear over the music.

“Me too!” I agreed eagerly. I don’t think I really heard him. My mind was slipping, I could feel myself slipping through the cracks as everything but him was becoming a haze. He stepped back, hand still linked in mine and looked around.

“I want to get us some water! Come with me!” He shouted and I shook my head.

“I don’t want to lose our spot!” I slurred in his ear, all I knew was that we were above the crowd, I had no clue what our spot was. Levi’s face scrunched up, uncomfortable with that suggestion.

“I don’t want to leave you by yourself!” He vocalized to me in my ear, gripping my hands tighter.

“I can take care of myself!” I told him back, brushing off his worry. I was high off my ass.

“Alright! Stay right here, don’t move!” He instructed stepping down, keeping the connections of our hands until we had simply pulled too far apart. I felt lost, he had disappeared into the crowd and everything just kept moving like he was never gone. People still danced, the dj still raged on stage, and my body kept swaying with the music. It just sounded so amazing, like this was the first time I was hearing music ever in my life. I understood the phrase eargasm now.

I threw my hands up in the air as the beat picked up on some dubstep song and as soon as it dropped I was a dancing machine, rolling my hips, jumping around, everything. I never wanted to come down from this high.

“Hey there,” a foreign voice slithered in my ear as a hand brushed against the back of my elbow. I turned around, too fast I think as I stumbled, the man caught me against his chest. I looked up, it was dark, all I could tell in between the light flickers was that he had brown eyes, almost black. His hair was ashen blonde trimmed low, full lips, he was pretty muscular.

“Whoa sorry,” I pulled away laughing like a manic. Everything was so funny and wonderful. I loved life.

“Oh no. You’re fine. You’re super fine,” the guy said looking me up and down staring with my legs to my face. “Are you here alone?” He asked me smiling.  
I blinked, rubbing at my eyes, “You’re not Levi!” I said bluntly. The man only raised an eyebrow and shook his head.

“Guilty!” He laughed, what a pretty laugh. “Is Levi your date?” He asked leaning in close.

“Yeah!” I admitted grinning like a loser. “He’s my boyfriend. We…” my thought got lost. “We fuck.”

The guy nodded his head and I didn’t know what he was nodding about. “Oh yeah?” He sounded amused. “Where is Levi now?” He asked looking around. I looked around too.  
“I don’t know! He went to get water! I’m thirsty!” I said jumping up on the beat drop again. The man remained perfectly still just staring at me. It was kind of weird.

“Here, you looked thirsty so I brought you something to drink,” he handed out a red cup to me. When did that get there? Hmm, I reached out and grabbed the cup from him and brought it up to my nose.  
“Thanks!” What a really nice guy! I looked down into the cup and saw it bubbling a bit. “What is this soda?” I asked pointing to it.

“Yeah…sprite.” He agreed.

“Cool thanks!” And I brought it to my mouth and drank it, gulp by gulp and the whole time the man just watched me, he never looked away. When I finished it I brought the cup down, crushed it and my hand, and tossed it. Then I stuck my tongue out. “Uhh, it was kind of salty!” I complained. The man’s eyelids lowered and the faintest of smiles came on his lips.

“I bet,” he said simply. “Hey let’s dance,” he said reaching out and grabbing my hand. Normally, this would’ve been a red flag for me but for some reason, I couldn’t get my body to do what I wanted. In fact, when he tugged at my arm I slipped losing all balance and fell completely into his arms.

“Wha—why did—I can’t,” I mumbled against him unable to move, my mind was going black, I was seeing everything in blotches but I heard all the loudness around me perfectly fine. I was moving like a slug, I blinked, and when I opened my eyes again the guy had me by the arm and was dragging me off somewhere. Hey wait, no. No. “W—where’s Levi?” I said meekly, voice cracking. Something was terribly wrong and as desperately as I wanted to scream out for help I couldn’t. I was as useless as a noodle. No one looked at us as he dragged me through the crowd going for the exit.

I tried to struggle but my body was going dead, we were in the parking lot going towards a van. Panic set in, my heart was thumping loudly as suddenly I knew what was about to happen. “N—no,” I begged willingly my brain to work. “No..no!” I tried to raise my voice and when it was loud enough the man turned around and grabbed me by the throat pointing one thick finger in my face.

“Shut up,” he demanded venomously. I was terrified, I couldn’t breathe, adrenaline was pumping in me but whatever he did to me was cancelling it out. He went into his pocket and brought out his keys unlocking the doors and slid it open. Oh God no. He looked around before tossing me flat on the back seat. With what little strength I had I tried to climb and sit upward but his hand pressed flat on my chest knocking me down, as he climbed on top of me. “You keep your fucking mouth quiet. Don’t scream,” the man threatened, hands roaming up over my chest.

“No…no..no please…stop,” I cried out dreadfully. I was crying, I wanted to use my hands and fight back but I couldn’t move. I was trapped in this van with this rapist over me. “Stop…stop…” he was kissing down my chest and that only made me cry louder. It felt so wrong, everything about him was disgusting and everywhere he touched felt filthy. I brought my hands up to slap him away but it was so weak he knocked my attempts away.

“Stop fighting it, you’ll like it in a few seconds, I promise,” he said and I felt his hand pulling at my waistband to my underwear.

“No! No!” Somebody, anybody please save me oh God please. I closed my eyes and waiting for the inevitable, tears falling from the corners of my eyes as I remained still, unable to do anything. I waited, preparing to die inside when instead or anything happening, I heard a loud blood curdling scream.

“Oh my God Eren!” Someone was lifting me up; they pulled the guy off me. Tender hands, I opened my eyes. Hanji, it was Hanji.

She was holding me close to her chest and I wanted to hug her so badly but I couldn’t. Nothing was moving, nothing was functioning. “Thank goodness, we made it…”

“HEEEEELP! SOMEONE HELP ME!” The screaming pierced my ears and I thought they would bleed, it was a wild animalistic cry.

“Shut the fuck up you piece of shit!” That was Levi. He was here. He came for me. Crack. And another followed by another again. Hanji lifted me up with her and I saw him. Levi was on top of the man, holding him by the collar beating him time and time again straight in the face. He was gushing all over, his face almost unrecognizable. The assailant’s covered in blue and black while Levi’s masked in carnage.

“Levi you’re killing him!” Nanaba yelled to him covering her mouth.

Levi proceeded to punch, cracking something that time. “So!? Did you see what this filth was doing!? Did you see what he tried to—” he stopped looking sharply at the man again and renched his arm back punching again.

“That’s enough Levi!” Moblit had grabbed him from behind locking around his waist pulling him off.

“I’m not done! I’m gonna murder this motherfucker! You piece of trash! I’ll kill you, you hear me!?” He was in a frenzy, even Hanji was scared beside me. All of this because of me. I had to do something, I couldn’t just sit here and be useless.

“Levi?” I called out and immediately his breathing hitched and he looked over to me, frenzy instantly disappearing and something like relief clouding them.

“Eren,” he breathed out elbowing Moblit who in turn dropped him. I noticed how he delivered a painful kick to the man’s head before coming straight over to me in the back seat of the van. He wiped his hands on his bare skin, getting blood on his legs and ever so gently touched my face; despite the beast he was only moments ago. His eyes looked fearful as they feverously trailed all over my face. “Did he hurt you? Did he touch you? Anything?” He was asking a mile away and only one hand stayed on my face for the other inspected my body quickly checking for anything.

“No, I’m okay,” I responded quietly, voice on the verge of tears. Levi looked back into my eyes, holding my face again and I watched as his bottom lip quivered like it had once when he began extremely emotional. He closed his eyes and leaned forward resting his forehead against mine touching my face repeatedly, as if checking if I was still there.

“I’ll kill him,” he mumbled. “I’ll fucking kill him Eren. You just say the word and I’ll—”

“Can we just go home?” I was crying again, I couldn’t stop the tears. After what had almost just happened, there was no way I could be strong. He pulled back and looked deep into my eyes before nodding.

“Okay, okay. C’mon,” he leaned forward and scooped me up from Hanji’s arms and into his where I fell against him. The ride on the bus was grave, no one said a word and Levi cradled me close to him and when I finally got some feeling back into my arms, I wrapped them around him as well holding him tight. The sounds of the passing ambulance car’s only made me bury my head deeper into him and cry.

Silence. The rest of the night was spent in absolute silence. Levi had offered me anything. He asked me did I want to go home, I told him no. I didn’t want to be pulled away from him; I wanted to be as close as possible. He had held me, murmured sweet things in my ear, kept apologizing repeatedly time and time again. All it made me do was cry more as it brought the reality of what had almost happened tonight closer and closer to the light. He lay there with me, arms not daring to fall from my side as he let me cry into him. Halloween had once been my favorite holiday, now I might have to reconsider.

The next morning I had woken up, we didn’t have sex considering what occurred so I was not naked but instead in my boxer briefs. Instinctively as always, I rolled over and touched the spot where Levi should’ve been. I opened my eyes, he was gone. But there were soft sounds coming from the end of the bed. I sat up, and there at the foot of the bed was Levi, back completely turned to me. Based off his posture I knew what was happening and the sounds. I crawled over to see him and—

“Levi?” Face buried in one hand there he was on the edge of the bed, tears streaming down his face landing on the object in his hand. A picture. A photo of three people, a smiling red head girl, a cheerful blonde boy, and in the middle a rare sight. A happy and smiling Levi.

“These were my best friends,” he began wiggling the picture a bit. “I killed them and last night, I almost killed you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that wasnt too hard to read for anyone, see you all next week and thanks for reading this crazy story for another week


	18. Father and Son

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm such a sucker for crying Levi

“What are you talking about?” I asked prompting myself up on my knees and slightly bending backward. His face was no longer visible; all I could see was the slumped form of his back and see his shoulders trembling.

“You heard me,” he breathed out, voice mixed with a sigh and pure exasperation.

I had heard him, I just hadn’t know what to say. Killing his friends? I had never even seen this photo previously, all of this was fresh to me. “I don’t understand,” I began shifting so that now I was sitting on my bottom still gazing at his form. It puffed up a bit; he was drawing in air deeply.

“That car accident I was having a panic attack about a while back, it was because of this,” he turned back to face me holding up the picture, face somewhat swollen, tear streaks still visible but drying. “You wanted to know more about me right? Well I’m telling you now. These two, Isabel and Farlan, they were my two best friends and in my freshmen year of high school, I was responsible for their deaths because of my own stupidity and recklessness. I drove drunk and I killed them, I took their lives. I failed them Eren. Last night…I failed you too.”

So that was it, that was the cause of his constant depression. That was the origin of his unhappiness, all that pain and guilt Hanji had spoken of and now I knew. Every day, he stepped out into the world with the weight of two deaths on his shoulders. Every day he had to live with himself knowing that he had taken two lives from two people very important to him. In his mind, he was a murderer and their blood was still fresh on his hands, stained. Then something new dawned upon me from a past conversation we had not too long ago.

“Prison,” I said hand running over my mouth, eyes lowering considerably. “You talked about prison earlier and you never told me anything. Did you…?” I couldn’t keep talking. I had no idea why but no matter how much I commanded, my voice had abandoned me. My blood was pumping, I could hear my heart beating in my ears as I awaited his answer.

“Convicted of involuntary manslaughter on two accounts,” his voice was strained, sounding slightly bitter but most of all remorseful. There was a long, drawled out moment of silence between us as he lowered his head, a tear running down as he wiped at the photo with his thumb. “‘Finish watching your cartoons’,” he uttered just loud enough for me to make out his words.

“What?” I awaited for him to respond having no idea what he was talking about. He didn’t look at me. He hadn’t solidly looked and held my eye contact since I had engaged him in conversation.

“That’s what my father told me one day. I was about six years old, I remember watching the usual Saturday morning cartoons and eating my cereal. My so called mother was on the phone behind me, gossiping with one of her friends when suddenly my cartoons had turned to breaking news. My dad was on the screen. He was being arrested, theft, robbery, I remember my mom saying something about him being involved with the mafia but then again, she was always shit talking him. They hated each other, I think they wanted to kill each other honestly. So one day, she finally gave me the phone to talk to him from prison, I asked him when he was coming home and all he said to me was don’t be like him. He told me to just sit down like normal and to finish watching my cartoons.”

He seemed to fade off with that last recollection and I noticed the grip grew tighter on his picture before he gritted his jaw and continued, “That was the first time I realized something. I went into the mirror and took a good look at myself, all I saw was my father and I knew I couldn’t be like him. I had something to prove, I had to do something better for my life. I had to.” His lips ceased to move anymore and for the first time this November morning, he looked at me and never in my life had I felt such anguish. His eyes appeared almost soulless, desolate of anything but raw emotional trauma. I had never seen someone so broken, so torn apart. Why was his face always so damn concentrated but his eyes always betrayed him, erupting with his grief?

“That failed,” he said flatly. “Over the next couple years I was miserable. That bitch called mom never paid any attention to me. Not once, no matter what I did or tried to do. I would get into trouble at school and actually want her to discipline me, any kind of recognition was fine just _something_. But I never got it. I was always nothing in her eyes and she called me a ‘waste of life’. I fucking hated her. I felt so alone, I had no real home, no other family to turn to, no one to care. Then I met the both of them,” he smiled, a tiny ghost forming on the empty shell he became when telling this story but it faded quickly. “We were all the same. We had fucked up households, we fought with other kids a lot, hell we probably terrorized them, we were bad kids always getting into trouble but with them, it was more than enough. It felt like I had a home, for the first time in my life I had not one but two people who cared about me. Who loved me. It was everything I had ever dreamed of at that age, all that I wanted…”

I gulped, and sat forward. “So what happened?”

“What happens to all kids with no parental control, we started doing dumb shit. We had finally made it to high school and I remember us wanting to impress the older kids. We were invited to this party, I hotwired a car just so we could go. We really were terrible fucking kids. We drank a lot, so much alcohol that we should’ve been dead from the poisoning alone. I remember trying to leave the party, Isabel wanting to stay and Farlan being the only sober one. He nagged and nagged about wanting to drive but I insisted that I do it. I was stubborn as fuck and hard headed. I got behind the wheel and before I knew it…it happened. I woke up in the hospital, they had to pump my stomach but oddly enough I wasn’t even really hurt, not like I should’ve been. The first thing I did was ask about them, I just wanted to see my friends—” he choked a bit before taking a deep breath and regaining his composure. “Isabel died instantly, killed the second we made impact. Farlan though, it damaged his brain severely, he was in a coma for a while, and he just didn’t wake up. His family finally had to pull the plug because they knew, he was never coming back. Because I killed him.” That was the third time I had heard him make that conviction but unlike the other two, this one was truly haunting.

“The courts weren’t sympathetic in the least, they just threw me away to rot in prison with the grown men to have. I was fourteen years old with no future, the only thing I had to look forward to was being passed around by numerous different men every week. It was excruciating. Each day, I felt myself die inside, bit by bit, I could feel my mind slipping. I was breathing, my body was there but inside I was hollow, I was not alive. I don’t think I ever was. I spent six years of my life there with no contact with anybody on the outside. _No one_. Not _once_ did my mother come visit or even write one fucking letter.” There it was, the bitterness reined once again.

“When the day came for me to be released I made a choice. There was nothing for me back home where I came, so I left and traveled here where all I had to do was meet with my probation officer weekly and I could start a new life. It was because of him that I was able to land that job at the factory, its hard getting people to hire you when all you have is a GED that you landed in the slammer.”

“It was Erwin wasn’t it?” I don’t know how but, I just knew. He nodded slowly and to my own astonishment, there was no envy inside my heart. I was slightly thankful for him, had it not been for Erwin’s intervention I would’ve never gotten the chance to meet Levi today.

“Before he became a detective, he was a probation officer that had me to deal with as his problem. He listened to me talk, he knew about my case but not by choice which I didn’t fucking like at all. Technically, Erwin should be in prison himself.”

That grasped my attention as I allowed my mind to slightly wander as I visualized younger versions of themselves with each other. “What did he do?” I questioned.

Levi’s face remained grim, “It’s a probation officer’s job to report any drug abuse and to assign drug tests for their clients. Erwin knew what I was doing. As soon as I left prison I needed something—anything to help me cope mentally. I was abusing the pills I got prescribed during therapy sessions. He should’ve reported me, had me sent back countless times but he never fucking did, he just covered for me. He loved me and didn’t want to put me through that all over again.”

“Oh.” I wanted to say so much more. I wanted to tell Levi how sorry I was that all of this had to happen to him. I wanted to tell him I was sorry for his shitty parents who abandoned him. I wanted to say I was sorry for the death of his friends. I wanted to say sorry for him getting cheated out of high school and instead having prison. I wanted to say sorry for what happened to him there, the years that were wasted that he could never have back. I wanted him to forget about his pain. I wanted him to stop feeling bad and—

“You’re crying,” Levi remarked softly as I brought a hand up and touched my cheek, indeed there were tears running down. But why? I don’t have any reason to be crying, it’s not like anything bad happened to me. I should be fine. But then why can I feel this unbearable rush of emotions in my heart?

_It’s because you love him._

A voice rang out inside my head and I glanced upward locking eyes with the tear stained face of Levi’s. That was it, it was clear. So painfully clear and thrown in my face that I was crying for him because I _felt_ for him. When you love someone, you take their pain as your own, their problems become your own and you truly feel everything that happens to them as if you experience it yourself. I love him. I am in love with him.

“I hate this,” I said covering up my eyes with my arm wiping away at tears but more just kept coming. “I hate your parents, they ruined you. Your mom is awful, all you wanted was to be loved and she never did that. And Isabel and Farlan…that’s not fair. It’s not fair for that to happen to you, you were just a kid…” my lip was quivering out of control and I knew he could see it as it was the only thing I left exposed. I was gritting my teeth to keep it all back but I just couldn’t control it. “You should be happy,” I finally found my voice again. “Smiling, like in the picture, not worrying about a single thing. That’s all I want. I just want you to be happy and smile again.” I brought up my other hand and wiped away mercilessly at my tears. My throat stung from trying to hold back my waterfalls.

Levi acknowledged all my crying and glanced back down at the photo in his hand, wiping away at it. His head came back up and he looked at me tenderly for a moment, lips parting as he spoke, “You want so much for me but what about yourself?” It was a simple question and yet, it had knocked the air out of me.

“I _am_ happy,” I claimed scooting forward a bit toward him.

“It takes one to know one Eren and trust me I know you. You’re not happy; we both aren’t, not really. If we were, we wouldn’t be so dependent on those,” he said nudging his head in the direction of the drugs. I too shifted my eyes in the direction of the bag, just looking at it alone was filling me with a lust and craving that I needed to suppress.

“But,” I began, shoulders slumping. “I _want_ to be happy, I really do its just—” I sucked in my lip and bit down hard still looking at the drugs.

“How,” Levi said finishing the sentence for me. “I don’t know _how_ to be happy anymore. You can see I’ve already forgotten how to smile; I didn’t start doing that until you came around and I’m still not used to it. I can’t let go of the past, neither of us can, and we’ll never forget it.” He got up, causing the slope in the bed to heighten and shift back upward where his weight had left. He walked over to the dresser and opened up the drawer, placing the photo inside. “What happened last night was like a reminder. I messed up and I almost got the person that I care most about harmed, like all those years ago,” he leaned forward gripping the drawer with both hands. “I don’t want anything to happen to you Eren, I don’t want to see you hurt, I’d rather die. Coming to me was a mistake, broken people can’t do anything to fix another, and I’m just a cancer to you.” He was speaking so fast, as if all his thoughts of himself were rushing out and I couldn’t stand to hear him talk like this.

“Levi stop—”

 “I can’t do it Eren!” He whirled on me raising his voice a bit. “I’m not strong enough to go through all that pain again, to lose someone that I—” he stopped, catching himself quickly. I watched him, breathing heavily from my mouth listening as time ticked by giving us silence. “If you don’t want to be with me anymore I understand. I get it completely and I can’t blame you. All I’ve done is get you hooked onto drugs anyway,” he sounded so guilty.

No, no I don’t want that at all. I don’t want to be away from him. I don’t want a life without him, he’s what I’ve come to know and I can’t just walk away. My body had been shaking, the intensity of our conversation had me chilled to the bone but I stood tall now. I lifted up each foot and glided across the floor to my one destination, him. I stopped behind him, lifting up my arms and with tenderness, extended them forward wrapping my arms around his neck and allowing my head to sink into the grove of his neck. He gasped lightly at my sudden touch.

“Don’t say that,” I spoke into him, holding the man close to me feeling the beat of his heart through his back to my chest. “I can’t, I won’t leave you. You’re the person that I...care for the most,” I can’t exactly say when, but he had become just that and he had to know. If he leaves me, I won’t survive. I need him, my lifeline, my love.

His back is against my chest, and I can feel the breathing of his chest against me. It starts out even, in control as his head hands low but gradually, it turns into something more choppy and broken up rhythmically. I can tell, he’s trying so hard to hold back his emotion but I don’t want him to. Seeing him like this hurts me, I can feel my own eyes welling up. “Just let it out,” I whisper into his neck sensing the raw emotion flowing from him into me. Then I feel it, cold drops of liquid land on my forearm and I know, he’s crying.

“You brat,” he sniffed out, voice trembling. “That’s supposed to be my line,” his hands come up and grasp my forearm holding me there just in place while he cried more causing more tears to come from me as well. “I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry. I shouldn’t have left you alone, that man that— piece of shit almost raped you and God I’m so sorry.”

That was the first time either of us had vocalized what almost happened last night, the horrible act that almost occurred. Just hearing the word triggered something inside me as I whisper out ‘it’s okay’ repeatedly over and over to him kissing on his warm skin while tears ran down my face.

“Je t’aime,” Levi whispered out in a volume so low, I had barely caught it.

“What did you say?” I didn’t understand that, I knew it was French but I didn’t get it. His hand came up and gripped my forearm on him before he turned around, removing his back from my chest and both our fronts touching. His hand came up, softly touching my face, thumb wiping across my cheekbone,

“You’re such a troublesome little shit,” he used our familiar nickname, I knew it was nothing but pure affection. He got on his tippy toes and ushered himself upward where I met him halfway kissing him, feeling my love for him explode in my core. I was on fire; I had a burning desire for this man that would never go away. “Mais je suis tombé pour vous toute façon,” Levi whispered into our kiss holding me tighter against him, gripping me like I would disappear.

“Wait, what are you saying?” I asked again trying to pull back but he just pulled me back tightly leaning back up towards my lips.

“Just kiss me,” he said touching our lips once again, making it impossible to pull away. I made a mental note to Google his words later.

 

Football season had officially ended, and to everyone’s surprise we ended up winning the championship. They held a sort of banquet for the players, and honored the seniors who would never be playing again as it was their last year. I received an invitation in the mail but decided it would be best not to show. I knew they were just being nice by trying to include me but, it didn’t really matter anyway. What really mattered was the needle I was holding at my arm shakily, trying desperately to find the main vein to poke it into.

I was home, despite my confession of feelings a few weeks back Levi felt that it would be best if I hung around home more for a bit. He claimed he needed to think more about some things. I tried to talk him out of it, fearing that he was going to break up with me but he promised me that was the last thing on his mind. I would give that to him, as I supposed we could both use the momentary separation. In a few more days, he would be back anyway, as this Sunday was the early Thanksgiving family dinner Grisha wanted.

I used my teeth to grip the straps I had wrapped around my arm tighter, as I flexed my arm tightly, finally finding the perfect blue string. I steadied the needle and eased it inside, making sure not to make any sudden movements like Levi taught me and released the liquid remedy into my blood stream easing my head back involuntarily parting my lips as the cool addiction flowed up my arm. I removed the syringe and dabbed at the blood bead that built shortly before looking up in the mirror of myself.

My face looked pasty, pale and I noted the dark purple bags underneath my eyes. The normal pink hue to my lips was absent, and all they appeared was pale and dry. I sighed, running a hand through my dark locks before plopping backward onto my bed. My body felt amazing, as if I had millions of puppies tickling my skin with their wet noses and fuzzy fur. I know I looked like shit, but some things had to be sacrificed for happiness. It was well worth it.

I lay there on my back, closing my eyes and seeing all kinds of explosions and ripples of shapes. My mind was traveling through space, shooting through the galaxy skipping through universes time and time again. I had no control, I didn’t want it, I just sat there like a slug allowing the high to swell up inside me, but you know what’s one of the worst things about a high? Coming down from it.

I was lying on my stomach, both hands gripping inside my hair tightly as my eyes remained sealed shut. Pain. Agony as my head pounded, knocking against my skull as if it wanted sweet release from the hell hole of my head. Could I really blame it though? I had been wasting it, burning away precious neurons every day on damaging chemicals that destroyed my body from the inside out, slowly. It must be torture. All my body wants to do is take care of me and purge me of anything harmful but I won’t allow it, because I’m stubborn. Because I can’t stop. Because I’m obsessed. Because I’m an addict. I’m destroying myself, time and time again and damn it I just can’t stop. I keep screaming to my mind that I’m sorry, that I know I’m just being stupid but no matter what I say it’s not good enough. It never is because I just keep going.

There were a few good knocks on my door before it opened up, “Hey! I called your school and they actually said you’re doing better. Granted, D’s aren’t really good but it’s a damn good start.” It was Grisha, he sounded every bit like a proud father as he strolled into my room casually. He must’ve just made it home, how long had I been sitting here trapped in my thoughts? I glanced over to the clock and saw it was 9pm. Three hours.

I sat up quickly, feeling the rush course through my brain once again, bring a steadying hand to my head. I wasn’t sad, that’s not really what I would call it but for some reason, a tiny sliver of a tear escaped the corner of my eye and I hastily caught it. Grisha noticed immediately.

“Eren, you alright?” He said coming over to sit on my bed. I dropped my legs over the bed the same as him and as nonchalantly as possible, kicked backward my stash under my bed. “You don’t look so good.”

“I don’t know where it came from,” I said wiping with the back of my wrist on the tip of my nose. I felt a tickle and I prayed that I would not have another nose bleeding incident, anything but that.

Grisha didn’t say anything, his lensed eyes just watched me considerably, as his mouth turned slightly into that of an slumped arch. “Son, you know that I love you right?”

My eyes widened if only for a moment before I cast the shock away. That was the first time I had heard him say that in a while as I thought I had made it clear that I didn’t want to hear it. “Where did that come from?” I asked.

He sighed, reaching up for his glasses and pulling them down slowly off the bridge of his nose. “It’s just something that I think you should know. Both you and Mikasa, I love the both of you.”

“Yeah?” I asked still not sure where he was going with this. I still felt it was too early for such strong words to be exchanged between us. I needed more time.

“Yeah. An old man like me gets to thinkin’ you know? One day I’m not going to be around anymore and what am I really leaving behind in this world besides two kids that hate my guts and unreliable clients,” He was wiping away at his brow tiredly, Grisha always looked tired like he never got enough rest. No rest for the wicked I suppose.

“I don’t hate you Grisha,” I consoled him point-blank, nudging my head in his direction.

“Eren, you don’t even call me dad. I know you only did it that one time because it would have benefited you so I allowed it to slide and gave you what you wanted. But perhaps, I also allowed it because deep down inside of me, I was glad. It’s been so long since you’ve used any type of affectionate term towards me, so hearing you address me as ‘dad’…it touched me. Even if you didn’t mean it, it did. Thank you son.” He reached an arm out and touched my shoulder before gripping it lightly under his rough hand. Years of working had taken away the soft hands he had been born with and granted him these calloused ones.

I watched as his hand remained on me, it laid on top of my jacket but yet I could still feel warmth flood through the material from it. I didn’t understand. How could something so small like a name mean that much to someone? It shouldn’t and yet, he had said that it made him happy. Happy.

Inside there was a sick, twisting occurring within my intestines. It had been a lie. I didn’t mean it, Grisha knew I didn’t mean it and yet he took my lie and ran with it, filling himself with hope. I believed the first step to fixing a problem was acknowledging it, which was something we had run our course over time and time again with all of our arguing and bumping heads. The second step, was addressing it, something we had all failed to do. The three of us, unfortunately Mikasa wasn’t here to speak her heart, but I was and I knew enough for the both of us to know what needed to be said.

“Do you want to know why I don’t call you dad?” I asked, no animosity was present in my voice just genuine curiosity as to if he wanted to know.

“Yes,” he admitted sternly, and I knew he was mentally preparing himself for whatever onslaught of words I was mixing together in my brain for him right now as his hand slipped from my shoulder.

I turned my head away briefly, scanning all around my room taking in the visual scenery before settling my mind and glancing back in his direction. I had waited years, never knowing if I would get the chance for this speech. Now was the time, he would listen because he had asked and I would tell him everything. I sucked in a gust of air in my nose, before exhaling and opening my lips, “A dad is someone who you build a bond with over time. Your dad is supposed to be the guy who guides you and shows you how to be a man. He teaches you how to throw a ball, how to fight, how to kiss a girl. He’s a role model, but most of all he’s supposed to be your mentor and friend.” I stopped and held his gaze strongly, eyebrows furrowed as I lifted a stern finger pointing to him, “You didn’t give that to me. Every monumental moment that has happened in my life you weren’t there for. From middle school graduation all the way to football games through high school. My name was put up into banners across our state and not once did you try and reach out to me, I always was the one chasing after you. You abandoned me. I was that kid who waited on their birthday party for an extra person to show up and always cried when he didn’t. I didn’t have a father figure in my life and maybe that’s why I turned out—” I stopped myself.

There were many things that I turned out to be because Grisha was never there, but gay was not one of them. That was always within me, and no amount of tossing a ball around outside with Grisha would change that. One thing I had turned out to be was dependent, I hated to admit it but I was a clingy person and I hated being separated from my significant lover, Levi. Maybe I had been smothering him, always being by his side but I couldn’t resist. He’s the role model I never had; he’s the man that gives me all the attention I crave and more. He’s the man that has all my trust when it’s the man sitting in front of me who should have it.

Maybe I was so scared of him leaving me was because I had that experience once before, I knew the pain of someone you love stepping out of your life. The only difference between the two was Levi would never do that to me, I knew he wouldn’t.

“Turned out what?” He asked pressing for me to continue. I looked to him then shook my head, waving a hand to disregard my thought.

“Nothing, you’ll see soon.” He would, when Levi came walking through that door he would know everything. But that was not the topic being addressed right now.

“Grisha,” I began again gathering my thoughts and focusing them, “When you left you damaged me. You and mom getting divorced was traumatic enough but you up and leaving took the cake. It’s not that I hate you, well I did before but not anymore. I don’t understand you, and I don’t think I’ll ever get why you did what you did but don’t think I don’t love you. I’m just not willing to broadcast it or call you ‘dad’, we don’t have that kind of bond yet.”

Every word that I had spoken to him had been honest and from my heart. It had sat on there for so long, that releasing it felt strange. I was half relieved yet confused as I didn’t know what to do with myself anymore. I had survived so long with such hatred boiling in my heart that letting it out felt foreign. Hate was the only feeling I knew for him and yet here I was at peace with whatever resolve we were having. Maybe this is what Levi meant by have that connection with him. Maybe this was what Levi had wanted so badly with his dad.

Grisha, who had remained silent all through my confession, not even making a sound to breathe had finally gusted up oxygen into his lungs, filling them fully before letting it all out and slouching. His face was calm, but not enough for me to believe he had been unaffected by my words, he just looked as though he were contemplating things.

“What are you thinking about?” I asked analyzing him and his silent form.

“Just thinking. I wish there were some way I could turn back time, take back all of the stupid mistakes I made with your mother and just talk it out. We never talked out our problems, we just bickered and fought, always yelling at each other but never just shutting the hell up and _listening_ to what the other had to say. Maybe then things would’ve been different and I could’ve been there to help her that day...” His hand came upward as he trailed off and I watched as it appeared to clutch at something on his neck that was hidden underneath his shirt. I had never noticed it before but I could see from the way he held it tightly, it was important to him. “God, I loved that woman.” He said shaking his head with an aching voice.

“If you loved her so much then why did you cheat on her? Why did you leave us?” So there it was, I had finally asked the question that I had always wanted to know. I yearned for it, I dreamed about it for years, wondering what kind of story he would tell me in response. I had no one to thank for Levi for the strength to ask this, it was him who had told me to do it so long ago.

“I loved your mother with everything in me, she was the one for me and I knew it from the very first time I spoke to her. I wanted to marry her, that delicate creature that brought nothing but happiness into my life. She gave this to me you know,” he unclenched the hand resting below his neck and revealed some sort of oddly shaped golden key. Instantly I remembered, that was the necklace that he always wore, he never took it off no matter what the circumstance. Never.

“This necklace was passed down in your mother’s side of the family. She told me that the tradition is, once you find someone who you are truly in love with and are willing to give your heart to entirely, you give this to them as they hold all parts of your heart. Obviously she gave it to me, and I’ve worn it all this time despite being unfaithful...” his hands lowered from the key and went back towards his side before he continued. “Like I said we fought a lot, often about me wanting to go off and pursue my career. One night we had an explosive argument, you probably don’t remember it because we sent you and Mikasa off to Armin’s house. We both said a lot of things we didn’t mean and I stormed out, I went off and slept with the first woman willing because I was childish. I wanted to make your mom see that she wasn’t the only one with other options and I thought it would make her appreciate me more but like I said I was an idiot.”

“You were,” I agreed. If Levi ever left off and slept with Erwin just to make me see how easily he could have someone else, I would kill him.

“Thank you for confirmation Eren,” he added in sarcastically. “The point I’m trying to make here is that, I took your mother for granted. I abused her love and trust all because of a dumb fight and when she told me she wanted to divorce me I—words cannot even begin to explain the pain I felt in my heart. I was hurt, enraged, confused, shocked, anything you can name. I tried to stay around you guys, I really did but Eren,” he stopped and ran both hands on his face showing me he still harbored various feelings about the matter even to this day. “I pray this never happens to you but when you truly love someone, when you have put most of your life into trying to be with someone, dream about them, kiss them, hold them, anything and they just decide they don’t want to be with you anymore, you world shatters. You don’t know what to do with yourself anymore. It really is like being lost. I was lost.”

I looked away from him, I didn’t know the feeling but I damn sure could imagine it. That would be how I would feel if Levi left me. Exactly how I would feel.

“That still doesn’t excuse me being a horrible father to you. I wronged you and for that I truly am sorry. I was so caught up in my own little world that I forgot to acknowledge yours. I don’t blame you for not calling me dad,” he had gotten up on his feet suddenly, but slowly as his body was not young and fast like mine. His bones cracked a bit on his stand up as slightly as his hands lifted upward and worked around his neck unlocking the key necklace from around his neck.

“Here,” he said extending a hand out and holding the item delicately as possible.

My eyes grew and immediately I was shaking my head, “Grisha no, I can’t. Mom gave that to you. That’s a gift. I can’t just—” He only nudged it out closer once more and I met his hand touching the brass key and feeling a cold chill from it.

“Didn’t you hear me earlier? It’s a tradition in her family to pass thing along.” He smiled weakly. “This old man won’t be giving this away to another woman, there was only one for me and always will be. She’s always here in my heart,” he said touching his chest over his heart lightly. “Take it Eren. Wear it proudly, remember who it belonged to. And one day, when you find that person who makes you feel complete and becomes the light in your world, give it to them. Let them know how much you love them with this.”

His grasp weakened until finally the entire old brass key was inside my palm, and my fingers wrapped around it. Grisha smiled down upon me, a straight line on his lips, before pivoting in his heel and leaving my room. I continued to stare at the key that had belonged to my mother and then father. It was a special key to the both of them that represented nothing but the purest form of love and trust between two lovers. I opened my fingers and was quick to clasp it around my neck as it took its place on the new temporary wearer. One day, I would give this necklace to him. One day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading guys, i appreciate it and the positive feedback! Oh and I know some of you are wondering but family dinner is next chapter don't worry, i didn't forget about it. See you then!


	19. Phobia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i think we're about to find out what Grish'a phobia is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> remember tracking fic under 'fic: torture' tag on tumblr and if you want to contact me my url is the same as this username. Now reeeead!!!

“What in the hell is that hideous thing around your neck?” Levi complained at me leaning in close to observe it. Blushing, I brought my hands up clasping around it, to hide it from him.

“Obviously it’s a key,” I said trying to walk out of his intense judgmental gaze but he just stepped closer.

“It’s not just a key you’ve been wearing it straight for the past few days. Oh God, don’t tell me keys are the new fad. Like chokers back in the early 2000’s,” he seemed appalled just thinking of that reference. Ha, I remembered those days when everyone was an emo screamer and bands like Linkin Park ruled.

I shook my head, buttoning up my blood red shirt as it was already tucked into my black pants, “I’ll tell you one day maybe,” I said smirking as I worked my way up and bringing the key up over the collar.

“You’re wearing that tonight?” He asked, eyes scanning over my outfit. “Shit, I don’t even know what to wear!” He said rushing over to his closet and opening it. I wasn’t surprised to see everything was either black or grey, his two main colors of choice in clothing.

“It’s not that big of a deal you know,” I said over his shoulder as he skimmed his clothes. “Grisha isn’t going to care what you wear.” He looked at me over his shoulder.

“Then why are you dressed up so nice?”

“This isn’t nice, more like a casual look. Just throw on a button up too you’ll be fine,” I suggested not understanding what the problem was right now.

“No, then I’ll look like I’m copying you. I have more taste than _that_ ,” he remarked casually throwing that insult and pulling out a grey collared top along with a tie. I would ignore that comment though I wouldn’t forget it. I sat back and watched as Levi fumbled through another shirt deciding he didn’t like the grey. Then he picked a black, but he didn’t like either. Before I knew it he as tossing everything out of his closet and was still standing half naked with only dress pants on and no top.

I couldn’t take this anymore, “Jesus Levi, just pick. A. Shirt. It doesn’t matter what color it is, if you wear a tie, if you leave your chest completely exposed, whatever! Can we just please get in the car now? We’re gonna be late,” I looked at the clock and saw we only had about fifteen minutes before Grisha’s dinner started.

“Alright!” He yelled throwing on a buttoned up grey top anyway and putting a black tie on with it. “Just let me smoke one hit and then we can go,” he said charging off towards his stash in his room. I was on my feet instantly with my arms wrapped around his waist, lifting him and holding him in the air. “Brat, if you don’t put me down, you’re gonna get a foot up your asshole,” he threatened.

I ignored him completely, “No! You are _not_ getting high right before meeting my family. Hell no Levi! Are you crazy?!” High Levi was only good for two things, laughing senselessly and screwing. Trying to hold a conversation at the dinner table? Ugh, just kill me now.

He squirmed and wiggled, feet kicking in the air like a child but I was locked on him. “Just _one_ shit head, just so I can calm my damn nerves,” he said in between struggles.

“What nerves? It’s just eating burnt turkey and keeping small talk with the folks,” I reassured and noticed that he stopped wiggling around so much and became sort of like dead weight.

“Okay but what if I’m not good at shooting the shit with them?” He questioned but didn’t wait for me to answer. “I’m funnier when I’m high. At least that’s what people tell me.”

I sighed realizing what all this was about. He was nervous; I forgot this was his first time meeting any parents of someone he was dating. I placed him down, feeling like a dad that just had his kid in time out as our height difference became more visible. He turned around and met my eyes, bags darker underneath making him look slightly older. “Don’t be stupid. You _are_ funny.” I said putting my hands on my hips but was only met with a cold, lifeless, blank stare as he blinked once. “Okay, maybe not laugh out loud funny but more sadistic, twisted sense of humor type.” He was already moving past me to get to his precious collection. I whirled around grabbing his wrist. “Okay that came out wrong. Levi, stop worrying, seriously. You are perfect just the way you are, you don’t need to smoke for them to like you. And if at any moment you feel uncomfortable, I will be right there sitting next to you okay?” I reeled him in close and lowered myself so my forehead was touching his and I listened as he took a deep breath.

His hands came up on my face and his head angled so that the tips of our noses were touching, “This is all new to me, I might really fuck it up tonight,” he said no longer disguising his nerves to me. I pulled back and kissed his adorable nose.

“Then how about we make this a game?” I asked smirking, feeling the mischief bubbling under my gaze. He watched me and raised an eyebrow, lips twitching. I had caught his interest undoubtedly.

“I’m listening,” he urged me, hands falling from my face to cross over his chest as his hip poked outward in a relaxed manner.

“If tonight, you slip up and say _one_ swear word, I win and you owe me what’s left of your cocaine.”

“Aaaaand you lost me,” he said bringing his hands up and preparing to straighten his body and walk out but I kept going.

“BUT, if you win, and can hold your tongue all night…” I stepped closer to him, our bodies touching as my hands trickled up his sides and under his shirt causing him to breathe sharply. “Then I’ll give you something special,” I said in a low tone trying my hardest to be seductive.  I leaned down and started kissing at his neck, licking sweetly and was encouraged to do more when I heard the low moan of approval from him. His hands crept on my sides as well, touching sensually over my abs before returning to my sides. And then there was a sharp pang of pain.

“Ow!” I cringed, mouth falling off of him as his fingers grabbed hold of my flabby flesh and twist at it evilly.

“Eren,” he breathed into my ear. “Are you really trying to make me pick between sex and my drugs? My only two favorite things on this planet?” He paused, and I pulled back face muscles stretching out in an uncomfortable face.

“I thought I was your favorite thing,” I said trying to twist out of his hold. He huffed out air from his nose.

“You’re not a _thing_ you’re a _person_ , there’s a difference.”

I shrugged getting out of his death grip, “Eh, both nouns.”

He looked like he wanted to pop me on the lip, but he didn’t. He just stared at me and I noticed the softening form of his eyes around his usual rings. “Are you sure you’re ready for that? We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to if you’re not ready. I can always wait,” he was referring to sex. It was true, after what happened that night on Halloween my sex drive had, fallen you could say. We would try, but the reminder of that stranger hovering above me and what he had just done would always come back and I would need him to stop. It was traumatic.

“No, I’m ready this time,” I said steadily. “I promise.” I said smiling widely. Please, for once don’t question me Levi just accept my answer. He stared at me, poking out a cheek filled with air.

“Alright, you got yourself a deal.”

 

So we ended up being a little bit late, my watch said it was fifteen minutes after the time we were supposed to come. I didn’t even bother knocking; I just fumbled with my key at the front door.

“What’s taking you so long to open the door?” Levi questioned from behind me. If only he could see the irritated gleam in my eyes.

“I don’t know. Maybe if someone wasn’t _death gripping_ my hand, I could use it to help open the door!” I said in a low volume so no one would hear us. Levi had been locked on my hand like an iron claw from the second we walked out his place all the way over to mine. He wasn’t kidding, he was nervous as hell.

“Oh so you’re saying this is my fault?” He bit back sounding a tab bit offended.

“If the shoe fits,” I replied finally twisting the knob.

“That analogy doesn’t even make sense!”

I twisted the door opening it. “When do mine ever?” I said whipping him inside with me and closing the door behind us both. The second we made it in we both took off our shoes, Levi finally letting go of my hand when he heard footsteps coming towards us.

“Eren and company! Welcome! Albeit you’re a little late but that’s fine. As long as you’re here, the party couldn’t have started without you,” Grisha was over killing it as he kept thinking I was going to skip out on this dinner even though I told him I wasn’t. He walked closer giving me a hug and pulled back looking at Levi, giving him the glance over a few times. “Eren, are you making friends with middle schoolers now? Ha, I’m just joking around.” Oh God, stop with the lame jokes Grisha, they are not appreciated. Levi glanced over to me sharply like a lost child wondering how the hell he was supposed to respond to which I just shrugged my shoulders lightly and cracked a false smile hoping he’s catch on.

“Oh HA-HA, good one Mr. Jaeger, I haven’t heard that one before! Actually, till now I thought I was normal height but _now_ I know!” Levi sounded chipper but I knew that right now he was using his ultimate form of sarcasm. Grisha didn’t suspect a thing as he kept laughing boomingly.

“And knowledge is power,” he said pointing a finger at Levi.

“Riiiiight,” Levi dragged on, tone growing more monotone by the second.

“Well sorry to have to give you the news,” he said nudging an elbow at Levi who looked alien accepting it digging into his arm. Then Grisha turned to me waving us to follow him into the dining room. “So what’s your name son?” He asked Levi.

“Levi,” he responded glancing at me quickly when I nodded to him. He was doing a great job. Our hands brushed against each other and I felt him lightly grip at my pinkie and I flexed mine out hooking it with his smiling lightly at the nervous heat in his hand.

“Oh I like that name. That was almost your name Eren. That would’ve been awkward huh?” I had never heard that story before so to me that wasn’t true. Finally we turned the corner and I was met with all the familiar faces that I actually liked to see.

“Eren!” Armin chirped happily.

“About time Jaeger,” Jean added in.

Mikasa and Annie were just walking to the room having filled their drinks and bringing them in. Grisha was already walking over to this seat at the table while we sat towards the end of the furniture with Jean and Armin looking directly at us, more specifically gawking at Levi. They all were except Grisha because they all knew who he was to me.

“Oh shit, I can’t believe he really brought him,” Mikasa said, elbow up on the table and grinning deviously.

“Why are so many children staring at me?” Levi asked me crossing his arms and leaning over to me. His voice didn’t sound nervous, if anything irritated from all the attention he was receiving.

Jean leaned forward, “So you’re the guy Eren spends all his ti—HEY!” He yelled as I chucked a bread roll at his head. It was one thing that I was going to announce Levi as my boyfriend tonight, but spilling the beans about me skipping school to be with him was out of the question.

“Eren that was a waste!” Grisha scolded sadly watching as the roll plummeted to the ground.

“Sorry,” I lied grinning apologetically at him.

“So are we going to bless the food or…?” Annie added in making us all look at her. She was a woman of few words but for some reason whenever she spoke everyone paid attention.

“Excellent idea Annie,” Grisha nodded in her direction approvingly. “Levi, since you’re the new fella around here, how about you do it?”

“Uhh,” Levi began fumbling. He wasn’t a very religious guy and blessing the food wasn’t really something we did at home, we just ate.

“I got it Mr. Jaeger!” Armin swooped in saving the day. He gave me a quick glance and I telepathically threw my love and gratitude towards him. Levi was bound to butcher that shit. We all joined hands and I made it a point to squeeze Levi’s hand warmly. Armin blessed the food gracefully, using his eloquent ways with words like usual and finished off with an ‘amen’.

We all started digging in, grubbing down on the food and I was actually surprised that things were going pretty good so far. Levi had done a decent job of keeping up with small talk despite him not really being a people person. To tell the truth, I was waiting for him to make some salty comment about Grisha’s cooking but he never did, he just chewed it down easily and even grabbed seconds.

“So Levi,” Grisha said in between bites, “how did you and Eren meet? I don’t think I’ve ever heard him mention you but I’m assuming you’re one of his friends from school right?” Dead silence. All the gay couples in the house were on high alert. Grisha didn’t have a fucking clue, all of us were gay and of all the couples to call out first it just had to be me.

“Alright! Wow, that was the best turkey I’ve ever had in my life! Thanks Mr. Jaeger, you should cook this more often!” Armin randomly threw in causing the light tension to disappear.

Grisha just blinked, “Um thanks Armin. You’re too kind...” He then skipped back over to us. “Now Levi, how—”

“Grisha! Did you know that Eren and Annie used to date?” Mikasa hollered. What was going on? Were her and Armin trying to protect me?

“They did?” Grisha asked.

“You _did_?” Levi asked turning to me.

I shrugged. “I did. It was during a different phase in my life.”

“I’m sorry did you just say a ‘phase’?” Grisha had planted down his fork and knife and raised his elbow on the table, palm up in the air and open. The playful air of the room had dissipated, no one was smiling and laughing amongst the food anymore.

“Okay, I can see this dinner is about to get weird…” Jean said scooting back in his seat and trying to get up but Armin reached a hand over to ease him back down.

“Eren, you really don’t have to do this,” Mikasa warned, angling herself towards me and leaning further over the table. It was funny. I had talked shit a while ago about how I didn’t care what Grisha thought about my homosexuality but now, things were different. I couldn’t believe it but I was jumpy, Mikasa didn’t tell him about her choice in a partner. Maybe she did that for a reason.

I opened my mouth, feeling its dryness and tried to make this moment my confession when—

“I’m his tutor.” Levi said coolly.

“Huh?” I snapped my head over to him.

“What?” Everyone seemed to say in unison. What was Levi doing?

“So you _do_ go to school with him?” Grisha asked Levi, forgetting about the rest of us in the room.

“Yes sir,” Levi agreed. “Eren came to me a few weeks ago talking about his awful grades so I agreed to tutor him. I don’t have any family members I could really spend the holiday with so Eren offered to bring me over here.”

He was lying. I mean yeah, he does tutor me and I have been doing better in school because of him but that was a lie. He was my boyfriend, not only some stupid tutor. I should tell Grisha. He needs to know who this man is to me and better yet, he needs to know who I really am. I can’t keep lying about this forever. Eventually we’ll run out of lies.

Grisha, seemed to take on complete ease as he sank back in his seat and let out an audible sigh. “Oh thank goodness. I thought for a second there you were going to say something revolting Eren.”

“Sir, wh—what do you mean by ‘revolting’?” Armin asked meekly with a puppy dog face.

Grisha snorted cutting into his meat. “I’m talking about homosexuality of course.”

He was the only one touching his food, everyone else seemed to have visibly lost their appetite.

“What’s wrong with it?” Annie was the one to ask the question that every individual in the room wanted to know. Her face remained cool, as if she was unfazed by his words. Only her and Levi were the ones strong enough to look so passive.

“It’s a sin. God clearly says in the bible that homosexuality is wrong and that’s what it is. It’s disgusting. It ranks right up there with lying, cheating, or even stealing.  Men should not be touching or sleeping with other men and don’t even get me started with women.” He finished off speaking in a tone of resentment.

“No, let’s talk about the women Grisha. I want to know what you have to say,” Mikasa pressed him to push on, leaning forward on the table with both elbows pressed on it. I couldn’t believe this was happening right now. What had I done?

“It’s absolutely unacceptable. Woman was made from Adam’s rib so that she could be a companion to him, not run off with some other girl. They make absolutely no sense. Most of them go around dressing up like dikes trying to attract other women. They’re dressing up like men, yet another sin. They’re just asking to burn in hell. They’re abominations,” I had never heard Grisha speak like this before. It was almost hard to believe it was coming from him, he had been so nice earlier but this person talking right now. He was a monster.

“Are you kidding me right now?” Mikasa said lancing forward but Annie grabbed at her arm pulling her back.

“Why are you getting all upset?” He asked confused.

“You’re not talking about them like they’re human,” I said through gritted teeth. “They’re people just like you. All they want to do is be able to love and to not be hated.”

Grisha rolled his eyes, “I don’t care what they want. I just want them to get off American soil and stop tainting our educational systems before they get to the kids and poison them. Oh and then the fact that now they have a gay pride month. Ridiculous. If all this keeps up, all the kids growing up will think it’s okay and they’ll be gay too.”

“Homosexuality isn’t a choice, people can’t help who they’re attracted to,” Jean bit in clearly pissed off. Everyone in the room appeared to be. My teeth had been tearing into my bottom lip and it was taking everything in me not to deck him in the jaw like he had done to me not too long ago.

“That’s malarkey,” Grisha said sharply pointing his fork at Jean. “It’s just a trend that all these kids are going through. You can’t find love with the same sex. It’s impossible. The fact that all of you are even defending them sickens me. Clearly Levi is the only one with his head on his shoulders here.”

There was a pause, as if time stopped itself specifically for this moment. Levi’s head was downward, hair covering and casting a light shadows over his eyes. I could see his hands balled up into fists in his hands, trembling as he was becoming overwhelmed with emotion. Then it happened. He stood up, swiftly and roughly causing the chair he was sitting in to fall back completely and crash to the floor. Some of us jumped at the action, but I never looked away from his form, practically emanating fury. “I’ve had enough,” he spoke lowly, voice tainted with rage.

“Excuse me?” Grisha asked as if he didn’t hear him. Levi looked up and shot Grisha with one of the most hateful stares I had ever seen him deliver.

“I’m not going to sit here and listen to you shit talk our lifestyle with your ignorant ass comments,” he hissed out reaching downward and grabbing at my hand enlacing our fingers as I got up to leave too.

Grisha looked appalled. “Eren, you’re…”

“He’s not the only one,” Mikasa said standing up and grabbing Annie’s hand as well. “We all are. But I think you made it clear that our kind isn’t wanted here,” everyone got up and began walking away from the table leaving Grisha alone at the dinner table by himself. Previously I had told him that I didn’t hate him, that was still true but that didn’t mean I was disappointed in him.

 

_Do you think about everything you’ve been through, you never thought you’d be so depressed_

Three Days Grace was the only thing that was alive and speaking in this car. We had all left my house about fifteen minutes ago and it was like we were all playing follow the leader. Levi was the first to stand up for us all and so here we all were in his truck. Me in the front, Armin and Jean in the backseat, and Mikasa and Annie in the further back. No one had said a word since our departure, but we all shared the same grim expression.

“This is all my fault,” I admitted allowing my head to sink low in my right hand. “I just had to open my big mouth and fuck things up, like always.” I paused rubbing at my eyebrows. “I just thought everything would be so much smoother than that. Damn! Just when things were getting good between us…” Levi reached over and grabbed my spare hand in his.

“Things still can be good,” he reassured smoothly making my heart ease its erratic beating.

“Do you really believe that?” He always had the answers, since the first time I met him he always knew what was best. Levi enlaced our fingers and glanced over at me slowly.

“Have I ever lied to you before?” Something about the rhythm of his voice and the warmth of his hand on mine evened me back out. It’s amazing how something so small like a touch from the person you love can put your mind to rest.

“Don’t blame yourself Eren,” Mikasa spoke up from the back causing me to whirl around in my seat. “You couldn’t have known Grisha was an extreme homophobe. None of us did.” She was leaning on Annie as she rubbed her shoulder gently. I think this was the first time they genuinely looked like a couple to me.

“Your dad is an asshole,” Armin said enunciating the swear word.

“I should’ve told him his turkey tasted like ass,” Annie said shaking her head.

“How do you know what ass tastes like?” I teased budding in but when a perverted smile crept up on her face I felt my stomach knot up. “Never mind, don’t tell me anything.”

“Good choice brat,” Levi cut in, smirking at me. He of all people should know, he’s been in mine more than a few times and the same for me. It was delicious, especially if you rimmed it with whipped cream.

“Well dinner was a wreck and now we’re all cramped together in this thuggish car,” Jean said looking out the tinted window. Levi made a ‘tch’ sound from between his teeth.

“Eren, who is this kid and will anybody look for him if he goes missing?” I giggled putting my free hand over my mouth and looked back at Levi’s new victim.

“That’s Jean aka horse face. Armin sees something in him so we all try too,” I said gaining a light mumble of laughter from everyone in the car except the victim.

“So,” Armin began looking down at his watch. “The night is still early? I mean yeah dinner kind of wamped but we could all still do something.”

“I’m broke,” Annie said looking as though she was feeling in her pockets.

“Well, that ship sank before it sailed,” Levi remarked shrugging his shoulders.

Think Eren. What was a place we could all go to that would be fun and absolutely free of charge for everyone to enjoy? Think. Think think think.

A wide grin spread on my face and Levi had just caught it, freezing his face up into a hard exterior.

“No, absolutely fucking not.” He said strictly. “There is no way in hell we’re going there.”

And that was when I gave him all I got, I gave him the puppy dog eyes. Long. Hard. Desperately. Pitifully. Adorably.

“I hate when you do that,” he confessed, sounding the least bit like he meant it. I stopped and rearranged my face up smiling. I had won.

 

“ _This_ is the place you hang out at?” Jean sounded dumbfounded as he gawked all around the same way I did when I first came here. “Is that a man or a woman? I can’t freakin’ tell!” He yelled throwing his arms out, he was a little bit tipsy. Hell all of us were, Levi had ordered us a few drinks, they didn’t bother ID us, they knew we were _Saintes Femmes_ regulars.

“Who cares!” Armin rang out quickly following up with a hiccup. “This place is amazing,” he was excited, Armin liked things like this. Fresh, new ways to have fun and coming to a burlesque strip club was right up his alley.

“So short stuff,” Mikasa began leaning lazily on the table and looking at Levi. “How did you meet my brother?”

Levi threw his head back, taking down the tequila shot and swallowing fast before directing those haunting grey jewels on my sister. “Well, it all started when this dunce forgot his ticket at a concert.” Levi looked over to me and through the haze of my tipsyness I saw the fondness behind his eyes as we shared a moment in front of everyone. In our eyes we saw everything, him telling me to go away, me pestering him about smoking, the name exchange, the drugs, everything. But that was just between us.

“Be good to him okay?” Mikasa said looking directly at Levi, eyes not wavering. “That’s my brother and if you guys are as in love as your eye contact shows, take care of him.” She said it warmly and graced everyone at the table with a gentle smile, cheeks turned up happily as she looked at the both of us. I hadn’t seen Mikasa look that happy in a while, it made my heart hurt. But in a good way.

“I will,” Levi said reaching a hand over and grabbing mine bringing it up to his lips and kissing it. I blushed, it was cheesy like something from a princess movie but I still felt honored. I guess that made me his princess. Oh god, I’m an idiot. An idiot hopelessly in love.

“I have to go to the bathroom, Eren can you show me where it is?” Jean asked me standing up. I didn’t know why of all people he picked me. I assumed it was because I knew the place well. I got up.

“We’ll be back,” I said loosening my hand from Levi’s grip. We walked away into the darkness towards the back and around the corner into the bathroom. Jean was in front and he pushed the door open for us both and I stepped in after him. As soon as we were in he turned around.

“Dude,” he began.

“What?” I asked looking at him oddly.

“Look I know this is probably the most fucked up time to tell you this being on this nice strip club three way date and all but in cant hold this in anymore!” He was freaking out, and beginning to pace the bathroom. “I’ve got to tell someone.”

I stepped forward trying to touch his shoulder and calm him down. “Jean what the hell are you talking about?” I was beyond lost.

He turned to me dramatically using both hands to tell me, “Marco. Fucking. Marco. Bott.”

Immediately on hearing this name my arms lowered and I stepped back, eyelids lowering into something like a sharp gaze. “Jean, don’t tell me you had sex with him.”

Jean bit his lip, “No, I didn’t. Something else happened.” He looked guilty as hell and that only left one other thing.

I stepped forward, looking all around the bathroom ignoring the one person who was in here with us in the stall clearly taking a shit. “You sucked his dick, didn’t you!?”

“Take that statement and just reverse it.” He said shakily. Oh. My. God.

“You bastard! How could you fucking do that to Armin!?” I hollered in his face but Jean only tried to cover my mouth with his hands.

“Hey hey hey! I didn’t do this on purpose Eren, it just happened!” He yelled back. I snorted loudly.

“Oh yeah, your dick just fell right into his mouth. Great, an accident. I can’t fucking believe you. Did you tell him?”

Jean remained silent looking away.

“Did you fucking tell him?” I repeated through my teeth.

“Not yet,” he admitted. I exhaled what felt like all the air in my lungs.

“This is ridiculous, I’m fucking telling him,” I said turning around and going for the door but he gripped my wrist.

“You can’t! It’ll ruin everything.” He seemed distraught.

“Oh and you haven’t done that already?” I spat back.

“Please don’t Eren. Please.” He begged. I looked him up and down and made sure he could see how disgusted and disappointed in him I was.

“This is too funny. Last time it was you trying to snitch on me for what I do behind closed door and I was begging you not to say a word,” I yelled pointing a finger in his face.

“And I didn’t tell did I? I kept my word!” He yelled right back.

“Jean how long do you want me to keep doing this? To keep turning a blind eye like I don’t know what you’re doing?” I needed an answer. Jean was looking at the bathroom floor but suddenly, he titled his head upward boring those amber flames into my eyes.

“For as long as I turn the blind eye on you,” he spoke venomously. I sucked in air, feeling like he knocked it out of me.

We were both liars. Both of us had secrets that we weren’t willing for others to find out. We were the only two who knew everything the other did out of our friend group. We were the poison to our group. Me and Jean. Shit.

“Fine,” I agreed making yet another forbidden agreement with him like I somehow always ended up doing.

We were just getting ready to turn and leave out when the man inside the stall opened it up and walked out, and the second he did all I saw was fucking blood red. His eyes locked with mine, face still bloody and beaten to a pulp from when Levi had attacked him. It was _him._ My attempted rapist.

The man looked shocked and jumped a bit, “Oh! It’s yo—” He never finished as I decked the mother fucker in the jaw so hard I felt it in my bones and travel all the way up my arms. It was a clean punch as he was knocked out on the bathroom floor immediately.

“What the fuck Jaeger!” Jean yelled going over to examine the man. “Do you know this guy?” He asked me. I stared, eyes cold on the unconscious man and spat right on his forehead.

“You could say that,” I simply remarked exiting the bathroom with Jean right behind me and back to the table. Weird. Levi and Mikasa were chatting it up heavily and both of them seemed to be enjoying themselves with whatever they were talking about. Jean and I both slid back in our seats to hear the remaining conversation. Mikasa turned to me with a wrinkled nose.

“What?” I asked holding my fist in one hand.

“You’re a screamer huh?” She noted and for what felt like the billionth time tonight I felt my face heat up and travel to my neck. “And apparently you can deep throat too.”

“Levi!” I yelled looking to him and sinking my head into his shoulder embarrassed.

He chuckled, bring a hand over and touching my back. “So let me get this straight, you actually like looking at and licking a vagina? Really?” Levi asked seeming grossed out.

“Damn right,” Mikasa agreed.

Levi faked a gag, “Disgusting.”

“No, penis’s are disgusting. It’s just a thick, veiney, stick with two hairy balls that sag.” She looked like she wanted to wash her mouth out just talking about it.

“Sister, your vagina is sickening. They look like dark caves with ugly faces. And it’s too much going on. You guys have like three different holes.” He swatted his wrist at his claim.

“Two,” Mikasa corrected quickly.

“Still the same, gross.” Mikasa smirked.

“Agree to disagree?” Levi nodded.

“Deal.” Well, they were getting along great.

“EREEEEEN! LEVIIIII!” We knew that blaring scream anywhere, we had been stopped and it was too late to stop the death grip that trapped around both our necks.

“Hanji,” I squeaked out taking her forearm. “Good to see you too.”

“Shitty glasses, I swear to God if you kill me tonight…” Levi threatened and she let go. We both grabbed at our throats to catch our breath before looking back at her. “What the hell is wrong with you?” Levi asked looking her up and down.

She grinned massively and laughed a bit too perkily. Something was off. “Guys, I just snorted a whole three lines of cocaine you have g—” Never in our lives had Levi and I both moved so in tune with one another outside of sex. I was on her left and he was on her right, both our hands smashed over her mouth. She tried resisting, but the two of us were too strong.

“What did she just say?” Armin hiccupped.

“Uhh,” I began looking at Levi sharply. “She’s drunk. She does this kind of stuff all the time. You know, coming up to random customers and telling them all about her wild adventures,” I laughed at the end more out or nervousness than sincerity. Everyone at the table stared blankly, Jean being the only who for sure saw through this.

“Ohhhhh,” They all said in unison.

“Yeahh,” Levi said relieved as well. Hanji almost completely fucked that up. “Come on Hanji, let’s take a quick walk,” we both excused ourselves and slipped away into the crowd. “What the fuck four eyes? You almost exposed Eren!” He yelled. She clearly didn’t have her head on right.

“Sorrrrrrrry, I’m just so,” she paused staring into space for a moment. “I’m so fucked up. My bad guys.” She stopped again this time blinking a few times as if she were just waking up. “Where’s Moblit? MOBLIT! MOOOOBLIT!” She screamed off into the crowd and just waltzing away from us as if we were never there to begin with.

Levi crossed his arms and shook his head, “If I ever get that fucked up, just hit me over the head and knock me out.” He said looking at me. I nodded, laughing.

“You lost,” I said. He raised an eyebrow.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” He questioned. I held up my hands, with digits expanded.

“Eight. You cursed eight times tonight. I think you own me your cocaine stash.” Levi seemed to be slowly processing what I was saying as his confusion melted and turned into a smirk and he dropped his arms and shook his head repeatedly.

“Vous habile peu merde,” he said still smirking. I came forward laying a hand on his chest.

“I don’t know what you said but it sounded hot. Everything you say in French sounds hot. You should speak it to me in the bedroom tonight,” I said grabbing at his collar and pulling him closer to my chest. Though we were standing inside a massive crowd, I could only see him. It was as if everyone else was nothing but a shadow and all the light was cast upon us. He tip toed up as he always did and kissed my lips passionately, wrapping his arms behind my neck.

“That’s a promise I can keep.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! catch you next tuesday guys!


	20. Gift from the Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> its the best time of the year, Christmas time!

And so, time breezed by and I watched each day as more and more leaves fell to the ground and the beautiful color of autumn had disappeared. It seemed like every day it snowed, as piles of the white cotton consumed the ground. I looked at the news this morning, wrapped up with Levi naked and coming down from an extreme high, and saw that school was actually cancelled all week. December was a good month. Well, it would be if I could first survive this shopping trip with Hanji.

“Aaaand, I want that one! Thanks so much!” She said to the sales clerk in Teavana. I watched from outside as the person handed her the bag filled with whatever contents she bought, I hated this store and I refused to walk in. They always had hippy music playing and everyone was always blowing tea scents into your face and practically begging you for samples. Ugh.

“Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays!” The greeting woman yelled to her cheerfully while wearing a Santa hat. Hanji smiled gingerly waving back as well before walking over to me.

“Can we go now? It’s getting crowded in here,” I said looking around uncomfortably. Whose dumb idea was it to come to the mall with only two weeks left till Christmas? Mine. It was packed, all age groups blocking every isle in every damn store because we were all doing last minute shopping. “What did you get?” I asked peering at her little bag hung on her forearm.

Hanji followed my eyes down to the bag as we strolled through the mall, “Oh! Well, I never really know what to get Levi so I just get him black tea. It’s not really the most creative gift but then again, with him the more bland you are the better he’ll like the gift.” She stopped and dropped her endless amount of bags. “Jeez, they need to start having grocery baskets or something in the mall. My arms are killing me!” She said trying to stretch them. I sighed and went to her side helping her with her massive amount. “Eren, why don’t you really have that many bags?”

Compared to her, I was seriously lacking. I only had two small bags. One gift for Armin, which was just some criminal justice book he was raging about, and one for Mikasa which was a red scarf that I thought she would like. Nothing for Grisha, things were still unnerving around us all. That just left these two. Hanji peered over and practically dug her head in my bags pulling back roughly and looking extremely displeased.

“Is this really the best you could do!? Levi won’t like either of these!” She smacked me lightly behind the head.

“They’re not for Levi,” I corrected her and continued walking. She was on my heels.

“Oh. Well what did you get for him?” She pried. It was embarrassing to admit it, but then again she was his friend for the longest so maybe it was best to confide in her.

“Because I have no idea what to get him!” I professed, slumping my shoulders at how pitiful I was. “I’ve been thinking about it all month, and it really sucks that Christmas is his birthday too because that means my gift has to be ten times better than anyone else’s!” It was so complicated, I should’ve smoked a blunt and then thought about all this, that always helped calm my mind.

Hanji remained silent, just walking by my side and hearing me out, well until I heard her burst into small giggles. I looked over at her pouting my lip, “What’s so funny?” I sounded like a snotty brat.

She shook her head, covering her mouth, “You’re overanalyzing it and making it a bigger deal than what it should be.” We were almost close to the main exit now, and we stopped, taking time to put our coats back on and cover our hands with gloves. “Just think Eren. You have to give him something that no one else can, something that comes from here,” she leaned forward pointing a finger, and touched my chest through my coat. I looked down at her hand on me then followed as she pulled it away.

Give him something that comes from the heart huh? That gave me a brilliant idea.

 

“Are you sure this is legal?” I asked observing the outdoor arena before us.

“Positive,” he responded climbing over the border adorably, I brought my hands up on his booty helping him over. I was surprised at how easily he was able to stand.

“Okay but are you _sure_?” I asked again for safe measure. Levi placed both gloved hands on the border between us and gave me a sassy face.

“I already said yes now c’mon. Let’s have some fun,” he said smiling mischievously, and holding out a helping hand for me. I looked from it to him at least three times before giving up.

“Fine. But if the police come after us, I’m using you as a human shield,” I joked taking his hand and allowing him to help ease me over slowly. When my feet made contact with the ground, I was already wobbling all over the place.

“Good luck with that threat. You can’t even stand still by yourself,” Levi remarked playfully sliding backward and watching me fumble in place. I tried reaching out for him but lost my footing completely and fell on my hands and knees. He laughed and skated closer to me, bending down and taking both my gloved hands in his. “You’re making this look a lot harder than what it actually is.”

It was snowing outside, not heavily but enough to the point that it made the roads dangerous to be a part of. After me and Hanji came up with a gift idea, she dropped me back off at Levi’s. We smoked a little bit of coke before coming out, something we hadn’t done yet because usually we just injected for a more pure and vibrant high. This one was more chilled and easy going, especially considering both of our tolerance levels had grown. We had to do more than the average person if we wanted a hardcore high, but tonight wasn’t the case for that.

When Levi saw this ice skating rink, he turned into a big baby and automatically pulled over to get on the ice, despite it being closed. This was so important to him that he even found a shop and bought us both ice skates, and here we were hopping the gates and sneaking on the ice anyway.

“I don’t really know what I’m doing,” I told him, gripping onto his hands for dear life. Levi smiled, warmly and batted his eyes just once, gaze solely focused on nothing but me.

“Just hold on to me,” he instructed confidently. “I’ll guide you.” Behind him there were trees, lined up all around the small ice pond and on them were decorative Christmas lights. Some trees shone bright with white, blinking icicle lights on each branch. Other illuminated a deep, cerulean blue. Maybe it was the lighting, but seeing Levi smiling down on me with the magical lights behind his head and the perfect white chunks of snow, my heart jolted and though it was freezing outside, my heart gave off a warmth that spread through me making me feel tingly.

“Okay,” I agreed, smiling softly back as he helped me stand. And with that, I gave him control over my body.

He guided me, placing my hands on his waist where I death gripped them as he skated along, steering us both. It was freighting at first, sliding over the occasional bumps where I would stumble but Levi was always there to catch me and get me back on my feet. Time and time again. Eventually, when I got the hang of things, Levi started to let me skate off on my own, but always stayed close just in case I tumbled downward. We tried racing but Levi won every time, giving me a kiss on the cheek each time he breezed past me. One time I actually turned my head right on time and nailed his lips, smiling as his lips poked against mine briefly.

“You know what I just realized?” I said, as we skated around holding our hands that were gloved in mittens.

“Lay it on me,” Levi said looking upward at me, twitching his eye as a snowflake landed directly on his eyelash. I saw it and slowed our rotation to a stop and brought a hand up rubbing at his slightly irritated eyeball.

“There you go,” I said smiling down on his beautifully lit face, despite its flat look.

“It still hurts,” Levi complained putting a mitten over his eye. I straightened my lips out then grabbed his shoulders leaning down and kissing right over his eye.

“Better?” I asked pulling back.

“That was…gross,” Levi confessed causing me to roll my eye. Maybe it was just me, but normally that would’ve been gross kissing someone on the eye but I had done just about everything with this man. Getting a little eye juice on my lips was whatever.

“No, smelling your poop is gross,” I countered. He stunk but I stood there anyway. He laughed to himself.

“Yours is worse,” he said back, eyes livened as they remained on me.

“No yours is.”

“Yours.”

“Yours is!”

“It’s not!” Then he stopped bringing up both hands. “Are we really arguing about whose shit smells better? All shit stinks,” He seemed amused yet confused at everything we had just spent minutes going on about.

“Yeah I guess we were.” I snickered and joined in with him in laughter, his calmer and less explosive than mine. Still though, the sounds we made together were always lovely to my ears. We were such a weird, drug addicted, poop sniffing couple but we were meant to be. Then I remembered what I was going to say before I got distracted. “Oh yeah! Like I was saying, I just realized that we’ve been together all this time and we haven’t taken not a single picture together.”

Levi raised one fine eyebrow, “A picture?”

I nodded, “Yeah like, that’s usually what couples do. Mikasa has pictures of her and Annie all over her instagram. Armin makes cute little collages of him and Jean and puts them on a billboard. Meanwhile we have nothing.”

“I’m not really a picture person…” Levi admitted, face scrunching up.

“Please, just one. Then I promise you won’t have to take another one a day in your life.” He sighed and closed his eyes before shifting and turning his back around to lay on my chest while I fumbled with my glove taking it off and preparing my phone. I wrapped an arm around his coated waist and held it tight against me.

“Hurry it up, let’s make this quick,” he instructed crossing his arms and staring at the lens. I looked at him and felt my face go sour.

“Levi, usually people smile for these things.” I felt like I was teaching him how to do basic things, everybody knew how to smile. Even babies were better at it than him.

“I _am_ smiling,” he said back giving me a small glare. I sighed, rolling my eyes.

“With teeth. Or even a small turn up of the lips. C’mon please? This is the only picture I’ll have and I want it to be perfect.” I was whining and if there was one pet peeve Levi had it was when ‘shitty brats whined’. Okay I made that up but still.

“Okay fine! Here I go,” he said relaxing up his body a bit, he uncrossed his arms and they rested on my forearm of the arm I had wrapped around his waist. I aimed the phone perfectly, smiling huge and flashed the button snapping the picture. But I wasn’t done. I snapped it at least ten more times and even moved over to give me Levi a kiss on the cheek happily. I was about to stop when his head turned over and our lips met, I was so involved in the kiss I almost forgot to snap the picture.

The kiss was deep, and our tongues were lavishing in each other’s mouths as they massaged around each other fervently. Slowly, I lowered the phone and pocketed it as I used my hands to hold the smaller man against me and continue kissing him. Now this was a picture to see, I bet even to people who were homophobic the sight of two lovers kissing under the lights while snow fell around them was absolutely beautiful.

“What do you want for Christmas?” I asked him, gazing deeply into those eyes, using my head as a shield so no more snow would invade his eyes.

“You,” he responded, lips turnt upright into a tiny smile. I rolled my eyes.

“Yeah okay ha-ha, quit playing around. What do you want?” I asked thinking he was just being cheesy with me and playing around.

He continued on, “I’m being totally serious. As of right now, I have everything that I could ever need. I mean I’ve got a good job, decent acquaintances and friends, good drugs,” he said going on.

“Yeah, must be nice,” I said feeling the flame inside me lower as I couldn’t believe my name wasn’t the first thing he said. I was beginning to feel negative emotion in me when gloved hands touched both sides of my face and forced me to look into his tranquil grey eyes.

“All of that stuff is great but most of all, I have an amazing boyfriend who cares about me more than I ever cared about myself. He’s always there for me, cooks for me, cuddles with me, knows everything I’m feeling just by looking into my eyes. He understands me like no one in this world ever has and accepts me. I don’t know what good I’ve done to deserve him in my life, but I would never trade him away. He’s the most important person in my life, and having him by my side alone is the best Christmas and birthday gift the universe has ever given to me.”

I was touched. Unbelievably touched. No one had ever said such words to me before. He had never expressed his feelings for me so deeply before. It was wonderful, my heart swelled with overjoyed raw emotion and I felt my bottom lip quivering.

“That wasn’t supposed to make you cry,” he said wiping away a single tear that trailed down my face. I sniffed over and over, and wiped away at my face.

“I know, but I couldn’t help it! You know I’m an emotional piece of shit,” I said through tears and sniffs. Levi laughed and took hold of both my hands moving forward to kiss me.

“Hey,” he said sternly brining up a finger as if he didn’t like what I had called myself. Then his expression mellowed out, “You’re _my_ special little piece of shit Eren.” He sounded so proud of his word phrasing and I rolled my eyes playfully through the tears.

My tears were beginning to make my entire face cold, and Levi kept both gloved palms on my face mashing up my cheeks repeatedly trying to warm them. The snow had come to a slow and we figured it was time to head on home and turn in for the night.

 

Levi POV

He was snoring again. Eren was always snoring loud as shit when he got heavily enough into it. Sometimes I thought about strangling him, or maybe smothering him with a pillow. Other times I wanted to kiss him. Why did he have to be so fucking adorable when he slept?

I sat up on the bed, legs dangling off as the moonlight from my window shone casting a half shadow on me. Erwin had been calling me. For the past few days, he had been calling my phone a few times, leaving voicemails for me to call him back but damn it, I couldn’t do it. I was done with him. I had Eren now. I was starting to understand happiness again. I was in _love_. And this time, it was real. I fucking knew it was. It had to be. I ignored them all, I didn’t know what the fuck he wanted and I didn’t want to find out. But then, why was this keeping me up tonight? Why could I not stop staring at my blinking phone on my nightstand?

Fuck it. I need to know.

“It’s two in the morning and you choose _now_ to call back?” Erwin’s tired voice picked up on the other end. I had scooted off the bed, placing Eren’s stretched out arm over my pillow, using that as a replacement for my body and quietly stepped out of the room, pushing the door up.

“Be happy I called back at all,” I snipped into the phone, going to the window and cracking the blinds. Snowing, storming a bit but not as bad as earlier today.

“Do you always have to be so sassy with me?” Erwin asked, grunting like he was moving. I imagined him shirtless, with that five o clock shadow on his chin and growing stubble. Right now he would be cutting on his lamp next to his bed and putting on his glasses, as he didn’t sleep in his contacts obviously.

I crossed my arms, stepping back from the window. “It’s a curse trust me, I couldn’t be polite if a gun was pointed at my head.” True story. “Now what do you want?”

The severity of his tone had changed from that of a sleepy man to a man in uniform; he was full blown detective Erwin Smith right now. “Levi we need to talk.”

“We are talking,” I said coolly. I didn’t know what he was playing at, but I was done with tricky wording. I just wanted to find out exactly what he needed and call it a night and snuggle back up next to my hunny. Did I really just call him that? Disgusting. I was turning into a love bitten teenage girl.

“No, not over the phone in person. Immediately.” My eyebrow rose.

“I’m not available this week,” I said sassily. No way in hell did I want to meet with him. Talking over the phone like this was just fine with me.

“Well you’re up right now. Make a quick trip,” he was so nonchalant about it, as if life was just that simple.

“Are you fucking crazy? It’s storming outside right now. I’m not risking my life just so you can shoot the shit with me about God knows—” but the next words he sat shut my mouth, as if someone had sewed it shut.

“It’s about Eren.” He admitted.

It was automatic, my brain did not even have to think and process it. “I’m on my way.”

 

Being in the same room with an ex is an odd occurrence. I mean, you’re practically sitting there looking at the person that you used to let fuck you senseless on a daily. Except now you have to act all proper. You have to put on your blinders and act like all that intensity didn’t happen. This was odd.

I was sitting on the burgundy leather couch, with my legs crossed. Books were on shelves all behind his desk, mostly law books, and even some were scattered and opened lying on his desk beside all his paperwork. We were sitting in his personal office like room in his house, it looked like a room that belonged to an eighty year old scholar and Erwin fit the part as he sat there in nothing but his pajama pants and matching long sleeved shirt with his beard shadow and glasses like I predicted.

“Erwin,” I began leaning back further into the cushioned couch. “You didn’t just make up the Eren thing to get me to come out here did you?” I asked highly suspicious. I had been sitting here awkwardly for almost ten minutes and he had yet to say a damn thing about Eren. I can’t believe I drove in a blizzard and left my baby alone for this.

“Not at all,” Erwin replied using an index finger to lift his glasses up. He had been flipping diligently through files and finally he landed on something and graced me with his eye contact finally holding up a picture to me. “Do you know this man?”

On sight of seeing that ash blond hair, the blood inside me caught fire and I suddenly had murderous instinct kick back in all over again. That fucking rapist son of a bitch. But I couldn’t let that show. “I’ve seen his face before,” I admitted shrugging trying to play cool. Erwin just tossed the file towards me and dropped his head onto his knuckles.

“Oh really? That’s it?” He pried.

“Isn’t that what I said?” I was getting defensive and I knew he was it too.

“Where have you seen this guy?” He asked going further and leaning forward across the desk. I looked down to the photo quickly then back up to him.

“Does it matter?” I asked curtly.

Erwin wasn’t fazed by my attitude, he had dealt with it for too many years. “Everything matter’s Levi.” He was being just as firm back.

“I don’t know,” I said bring my hand up and gesturing it heatedly. “Maybe passing by me on the street or something.” I was lying. And even I had to admit that was a pretty shitty lie. I knew it didn’t work, but Erwin knew me. I was never an easy person to deal with.

“How long ago was that?” He interrogated further.

“Why do you need to know?” I challenged fed up with this late night cross-examination. “I said I don’t know the guy Erwin. I _don’t_ remember ever having a single conversation with him and out of all the people in America, I don’t know why you had to call me. This is clearly harassment. I just might call the police on you Erwin, how would you like that?” I was doing it again, I was being sass master but man, when my brain goes on a roll it’s hard to stop it.

“Okay enough,” Erwin said slamming his hands on the desk. I didn’t flinch if that was what he was hoping for me to do, I just stared back equally as tenacious. “This man filed a report weeks ago claiming that he was beaten to a pulp by a man. A _short_ man.” Erwin emphasized. I rolled my eyes.

“I’m offended. I’m not the only vertically challenged man in all of Milford. Seriously, now I’m really considering filing that harassment report.”

Erwin ignored my nonsense. “He described the assailant man as short, black hair with an undercut, savage grey eyes, lean muscular build, slight baggage underneath his eyes, and a tattoo of blue and white wings on his forearm. I’d be able to pin that physical description even in my sleep.” He finished looking at me with disciplinary eyes.

I exhaled turning my head away from his uncomfortable gaze, “I knew I should’ve gouged his disgusting eyes out,” I admitted shamelessly earning the ultimate scold from Erwin.

“How could you be so stupid!? You think that just because you survived prison once you can do it again? Attacking an innocent man like that—”

“Back up, that man was anything but fucking innocent. He’s a vile piece of trash and he’s lucky I didn’t kill his ass for what he tried to do.” I was pointing my finger in Erwin’s face as he stared at it for a moment before looking back into my eyes again.

“What did he do?” He asked. I was just about to tell him too when I remembered my whole purpose for being here in the first place.

“What does any of this have to do with Eren?” I asked getting back to the original question I had in the first place before Erwin turned the table and flipped shit making it all about me.

Erwin sighed glancing back down at the report. “Not too long after he filed a report for an assault in the bathroom of _Saintes Femmes_. He claimed he was punched in the face and this time the assailant was another male, about 5’7, dark brown hair, and a mix of blue and green eyes.”

I snorted, “And you just think that’s Eren automatically?” Fuck. I do remember Eren telling me about running into that asshole in the bathroom and decking him. I was probably the proudest boyfriend in the world when he said that. But now not so much, considering that the heat was involved. Erwin just stared hard, unbreakable. “Look, blame me for everything but don’t put any charges on Eren. He’s too young to have his life taken away.” If it was for Eren, I would gladly walk right back into the slammer with pride. I wouldn’t let anything happen to him.

Erwin put up a hand like he was overwhelmed by this conversation, “Because it’s you, I’ll see to it that this file doesn’t see the light of day.” He said putting it in his desk. I was relieved inside. Good ol’ Erwin, as long as that flame was there for me, no matter how small, he wouldn’t let me fall. “Levi, your attack was reported at a rave night club. What the hell were you doing at a rave party fighting?” He inquired angrily. He knew. That was where Hanji and I went every year and he knew what the meant. He knew I was back to doing those drugs again.

“That man drugged Eren! He was about to rape him and if I didn’t step in he would’ve destroyed his entire life.” I was speaking passionately and fiercely.

Erwin seemed baffled. “I understand that and trust me he will be taken care of, but you took Eren to a rave? Do you have any idea how many drugs you introduced him to? Those parties are full of nothing but addicts—” he stopped, eyes wandering off and going further towards the ground and I could just see the clogs ticking in his head. It was only a matter of seconds before he found out. His face settled into that of a quiet rage and I knew it was coming. “Levi,” his voice was acidic and low, “Please tell me you didn’t.”

I titled my head lower, glaring back just as hard, “Fine. I didn’t,” I repeated back easily.

Erwin hung his head low, and covered it partially with both hands, eyebrows crunching downward telling me just how striking this news was for him. “How could you do that? How could you give an innocent child that—that poison!?” He yelled throwing his hands away from his face.

I sat forward, uncrossing my arms and firing back just as heatedly. “ _Don’t_ do that, don’t make me out to sound like some devil that stole his soul,” my hand was pressed against my chest as I argued back.

“You didn’t steal his soul but those drugs damn sure will. That’s not what he needs Levi!”

How dare him speak about Eren, he didn’t know a fucking thing about him. Not like I did. “Oh and _you_ know what he needs? He came to me, desperate, begging me for a way to help him out of that hellish pain that fucking murderer gave to him and so I did. I gave him the best thing that I could offer.” I didn’t know what else to do with him back then. I couldn’t talk to him, I didn’t know what to say whatsoever so I decided to give him the coping method I knew well.

Erwin stood up now, towering over me and looking down as if I was nothing but an enemy in his eyes, “That boy is suffering! He needs someone to talk to, not dope to blow up his veins. You’re corrupting him!” He yelled.

“I’m helping him!” I hollered back standing as well.

“You’re killing him!” Erwin exploded, louder than I had ever heard him before, it sent a crack throughout the entire room and rang over a few more times in my head. I bit back, what did he just fucking say? “You’re killing him you idiot. You’re destroying him with this.”

I was dumbfounded. Killing Eren? Me? _No_. I would never do that to him, I couldn’t even dream of it because to put it simply, “I love him.” I confessed quietly to Erwin, eyes not wavering as they matched his gaze powerfully. “I’m in love with him, and he loves me. We are in love.” Of course I didn’t give him the chance to say it but I knew. I knew damn well how he felt all too well because I felt the exact same fucking thing back.

Erwin looked away for a moment, mouth hung open slightly before shutting back into a grim line. I watched as he swallowed and the hardening of his jaw bone became apparent. “You think this is love?” He asked looking back to me slowly. “Seeking someone out, offering them components that will destroy their body, ruining their future?” I didn’t say a word and he looked towards the ground letting out a gust of air before looking back up again. “I’ve seen that boy Levi. I’ve seen what is in his eyes and what he is capable of doing. He is dangerous, and you? Yeah, he may cling to you, listen to whatever you say, do your dirty deed with you but that doesn’t make it love. It’s a sick obsession you two have with one another.”

I was at a boiling point, “Why do you have to be the evil ex right now?” I cranked up my volume extremely loud.

Erwin looked exasperated, “I am NOT being evil anything, I’m telling you the truth! I’m telling you that you two are in an unhealthy, downward spiraling relationship that is fucking you both up! We may not be together anymore, but that doesn’t mean I want to see my ex boyfriend getting rolled up in a body bag with some innocent kid by his side. You two are chaotic, you have to stop. Be together all you want, fuck, be happy with him Levi. Love him with everything you have but not with those drugs. It’s not an option.”

Hearing Erwin say that, ragging on a relationship he didn’t know the slightest thing about and talking as if he knew everything, it irked me. It pissed me off. It made me feel livid. “You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about,” I practically growled at him through grinding teeth.  “And if I was you, I would shut that fucking mouth talking about things you know nothing about.”

Erwin leaned back, cool and relaxed, “Are you threatening me?” He asked sounding shocked at his own words.

“Take it however you want. I’m leaving. I’m tired of hearing all this bullshit.” I turned and marched out of his home making sure to slam the door, breaking the hinge.

Don’t tell me about my feelings Erwin. Don’t tell me that this isn’t love because it is. You’re the one who is in denial and can’t accept it. You’re the fool here. I would never kill Eren, _never_. I already had the lives of two on my shoulders and I didn’t intend on having another.

Everything was going to be fine and I didn’t need his two cents on my life.

Eren POV

“Armin, make sure you put Santa on the point,” his grandfather cooed out from his rocking chair, pointing at the wonderfully lit up Christmas tree. The mood was perfectly set in here, presents under the tree, all beautifully wrapped. Potted poinsettias were in various spots of the room, along with little glowing figurines of Christmas figures like Rudolph were blinking on and off. The TV was on in the distance playing the 4 hour marathon of A Christmas Story and soft Christmas songs played on Armin’s grandfather’s old school radio. His grandfather really didn’t play around when it came to Christmas.

Armin, who stood on the high point of the ladder, looked over his shoulder peering at his relative. “I thought we’d do something different this year.” He suggested putting up a bright and shining golden star instead.

His grandpa made a low displeased noise, “But I thought you liked Santa. You used to be so excited about putting him up.” Armin sighed lazily stepping down from the ladder.

“Grandpa that was back when I was a kid, I’m eighteen now.” He said proudly coming over and kissing him atop his wrinkly forehead.

“Yes but you’ll always be my little boy.” He said merrily smiling lovingly up at Armin. “Eren, Mikasa, how do you like your sweaters? I didn’t know what exact size to make but I did my best.” He asked gesturing to us who sat over on the couch near the tree.

Oh yeah, the second we came into the house Armin’s grandpa gave us our presents early, as it was only Christmas Eve. He made two sweaters for us, Christmas sweaters to be exact. Mine had a fat and jolly Mr. Claus leading the sleigh with all his faithful reindeer while Mikasa’s had Frosty the snowman on it being cheery as he was known for. They were nice sweaters, but since they were made of wool they were itchy as hell. I ignored the unbearable itch and smiled widely at the old man, “Yes, we love them. Thank you so much sir.”

He smiled warmly, and leaned back into his seat pleased, “Good.”

And so that was pretty much my Christmas Eve. We all just sat around watching Christmas specials for some time, opened up the presets we bought one another until it got late. Okay well not really but 8pm to a senior citizen is like 4am.

“I’m turning in,” His grandfather announced getting up and heading for the stairs. “Don’t get too crazy down here kids. And Armin,” he said glancing over at him sharply raising a finger. “No peeking.” We listened as his footsteps creaked up the steps until finally we heard the click of his door to his room.

“Oh thank God,” we all sighed, letting go of the ‘angel children’ vibe and immediately going for our sweaters to tear them off.

“I didn’t think he was ever going to leave,” Armin said tossing the sweater on the couch.

“No offense, I love him and all but what is this sweater made out of? Pubes?” Mikasa asked scratching at her arms as she took it off. Mr. Arlert really did try but jeez, these things felt like fleas were in them.

I ran both hands through my frizzed out hair thanks to the sweater and glanced at Armin, flipping at some locks, “So are you staying here all night or what?”

Armin made a ‘pfft’ noise with his lips. “No way, Jean’s coming to get me in like an hour. He couldn’t come because his family went out to dinner and he couldn’t bail.” Yeah, I hoped that really was the reason.

“I’m surprised you’re here, shouldn’t you be with your midget boo?” Mikasa teased trying on the red scarf I bought her. She loved it the moment she saw it which was cool to me. “Isn’t it like his birthday or something?”

“Yeah…” I said fumbling with the shirt I was wearing underneath.

“Hey, what’s with that face?” Armin asked leaning forward in our little circle pod we made.

I shrugged my shoulders, and shook away at my head but needed up squealing anyway, “I don’t know like, I woke up a few days ago and he wasn’t there right? Which is rare, because he’s always in my arms when I wake up but this time he was gone.”

“Possessive much?” Mikasa suggested making me evil glare her. “My bad. Go on.”

“ _Anyway_ ,” I pressed. “I looked around, I thought he would be in the bathroom shitting or something but he wasn’t. I called him few times and he ignored them all. Then he finally came home maybe a few hours later and he was really…different.”

They both blinked, not understanding or following my story. “What do you mean ‘different’?” Armin asked using air quotes.

I thought back to the exact chilly expression Levi had given me upon seeing my face and felt the sinking of my heart all over again. “I don’t know. Distant? Reserved. I mean he’s normally kind of private anyway but this time he just seemed completely locked off to me. I had to force him to look at me and when he did—” I gulped. “His eyes just read guilt. I don’t know what for but that’s what I saw.”

“Are you suggesting he’s cheating on you?!” Mikasa raiser her voice, hand slamming down on my shoulder forcing me to stare into her pissed off eyes. She was like a lioness defending her cub.

“Eren, that’s a big jump don’t you think? I mean, what made you even come up with that accusation? Did he smell like another guy? Hickeys? Text messages, anything,” Of course Armin would know the drill, he had been testing Jean on all of those things I was sure.

I lowered my head staring into my palms just recreating those regretful grey eyes that looked through me to my soul feeling the chill once more. “No, none of that but what else could he have been doing? He wouldn’t just not answer my calls…” I was staring to freak myself out a bit.

“Calm down, seriously calm down,” Armin attempted to persuade me gently. “Let’s look at this rationally. Levi left, you didn’t see him for hours, it’s Christmas time, maybe he was just caught up in some sort of last minute shopping mob and he couldn’t answer the phone.”

“Then why did he look so mopey when he came back?” I asked rubbing at my arms.

“Maybe he just couldn’t buy you the gift you wanted. Maybe he had to settle for something less you know? I’d be sad too if I had to get Annie silver when she asked for gold.” We both looked at her strange.

“You bought Annie gold? How rich are you?” I asked in disbelief but also laughing a bit. I knew she was trying to make me feel better and I could always count on her stale sense of humor to do that.

She looked between us both, darting those eyes before she finally cracked smiling. “Alright! Over the past few months I had been telling Grisha I needed money for school lunch and you know, I saved it up instead.” That was probably the cutest thing I had ever heard Mikasa say about her relationship with Annie.

“Wow.” Armin said nodding in approval. “Jean better have bought me something nice too. I mean I hope he did.” I hoped he did too. Now that I think about it, I wondered if he did buy something for Marco too. I’m such a fucked up friend. Here I am in Armin’s house listening to him daydream about what Jean got him when for all I know that guy could be getting finger probed by the freckled boy. Oh shit.

I brought a hand up to my forehead, feeling slightly overwhelmed. “Ugh, I need a drink.” I got up walking towards the kitchen.

“What are you about to do?” Mikasa asked grabbing at a Christmas cookie we didn’t demolish earlier on the table.

I looked over my shoulder and pointed a thumb towards the dark food room, “I’m gonna go spike my eggnog.” And that’s exactly what I did. This flask Levi had bought me a while ago had never been so in handy.

The horn beeped outside and Armin shot up fast practically scrambling over to the front door slamming his shoes on and grabbing his coat. “Okay sorry guys. I love you and all, but you have to go!”

Both me and Mikasa got up shaking our heads and laughing at his antics. As we put on our coats and shoes I pulled out my phone and looked at the clock. Ten thirty at night. It was almost time.

 

Perfect! I slithered my way into the apartment shutting the door cutting off the cold arctic chill on my back. I hurried up and threw off my coat turning on the lights. Levi wasn’t home yet, I made sure Hanji distracted him for a bit while I got the place ready. It was time for action!

I raced inside, going straight to the kitchen and preheating the oven and tossing some chocolate chip cookies inside. Then after that, I sprinted to our room, falling down on both knees and running my hands all underneath the bed until I found what I needed. Jackpot. I pulled the banner out along with some clear tape and got to work.

Levi had told me that he never really did have a birthday party before, considering his dad wasn’t around and his mother was just plain shitty. So I wanted this to be a big day for him. Not just Christmas, but an awesome birthday too. I wanted him to have the world and what better way to start than decorating the apartment up.

And so with the small hour I had, I decked the place out. I lit up the tiny Christmas tree we chopped down and decorated with blue lights, lit some vanilla candles I bought at the mall, placed warm cookies on the kitchen counter, made sure the ‘Happy Birthday’ banner was clear in sight, and now only one thing needed to be done. I went into the kitchen and carefully, pulled out a round cake I had hid behind the microwave this morning. I brought it to the living room, and ever so carefully un bagged it and began poking exactly twenty four slim white candles inside it.

Levi didn’t know, but that day we had gone ice skating and took pictures, I went to the bakery the next day and had them make me a cake, putting one of our photos on it. It was my favorite of the bunch, one where my lips were smashed against his cheek and his face was adorably scrunched up into a tiny smile. It was perfect. Once all of them were lit up, I brought the match up blowing it out and just then, I heard the door being unlocked and clicking open. I stood up quick, looking around on where to throw the match and settled for my back pocket. My eyes were glued to the entrance as his little feet stepped into the doorway, and I couldn’t tear them away at the look of astonishment in his face mixed with pure shock.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” I yelled throwing my hands up and waving them dramatically. “And Merry Christmas.”

He literally dropped his jaw and his keys came plummeting from his hand to the floor as he stared at everything in disbelief. He didn’t say a word and it was starting to make me feel a little concerned? Did he not like this? Did I overdo it? “Eren, you—” he stopped, sucking his lips in and glancing at everything around the living room once more. “You did all this for _me_?” The way that his voice slightly curved upward at the last part as he pointed a finger at himself, showed me just how much this threw him off.

I smiled and shrugged my shoulders, “Well yeah. It’s your special day isn’t it? It’s about time someone celebrated it with you.” Because it’s been too long since someone truly has. At the realization of my words, the shock melted off his face creating something warm and soothing as he shrugged his coat off his shoulders, shaking off his shoes as well and stepping inside.  He was walking straight over to me quickly, eyes focused only on me.

“What do you think? Do you like i—” I never got to finish because with an urgency, his arms wrapped around my neck and he pulled me down to his level, lips working wonders against mine. I smiled against his lips and pulled his small frame closer to me as I held him by the back of his arms savoring the moment. He pulled back, kissing me with a few pecks in between not able to really part from my lips.

“I love it,” he said against me, allowing me to feel the full blown smile against my lips. True Levi had been acting strange these past couple of days, but seeing him glowing like this now made me instantly forgive him. This wasn’t the touch of a man who was cheating with another, this was the touch of a man who wanted more of me and only me.

He pulled out of our hug and leaned over slightly, looking over the cake. “Hanji would flip a shit if she saw that,” he said humorously looking at our loving picture. “She says she ships us you know,” he said turning back to me.

I lighted my eyebrow, “What the hell does that mean?” I asked.

“Who knows? I think she’s going through a pirate phase,” he finalized that thought and I came down kissing his cheek one last time before pulling apart.

“You have to make a wish you know,” I said thinking of all the candles on the cake.

Levi snickered, “What, you mean like little kids do?” He asked.

“Don’t be a sour puss, grown people have wishes too.” I joked as he stepped forward and bent his knees slightly. I watched as his eyes slowly rolled to the back of his head and he took in a large consumption of air, holding it for a brief moment. Then, with eyes still shut, he blew hard, blowing out every single candle and leaving after flames. He stood, straightening out his back while I clapped happily.

“I’m not five you know,” he reminded me teasingly. I swatted a hand at him.

“Whatever old man. Go on and sit down, I’m going to cut you a piece,” I said allowing him to separate from me and wander over to the couch while I bent down picking up the knife I placed on the table. I picked it up and was careful not to cut through either of our faces as I got him a corner slice. I was excited, and practically pranced over to the couch with him sitting down and crossing my legs leaning in close to him.

“Are you going to feed me?” He asked sounding amused as he brought up his legs too, crossing them. I nodded.

“Hell yeah.” I said bringing up a fork with a good chunk of cake on its end. Levi smirked and wiggled his eyebrows.

“Man, I could get used to this,” he said opening his mouth wide and placing his mouth over the fork, eyes open and focused directly into my eyes. He pulled away slowly, still watching me hungrily as he licked vigorously at the spoon, then he pulled back making a low moan in the back of his throat. “Tasty,” he said bringing a finger up to catch at the small remains of icing on his lower lip. I reached out and grasped his wrist gently, placing down the plate.

“I got it,” I said coming forward and angling my head. I snaked my tongue out, lapping at the icing and sucking tenderly at it savoring the flavor. I pulled away from him and we both sat there in momentary silence, just transmitting the lust we had for one another through our eyes. I don’t know if other couples did this but, I could practically smell his arousal flowing off and I know he could glimpse mine.

Suddenly he got up, a tiny grin on his face and he raced across the room and into his, not even cutting the light on to see. “Where are you going?” I asked confused by his sudden energy burst. Only moment later, Levi was scooting a rather large, rectangular box out across the carpet. It was wrapped beautifully, he must’ve had it professionally done and there was a massive yellow bow on top of it. He disappeared again and brought back a smaller wrapped red box with a green bow.

“Merry Christmas Eren,” he said happily glancing down at the items. I don’t know what happened to me, but just then I swear I turned into a freakin’ third grader as I raced across the room and almost slid across the carpet just to get down and feel all over the box. Levi just watched me laughing at how crazy I was.

“Oh my gosh!” I said excitedly trying to lift the bigger box, it was heavy as hell. “What is it? It’s so freakin heavy!” I wanted to tear it apart. “It’s not something you clean with is it? Levi, please tell me this isn’t something you clean with.” I asked, I had to know. I didn’t know if this was serious or a gag gift yet.

Levi shrugged adorably, “I mean I guess you _could_ clean with it if you wanted, it would make it more fun,” he was rubbing at his chin like a loser.

My eyelids dropped, “If this is like a high powered vacuum or something, I swear I’m leaving you,” I told him blandly.

He just winked, “Open it. Then you’ll see.”

I looked back at the box and began ripping it open immediately. He didn’t have to tell me twice. I was tearing it apart, faster than the cookie monster would destroy a cookie! I was so excited I could barely contain myself as I ripped away, throwing piece after piece of wrapping paper behind me. I was gentle on the bow though, it was too pretty to ruin. I swiped away at the tape and as my eyes caught wind of the label underneath I froze up, my movements considerably changing. Oh my God.

“Well?” Levi said leaning over my shoulder. “What is it?” I could almost hear the smile in his voice. Tears were already swelling in my eyes.

“You got me a brand new stereo set,” I said, warmly like even I couldn’t believe it. He got me the best brand too, the B & W brand, and they were huge, guaranteed to blow music throughout the entire house if you wanted to. I saw that he had peeled away the price tag sticker from the box, this alone had to have cost at least a few thousand dollars. I couldn’t believe this. I stood up and turned to him, heat beating erratically and eyes glossy. “You really got this for me?” I asked, still in shock. He would’ve had to save up so much money. So much that he could’ve spent on something else easily.

Levi simply held out the next present, smaller and motioned it towards me. I looked at it oddly before reaching out and opening that one slowly. It was a box. I flipped it open and inside were various different types of CD’s ranging from all of my favorite artists. All of these CD’s I no longer had, they were burned away in the fire along with my mother. “How did you..?” I asked looking up at him wide eyed.

“You were always complaining about how you didn’t have a stereo set at your dads. I know music is really important to you, I mean shit it’s what brought us together in the first place. So I went around a few shops and found literally every single CD you used to have at your old house. Your sister helped me find some of them. Do you have any idea how hard it was to find that signed copy of The Goddesses’ album?” He was speaking as if this wasn’t that big of a deal. Like he didn’t just give me everything I could’ve possibly wanted. Like he didn’t just claim hold of my heart.

I brought my hand out fast grabbing at his hand. “Eren?” He asked confused.

“Bedroom. _Now_.” I instructed pulling at his arm eager to show him my appreciation.

“But what about the cookies? You know I don’t like them cold,” he protested weakly.

“The cookies can wait.” And trust me when I say those cookies were way cold by the time we got back to them.

 

“Holy…” Levi began panting barely able to breathe. “Shit.” He finished. I don’t know what happened, but that didn’t go exactly the way I thought it would. We started out being in the bedroom, wrapped around in the sheets. Then somehow, we ended up on the floor wrestling, then we smoked a bit, before somehow we were back at it again in the living room, but that didn’t explain this. “Ugh, my ribs hurt,” he said attempting to sit up. I had him bent over on the kitchen counter while I was behind him, dick still inside his ass. This kitchen was a wreck but fuck it, that was the best sex I had ever had. “I don’t think I can walk,” Levi admitted heavily.

I was breathing hard too, worn out. “I got you,” I said pinching his butt and pulling out. Thank goodness I decided to wear a condom for once, lord knows I was too exhausted to clean up any cum mess I would’ve made in his ass. With my last bit of strength, I picked him up like a doll and laid him on the counter before ditching the condom and climbing up there with him.

“We are,” he stopped to take in some more breaths and shifted to curl into me on this cold counter. “Really going to have to disinfect this counter tomorrow.” He finished snuggling his head in my chest. I snorted lightly and smacked his butt playfully liking the skin contact noise it made.

“Be quiet about cleaning for once you nut job,” I said placing my nose in his hair. He smelled wonderful. Just like strawberries. He laughed against me and I enjoyed every moment of feeling the life of this man against me, so warm and alive. I held him tighter.

“This was without a doubt the best birthday I’ve ever had.” He said, suddenly turning serious. I felt the movement change in him and I eased my grip allowing him to pull his head from my chest and look up at me. “This is the best gift anyone has ever given me. Thank you so much Eren. You have no idea how much this means to me. I’ll always cherish this moment. And I promise, for as long as we’re together, I’ll always cherish you as well.”

I felt touched, appreciated, and so loved. Though he didn’t exactly say it, I had a feeling. A strong feeling. Now was the time for phase two. I sat up, putting all my weight on one elbow as both my hands worked their way around my neck fumbling with the back of my necklace. “I have another gift for you,” I told him. He sat up as well, head resting in his palm as his elbow kept him level with me.

“Oh yeah? What’s that?” He asked smiling lightly. I unhooked the necklace and brought it down, holding it carefully in my hands. He watched it vigilantly.

“This necklace once belonged to my mother, and her mother, and even her mother before her. It’s been passed down throughout the generations, and it has this cool story behind it.” I paused smiling down into the key before looking upward at him, finding exactly what I was looking for in those eyes, love. “When you have found someone that you are truly in love with, you give it to them because you are letting that person know that what they hold is your heart.” My blood was heating, but in a good way. It was finally time. I smiled and brought the key forward, holding it over Levi’s head lowering it gently. “Levi, you have stood by my side and been the supportive figure I’ve needed in my life. You know me, you saw every piece of me that was broken and instead of walking away, you took those pieces and kept them, you slowly mended them back together. When I’m with you, there is no fear or pressure just, a calm quietness that fills my heart. And this may sound stupid but, whenever something great happens I just can’t wait to see you, and tell you the news because I want to share it with you. I want you to have everything of me and to know everything about me. The little things you do, calling me a little shit, kissing my cheeks, holding my hands, they might seem so small to you but to me they make me feel like my soul is on fire and my heart is about to erupt. I think of you in everything I do, even when I’m at school eating lunch or using the bathroom. When I fall asleep, I see you and when I wake up I smile knowing that you’re next to me. I find peace in having you nearby.” I stopped and lowering the necklace hooking it from behind and smiled gently at how it looked on him. “Levi I don’t know when it happened, maybe it was the first time I saw you but I have fallen so far in love with you and I can’t stop it. My life couldn’t be the same without you, it would be completely different and not as exciting or worthwhile. You say ‘as long as we are together’ but for me, I hope that will be forever because I love you Levi. I truly and wholeheartedly love you and even though you don’t feel the same, I always will. You are the only one for me and always will be.”

I touched at the key resting near his collar bone and released it, fully trusting it to him. Take care of it, I thought, you have all of my heart Levi. You have all of me.

He lowered his head; mouth slightly opened and touched the necklace as well, holding it for dear life. I knew he didn’t feel the same way back, and for me that was okay. In time, maybe that would change. There was not a sound being made except our breathing, and all I could do was slightly smile upon the man that I loved so much. Then, his head lifted and those grey eyes struck me. “What makes you think I don’t love you back?” He asked, voice quiet.

I was slightly taken back as I thought it was obvious. “You’ve never told me you have.” And trust me if you did, I would’ve remembered.

“Je t’aime,” Levi said softly, still gazing at me.

“Huh?” I asked hearing his French again. Levi sighed and rolled his eyes.

“You never googled it did you?” He accused, getting slightly upset.

“Umm no…” I confessed feeling like a bad boyfriend. I did say I would Google it but I had forgotten. I figured it just meant something like ‘you little shit’ or ‘idiot’ but now I was thinking— “It means ‘I love you’.” I said feeling it snap into my brain. Oh. My. Fucking. God. I nearly exploded on him, “The first time you told me you loved me and you said it in French!?!?” I hollered feeling so stupid. All this time, I thought my feelings were one sided but they weren’t he loved me too. He felt the same way as me.

Levi got snippy back, “I thought you understood me! Plus it seemed more romantic!” He hollered back.

“How was I supposed to know what that meant? I don’t speak French!” I fought back.

Levi straight faced me, “It’s only first grade French Eren, everyone knows how to say ‘I love you’ in French. I assumed you knew!”

And so here we were, yelling at each other only moment after declaring our feelings for each other, just budding heads. It was comical really, and it wasn’t long before I started laughing and even he had to join me. We were both such an odd couple, really. Addicted to drugs, and getting each other’s feelings mixed up constantly.

“Forever,” I said smiling and looking deeply into the grey eyes that I had fallen for the moment I saw them. “We’ll be together forever.” I expressed moving in close to his face.

“Forever,” Levi agreed meeting me halfway, parting his lips slightly for the kiss I so desperately wanted. His lips moved alongside mine, both of us being gentle and taking our time with one another. His hand moved its way up into my hair, gripping it and holding me there tighter as our kiss deepened allowing tongue to be involved. And just like every kiss he gave me, it made me come undone.

“I love you,” I told him once more. And I’d tell him again and again until I couldn’t anymore just so he would always know.

He smiled against my lips, “I love you too,” and for the first time, I heard those words leave his mouth in English as it ignited my soul on fire and spread like wildfire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i appreciate you reading guys, this is probably the happiest point in the story honestly so i hope you enjoyed it. Hope everyone is having a bomb ass summer! love you all and i'll catch you next Tuesday!


	21. Premonition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi had a dream, but will it come true?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys, i know its Monday and this isnt my updating day but i have to work allll Tuesday so i figured id give it to you guys early. Next week, we'll be back on Tuesday updates though!  
> The song mentioned called Torture by Les Friction is the song that inspired me to write this entire story and i HIGHLY recommend listening to it, its beautiful and out of this world.

Do we have weed?

Check.

Do we have syringes?

Check.

What about alcohol?

I think.

Do we have lighters?

Absolutely mother fucking check, we do.

Now we just need to get this kitchen together. Chop chop chop chop chop chop….

“Babe, are you serious?” Eren asked coming from our room yawning like a lion, polluting the air with his morning breath. I paused, placing the large butcher knife in my hand down on the cutting board and looked back at my frazzled looking teenage boyfriend. His hair was an absolute mess and he could barely keep his ocean eyes open, as his eyelids fought to close again. “You’re being so loud. You woke me up,” he whined through yet another yawn.

I sighed and looked over to the clock, pointing with the knife. “It’s two o clock in the afternoon Eren, you should’ve been up hours ago.” All he did was grumble to my retort and I turned going back to chopping up some vegetables. It wasn’t long though until I felt the warmth of his hands spread above mine, stopping me from doing any cooking motions. Eren was warm, he was always so warm.

“Levi, its two in the morning, and you’re naked chopping tomatoes and celery. What exactly is your purpose?” He asked, pushing his chest closer against my back to examine just what the hell I was doing. It was as big of a mystery to me that it was to him.

I sighed, dropping the knife once again and resting my back against his chest. “I don’t even fucking know. I woke up like an hour ago and threw up my guts in the toilet. The smell of vomit woke me up completely and now here I am chopping random shit with my dick hanging out, because I can’t sleep.” Tonight we were having a massive get together here at my place. It was the night before New Year’s Eve and I’d be damned if we didn’t all get shit faced until we dropped tonight. Eren hummed and I felt the tremble through his chest.

“Maybe I can help you get some sleep,” he suggested burying his head into my neck and nibbling with my neck. It tickled, sending shivers up my spine as each kiss was filled with the tenderness of love and compassion. His hands began to lock around my waist while one hand was on a mission to reach my anaconda.

“No, I’m too tired,” I grumbled sharply as just the tips of his fingers grazed over my cock. It was still sensitive. Don’t get me wrong, I fucking love sex but this little sex pistol was wearing me out. Ever since we had said our mutual three words Eren could not stop touching me. He wanted to probe my butt any chance he got, if I was a woman I would be pregnant with twins by now. “We need to get ready for the party.” I fought back weakly as his fingers continued to fondle me.

“The party isn’t till tonight,” he whispered directly into my ear, breath tickling the small hairs on my ear and igniting a heat inside my chest. He crooked his head slightly, and with just the very tip of his tongue delivered one long, wet lick from the base of my neck to the bottom of my jaw. I couldn’t stop myself, the moan that escaped my lips was audible and hot. It got worse when he blew lightly on the saliva trail he had just left causing me to jolt, knees weakening. “Just let me take care of you,” he cooed into my ear, even nibbling slightly on the lobe deliciously. Oh fuck me, I can’t resist this boy.

I turn in his hold and like always, I step up on my tippy toes wrapping my arms around his neck while Eren smirks knowing he’s won, and meets my lips. The kiss was light, a ghost of a feeling at first but when I pull him closer it’s on. Our kiss isn’t in control, it’s not paced, it’s not organized, they never are. Instead we feast upon one another, kissing each other as if we never know if the other will be there tomorrow savoring every flick of the tongue, whimpering into each other’s mouths shamelessly. It isn’t long until I feel his hand cast lower, palming below an ass cheek and I know what he wants to do. I brace myself, giving a little jump boost as he does the rest picking me up as I wrap my legs around his waist never breaking this feverish kiss.

The kissing was loud, messy, my favorite kind as we continued our heated frenzy. I was already moving my hips, trying desperately to straddle him though I was in the air, and succeeded. His moans were getting throaty, desperate as he fought to keep dominance in this tango by grabbing at both my hips and rutting upward, friction from his boxers rubbing against my bare ass.

“Not gonna…make it to the bed,” Eren moaned out, as I stole his lips every chance I could not giving him any room to talk.

“The floors fine,” I said hastily just as he fell backwards onto the carpeted floor. I could barely brace myself because the second we landed he was pulling me down for another passionate kiss. His lips began trailing off ward from my moistened mouth down to my jaw, then to my neck where he began sucking sweetly earning a shiver from me. His teeth were grazing gently, picking at one spot and I nearly lost my mind allowing a whine to escape my mouth. He was painting my neck with love bites, and all I could do was close my eyes and enjoy the bliss that was Eren. His mouth was magic, he was making my body burn and I had to admit that it was nice finally being the one on the complete receiving end. Eren pulled his work during sex but this time, I would give him all the control. This time I would let him spoil me.

And so, I wasn’t the aggressor this time ripping off his boxers. I wasn’t the one who got up to get the lube. I wasn’t the one who suggested anything. I just sat there. But something was off this time. Even as I watched Eren roll the lube down his penis with precision, I couldn’t shake the bad taste that was forming in my mouth. Even though it was Eren inside of me, Eren’s name I was screaming, whose back I was scratching, whose dick I was caving my walls around, all I could think of was Erwin.

Was this truly wrong? Should Eren ever be here with me right now? Damn him for putting these thoughts into my head. It only made me want to fucking attack him. If all that was the case though then I didn’t understand it. How could something so wrong feel so right? If this relationship was not meant to be then what force caused us to meet each other again? If anything, this relationship seemed as though the universe wanted it to happen. The chances of us running into each other again after that concert were slim to none but it happened anyway. Because we’re meant to be together.

“Levi are you alright?” Eren breathed out from over me. I blinked a few times, centering my mind once more.

“Yeah, I’m cool,” but that was a lie. _Something_ was wrong and even as my body finally began to quake and become undone from an orgasm, I knew I wasn’t at ease. “Eren,” I asked bringing my hands up and touching his face gently, hovering it just above mine. “Do you trust me?”

He looked more than just confused but completely bewildered at my sudden question. “What are you—”

“Just answer,” I cut him off, angling his face more so I could see everything in his face. If he lied, I would be able to see it all over his expression.

His features softened and a lazy smile appeared as he lowered himself and kissed the tip of my nose, “Of course I do. I love you silly.”

My face remained neutral. “You know that I love you right? You know that I would never hurt you intentionally? Never ever,” now the question was, was I talking to him or myself? Erwin’s words plagued my mind, he insisted that I would hurt Eren but that’s the last thing of Earth I want to do. This boy was my life, and I couldn’t lose him too like I lost the others.

He was looking at me strangely, “Yeah I know all of that. Levi are you sure you’re feeling okay? Are you still high from last night?”

No, but I wish to God I was. Then none of these dark thoughts would be able to crack the surface of my brain. 

“I’m fine,” I lied smiling up at him. I didn’t tell him the truth, the whole reason I had wandered aimlessly into the kitchen to cut up food, the reason I threw up everything in me. Last night, I had a horrible dream, a nightmare and in it, Erwin was right.

I let Eren die.

 

 

 

Eren POV

“You guys are crazy,” I laughed into the phone caught between my shoulder and ear, fumbling through a wad of cash Levi had given me earlier for the cashier. “You do realize that it’s like negative sixty degrees outside right?” Obviously I was boasting up that number but still, she got my point. Armin laughed into the phone.

“Shut up Eren, it’s going to be a lot of fun you know. I still think you should come out and celebrate.” The man on register counted my cash and I could tell he was prepared to ID me but ignored it when he saw how deep I was in my conversation. Good, that would suck if he made me put all this alcohol back down.

It was New Years Eve, and tonight Armin and the gang were taking the train out to New York City so that they could watch the ball drop. The idea did sound tempting, and I kind of did want to go but then again, being with Levi sounded even better.

“I appreciate the invite but I’m gonna pass,” I said as politely as possible, taking my change and picking up my crate of booze.

“Let me guess,” Armin began, “You and Levi are planning on having crazy butt sex tonight as soon as the ball drops and are planning on being each other’s ‘first’ of the New Year.” Sarcasm was all over his tone but I ignored it. He just didn’t know how wrong he was.

“Yeah, something like that.” I agreed with him thinking of the real scandal that was going on tonight. He couldn’t have been more wrong. Actually, I was going to get hammered and shoot so much dope up into my veins, and snort so much cocaine that I would be high for days. Much much better than standing in the cold waiting for a silver ball to drop.

Armin didn’t even bother to further question me, “Well alright, we’re not leaving for another hour or so, if you change your mind you can still come with us.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” I exchanged back with him before we both said our goodbyes and I heard him hang up. I began fumbling with my phone, all while carrying this big crate, all while walking on the slippery sidewalk. Why did I suggest walking to the store instead of driving? Clearly all these drugs were starting to get to my head because—

“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry!” The voice of a woman rang out as somehow she had bumped into me, causing my booze to shake in my arms. It’s sad to say that I was more concerned about the safety of my liver killing liquid than her. “I wasn’t paying attention and—wait a second. Don’t I know you from somewhere?” She asked leaning forward and pointing a slender gloved finger in my face. Hmm, where had I met a woman with auburn hair, and bright hazel eyes…

“Petra!” It was Levi’s coworker, the woman I had met months ago that gave me such a hard time. Hearing me say her name must’ve ignited something inside her head because she remembered me instantly, her eye lighting up.

“Eren! Oh my goodness, how have you been?” It’s not like we were all that close but she still came in for a hug anyway, although it was awkward because of the crate of liquor in my hands. When she pulled part, she did it quite slow taking time to really process my face for her own eyes.

“Are things okay?” She asked suddenly, voice going soft. I was a bit taken back by her question and looked at her perplexed.

“I feel fine?” What did she really expect me to say? That actually at this moment I was craving nothing more than a sniff of the purest cocaine that would delivered to us by Hanji and Moblit tonight? No, I couldn’t really say that could I?

She scanned over me, stepping backward and placing her chin in her glove. “You look…skinnier. And paler. Has your skin always been this flushed? I could’ve sworn you had more of a tan to your skin some months ago.” The drugs. Guess that meant they were finally starting to take affect into the way I looked. Still, she was the first person to call me out on my recent weight loss and skin discoloration.

I had to think of something fast. “Oh, that’s just because I have that thing…” she was nodding her head along trying to follow my on the spot lie.

“That thing..?” She pressed, face scrunching up.

Then it hit me, like a cold slap to the face. “Yeah! That skin disease that Michael Jackson had,” Shit, now I wished I knew the name of it to really make this come together.

Petra rose an eyebrow and frowned her upper lip, “Vitiligo?” She questioned.

I snapped my fingers and pointed directly at her so sharply she bounced back, “Yes! That’s it! I was just diagnosed so I sort of forgot how to pronounce it.”

She gave me the most skeptical face I had only ever seen my mother give me when she knew damn well I was lying. “Points for creativity but I’m not buying it.” She said shuffling her purse up her arm to have it on her shoulder. She didn’t necessarily ask and I didn’t invite her, but somehow she ended up tagging along in the walk back home with me. The streets were peaceful, with the occasional hooting you could hear as we passed bars that were starting the drinking early. Couldn’t really blame people for wanting to get hammered this early in the day. Everyone knew that New Years Eve was practically St.Patricks Day number two.

“So,” Petra began, treading her feet lightly through the arctic snow, “How has Levi been?” I glanced at her quickly before guiding my eyes back on the path we were taking. It was holiday break so of course she hadn’t seen him yet, and I didn’t think they were close enough of employees to call and catch up with one another.

“He’s fine, he’s been pretty exhausted these past few days,” I couldn’t help but smile to myself because that was totally my fault. I swear sex and drugs is one of the best things anyone could do and I highly recommend it.

She looked at my sharply, “Is he alright?”

That specific urgency in her voice made me turn and look at her. She really did have gorgeous eyes, and right now they were flooded with worry. “Yeah, he’s cool.” I said smoothly and watching as the relief splashed over her face as she exhaled a controlled breath.

 “That’s good, that’s good.” She said nodding her head over and over, as if she were thinking of something else entirely to herself. What was she thinking? I mean not that I had anything against her but, this was kind of strange for Petra to be following me around and asking questions about Levi. And that look on her face when she found out he was alright…

“Hey Petra,” I called to her, grasping her attention. “You don’t…I mean do you…?” I knew what I was trying to ask but forming the words to get it across was difficult.

“Yes,” she answered effortlessly and calmly.

“I didn’t even ask the question yet,” I said half way joking with her but she was dead serious.

“You’re about to ask me if I have feelings for Levi right?” I guess she did know what was on my mind.

“Um. Yeah.” I confessed faintly.

“Well then I’m guilty. I would go so far as to say that I’m in love with him.”

Has this woman lost her mind? To be saying these things to a friend of hers was one thing but did she not realize that she was talking to the current boyfriend of the man she claimed to be in love with?

“You do realize that he and I are together right?” I didn’t mean to come off like such a bitch about it, but then again maybe I did. Petra just remained level headed though, making me feel somewhat like a fool for being the only one flipping out.

“Trust me, I know. It took me a while to figure it out because, well you being so young but I got it.” She finished her sentence and I wondered what tipped her off to it.

“I never would’ve guessed he was gay. I mean, yeah I never heard him talking about a woman in his life or even mentioning in the least getting married or something but him being gay never crossed my mind,” she was rambling, all while watching her feet as they lifted and stepped repeatedly in motions through the snow. Her eyes seemed to be miles away, while her body was still stuck here in the now. “I must’ve been so annoying to him. I was always asking him out to lunch or purposely breaking things so he could come fix them for me just so he could be close. Sorry Eren, I probably sound really weird right now,” she said looking over to me smiling brightly, covering her embarrassment. I just shook my head.

“Well, just a little.” I was wondering what the purpose of this was. And I think she saw that in my face.

“Look I’m not trying to come off as this crazy, psycho chick or anything but well…uhh..Shit.  What I’m trying to say here is that I’m happy for you guys Eren.” She had stopped walking and had turned her body to face me completely and was speaking with her hands. “I’ve spent a few years of my life having feelings for Levi and I always wondered why he would never show the same interest back. I guess I had this thought that it was fine and maybe someday he would finally accept my feelings back and that it would just take some time but, now I know the truth. And as weird as this may sound, had you not come and physically walked into that room that day, I would’ve kept that false hope and probably never looked at another guy that crossed my path. So in a way, I owe you some thanks.”

There she was smiling warmly at me all over again. What the hell was I supposed to say to that? She basically just admitted that she was in love with Levi for years. “You’re not…mad at me?” I know if I was standing in her place as the person who lost the game of love I would be one salty bitch. It amazed me that she had the courage to even stand here in front of me and smile. She was admirable, a true role model to look up to because I would never be able to be as strong as her.  

She opened her eyes from her smile and laughed, waving a hand at me. “Of course not! Well at first, yes I was very bitter about it but hey, times goes on. What good would me resenting you both for being in love bring? None. It hurt me deeply in the beginning but I’m past it now. I’m actually seeing someone else. And boy was he happy about it, the guy used to pester me every day about going on a date. He even impersonated Levi just to grasp my attention,” A slight blush came up on her face and I felt the corners of my lips tug. We both started walking again as she continued her cute stories about the two of them.

“You know, I kind of admire you Petra,” I said suddenly cutting her off from her story telling about her new boyfriend named Oluo.

She looked at me like I was crazy, “What for?”

“Well,” I began shrugging my shoulders. “I kind of stole the guy you were in love with. You wanted him and even though you don’t have him you can still walk around with me and laugh. I should be the enemy. I cheated you out of happiness.” We were both silent for a moment before Petra burst into a small onslaught of giggles, even going so far as to cover her mouth with her gloved hand. “What?” I asked staring at her giddy form.

“Who said I wasn’t happy?” She said throwing me for a loop. “That’s just life Eren. You live it, sometimes bad things happen, you hurt for a while, and you move on. It’s just plain as that.”

I couldn’t believe her. How could she be so simplistic about things like that? She was making life sound like it was a simple step by step guidebook.

I turned away, not able to face her and her cheeriness as I could feel my mood darkening. “Yeah well, not everyone is as forgiving as you.” I would _never_ forgive the person who killed my mother. That wasn’t just something ‘bad’ happening in the world. That was my life. And because I couldn’t let go of that, I had implanted an uncountable amount of holes into my arms feeding my body poison just to cope. I didn’t have the luxury of just laughing it off like her and planting a smile on my face. I have drugs. Maybe in her reality, it was easy to move on and continue with life but not for me. It never would be.

She looked down at her watch, pulling up her coat sleeve. “Oh, it’s going to be getting dark soon! Do you need a ride?” She asked me kindly. I shook my head, denying her offer. She smiled. “Well in case I don’t see you for another long while, Happy New Year Eren! I wish you nothing but the best in the new year!”

I watched as she pranced her way across the street heading off in a totally different direction and secretly, inside my head I hoped I wouldn’t have to run into her again.

 

“Well it’s about time you got here,” That was the greeting I got from Moblit as I walked through the door to my own apartment. Apparently, Hanji and Moblit had already beaten me there and from the smell in the air I could see the fun had already started without me.

Levi, upon seeing me got up off the couch removing a joint with his index and thumb and turned his head to blow circle clouds away. “What took you so long babe?” He asked coming close as I placed the crate down and stripped my coat, gloves, and hat.

“Aww listen to that they have nicknames!” Hanji squealed on the couch clapping her hands like a little girl. Well, she was high already.

“Sorry I was caught up with something,” I said quickly, sidestepping past Levi and heading straight towards out room. I didn’t want to be around all this right now, I wasn’t exactly in the mood.

As soon as I made it to the room, I cut on the ceiling lights and tossed my coat on the bed allowing a rather unattractive grunt to leave my lips.

“Well, that’s a bit aggressive don’t you think? Coats have feelings too,” Levi joked with me as he followed me into the room.

“Yeah sure,” I said going straight for the drawer inside the dresser and fumbling around. It had to be in here somewhere.

“What’s the matter with you?” Levi said coming next to me on my right and gently placing a hand on my back.

“Nothing,” I replied back sharp and quick. Levi, being himself wouldn’t let it drop that easy though.

“Bullshit,” he said flatly bringing the stick back up to his lips and taking a small puff. “You practically rushed your way in here and I’d say based off those massive lines you have growing on your forehead, something’s wrong.”

I stopped shuffling through the items and rested both hands atop the drawer and lowered my head, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath. I needed to try and center myself and when I felt I had done that, I turned to Levi slowly.

“Aren’t you high right now?” I asked using my hand and directing at the weed in his possession.

“In case you haven’t noticed yet, I’ll sober up really quick when it comes to you.” He lowered his hands, and brought them down resting them on both hips and continued probing me with those grey eyes. “C’mon, tell me what’s on your mind.”

I set my mouth into a straight line, preparing myself to speak before allowing my eyes to roll to the back of my head and my hands to come up and run all along my face and comb straight through my hair. “I ran into Petra today and we got to talking. It was a little weird at first, and she made me pretty uncomfortable.”

Levi shot me a quick look of disbelief, “How in the world could Petra make you uncomfortable?” My eyelids lowered considerably and I felt my lips turn into a childish pout.

“She told me that she’s in love with you.”

That shut him up fast. “Oh.”

“Yeah.” I finished harshly. I looked downward at my right arm, extending it out and bringing up the fingers from my left hand guiding them along where my main vein was located. Where there were so many bruises and discoloration from needles. “Petra said that sometimes, bad things happen and then we’re supposed to move on but…” my voice wasn’t being supportive like I wanted it to. Should I be doing this with you? Should I be doing these drugs here with you like this and destroying my life or should I be moving on? Do I even have what it takes to just walk away and forget it all?

I can’t, I’m too deep in this. I can’t just walk away from this lifestyle, that’s not a choice anymore. I can’t stand the thought of getting up and leaving Levi but also, I can’t even imagine just stopping the drugs. It’s like my brain won’t let me, if I stay away too long my body aches and thrives for it. I _need_ it. They helped me forget all the shit I wished I could have picked out of my head. They allowed me to lose myself, only for what felt like a fleeting moment but the single moment was filled with indescribable happiness. No…checking out of this was out of the question. Petra is _wrong_. Some things you just can’t shake off.

“Hey!” Levi said snapping his fingers up in my face standing close. “Wake up brat! What were you about to—” in an instant, I moved forward and I didn’t think, I just allowed my body to act. I crashed my lips onto his and ignored the light yelp of surprise Levi let out and instead took that opportunity to enter his mouth. My arms wrapped around his tiny frame where I held him against me tightly, never wanting to let him go. His arms moved uncomfortably atop mine at first, until eventually he fell into my touch and kissed me back just as passionately and ferociously grasping onto my arms firmly.

“Let’s get fucked up tonight,” I breathe only centimeters away from his lips. “I don’t want to remember a thing. Let’s just…lose our minds tonight.” I must sound crazy, irrational but then again, that’s what I am. I’m an addict that wants nothing more than to escape reality and tonight if the perfect night to do so. Talking with Petra made me remember why I started doing this to begin with, and I didn’t want that.

Levi used some strength and separated his body from mine just enough to look up into my eyes, scanning them questionably. “Are you sure?” He asked. Of course he cared and would want to talk about what was bugging me. He could give a damn that there were guests in the living room getting high, he would kick them out for me. But I didn’t want that. I just wanted to let it go tonight.

“Yes,” I said sounding as though I had run out of breath. And after that, no more questions were asked. He didn’t pry anymore because just then Hanji slugged herself onto the doorframe, practically clawing at it to keep her balance.

“Oh my God…you guys have to try…try this stuff…” her words were sluggish matching her body and I watched as her glasses fell right off her face and bounced down on the carpet.

“Ease up there shitty glasses, I don’t need a dead body in my apartment,” Levi said making a move to separate from me but not before giving me one last reassuring look and handing me the last bit of the blunt he was working on. I sighed and followed them out there in the living room smoking heavily. Things looked horrible, like something out of a horror movie as Moblit was lying face first on the carpet with twitching legs, and the TV was left on one of those all fuzzy channels. Shit.

“Hanji brought over some new stuff, kettlemean or something.” Levi instructed dropping her on the couch.

“Keta…mine,” She corrected as a shiver convulsed through her body. Looking at the table it was clear that they had both snorted cocaine or heroin. Whatever it was, it was white. I puffed down the last bit of the fumes that I could and came over to the table seeing my syringe on the table and sitting down. Levi joined me.

Some people would think it was gross but we shared a needle. We both knew we were clean and if we can exchange bodily fluids so easily then what made blood any worse? I sat there as he wired up by arm first, tying a band tight trying to activate my worn out vein. Then it was my turn to do him, as I held the band there with my teeth. I shot him up first. I trusted Levi to keep his head calm for a longer period of time than me after taking a hit. Then he did me, poking straight into my vein fluidly and releasing the new drug of choice tonight.

It didn’t take long. Before long we were both lying flat on our backs, vision blurring, mind wandering, body numbing, and yet I could still tell his hand was inside mine. I could be high out of this world but I would always be able to detect if Levi was still there next to me. Just the way it should be. He and I. Together in this fucked up way. I felt a sliver of a tear trail down my face and I turned my head over to glance at his form with closed eyes. I love him…I love him so much…

Two Hours later

“Yeah Eren!” Everyone shouted as I just downed a solid three lines of cocaine all over again. I can vaguely remember Levi kissing me and Moblit patting my back before passing out once again in a trembling haze. The last thing I hear is muffled laughter from all of them around me before its dark again.

One hour later

I don’t know how long I’ve been in this same spot on my floor, but I can’t feel my body. All I can feel is a tingle through my body and a cold feeling deep in my chest as I stare blankly up at the ceiling. My eyes are dry, peeled wide open and I feel like I can’t close them, I don’t have control over those muscles so I just stare. Too much cocaine…

Three hours later

“Oh my god I think I’m gonna throw up!” Hanji claims lethargically as she gulps down some vodka I bought, body hanging off the couch oddly.

“Go do it in the…in the sink!” I yell at her and can feel my body falling over straight into Levi’s lap.

“Too late I swallowed it,” she replied, head dangling. Then with a groan, she looked up. “Do you guys have a song?”

“What the fuck?” Levi asked, head wobbling.

“You know, like, a song? A couple’s song?” She stopped to hiccup then take another swig before stretching her arm out and handing it to a worn out looking Moblit.

“That’s lame,” I said feeling extremely hot out of nowhere.

“Shut up,” Moblit said bringing up a hand but dropping it so fast, he was toasted. Who am I kidding we all are.

“You tell em’ babe,” Hanji laughed a bit.

“It’s called Torture,” Levi said flatly.

“What is?” I asked looking up at him. He just flicked my nose with the tip of his finger.

“That’s the song. Our song. For us. By Les Friction.”

Hanji made a low grumbling noise indicating she didn’t like it, “Isn’t that kind of fucked up? It sounds like it.”

“All of this is fucked up.” Levi responded preparing to light a cigarette. That’s the last thing I remember before passing out on him.

Two hours later

This place is a mess, my stomach is fucked up, and everyone is knocked the fuck out. The sun is almost up. No, I need more. There’s barely anything left on the table, only small grains of white powder. Shit! I need more! I’m tripping over my own feet, running my hands through everyone’s pockets raiding them for some supply. Jackpot. Hanji has a tiny white bag with her. I can sniff this! I hurriedly line it up, what the hell why not five lines this time. Step my game up. I snort, using my nose like a vacuum not leaving a single grain behind in my path.  I snort my final line, feeling the tightness of my body, the weight on my chest, my hairs feels like they’re going to pop out of my body, my insides are on fire. Oh my God, what’s happening? My muscles are flaring, cramping and locking in place, and I can’t even open my mouth to scream. I can’t stop shivering. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. I lose control, my body collapses and I can’t even feel the impact of colliding with the floor, I’m in so much pain. I can’t…I can’t…Levi…

Levi POV

Damn. My head is fucking blaring.

Jesus Christ, what the fuck happened last night?

I sit up and see everyone still passed out in the same spots as hours ago with open beer bottles everywhere and little baggies scattered and discarded. I look over to my right specifically, and see Eren next to me still passed out, face turned away. I sigh, getting up with some strain in my muscles and go to the kitchen. My mouth is extremely fucking dry, so glass of water first. Not only that, but I’ve got an itching for something else. A cigarette.

I practically limp my tired ass all the way to the bedroom and grab a cig and my lighter, quick to bring it to my lips and light it. I take a long drag then come back into the room. Eren is so cute when he’s sleeping.

“Wake up shitheads, time to get up and get out,” Of course I’m taking to Hanji and Moblit. And of course, they start to groan and shuffle, lifting their bodies up from their broken looking positions.

“Holy fuck…”Moblit says, bags heavy under his eyes.

“Ugh, you could say that again…” Hanji said rubbing her eyes and coughing.

Now I just needed Eren to wake up.

“Hey! That means you too you little shit,” I yell. No response. I take another long puff and blow it out carrying my glass of water over to him when suddenly I get this cold feeling in my gut. _Something_ isn’t right. “Eren, get up!” Still nothing.

I side step, moving over just a mere three paces and that’s when I see. I see everything. I’m close enough, and the first thing I hear is the sound of my glass hitting the carpet underneath my feet and hearing the water splash. I can briefly register the cool liquid hitting the skin of my foot before it turns numb, along with the entirety of my body.

“Oh my God Eren!” I immediately drop to my knees skidding across the carpet no doubt having rug burn, to be by his side. There’s blood coming out of his mouth and chunks of vomit. His eyes are light, unnaturally light colored and bleak and as I touch him, his skin is ice cold. But that’s not the worst part.

He’s not breathing.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no this isn't the end, see you next week!


	22. Punishment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> one of my favorite chapters to write to date, i hope its appreciated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tracking fic under two tags, "fic: torture" and "torture ereri" feel free to post anything and ill see it, even if you just want to chat!

Everything is silent.

I can feel the thickening of my ear canals, as heat rises to the tips of my ears and blood drains all the way from my feet to each finger. There’s a ringing, something like a high pitched dead tone blaring in my ears and I can’t fucking stop it. I think I can hear the faint sounds of my name being called…its sounds like it, but I can’t pull my eyes away no matter how hard I scream at myself in my head to do it. There’s a dead body on the floor. My floor. _Eren_.

_Oh my God._

“I killed him,” I don’t even register the words that are coming out of my mouth but like a fucking broken record my brain keeps spitting out the same phrase over and over. “I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him!” Like a robot, I can’t feel the automatic movement of my hands as my fingers find their way through my hair and before I know it I’m tugging at my strands, staring at the dead body still saying the same thing over and over.

I killed him. He was the only thing I actually had left in this fucked up world and just like the others I—I fucked up. Erwin was right. _Erwin was right._ I can’t do this. Not another person whose blood is on my hands, I can’t deal with it! I’m worthless, I’m a piece of fucking shit and I deserve to die for this it should be _me_ on the floor chocking on my vomit not him! It should’ve been me who died in that crash, not them.

I can feel my heart rate quickening, my chest feels like it’s being crushed and I’m having shortness of breath and I know what it is. It’s happening again. I feel the ghost of a hand on my shoulder shaking me violently but it’s not stopping this panic attack from coming. I can feel myself being pushed out of the way, away from him and in my place Hanji goes touching over his body frantically. I can feel the heavy thuds of steps Moblit is taking as he rushes across the floor towards his phone screaming for help. Everything is moving in what feels like slow motion, my brain is suffocating, until I heard one line that’s enough to snap me out of my dreamlike state.

“He’s alive.”

Suddenly the pressure is gone, the dead tone in my ears ceases to exist and I swear to fucking God, I can feel the blood streaming back through my body again and my heart return to a normal beating rate. I’m up on my knees immediately scrambling over to Eren’s side bending over and angling my head so my ear is hovering right over his mouth. It’s strained, like the sound when someone tries to spray an almost empty spray can but it’s there. He’s breathing.

I released a large gust of air that I did not know I was holding and lowered my head, feeling the ease flow back into my muscles. Then a panic hit me again, “We have to stabilize him,” I said preparing to stand up but Hanji threw her arm out grabbing mine using full strength and throwing that woman act out the window. 

“Moblit already called 911,” she warned. I could’ve slapped the shit out of her.

“9-1-fucking-1, Hanji they can’t come here! If they see all of this shit in the apartment we’re all going to prison!” I didn’t understand why the fuck she would make that call without consulting me. Eren did need medical attention but this place was practically a fucking mountain of supply. If they found even one sniff of something we would all be fucked.

Hanji took hold of Eren, turning his body carefully so that he was lying not on his back but on his side and adjusted him, handing him over so that he could be in my lap. If he was on his back there was a chance he could choke on his throw up. He was still so cold. It took everything in me not to hold him tightly and pass any body heat I could generate to him.

She stood, slowly and quietly and I watched as she reached up and took hold of her glasses sliding them off her back and further back into her hair. “Let’s get this straight. _Nobody_ is going to prison okay? I am not letting that fucking happen. I can promise you that.” There was no jesting in her tone, there was no sign of the usual playful Hanji that I saw so often. She was fucking grave right now. She walked over to the table and began picking up the needles and collecting anything that might provide as evidence of what really went on here with Moblit helping her. At that moment, I don’t think I could’ve ever been so thankful to have someone like her around in my life. She was one of those rare people you could call a true friend.

By the time the ambulance showed up, Hanji and Moblit had left, clearing out everything that was toxic in the apartment. The paramedics laid Eren out on a stretcher and immediately I was behind him by his side as we sped down the freeway to the hospital. The entire way there, I held onto his hand tightly waiting but never feeling it get warm.

 

Three hours. It’s amazing how long such a minor portion of time through the day can seem when you’re experiencing something detrimental. Three hours, that for some people is the length of a movie, for some it’s how long they wait in line for a rollercoaster, but for me it’s pure hell. The only constant sound keeping my sanity is the heart monitoring that sends off a soft beep every second reminding me he’s still alive. I can’t hear him breathing, it’s not ragged like earlier but now delicate, as I watch his chest rise and fall time and time again.

It’s distressing seeing him like this. With tubes wired up inside of his nose and IV’s plunged deep into his already bruised skin in his arms, where all of his cocaine usually shoots up to. The cocaine that _I_ gave to him. The cocaine that _I_ allowed him to take every single day in plain sight, right next to me. Eren shouldn’t be here. He shouldn’t be sitting here on the verge of death not even able to breathe for himself, but having a fucking _machine_ do it for him. What have I done?

_This is maddening._

For three hours I’ve been sitting here clutching the hand of my non responsive boyfriend trying to feel something, anything besides skin. Does he know I’m here? Is he scared? I don’t know anything, all I can do is just watch him in this deathlike state and yell at myself for being so fucking careless for getting him here in the first place. I swear to God if Eren doesn’t recover from this I’ll—

“Oh Mr. Ackerman, you’re still here,” the doctor said coming into the room. She was a small stick of a woman, grey hair and intense staring into your soul blue eyes. To be honest, she made me feel pretty uncomfortable.

“And I don’t plan on leaving,” don’t even suggest me leaving this room bitch, it will _not_ happen. I won’t let go of this hand for shit, I don’t care about anything but him.

The doctor just stared at me, not saying a word and barely even batting an eye. “That’s fine, I just came in here to do a check up on the patient here and then pass along some info to you.”

“His name is Eren.” Don’t make him sound like some number to you, like he’s not important and is just another limp body hanging around this all white building. He’s so much more than that, he’s my world.

“Right, of course,” She agreed plainly taking a mask and putting it up over her lips while she did some work around Eren. She held a clipboard, each time after checking a different machine she would write down notes. The sound of her pen scribbling away was bugging me, it was ruining the only sound of Eren’s heart monitor that I had grown dependent on for ease of mind. Finally, she stopped then turned to me but not before glancing back over the clipboard. “Well, Mr. Ackerman, the results came back from Eren’s blood check and I’ve got to say, it’s a miracle this boy is still alive.” Her face told me that just by how astounded it looked reading over the stats. “MDMA levels are skyrocketing, and there’s also the flow of stimulant drugs in his system, cocaine is suspected. But that’s surprisingly not the worst here. Ketamine…where did he even acquire this exceedingly vigorous drug?”

_From me._

But that’s not what I say. She doesn’t need to know that. I think she can’t already tell from how much of shit I look like right now. Baggy clothing, pale flushed skin, prominent bags under my eyes, I _look_ like I just came down from a high not too long ago.

“I don’t know.” I lie. I wonder how many times our lifestyle has forced Eren to have to do this. “Look, I just need to know is he going to be alright. Is there any brain damage, any signs of organ failure, anything at all just let me know,” because I can’t take the growing suspense in my heart anymore. If you’re going to kill me with news then do it already. All the love in my heart will go with him anyway.

She seemed to drop the questioning, thank goodness. “He’ll live. As far as I can see Mr. Jaeger will be fine.”

I could feel my muscles easing back down at that. “And when is he waking up?”

“That I’m not too sure about.” _Excuse me?_

“What the _fuck_ do you mean you’re not sure? You’re a doctor aren’t you supposed to know these things?” I knew I was losing my temper, I knew I was raising my voice but suddenly everything was starting to feel like a sick joke. To tell me that Eren was fine and then less than a minute later tell me you have no idea when he’s coming to.

The doctor looked startled, “Calm down, Mr. Ackerman.”

“No, don’t tell me to calm down, basically you’re telling me my boyfriend is in a drug induced coma and you think I’m just supposed to be _fine_ with that? No. Fuck no. Figure out a way to wake him up,” I realized that I was clutching Eren’s hand in mine too roughly and loosened it a bit. Apologizing in my head I brought his hand to my lips and kisses where I had applied too much pressure. I didn’t want to hurt him.

The doctor just watched me do this, she knew I was having a meltdown. Hell, in this line of work she’s probably seen this a thousand times before, all the same. Always people yelling about how something unfair happened to their loved one or hollering at them to fix things. But doctors weren’t Gods. They were humans, and in the end, none of them could do a God damned thing to fix what I had broken.

“I’m not sure how long this will last.” She began cautiously. “It could be weeks, months. Years even, no amount of technology can tell. I truly am sorry for what you’re going through today Mr. Ackerman but I promise you, he will wake up. Just give it time.”

For the first time in probably fifteen years, I wanted to be a kid again. Then I could have an excuse to throw a tantrum. To kick, and scream, flip tables, and everyone would understand it because when a child is in pain everyone makes exceptions and allows them to finish lashing out. But when you’re an adult, everyone expects you to be quiet and accept. Accept what I did to Eren. Accept, that there was a possibility that I wouldn’t see my baby’s beautiful ocean blue eyes again for _years_. Being an adult is truly one of the most awful things in the world and all I can do is hang my head, and silently cry into Eren’s hand about it all.

 

“This isn’t real…” Eren’s mushroom friend had said, standing still like a zombie in the doorway. The doctor had just gotten done explaining the situation to them I supposed. That would explain the crying from his sister in the hallway. “He was fine hours ago, right before we left for New York we talked and…I can’t believe it.” He had been holding a bouquet of flowers, red carnations and yellow daffodils. The boy’s shoulders were shaking and it was his long faced boyfriend that consoled him.

“Hey, maybe you should sit down,” He suggested. As they walked across the room with Armin practically sobbing the entire way, I noticed horse face give me a certain _look_. What the fuck was that? I haven’t been looked at that icily in years, since I’ve seen my mother. And this kid of all people is the next person to give it to me. Odd.

“Oh my sweet boy…” the man known as Eren’s father cooed from the door, bottom lip trembling. Though he didn’t approve of his sons lifestyle, that didn’t mean he didn’t have the love of a father inside him. The agony building up inside him was heartbreaking and when his eyes met mine I looked away. “Hello Levi.” He called, surprisingly calmly. I only nodded without looking, I couldn’t look into this grieving father’s eyes. Not knowing that this was all my fault.

“Levi, were you with him when this happened? What did Eren do? I just don’t understand…drugs?” Mikasa was rambling and clearly unstable as her eyes seemed to be flickering everywhere and her hands were trembling. Grisha put his arms around her shoulders steadying her.

“One question at a time hun. I’m sure Levi is just as shaken up about this as we all are,” Grisha said willing her to hold his gaze. She did, and nodded taking in a deep breath.

“So,” the voice from beside Armin began. “Tell us, how _did_ this happen Levi? The doctor says it was a dangerous mix of chemicals inside his stomach that caused this,” I looked to him and once again received that piercing stare. This boy…he knew. How could I have forgotten that Eren told me he was the one that knew about us to begin with? In his eyes, I was the monster in the room sitting amongst innocent people. And he was right.

“You were the last one who saw him. How did all this happen?” Mikasa asked, desperate for answers. All the eyes in the room were centered on me. Fucking disgusting, worthless, me. And what was I supposed to say? That for months her brother and I had been getting high at any moment? That it was me who hooked him onto this lifestyle and that it was me who put him here in this bed? That it wasn’t just the drugs but me as well that was a toxin in his life? That’s what I should’ve said because anything else would’ve been a lie. I looked at each face, each face longing for answers and then averted my eyes back to the hand that I gripped on but made no effort to hold me back. I was alone now, Eren was not here.

“We were all partying.” I began, still keeping my eyes away from everyone. “We started drinking, we were at this club, I thought it would be a cool idea for me and Eren to do something adventurous on New Year’s you know? We were drinking…a lot…and from there I can remember dancing and lights and music and then…” what was I doing? This obviously wasn’t the story and yet I could not stop my brain from fabricating this tale. “This guy brought us over this syringe. We were both really drunk and…we both took it anyway not thinking right and before I knew it, Eren was tweaking out. Just…losing his mind and convulsing. I called 911 immediately and here we are.”

I waited. Someone had to call me out on that bullshit that I just spat out. Somebody had to know that what I had just said was a load of horse shit and that in actuality it was me who had done all this damage and not just some stupid man at a bar. _I_ had the gun, _I_ pulled the trigger, _I_ was killing Eren. But what I got was something completely different, enough to make my stomach retch.

“Thank you Levi. Thank you so much for looking after Eren,” Mikasa, and she was hugging me. Holding me like I was some sort of savior. No. That’s not true. Don’t praise me, I’m the fuck up here.  

“No problem,” I said instead.

“Eren gave that key to the right person,” Grisha commenting observing the shining brass key on my neck that I had yet to take off. A testament of our love. Our trust. “You wear it well.” He complimented giving a weak smile.

Please stop being nice to me, you’re making a mistake. “Thanks.”

“How long have you been sitting here watching over him?” Armin asked wiping away at old tears. They all were incredibly curious.

“Ever since the ambulance ride. I haven’t let go since.” Not even when they began stabilizing him. I was there the entire time keeping us connected.

“We would’ve been here sooner but the train was so packed. It got delayed.” Armin explained coming off as very empty. If only he knew I felt the exact same way, maybe worse.

 

And so we all sat, the room was back to being silent thank goodness. I don’t think anyone had it in them to say a word. On one side of the bed was me, holding onto Eren’s hand while on the other were all his friends watching him morosely as if they all thought this was their fault. Grisha had been sitting closer towards the door in a single chair with his arms crossed. It was him who broke the silence.

“Everyone, I know this may seem like a horrible time but I don’t know when I’ll have another opportunity to see you all again in the same room. I wish Annie was here to hear this but, I’m sorry for the way I acted during my dinner. None of you deserved to be bombarded with such idiotic hate and I feel awful about it. I just hope you can all forgive me.” He seemed genuine and it was clear that apology was coming from the heart but it wasn’t enough for me. That apology wasn’t for me to accept.

“Its fine Grisha,” Armin waved off.

“Okay,” Mikasa only said. Jean just nodded. When he looked over to me I only met him blankly.

“Don’t apologize to me, I wasn’t the one offended. Just apologize to Eren when he wakes up.” He would love to hear that, it certainly would make him feel better and would probably make it easier for him to stay at his dad’s.

“You really do love my son, don’t you?” The older man questioned with authentic inquisitiveness in his voice. I met his eyes boldly, not even daring to blink.

“More than words could ever convey. Yes.”

“Well then,” The old man began sitting back further in his seat. “Guess it’s a good thing you were there with him then. Who knows where he might be right now if it hadn’t been for you acting so swiftly.”

“Yeah,” I agreed weakly. “Who knows?” He would be perfectly fucking healthy and probably hanging out with his football friends, that’s where.

“I’m sorry to ruin the moment guys but I have to use the bathroom,” Jean said interrupting and suddenly standing up off the arm of the chair by mushroom head.

“This isn’t kindergarten, you don’t have to announce that,” I said meeting him with the exact cold glance he had been burning me with since the moment they walked into the room about an hour ago.

“Levi, do you think you could show me where the bathroom is?” What kind of idiotic question was that?

“Do you need me to hold your hand too? Follow the signs, you’ll find it.” Noticeably, a red flush began growing on his face and he cleared his throat.

“I’ll get lost if I go alone.” I thought for a second how it looked as though he was biting his own tongue trying not to add in the last part. “Please?”

If I got up to help this shit head, then I would have to let go of Eren’s hand. Damn it, where was a nurse with a bucket when you needed one?

“Go on ahead, we’ll watch Eren. Don’t worry, we’ll scream the second anything happens,” Grisha confirmed giving me an approving smile. He looked tired. Everyone did.

With noticeable protest, I got up and watched as my hand slowly parted ways from that of Eren’s. I couldn’t deny the pang in my heart that even though I was holding on with everything in me, his hand just, let me go.

I walked out first, with the horse head only a few paces behind me. As soon as I heard the door click closed behind him I knew it was a done deal, it was just me and him alone in this never ending long white corridor. How bleak. I picked up my speed, making sure I would stay ahead of him and kept my hands tucked away in my pockets trying to be as casual as possible.

“Hey Levi,” he called out, the footing in his step quickening.

“Only a few more steps,” I said ignoring whatever he was about to nag about.

“That’s nice but I don’t have to go to the bathroom—” he interjected once more. I only rolled my eyes and continued marching forward until a flat end that curved right.

I brought up a hand from my jacket pocket, pointing downward, “Just keep going that way and you’ll find the can. Goodbye,” my hand was back in the pocket and my body was in motion to pivot back around.

“Hey didn’t you hear me? I said I don’t have to go to the bathroom,” He called out, repeating himself.

“Then why the fuck did you call me out here?” I snapped shooting him a stinging glare from over my shoulder. His expression changes quickly, taking on offense.

“I think you know damn well why,” he accuses taking a glance around making sure none of the nurses are listening.

I only blink, “No idea,” I simply say turning my head back in the direction of our room location. I’ve spent too much time away from Eren already thanks to this idiot. I have to get back to him.

“Don’t walk away from me asshol—” the instant his hand grippingly touches my shoulder I twist my ankle, turning back to him and my hand reflexively reaches out and grips at his wrist tightly. I know it hurts; I’m using my thumb and adding pressure on the bone, the pain shows in his face too.

“First off, don’t you _ever_ fucking touch me unless I give you permission, which I never will. Second off, _stop_ wasting my time brat. The only person I’m giving my attention to is Eren, he’s the one who maters here today not you and your problems.” And with that being said I toss his own wrist back at him and watch for a second as he strokes it gently trying to soothe the pain.

“The problem here isn’t Eren,” he says, pain still evident in his voice as he rubs away at his wrist before looking up at me through his hair. “It’s _you._ ”

My head cocks back a bit at that, “Excuse me?” I say turning back to him fully, hands already balling into fists inside my pockets.

“You think I don’t know what going on here? You and Eren. Him suddenly having an overdose? Points for creativity on that bullshit club story by the way. I would’ve believed that too had I not already known the truth.”

I don’t say a fucking word. It’s not like I’m surprised, I figured he would bring me out here to do something like this. It’s annoying.

“What really happened tonight?” He asked me determined for an answer.

“I already told you,” I didn’t owe him anything.

“What is wrong with you and Eren? You’re both always lying!” He accused. And that’s when I fucking give it to him.

“Oh, _we_ are the only liars around here? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Does your precious boyfriend in there know all of the dirty shit you’ve been doing behind his back?” I start stepping forward lightly and he steps back.

“Armin has nothing to do with this,” he says sternly, I just make a ‘tch’ sound with my lips.

“No of course not, that Marco guy is the problem. You see, while you’re sitting here thinking you’ve got me hanging by my balls, I got some info on you too. Eren may have told you some things but he told me some juicy stuff too.” My lips are flapping away. “The locker room ‘accidental’ dick sucking, the naked pictures, sneaking out to be with him when you already have someone else you claim to love. You’re really fucking pathetic,” Some of those words might not have been necessary but they had to be said, I couldn’t have this kid on my case anymore. He needed to understand who was in charge here. I thought my words would cut him deep, shut him and scare him into never opening that mouth of his again, but I was wrong.

“And you thinking loving someone is getting them so drugged up that you almost kill them?” His words bit. No. They _stung_. It was as if my ears took the sound in and processed it into pain inside of my body. My nerves were on fire, my vision blurred for only a millisecond, and my head felt light.

“ _Shut up._ ” I warned slowly and cautiously. I didn’t need this right now. I just didn’t.

He sneered and continued on, “Slipping him pills, letting him skip school, helping him shoot cocaine into his veins…that was all you! It’s _your_ fault Eren is lying in a fucking coma right now with no real word of him waking up! Because of you and your dumb shit, you almost got him killed!”

“You think I don’t know that!?” I holler at him, we’re already drawing a hell of a lot of attention to us but we don’t stop.

He pressed forward, “Then tell them! At least have the common courtesy to tell his fucking family what really happened! I’ve kept my mouth shut long enough, you two have gotten completely out of control and what happened tonight was the last straw! If I had just said something earlier…then this wouldn’t be happening. None of it.”

I don’t have any idea why but reflexively, my hand shot straight upward towards the key. The necklace Eren had given me himself. If I was never in the picture, this really wouldn’t have happened. Eren would probably be happy, off living his life like a normal teenager. Not smoking weed. Not shooting cocaine. Not sniffing it. Nothing. His blood would be clean. Without me he would be pure…

“I’m not telling them.”

“Are you serious?” He sounded bewildered, like he truly didn’t think I was a human, but it was the contrary. I was human, and I was a selfish one at that. If I opened my mouth and confessed to my wrong doings, then they might make me leave. They could press charges. They could completely see to it that Eren and I never see each other again. Just the thought of being torn away from him was enough to cause a swell in my head and have my throat burn as I gulped down my own spit.

“You can’t say a word,” I state flatly, but with enough conviction that I can see it reaches him. His face scrunches up in confusion, like he was having some sort of inner conflict with himself over what to do.

He starts shaking his head and backs away from me, heading in the direction towards the room filled with the people I had indirectly lied to for so long. “I…I can’t. I turned a blind eye before but…he almost died…” I almost pity him, I can see that he’s shaken and what’s worse, is that I can see he feels like this is partially his fault too.

No. He can’t tell. They’ll separate us…

“Jean don’t!” I don’t call him brat, I don’t call him out on being a shit head, I don’t shoot him with any derogatory language because right now, I’m desperate. “If they find out—”

I stop, immediately because just then my mouth goes numb, the inside drying up instantaneously. My blood begins running cold and suddenly I can’t feel anything anymore, it’s like I’m standing in a dream. I wish to God that I was because standing right behind Jean, mouth hanging open with a furious small black haired girl and shock stricken blond haired boy is the man himself.  “Mr. Jaeger,” I don’t know where the innocent voice came from but sure enough, it escaped my lips. The look in his eyes was stone cold, dead, and his face spoke nothing and yet it said enough. “We were just heading to the bathroom—”

“Save it,” he said quite harshly. “We heard every word.” His voice didn’t sound venomous, it wasn’t raging with hatred like it should’ve. Instead it was passive, as if there was a calming inside of him before a massive crash happened and he exploded. Someone else beat him to it first.

“You fucking bastard!” Mikasa yelled charging for me and knocking over a tray set in the hall scattering metal tools and drawing attention. She threw her right arm back and preparing to hit me with a strong hook, grounding her foot.

“Mikasa stop!” Grisha yelled grabbing her and wrapping his arms around her backside. She fought back roughly, even kicking her legs in the air like an animal begging to be let loose off her leash. “He’s not worth it. He’s not worth it!” He shouted at her as he anger seemed to fade off into realization before more tears streamed down her face.

“He did this…” she cried to herself. “You did this to my only family you…you _monster_ ,” the way the words sounded like a curse as they left her mouth and shattered me. “I asked you to take care of him…” she lingered off with her thought crying more before falling completely onto the floor defeated.

“Mikasa,” the blonde haired boy said going down on his knees to be by her side. The shit head was on his way immediately to be by their side but the Armin put up a stopping hand and shot him with a look of pure disdain.

“Don’t you think you’ve done enough damage?” He stated coldly. From that look of distance in his eyes, it was obvious. He had heard everything.

“Armin. I—”

“ _Leave_ Jean. And this time, don’t come back.” I watched as the boy was destroyed and awaited my turn. I thought they would report me to the police, have me locked away for committing this crime. I thought that would be it, but what I got was much worse.

“Give back the necklace, then get the hell out,” Grisha growled at me in a calm yet fierce tone. His jaw was trembling, he was that close to snapping.

Once more like earlier, my hand went and grasped the item around my neck. I couldn’t give it back. I wouldn’t. “Grisha please. This is all I have of Eren. Don’t make me give that up. I’m begging you. I can’t just leave, I need to see him one more time. Just one more.”

“Do you have any idea the trouble you’ve caused?” His voice rose frightening the nurses who gawked at this scene.

“I understand that, and believe me you have no idea how sorry I am. I never meant for any of this to happen, it’s the last thing I wanted. I love Eren, your son, and I know all this fucked up shit is my fault but _please_ don’t take him away from me. He’s all I have.” For me there is no one else. And there never will be. Never.

Grisha looked around, still comforting Mikasa in his arms then exhaled greatly meeting my gaze one more, “You have 5 minutes, that’s it. I’ll tell security to time you that exactly. That’s all the time I’ll allow you to have with my son.” He rose up one thick calloused finger and pointed it strongly at me. “But after this, you leave and you _never_ come near Eren or my family again. You understand? If I ever catch you I will call the police.”

His threat still hung in the air ringing loud and clear into my head. He uncurled his legs, slowly coming to a stand and moving aside so that I would be allowed inside the room. He kept my eyes the entire time, never once breaking contact until finally I stepped into the room and closed the door behind me. So here I was. Me and Eren. Alone, separated across the room from one another just as we were that day in the concert. Except, this time it was me doing the gawking and him not paying me any attention.

Time wasn’t on my side. I picked up my feet and hurriedly returned to my rightly place by his side and held his hand in mine once again dying a little more inside when I felt its chill. I opened my mouth, and it was as if I choked on the air.

What was I supposed to do? What the fuck was I supposed to say? That I was sorry that I caused all this? Tell him that I loved him time and time again and get no response? No, it wasn’t good enough! There has to be something better that I can fucking tell him! This is my last chance! The last time I’ll see him again and—

“Damn it!” I yelled slamming my hand on the pillow next to his head. My throat is burning once again, my eyes are stinging, my heart aches, and my eyes are blurring. I open them and I just can’t hold it back anymore, all this acting tough is bullshit. There’s no time for it anyway. Not anymore.

My tears are falling all around him, hitting the pillow and when one lands on his cheek I use my free hand and wipe it away with my thumb, palming his face and admiring his soft features.

“There are so many things that I want to say to you. So many things that I know you’d love to hear but, you can’t hear me. You’re lost somewhere in that massive head of yours,” I chuckle absently as more tears roll down when Eren does nothing to respond. “Eren, I can’t tell you enough how much I love you. I can say it time and time again on repeat but no matter how you put it ‘love’ isn’t this. It’s not what I’ve done to you. I’m done just telling you that I love you.” I stop wiping away my tears with both hands and checking the clock. I only have one minute left. I reach my arms up and hook them onto the chain around my neck slowly easing the necklace off of me. My chest feels so cold and bare without the presence of the key. I clutch it one last time before balling it all up in my fist and placing it inside the dead hand of Eren’s that I had been holding for hours.

“There won’t be a moment of any day that I won’t be thinking of you. The memory of us will always be in my heart and I swear I will never love another as strongly as I love you. I wish that I could stay, I wish I could see you graduate, take you out on silly dates, kiss you, but I can’t. I’m no good for you, I never was. This hurts so much to say but, I have to let you go,” I stare at my hand grasping his and feel as though I just can’t pull apart from him. But I have to, because at the end of the day, “You’re only holding a hand that’s pulling you down,” I say more to myself than to him as I drop the key back into his hand leaving it there.

My five minutes are up. A nurse opens the door right on cue, “Um, Mr.Ackerman? It’s time to go,” she says sounding scared of me. I’m out of time. I look down at Eren one last time hoping for some miracle where he’ll open his eyes, but he doesn’t. This is reality.

I nod to myself and for her to see, and lower myself kissing his hand once, twice, before whispering to him only like a silent pledge between us, “I’ll become better. I’ll be a better man, I promise. For you. For us.”

Reluctantly, I pull away leaving the key with him and stepping out with the nurse but not before taking one last look at him behind me and listening to the heart monitor.

Goodbye for now, my love.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not the end, tune in next week.


	23. Time Gone by

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things need to change

_“Goodbye Eren.”_

 

No, where are you going? Don’t leave me. Please. I can’t live without you. Don’t go. Please. _Please._

“Stay,” I call out as I peel my eyes open strenuously.

“Eren!” Is that Mikasa? I roll my head to the left and sure enough it is. She looks awful, her skin is pale and her hair looks disoriented. Before I know it, everyone is surrounding me smiling. What’s going on? Where am I? And why is everyone staring at me like they’re seeing me for the first time? The room is all white, I can hear a monitor beeping, the air smells stale. Am I in the hospital?

“What—” I try sitting up and I stop speaking. My voice is hoarse, my throat is completely dry and for some reason it feels like a great strain just to operate my vocals. Jesus, what is happening here?

“I’ll go get you some water,” Armin said turning around and grabbing one of the many water bottles that sat on an all white table.  The second he gives it to me I chug it, moving the tubes connected inside my nose to the right and indulging in the sweet coolness of ice cold water. But it starts to burn my throat, and I pull away going into a small coughing fit. Grisha starts patting my back but eventually I calm down and take another look at the faces gawking at me.

“What the hell is this?” I said moving my arm upward and noticing an IV stuck inside my veins. I can see that I’m all hooked up but for what? “What’s going on?” I was waiting for someone to answer me but before that happens there’s a knock on the door and a nurse comes in.

She glances at me a bit astonished but for what reason I have no clue. Then she smiles warmly, “Welcome back Mr. Jaeger! It’s good to see you live and well,” she says chirpily. What the hell is she talking about?

“Thanks but, why am I here?” I ask watching her walk across the room and check all the equipment.

“Oh, I bet you wouldn’t remember,” she comments as she takes my left arm and touches down over my vein with a stethoscope listening for a pulse. “You were admitted here a few weeks ago.” She still sounded peppy but that didn’t feel right.

The revelation of that news rattled me, enough to the point that I completely forgot about the water bottle in my hand and dropped it spilling the remains on myself. “What is the date?” I ask, fearing the answer.

“February second,” she answered. Oh my God. That isn’t just a ‘few weeks’ like how she tried to make it sound. That was a solid month.

“Eren what’s the last thing you remember?” Mikasa asked me acting like a mother as usual. I thought, scanning my memories for anything that could explain this disaster. It was New Years, there was laughing, fun, alcohol, drugs, and then—I don’t know. I remember feeling a searing sharp pain but then nothing, and next thing I know I’m here in this hospital bed a month later.

“You had an overdose,” Grisha spoke up, clear. I looked up at him slowly feeling the heartbeat inside my ears; processing his words and feeling a sudden chill overcome me. An overdose? I had an overdose on New Years…that would mean Levi was with me but then if I’ve been asleep for a month then where is—

My thoughts stop. My mind is cut off immediately, as though it’s lacking oxygen. I don’t know why, but for some reason I feel something is absolutely _wrong_ and its then that I look down at my hand, turning it upward towards me and slowly opening it fearing what I might find. The object is cold, its brass, it’s the key. The key that I gave to Levi. My brain starts spazzing, going into overload and my heart starts racing causing the monitor to go ballistic.

“Is Levi alright? What happened to him? Why isn’t he here?” My mouth is faster than my thoughts as I slaughter them with my questions. Why would I have this key in my hand unless something bad happened to him? Did he overdose too? Was he..? I didn’t even want to finish that morbid thought.

“Eren calm down, Levi is fine,” Armin said trying to rub my arm for reassurance but it wasn’t helping, that only intensified my fear.

“Then where is he!? Why is he not here?” I was flailing my head between all four of them, including the nurse. No one was saying anything when they should have been speaking volumes right now. There was no way Levi would leave my side, he would never just up and go especially if he knew I was in this condition. Someone did something, that much was clear.

“I think this isn’t my place to be here,” the nurse said awkwardly, that sunshine smile gone from her face as she back stepped and slipped out of the room. Now it was just the remaining three, my two best friends and previous absent father. Wait, even another was missing.

“Where is Jean?” I asked looking directly at Armin. The look of trauma that flooded his face as he looked away told me exactly what occurred during my absence. He knew about Marco. I continued on, “Look, I don’t know what’s going on here or why everyone is being ominously silent but listen.” I took this time to hold up the key with my hand so everyone could see. “I gave Levi this key, it shouldn’t be with me right now it should be with him, he owns it. He wouldn’t just abandon it here and not even be around while I was in a coma. Levi would be here. Right here, holding my hand, kissing it, something!” I don’t know where those actions came from but I felt as though I had a ghost of a feeling that Levi was here at some point and had done just that. Call it a sixth sense.

“Here I’ve got a better question for you Eren,” Grisha began folding his arms and casting a look down upon me. The way his glasses gleamed in the florescent light of the room made me uncomfortable.  “Why don’t you explain what is was you were doing on New Years to have to have your stomach pumped of ridiculous amounts of stimulants, alcohol and even horse tranquilizers!” His voice had risen, he sounded outraged and the fear in my heart was settling and dispersing throughout it.

I had to come up with a lie. I had to cover Levi no matter what, it didn’t matter what I said about myself as I had clearly been caught already. But for Levi there was still a chance. As long as I could cover for him then we could still be together and all of this won’t matter and then we can go back to how things used to be—

“We know about what the both of you have done. _Everything_ ,” forget fear, this was full blown panic. He knew. They all knew. That would explain the shy glances they have all been giving me since I started talking about Levi.

I remained silent, looking away from them and straight down to the key tangled up in my fingers, “Everything?” I asked once more.

“Every damn thing. So, this is what you’ve been doing with your spare time then,” Grisha said stepping away from the bed practically dripping with disdain.

“Eren, how could you do this to us?” Armin asked softly looking at me with a look of utter pain. “I thought we were all friends, why would you keep something like this from us?”

“Because I knew how you would all react,” there was no need for lying. It was useless now. Mikasa damn near exploded.

“Of course this is how we would react! Eren, you’ve been poisoning your body and for what? So you could be with him?” For some reason I didn’t like the way she said that statement. She made it sound like I had no reason for doing anything that I was doing, as if it was all because of Levi and I had no part in this. They made it sound like everything was his fault, he was all to blame, he was the corruptor and mastermind behind it all. I had had enough.

“Why do you all think I started doing drugs to begin with?” I asked gripping the key tighter in my hand.

“How are we supposed to know that answer?” Grisha snapped on me causing the fire inside me to rise.

“Exactly, you all wouldn’t know a _damn_ thing about how I feel. I can’t even begin to explain to you an ounce of the pain that I feel every. Single. Day.” My free hand was on my chest and with each word I enunciated, I patted it on my chest.

“Pain for what Eren?” Mikasa asked completely confused while I grit my teeth.

“Have you forgotten? The entire reason I got myself into all of this was because of her,” I said feeling my throat begin to burn.

“Carla,” Grisha said turning around and looking at me with a gaping mouth and wide eyes. “You’re doing this because of what happened to your mother,” he stated finally understanding it.

“I couldn’t take it. I just couldn’t mentally deal with the pain of losing her. I was lost. I didn’t know what the hell I was supposed to do with myself but then I found him. It wasn’t him that made me do anything, it was me. It was all me, I pushed doing the drugs on. He wanted me to stop but I kept going because I can’t stop. I am an addict and I don’t ever want to stop,” I caved over, crying into my hands right onto the key. Even now at a time like this I was craving something. Yearning for it. Levi not being here was only intensifying all of the negative emotion building up inside of me.

“You need help,” Armin said out loud the words that they wanted me to hear so badly. I snorted.

“I had help. What do you think Levi was, just some junkie to get high with? Being with him was my help, and then I wake up today with this key and no one saying a damn word about where he is.” They looked guilty. “If you don’t tell me, I’ll just call him myself,” I said preparing to rip the IV’s from my arm if needed to reach the phone provided for the room. Fuck them. I would take matters into my own hands and get in touch with him. I needed him, loved him.

“You will never see that man again,” Grisha said throwing me off entirely.

“ _What_?” I said sharply.

“He’s not here because I told him not to be. You two don’t need to be around one another. Look what he’s done to you Eren—”

I was enraged, “Did you not just hear a word I said! Levi didn’t do anything wrong!” I hollered at the top of my lungs.

“Enough Eren! You two will not see one another and that’s final. I know it seems harsh and unfair now but it’s for your safety trust me!” Grisha bit back. No, I wouldn’t just accept losing him like this.

“I don’t  care what you say you’re not keeping us apart. I’ll just go see him!” At any opportunity I could I would go to him, no matter what they said.

“You can’t,” Mikasa said flatly.

“I’ll be damned if I can’t!” I yelled at her.

“No Eren, you really can’t.” Armin said more definitely.

“Why not?” I asked.

“Because I told him I would call the police if he came anywhere near you,” Grisha said silencing anything I had in me.

“You what?” I said more to myself. That would explain this then. The key he left with me, it was because he was sent away. He didn’t think he would ever see me again. In his head, we were _over_. I wanted to cry, I wanted to run out of this damn hospital and find him and scream to him that everything was alright. Who knows what Grisha and the others put into his head. He probably think this is all his fault. Levi doesn’t need that kind of guilt on his shoulders.

“Damn it,” I said taking the key and putting it around my neck. It felt wrong, this was supposed to be with another, not me. I would have to find a way to get back to him. I had to see him again. I never even got to say goodbye…

“Starting Tuesday, you’ll be attending rehab Eren. I think it’s for the best,” Grisha said having the nerve to come over and out his hand on my shoulder.

I didn’t reply but inside all I could say was ‘fuck you’.

 

“Welcome back Eren!” Confetti rolled past my face and it was as though I was locked inside of a strange dream. It had been days now since I had been omitted from the hospital and today was my first day coming back to school. I had thought only Armin and Mikasa knew about my hospital excursion but apparently, they had to tell the schools something.

“Uh. Thanks.” I said uncomfortably standing in front of my AP chemistry class with Pixis by my side. He patted my shoulder and before I began my awkward shuffle through the crowd of smiling classmates he leaned closer to my ear.

“Hope your blood transfusion went well,” he said secretly to me. Hmm, so that was the lie that they had told about me. Better that than the actual truth I guess. It’s not exactly flattering for everyone in your entire school to know that the real reason you were absent was because you had a severe drug overdose and were in a coma for a month.

I never thought I would say this ever in my life but the moment I saw Jean I felt some excitement spark into me. It had been days since I had seen him; he was practically in the same taboo as Levi was currently. Armin wouldn’t go into details but basically I could only assume they were over.

“Hey,” I said scooting close to him. He had been resting his head in his palm and facing in the other direction. Upon hearing my voice he turned over slightly and gave me a lazy smile and a tired eyebrow rise. But then he turned right back around. Awkward. “So, no welcome back or anything?” I pressed jokingly expecting to get something from him.

He turned back, dropping his hand this time. “Oh, sorry. Welcome back Eren. I’m glad you’re okay.” There was an absence to his voice that kind of concerned me.

“You alright?” I asked bringing out my folders. Jean glanced over at me with empty eyes then shook his head.

“No. Not really.” I heard his voice crack slightly but he didn’t cry, no tears slid from him. I reached my hand out, forgetting all the past silly arguments we had so many times before this very moment and all the lies we kept.

“We’ll talk about it at lunch.”

 

Because of the worry about Armin and Mikasa finding me and hovering as they had been these last few days, Jean and I decided what better place to talk about stuff than in the boiler room. It was an exclusive spot that no one would even think of coming down to check, it was a bit hot with the steam flowing about in the air but we were fine. With the long flight of creaky wooden stairs, we would long hear someone if they did decide to come down here.

“I see,” I said twirling the key around on my neck, staring down at it blankly. We had been down here for a good ten minutes and Jean had pretty much explained everything. Him and Levi had been arguing and in the midst of it all, Grisha and the others had heard everything. Including his cheating scandal. “Did you see him leave?” I asked thinking of Levi. Words couldn’t describe the raw emotion I felt just saying his name out loud, I missed him. Even though I hadn’t been conscious that long month apart I still felt the absence as if I had lived through it all. I would give anything just to be able to hear his voice even if only for a few seconds.

“No,” Jean shook his head. We were sitting on opposite sides of the room. Him on the foot of the stairs and me inside a rather odd crevice in the walls that seemed carved out just so someone could sit down. Maybe the janitor did it. “Pretty much after Mikasa fell out crying Armin told me to leave. He said that I had ‘done enough damage’,” he used air quotes pitifully and dropped his hands rather sluggishly burying his head in them miserably. “This is fucking terrible Eren. I mean, I know I deserve this, I know Armin had every right to break up with me but still. This silent treatment he’s giving me? It’s killing me. He won’t even look at me when we walk past each other in the halls. Ugh, I feel like trash.”

Though Jean had brought this upon himself and reason told me I shouldn’t have felt a thing for him seeing as it was my best friend he betrayed, my heart said otherwise. I knew what it was like to fuck up severely and to be left with nothing but the consequences of your actions. But at least he still got to see Armin each day, whether it was happily or not. For me it was as though Levi had become a ghost.

“I’m sorry you have to go through that Jean,” I said running a hand through my hair and ruffling it a bit. Jean just huffed from the other side.

“Still though, it must be worse for you,” he said directing those amber eyes directly at me through the fog growing in the room. “Have you heard any word from him?” He asked me.

Now it was my turn to feel uncomfortable, “Not at all. I’ve been calling his cell phone like crazy but all I got were voicemails. Then to make things worse, when I called it about an hour ago I got the voice message saying that the number had been disconnected.” I was practically gripping at my hair like a loon. “It’s like he ignoring me totally. He won’t even send me a stupid text message…” even that would be enough. Just anything to know what he was doing out there on his own. “This is agony,” I said exhaling heavily.

Jean snorted, “You’re telling me,” he said.

“Then to make it worse Mikasa and Armin are watching me like hawks. I can’t even go to the bathroom in piece. They probably have a chip implanted on me,” I said kidding around though my voice didn’t sound like it held any jest.

“Well can you really blame them? You went off the deep end for a while man. You can’t get mad at them for being worried.” He admitted. I just bit my cheek and twisted my lips towards the right side of my face.

“Well okay whatever, I get it, but now what are we going to do?” I asked standing up as when I glanced at my phone we didn’t have much longer until lunch was over.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, are we just going to sit here and let our boyfriends treat us like shit or are we going to fight for them back?” I pressed. I could hear the tiredness in his sigh.

“Will you please shut up with the pep talk for a moment? At least let me have my own pity party,” he suggested standing up and stretching out.

“You’ve been doing that for a month now.” I said flatly.

“I have no choice. Eren, you’re best friends with Armin so you should know better than me that we have a snowballs chance in hell of getting back together.” He said somberly.

“I wouldn’t say that. Some people say hell is cold,” I said wagging a finger. He gave me a dead panned face and I could tell he was internally screaming. “Okay I’ll stop now.”

“Thank you,” he said sounding relieved.

“What about you and Marco?” I had to ask. He had been the side problem for all these months and I was curious.

“That’s done. In fact, I think I’m done with all relationships for a while. I think I’ll be better off alone anyway.” His voice didn’t sound as if he really believed that. “What about you and Levi?” He countered placing a starting foot up on the stairs.

I knew the answer to that immediately. “I’ll keep trying. I’ll just keep trying to find out a way to reach him.” Jean just watched me from over his shoulder.

“Have you considered that maybe he hasn’t called you back for a reason?” He suggested causing my heart to skip.

“What do you mean?” Where exactly was he going with all this?

Jean shrugged casually, “I just mean that Levi doesn’t seem like the type of guy to be intimidated by a stupid ‘I’ll call the cops’ threat. Maybe there’s another reason he left. Maybe he has something he wants to take care of before he can come back to you.”

Something that Levi needs to take care of? What the hell does that mean? Was he running errands or something? Maybe picking up some drugs…

Beats the hell out of me.

 

“Do I really have to do this?” I asked sitting in the passenger’s seat, glancing around the growing parking lot.

“Totally,” Mikasa answered swiftly putting the car in park. I grimaced. I knew that Grisha had said he wanted me to come to rehab but now, sitting here in this lot was making me feel nervous and skeptical.

I turned over to her, “Look, it’s almost been a week and I’ve been clean this entire time. I don’t have to go here,” I was pleading. It had only been a week because on the week of New Year’s I had brought everything I had to Levi’s because I knew we would use it all up at the party. Now under all this stress, I wished that I still had something. Not to mention the slight tweaks my body was having to the sudden adjustment of being clean.

“Eren, no. Get out of the car and go to rehab,” she said unlocking the doors. I didn’t budge.

“This is stupid,” I said.

“No, it’s not,” she hit me back.

“Yes it is! I’m fine! Why do you all have to make this a bigger deal than what it really is?” I was starting to raise my voice with her but I couldn’t help it. They were frustrating. I was frustrated. And it didn’t help that since I had been under tight surveillance I didn’t even have the chance to sneak away and go to Levi’s apartment, that is if he didn’t up and move away just as easily as he deactivated his phone.

Mikasa turned to me and slammed her hand over her chest, “ _I’m_ the one making a big deal? Eren, do you not recall what just happened to you?” I didn’t answer, so she continued her onslaught. “Well here, let me remind you. You were so doped up that you caused yourself to slip into what could have easily been a permanent coma. And what’s worse is, you don’t even seem to care about yourself. You’re ignoring this entire situation like it never happened and of all the people that you could come to—me, Armin, dad—you want _him._ ” Just as I had picked up on before, for her and everyone else but Jean, it was as though Levi’s name was Satan and no one wanted to speak it. But wait a moment, did I just hear that last sentence right?

“Dad? Is that what you’re calling him now?” Clearly, I must’ve knocked my head as well because there was no way in hell that Mikasa would be calling Grisha that. She just sighed and ran a strained hand across her forehead.

“Yeah well, a lot of stuff happened when you were asleep. You’d be surprised how the near death of a family member can bring people together,” the side glance that she gave me spoke volumes and I knew there was nothing more that I could really say. My time of stalling was up.

Without another word, I just turned away and opened up the door helping myself out of this awkward situation. She didn’t say another word to me, instead I just heard the sound of the car pulling away. Thank goodness, I didn’t want to have to deal with that for a second longer.

As I made my way into the building for some reason I felt like I was walking down death row. Unlike the hospital corridors, this one was not all white but instead just some dark maroon color. Above me there was a long constant row of light, not florescent as in my hospital room but dimly lit. The air was ominous and looking at the bright paintings with splashes of colors on my left and right was only upsetting my stomach. God, I did not want to be here.

After marching my way down the hall, I finally reached the padded doors at the end of the hall. And once I opened them, I was overwhelmed with a massive flood of rough faces. Ranging all the way from older, graying men, to young maybe at youngest fourteen year old girls. They were all sitting in a circle, all with the same expression clouding their faces. Apathy and worst of all, regret.

“Welcome, you must be the new guy around here,” a man spoke to me. He was very spooky looking, eyes enlarged and looking as though he was frightened of something and a brooding shadow casting over his features. He looked like a man on edge, but his voice said otherwise. “My name is Kitts Woerman. Come on, take a seat stranger.” He said.

I glanced around the rest of the addicts in the circle uncomfortably and went to take my place in one of the only empty seats. There was another seat that was empty. Guess some people did decided to skip out on this class.

“Would you like to introduce yourself to the rest of the group?” Mr. Woerman asked me once again causing everyone to direct their stares at me. I felt like my skin was crawling.

“And say what exactly?” I asked him quickly.

He just crossed his legs and arms, “Well typically, when we get a new comer its customary to introduce oneself by saying the obvious. Your name, age, your reason for being here, and maybe a fun fact or two if you want. Just to make the room more comfortable.”

I thought about it. This room was probably going to be uncomfortable no matter what went down in here and I doubted speaking a few things about myself really mattered. No one looked like they even remotely cared.

“Okay,” I began rubbing my hands together. “My name is Eren Jaeger.  I’m seventeen years old but I’ll be eighteen next month. I’m here because over the past few months I’ve been abusing cocaine, a small bit of heroin, marijuana, and alcohol.” My voice seems to kind of wander towards the end and in my heart I know why. As my mind is thinking all of this up, I can’t help but think about  Levi and all of his involvement in this. He’s a big part of this story too I suppose, but they don’t need to know that. “And a fun face about me is that, I recently just came out of a drug induced coma that lasted about a month.” I nodded to the others to let them know I was done and they clapped, some even sending approving nods my way. The guy next to me even patted my pat a bit. I guess this really was a supportive group at the end of the day.

“Well, should we begin or wait on the last guy?” Someone asked Mr. Woerman.

He checked his watch, “No need. He’s always a few minutes late. He’ll be walking in right about…now!” And then sure enough, the door opened revealing that someone indeed did come late to join our session. “You’re late Mr. Ackerman, I hope you brought doughnuts for everyone like you promised,” the instructor said jokingly.

My heart froze, my brain shut down, my blood ran cold. It was _him_.

“Yeah yeah, I got them…” His sentence trailed off as he looked upward from the box and the moment out eyes caught hold of one another, the box of doughnuts seemed to flip out of his hands and crash straight to the ground. I was on my feet immediately, ignoring everyone else in the room.

“Levi,” I whispered out, fingers glazing over my key on my neck that I hadn’t dared remove from my body yet. The moment my foot stepped out towards him, he stepped back heading backwards right out the door.

“Mr.Ackerman!” Kitts yelled after him. I was on his heels, following out the door as well. “Mr.Jaeger! Where are you both going?” He was ignored totally.

He had a good five to seven steps ahead of me, but I was fast. And I had no one but football to thank for that.

“So is that how you say hello?” I called to him sassily but still with anger.

“You shouldn’t be here,” he said not even looking back.

“So you don’t want me to be here?” I yelled still rushing after him.

“Go home Eren!” He yelled.

“Gee, wouldn’t I love to do that! But you know what I would like even more?” I had caught up, I reached my hand out and grasped a hold on his shoulder digging in, forcing him to turn around. “To spend time with my boyfriend!” He did, but not without slapping my hand off of him. Like I was a germ.

So here we stood, facing one another both with a flare in our eyes and our breaths hitched from the speed walking. So this was it. This was the moment that I had dreamt of every night since I had woken up. Seeing Levi, but somehow, it was turning out to be nothing like I had conjured in my head. His face wasn’t soft like it previously had been, his eyes didn’t seem pleased, in fact he didn’t look happy to see me at all. He looked angry.

“Alright, you have my attention. What do you want?” He asked me sharply. What was this? He was acting almost as cold as he had the first time we met.

I didn’t even know where to begin. “I don’t know, maybe an explanation? Where have you been? I’ve been blowing up your phone for the past week and not only did you ignore my calls, but you purposely had it disconnected so I couldn’t call you anymore. What is that all about?” He didn’t say anything, he wasn’t even looking at me. He was looking past me at something else entirely, it was heartbreaking. “And then when I woke up, you weren’t there. I know it could be because of Grisha and what he said but, to not even act happy that I’m alive? You won’t even look at me. What’s the matter with you? Did I do something wrong? Did I make you mad somehow, I mean I just don’t understand,” my voice had been wavering like a child. I didn’t mean to make myself sound like a dependent piece of shit but I couldn’t stop my emotions. My feelings were raw, my heart was hurting.

“Eren, it’s not like that,” he said shaking his head but still refusing to look at me.

“Then take this back,” I said reaching over my head and taking the key off extending it at him, practically shoving it to him. “I woke up and this was in my hand and I know you Levi, you would never give up, even if Grisha was going to call the S.W.A.T. team on you, that wouldn’t stop you from being away from me so what is it? Do you not want to be with me anymore?” I was desperate, craving any kind of emotion from him. Just tell me that everything is okay. Tell me we are fine, tell me you are meant for this and I would die for you. Please.

“I can’t take the necklace back Eren, I just can’t.” He admitted.

My legs suddenly felt weak, “Then you’ve fallen in love with someone else?” I asked dreading the answer.

“Of course not!” This first sign or non apathetic emotion and it came from me accusing him of being with someone else. “I don’t want to be with anyone else!” He was raising his tone at me.

“Then just be with me!” I shouted.

“I can’t!” He repeated, shutting me down once more.

“And why not?”

“Because,” he began but stopped. “Because I’m not good for you. Not right now at least.” I felt like I was going crazy.

“What are you even saying?” I needed more, I was not just going to take that vague answer.

“I’m saying the obvious Eren, I am an addict okay? Right now I am nothing but a shitty, clingy, destructive addict.” He seemed passionate about his words.

“So I am, what is your point?” I chipped in. Levi held out a hand to silence me.

“My _point_ is,” I closed my mouth. “I know you’re an addict. I know it damn well because I’m the one who did it to you. It was me who introduced all this shit into your life and it was my fault that you overdosed. I know that Eren, and nothing that you say to convince me otherwise will work. Stop trying to defend me and make me feel better because in actuality, its making me feel worse.”

He knew that I was going to defend him. That I was planning on blaming myself for everything that had happened and not him. I didn’t want him to feel that way. I knew deep down that it was his fault but I didn’t say that to my family. Not to him. Because I didn’t want him to have that guilt piled upon his already traumatic life.

He reached a hand up and touched the key, almost touching hands with me but not quiet, then he pulled back. “You’re absolutely right. I don’t give a fuck about Grisha and his threats, they don’t mean a damn thing to me. Do you have any idea how far I would go just to be with you? Going back to prison just so that I can kiss you one last time doesn’t phase me because in the end, it would’ve been worth it. You want to know what _does_ keep me away?”

I only nodded, still being mindful not to speak like he asked. Not only that but, my mouth was feeling incredibly dry and bare.

“You Eren. It’s you. The very thought that I might mess up again and get you killed terrifies the living shit out of me. I wake up with nightmares that I’ve killed you and you know what? That is exactly what going to happen if I stay in your life being the man that I am right now.” He paused and brought up a hand motioning between us both. “We are both addicts, addicts don’t mix, they only destroy. If we keep on like the way we are, we’re not good for each other, we’re just the opposite.” He stepped closer, close enough for our noses to touch and he reached out and once again touched the key softly.

“When I gave this back to you, it wasn’t because I was breaking up with you, that’s the last thing on Earth that I want. I gave this back to you, because right now I don’t deserve it. I’m not a man that can make you happy yet, not now. I’m trying to make myself better, I swear I am. That’s why I’m here in therapy again. I failed at it before but now, I have an actual reason to keep pushing till the end,” his hands lowered and I felt both of them grasps hold of mine and intertwine out fingers together. He brought our hands up and lightly, flipped them over where he placed gentle kisses on both sides of my palms, sending chills up my spine.

“I love you Eren,” he said softly, looking straight into my eyes piercing into the depths of my very soul. “Forever. I will _never_ want another person as much I want you I swear to you with all of my heart that you helped revive. We are not over, we just both need to get better.”

I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t get a coherent thought together. So I did what my body wanted most to do since the moment I had woke up without him. I closed my eyes and just let go. I moved closer to him and pressed my lips against his and for the first time in what felt so long, felt a blaze set inside my lower stomach and spread throughout my entire being. Our lips moved along each other’s passionately, no room for mistake, no room for fear just nothing but absolute love between two people who wanted nothing more in the world than each other. I ran my hands through that silky hair, I touched the skin of that lovely face, I crushed myself against his body and savored every moment.

“I don’t want to be apart from you,” I said pulling apart and resting my head in his shoulder. “I don’t want us to die, I want this to be forever,” I was babbling. I didn’t even know what I was saying, I just knew it was all coming from my heart.

“It will be forever,” he reassured kissing my head through my hair. “I’m not going anywhere, we just have to get better okay? No more drugs, no more getting high, no more of it. Just you and me. Just us and that’s it okay? No more bullshit,” he said holding me tighter.

I cried softly into him feeling the gravity of this situation pounding my heart, “Okay, okay I promise. No more. I don’t want them anymore, I just want you.”

Levi let out a small sob that I didn’t know he had in him, “Oh God, I’ve missed you. I love you. I love you so much,” he said kissing me repeatedly.

“I love you too.” I responded.

How ironic that this session was something that I had protested so badly but if not for it, I would’ve never been reunited with Levi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading, based off the positive feedback from you guys I must be doing a good job here. Not the end, I've decided this story will probably be 31 chapters of excellent drama so stick around guys!


	24. If we Fail

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No more games, no more drugs, but what happens if one of them slips up and fails?

We shouldn't be doing this.

It’s the one constant thought that’s been ringing through my head and yet, I can’t stop my body from reacting shamelessly to even the smallest of touches.

“Oh fuck, I’ve missed you,” Levi moans into my neck and he continues kissing with his moistened mouth on my sensitive spot. His hands are working simultaneously at the buttons on my shirt, working with haste to release my body from its restraints of clothing. When his teeth graze sweetly just under my jaw bone I can’t help but shutter and let out an involuntary whimper. My skin was burning, it was a though I was a virgin again and my body was new to the touch of another man. It needed to be broken back in, it needed to be dominated again.

My vision blurred as I craned my neck upward allowing him to put as many love bites on me as he wanted. He wasn’t the only one that wanted this. My hands were wandering all over his body cutting over the sharp muscles that I had once known so well. Once he got my shirt completely unbuttoned, he slid it off all while lowering his hungry mouth to claim one of my nipples. The cold contact of his tongue sent an erotic shiver down my spine and I thought I would die from all the pleasure that one simple action can do. He nibbled, sucked, and even twisted the other in his fingers before taking the attention away from my nipple and lowering his course.

My legs were shaking, I couldn't believe it but for some odd reason I felt butterflies actually forming in the lower pit of my stomach. I was nervous as hell, maybe it was because it had been so long, or possibly it was because this wasn't just fucking we were doing right now. This was making love. Taking our time with one another, going slow and making sure that not a single ounce of flesh felt ignored, this was bodily appreciation. This was true love taking form in one of the best ways we both knew how to present it, through our bodies.

I wobbled back and settled for sitting down on my bed, allowing myself to lay down while Levi swirled his tongue around my belly button teasing me, before finally freeing me of any and all clothing. I was exposed, I was completely naked for his eyes only to see. There wasn't even time to dwell on it, as he was back in action. He lifted my legs, placing them on his shoulders and with his calloused hands that I loved so much, began working tiny massages on my inner thighs, relaxing me and also causing me to moan uncontrollably. His long fingers finally took hold of me and began stroking fluidly, before I can even begin to thrust my hips up to get more friction, I feel the moisture of his tongue and immediately lose my mind.

“Aah!” My back arches, and I can’t even form a word to describe the immense pleasure I feel from him. All I know is that I don’t want it to stop, ever. My hands reflexively weave straight into his hair and help guide him along my length smoothly. He’s slurping, using his tongue and lapping on the underside as if he’s a dog and just the noises alone are making me feel like I’m coming undone. He pulls back a bit and starts teasing the head, licking precise circles over the top while I’m just breathing heavily, mouth parted and nothing but hot air escaping while I’m watching him, and he’s watching me. Those grey eyes give me one last look and it’s almost like I can see the smile in them before Levi takes me for a loop and completely swallows my entire manhood.

My toes curl up, I want to cry out but I can’t, all that happens is a dry screech. Fuck, I can feel the back of his throat. It’s tight, it’s so tight and warm and he just keeps bobbing his head time and time again and fuck—

“Okay, stop, stop, stop,” I pant using both my hands and tapping urgently at his head hoping to catch his attention. He acknowledges my pathetic attempts and comes up, but not without a long, wet lick.

“Something wrong?” He asks knowing damn well there’s nothing wrong. His oral skills are the best thing to grace this planet and I’m sure he’s been told that several times. That’s not the issue here.

“I don’t— I don’t want to cum yet. Not like this,” my body feels completely drained and weakened but I don’t care. I was on the verge of orgasm but I had to stop it because this isn’t how I want to finish. I use my hands and guide his up and along the way I’m tugging at his shirt, trying to pull it off. He has to do it for me, as he rests atop my stiff dick with his ass pressed down on it. I wince when he adds pressure, even though he has on boxers still I feel it like he’s naked.

“I want you inside me,” I breathe out to him, reaching my hands out and touching his face. “I want you to cum inside me. I want to be screaming your name, I want you to bring me to the edge of reason and then, I want to cum. With you. Together.”

Levi just stares at me, hovering above me for a few moments that feel like an eternity. Finally, a ghost of a smile reaches his lips and within his eyes all I can see is my reflection. “Okay,” he says climbing off of me. I sit up a bit and watch as he goes over to his pants that he discarded on my floor and searches through the back pocket pulling out both a condom and lube.

My eyebrow reaches up, “That’s new,” I say staring at the rubber that he tears out and places over his already hard member.

“Can’t afford to make a mistake,” for a second I think he’s talking about the absurd thought that I could get pregnant but then I remember where we were. I snuck him into Grisha’s house through my window, he didn’t want to make a mess and even though condoms sucked they were the easiest way to not make a mess. “Roll over on your stomach, I’m taking you from behind,” he says as I watch his slowly slide the lube up and down his clothed penis. Without noticing, I lick my lips. I need that cock inside me.

Obediently, I roll over and just the contact of the sheets and my extremely sensitive member right now makes me want to hump the sheets. I don’t know how much longer I can hold out, I want to be touched, I want to be dominated, I want—

My thoughts are cut short by Levi grabbing me by the ass, gripping it firmly and pulling it upwards, angling it in the air. My face in on the sheets, my heart is pumping a mile away. I feel the familiar pressure of him pushing inside of him, the stretching of my walls and its then that I turn my face completely into the sheets biting them. I can’t scream. We have to be quieter that usual.

“You ready?” Levi asks breathily. I only give him a slight whimper before he pushes in all the way, causing my back to arch and my mouth to fly open, a moan just on the tip of my tongue getting ready to impact the air but Levi slaps a hand over my mouth and keeps thrusting into me. I want to cry it feels so damn good, this feeling of him. All of it. “ _Damn_ ,” Levi whispers at the new tightness of my hole as he pushes through a muscle spasm that I have.

I’m biting his fingers, the only sounds in the room are ours skin slapping together and light panting from him. He can control himself, I can’t. My hands are clawing at the sheets, I can barely keep my balance as all I want to do is fall over and just let him ride my ass. It’s good, its great, its fucking heaven. When he grazes over my prostate for what feels like the hundredth time, my teeth clench down no doubt breaking skin.

“Ouch!” Levi let out but I noticed he didn’t stop. The pleasure outdid the pain. “Don’t bite so hard.” He warned slowing his thrusts to small pumps.

“Switch…” I breathed out barely holding onto my sanity.

“How do you want it?” Levi asks huskily. I don’t know what it is about that line, I don’t have a clue at all but with those words, something is sparked within me. Suddenly I have all the energy in the world as I lift up, pulling him out of me and using my hands to push him down this time. I climb on top of him, taking his usual position as the one in charge.

“Now you try being quiet,” It’s a tease, because I was willing to bet that after this he wouldn’t be. I hovered above him, reaching out and locating his pretty cock that I needed in order to complete me. I positioned it accordingly, and lowered myself on him, bottoming out and filling my ass completely with him.

“Fuck,” Levi released, eyebrows clenched together. This time I helped him out, putting my fingers in his mouth the same way he did to be. I lifted myself one good time, and slammed back down causing a muffled moan to leave him and a shutter to release in me. Riding the cock was always Levi’s specialty; in fact it was my favorite thing that he did to me. This time, I wanted that power. I wanted him to be the one screaming for me to fuck him harder.

I started off slow, straddling to set a pace for myself and get used to the feel on topping. Once I was past that, the fun began. I was rocking myself, rutting my hips over and over again on him almost frantically. I wanted to throw my head back and scream how good it felt having him inside me, rubbing against my walls but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to risk waking Mikasa up. Levi was a mess underneath me, digging his nails into my sides and rocking me against him, teeth bared and biting down on my fingers. My walls were closing around him, I could feel it, I wasn’t going to last at this speed much longer.

“Oh fuck Levi,” I moaned out lightly only loud enough for him to hear. I lowered my upper half, still bouncing my ass on top of him and he held me, wrapping those arms around me as I did the same back. He was reaching his end too, bucking his hips upward causing up to both collide with one another and shiver. It felt like we were about to become one, like all this bumping and grinding was melting us together.

“Slow down,” Levi whimpered but still held me tightly.

“You know you love it,” I responded out of breath grinding my ass all over him.

“Eren,” he hissed out next to my ear. “I’m about to cum,” he warned sounding like he was about to fall apart.

“M—me too. Aah,” he had bitten into my shoulder and that did it, I was done. I exploded, spraying my load onto his chest and feeling it come in contact with me too. I felt my inner walls contract around him and that was when he shot out what he had in him with a throaty low moan. I rocked my body against his a little bit more, just so I could ride out the orgasm till the end but I stopped quickly, instead choosing to lay against his chest.

“Fuck Eren,” Levi sighed into the thick air of my room, “From now on, you top. I think you outshined me tonight.”

I laughed meekly against his chest and sat up a bit lifting my ass off of his dick. I was immediately saddened to feel the loss of him from inside me. I didn’t want him to move, he looked like he couldn’t, so I moved down and took the condom off for him and tied it up, blindly tossing it on my floor. I would throw it away in the morning, when I knew my legs would be functional.

“That was looong overdue,” I said snuggling up against his chest.

Levi snorted, “You didn’t even have to suffer though it, you were asleep the whole time.”

I blushed, “Shut up,” I said defending myself. That wasn’t the best comeback but whatever, I was pooped right now.

The air was chilly; the fan above us was going crazy and jingling the switches with it. All joking aside, while it was true that I had slept through most our suffering, my body had missed his. I turned, and snuggled my head deep into his chest and clutched my hold on him.

“You’re so clingy,” he joked poking at my back and tickling it. I wiggled a bit over him and he started to slap at my booty.

“You totally love it,” I said lifting my head and resting my chin on his toned chest with large eyes. He smirked a tiny bit then puckered his lips out and pecked the tip of my nose before falling back on the pillow.

“Maybe just a little bit,” he admitted which brought a smile to my face as I turned my head and laid my cheek upon his skin resting my eyes shut as I listened to his heartbeat. “When you were in that hospital bed, your hands were so cold.” He spoke rather absentmindedly.

“Huh?” I replied opening my eyes but not moving from my relaxed position. Levi chuckled.

“I’m saying, that entire time, from the moment I found you collapsed all the way until Grisha made me go, I held onto your hand. Not once did it get warm, even though I was practically clutching at yours trying to heat it up it never worked. And now,” He unwrapped his hands from my back and tickled a trail down my arms until I brought my hands from around him and enlaced my fingers with his, “They’re warm again, just like usual. I’m glad.” He wasn’t the only one.

“Hey, I have a really stupid question,” I brought up, tilting my head on him a bit so I could glance at his face.

“How stupid are we talking?” He asked humoring me, playing with my fingers in his.

“Okay I take that back, it’s not stupid it’s just weird?” my voice rose up at the end and I could just feel the awkwardness that was me taking over.

“Okay?”

I sat up, looking him straight in the eyes, “Don’t judge me,” I continued narrowing my eyes at him.

“I already am,” he replied quickly, lips turned upward slightly.

I straight faced him, “You suck.”

“I know.” Ugh, they way that he said that and then proceeded to lift a suggestive eyebrow told me we were talking about two different kinds of sucks. “Alright, alright fine, ask the question.”

“Okay,” I began and stopped myself choosing to intake a large gust of air into my lungs. I filled them with so much; I thought they would burst, until I finally exhaled it all out contracting my lungs. “Just a few days before Christmas, I woke up one morning and you were just gone. I remember waiting around for you and you pretty much ignored all my calls. But then when you finally did come home, you weren’t acting like yourself. What was all that about?”

Whatever Levi had thought I was going to ask, it was evident he didn’t think _that_ would be the concern I had. Of course, that day had still been on my mine. It ranked high enough in my brain that I even talked to Mikasa and Armin about it and someone got stuck that he might have been cheating on me.  Now was the time to really find out the truth.

Levi released one of his hands enclosed around mine and sighed, running it through his hair straight back ruining the part in his hair. “The second I open my mouth and start to explain, you’ll get mad.” He warned looking down at me though a crack in his fingers revealing one eye.

I shook my head lightly, “I won’t, just tell me,” I couldn’t really guarantee that but I really had to know the truth.

Levi began, “Well, Erwin had been calling me for a few days. I called him back when you were sleep and he said he wanted to talk to me so I got dressed and went to see him.”

I’m not sure when it happened, I think it was just a motor motion for my body but the second I heard that horrid news, my hand cracked back into the air and I smacked Levi’s chest.

“What the _fuck_?” Levi whispered yet snared at me.

I was venomous, “You went to go—”

“ _Eren_ ,” he warned me giving me a signal to lower my voice as apparently I was getting loud.

“You went to see _Erwin_ in the middle of the night? You drove through a fucking snowstorm to go see that asshole? I don’t believe this! Don’t tell me you fucked him too. No, you didn’t have sex with him did you Levi? Please tell me you didn’t,” I was desperate for him to give me the answer I wanted. The first time this incident happened it hurt like hell. I didn’t think I could endure this pain a second time.

“No you brat,” he said wrapping those muscular arms around me once more bringing my stomach back down to lay flat upon his. “I went over and talked about him. I told you, I am done with Erwin, nothing is ever going to happen with him again trust me.”

My eyelids lowered, “I don’t know, the last time I did that you fucked him,” I know it was sassy as hell but I couldn’t hold that one in.

Now it was Levi’s turn to smack me, on my back causing a sting to erupt. I knew that was going to leave a red hand mark on me. “Will you shut the fuck up and listen please,” he said sounding irritated at my accusations, “I went over there and we talked and pretty much he was pissed at me for introducing you to drugs and he told me that if I kept this up, I would kill you.” He had gone deathly serious now, and his voice noticeably flatter.

That explains a lot. I understood perfectly well that Levi did not have a good relationship with the concept of death. After what happened to his only friends Isabel and Farlan, I don’t exactly blame him. That was why he couldn’t look at me. He was guilty just like I had suspected, but not because of cheating. He felt guilty of his own actions.

“Well, that won’t happen,” I reassured clinging my body to him. “As long as we can keep up this whole being sober thing, we’ll be fine.”

“Let’s be realistic here. Your family wants my head on a stick and even though we’re good now, that doesn’t mean they’ll just forget about what happened.” Levi said putting things into perspective. It had been only a week since we started sneaking around with one another again and he was right. His name was still taboo in our house and I was being watched so closely, there was no room for me to even attempt sneaking to his house. Mikasa had even gone so far as to have both Annie start spending the night to watch me while Grisha was at work. It was a miracle I got him in my room tonight.

“We’ll just have to be careful then,” I said sounding ever bit like a spoiled child that had been used to getting his way. Levi brought up a hand and ran it through my hair slowly, it felt wonderful. “I don’t care what they say; I’m in love with you. They’ll try and pull me away but they don’t know the truth.”

Levi glanced down at me and had the most outlandish face, “Did you really just do that?” He questioned sitting up a bit.

I tried to hold in my smile, “Do what?” I asked innocently.

His face cracked into a light smile, “You just quoted a Leona Lewis song. I can’t believe you, you are so lame!” He said giving me a light push as if he was trying to playfully knock me off of him. I started laughing and had to remind myself to settle down before they heard.

“I was really hoping you wouldn’t catch on to that.”

He shook his head jokingly, “You’re such a dork,” he said pulling me down. We laughed together, for what felt like the first time in so long we laid with one another, tangled up in sheets and sweaty, genuinely sharing laughter. I wished there was some way I could permanently store this moment in my head and never let it go. I knew full well that I wasn’t supposed to be with this man, I knew in everyone else’s eyes he was the enemy but to me, he was nothing but Levi, the straight faced, always swearing, short and crude man that I loved unconditionally.

“How long do we have to stay like this?” I questioned simply, allowing my fingers to play with the ends of his hair. I didn’t even have to specify my sentence, he knew that I was talking about this sticky relationship of ours. Right now, we were not technically together since I could not really claim him as so. It was like we were on a break but still completely dedicated to one another.

“For as long as it takes,” he answered confidently.

“Then take the necklace back,” I wanted nothing more than to rip the key that now resided on my neck and deliver it back to him.

“I can’t. I won’t. I told you, I’ll take it back when the time is right and it’s not right now,” he said lowly, looking away from my face. I pouted.

“You know I’m not giving it to anybody else ever so you might as well just take it.” Levi didn’t say anything, I knew he wanted to become a better man first but it’s been a week already and we’ve been clean. Shouldn’t that be enough?

“Don’t try and rush things. It’s not like I’m going to up and leave you, I’m still here. I will always be here. In the meantime why don’t you try focusing on other stuff?”

I rose an eyebrow, “Like what?” I didn’t understand what could be more important than the standing of our relationship.

He shrugged and shifted a bit under me, “Like school maybe. Apply for some colleges, focus on graduating…Don’t you have any big events coming up? You only have like three months left and then you’re done.”

That was true, only three months left of high school and then I was done for good. Of course there had been many events happening at my school but I had missed almost all of them in my time being with Levi. That and doing the drugs. However, there was one last major event that I could think of.

“Prom,” I spoke lightly cranking my neck up to look at him. The moment that the word escaped my mouth, I watched carefully as a sort of dead expression crossed Levi’s features, the darkness in the room only intensified the look. “I want you to be my date.” I paused and began to imagine it with a growing smile on my face. “We could wear all black. No, blue tuxes! And I guess since we’re both boys we could both wear a corsage, just to try and be traditional. Then we could rent a limo! And maybe even Hanji—”

“Eren, I don’t know if that’s the best idea,” he began to explain while I could feel the drop of my heart from within my chest.

“Why not? You’re my boyfriend and I want to go to prom with you. Are you honestly trying to say that I’m asking for too much here because it seems pretty rational to me.”

“I’m saying it’s a bad idea because nothing has changed,” he explained raising his voice a tiny bit. I blinked a few times not comprehending.

“Yes it has,” I said on the defense, “Levi we’ve been clean for a week. Do you have any idea how long that is for us? Usually we would’ve already been high at least three times today. We’re doing a great job. We’re—”

Levi placed a finger over my lips gently, hushing me. “We’re still only a week sober, yes that’s something to be proud of but we don’t get to gloat just yet. I told you before, two addicts don’t mix and even though we’ve been saints so far, that doesn’t mean that one of us won’t slip.” I didn’t say anything, I only watched him with my eyes trying to follow exactly what he was trying to say but was failing miserably. Levi must’ve noticed this and he removed his finger and continued explaining. “What would you do if I walked into this room right now with a bag full of weed?”

The answer was obvious, “We would smoke it.”

“Mhmm. And if you came here with cocaine what do you think I would do?” Another simple question.

“Inject it.” I answered truthfully.

“Exactly,” Levi said clutching both hands into fists. “That’s the problem right there that I’m talking about. The both of us are weak, we’ve probably only been lucky enough to last this week because both of us have been so wrapped up in secretly seeing each other, we forgot about it. But what happens if we start seeing each other again on the regular? What if we get bored and Hanji just happens to be telling us about this amazing new product she’s got? Then what Eren? What do we do then?” He was staring intently into my eyes waiting for me to give him my answer. I wanted to lie, to come up with some fable about how I would push the illegal contents away. I wanted to laugh and say this was silly and that I was completely clean and always would be. But I couldn’t. My silence spoke louder than the words I could have told him.

“I need to know that the next time you and I are together again, we can both be free. I want to be someone that you can dependent on and the same vise versa. I can’t be with you if I have to worry that one day I might come home and find you overdosed on the couch. I want a normal, apple pie life with you Eren and nothing else.”

I didn’t even have to ask, basically he was saying that if neither of us had our shit together completely by prom, he would not be my date. So then that lead to another question. “So, what happens if we fail? Does that mean that we..?” I couldn’t even say it. I dared even think about us being over for good. The very implication was enough to have my mind running wild.

Levi reached out and ran his hand along my face slowly, with precision soaking in my face. “We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.”

Levi didn’t actually say it aloud, but I inferred what those words meant. If things somehow took a turn for the worst and one of us slipped up, we would not be together ever again.

Levi tilted his head and glanced at my clock and saw that it was past midnight. “I should go,” he said beginning to sit up while I climbed off him and scooted away. The bed creaked as he swung his legs over and stood up stretching as I watched his naked form.

“Are you sure you can’t stay just a little bit longer?” I asked reaching out and hugging him from behind. It took everything to convince him to even come over here and stay with me just for a little while and it hurt like hell that he was leaving already.

“Your dad will be home in 20 minutes or so, I need to get a head start,” he said using his hands and loosening my hold on him. Instead of going straight for his clothes, he turned around and laced our fingers and lowered himself kissing my forehead chastely, then my nose, and finally my lips. “You’ll see me again, this wasn’t the last time. I promise,” I nodded, as his eyes told me he was being completely truthful and I mentally whined when his hands left mine.

I watched as he stepped through the leg holes in his boxers and pants as they were perfectly aligned and scooted them up his legs. Next, I took in the sight of him taking his fuzzy gray sweater and stretching it over his head, flexing his back muscles before they were covered. Lastly, he came back sitting next to me on the bed to tie up his black combat boots on his feet. When he was finished he turned back to me, “Give me your phone,” he instructed holding out his hand.

I rolled backwards and hung off the bed finding it in the pile of clothes on the floor on my side of the bed. Once I grabbed it I rolled back and tossed it to him, I watched him plug in a bunch of digits fast then put the phone down. “I gave you my new number,” he said.

I scrunched up my face, “It was stupid getting rid of your old one,” I sassed. Levi just let out a gust of air from his nose and looked away standing up.

“You’re probably right. It’s impossible for me to stay away from you. Being by myself just isn’t acceptable anymore, not when I know who’s out there waiting for me. It’s torture,” he looked back over at me warmly for only a few moments before heading over my window. “C’mere,” he called wagging a finger at me.

Like an animal caught in a trance, I was by his side instantly and just as quickly his hands were on my shoulders bringing me to him so that our lips met. It felt as though with this kiss, we breathed all the love that we had for one another into it. It was soft; fierce; cool, and over far too quickly for my heart to handle. A few giggles were exchanged as I helped him climb out of the window and watched as he crept away down my driveway.

If I wanted this relationship to last, I could have no slip ups. I would not fail him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you as always for reading this heavy story, I know typically people like to read bubblegum AU's and this one is a bit on the gloom and doom side so thank you. This story means a lot to me and it's nice knowing others appreciate it too, as always, I'm tracking under both tags 
> 
> fic: torture 
> 
> torture ereri
> 
> Have a great week and see you next Tuesday!


	25. Rebellion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The truth is soon be revealed

I don’t understand, how in the hell did all of this happen? How did things get this way? This wasn’t how I arranged my day to go whatsoever. I had plans, damn it. I had only thought of it as a quick event, not _this_. I guess the best way to decipher this mess was to go back at least three hours ago where all of it began.

 

Three hours ago

“You want to _what_?” I asked for clarification closing my locker. Armin was standing next to me being his usual bright and sunny self at this ungodly hour of eight am.

He repeated himself just as jollily as before, “You heard me. Me, you and Mikasa should get together and do something fun after school.”

I had to admit I was highly suspicious. In the past, hearing Armin toss and idea like this would have been superb but now, after all that happened I had to imagine else wise. I suspected that the only reason he was offering something like this was simply because they both wanted to keep tabs on me and make sure I didn’t see Levi or worse, slip back into drugs.

I just shrugged my shoulders, and tucked my English book under my armpit shooting him a glance. “What exactly are you trying to do?” I asked prying for info. It had been exactly two weeks since I had last had a chance to even get close to Levi and I had to admit, I was cracking. I even missed Valentine’s day with him because of these two. Levi felt that the both of us needed to get better apart, and so he left my rehab and went to another center. I had been calm all this time but now I was starting to break.

Armin shrugged, “I was thinking laser tag possibly. Quick, simple, and to the point.”

Hmm, laser tag huh? It was a time like this that Armin cracked me up. Had he forgotten who was the reigning champ on Call of Duty Black Ops? Did he forget that it was me who used to demolish the killing streak on live with Resident Evil 5? He should know better than to challenge me with laser tag. It was on.

“Alright, the usual place?” I asked thinking we would be going to the classic place called Laser Quest that was nearby. Armin gave me a thumbs up and it was decided at that moment. For this short amount of time, I would destroy both him and Mikasa in laser tag and then I was going to head off and see Levi. Or at least, that was how my plans for the day began.

 

Current time, three hours later

“Armin,” I began, back hunched and hair completely frazzled. “Just how the hell did this happen?” I asked obviously referring to the guest arrangements. I was under the impression that this whole laser tag adventure was only going to be just the three of us. But somehow, it felt like the entire chunk of seniors tagged along.

Armin laughed a bit to himself and turned his back to me, “Ask Mikasa, I didn’t tell anybody.” And so that was exactly what I did.

“Oh, well I only told Annie,” she had said. And so then I walked across the arcade filled lobby room of the place to get to Annie.

“Don’t get mad at me, when Mikasa told me I was standing next to Bertholdt and he heard everything. Maybe you should ask him what happened,” she said directing me off once again across the room as she continued winning tickets.

“Oh, well I thought it sounded fun and well, you know,” Bertholdt began scratching the back of his head bashfully. “Reiner asked me did I have plans and so I kind of told him about this and when I did that he just invited himself.” Damn you Reiner.

This was getting annoying as hell! I was literally bouncing from person to person trying to figure out how my small plan of laser tag had somehow turned into a mass party.

“Don’t look at me bro,” Reiner began defending himself as I caught him near the drinking fountain, “I’m just here to have a good time, nothing new. I don’t know where all the other gay couples came from.”

“I don’t see what the issue is anyway; don’t you want to hang out with all of us? We’ve barely chilled since the school year began,” Connie said throwing in his two cents in the conversation coming over hand in hand with Sasha.

“It’s not that, it’s just,” I began tucking my hands in my pockets and looking up toward the ceiling. Not that I had anything against them but this just wasn’t what I wanted. I had made plans in my head of possibly finding some way to slip away from Armin and Mikasa to go see Levi but now that we were in this massive group, I would never get out alive. They would _all_ be watching.

“God Eren, don’t hog all the gay,” Ymir teased coming by following behind Christa.

“Ymir I’m not gay,” Sasha said casually to her.

“Eren’s gay?” Christa asked finally allowing the gravity of the conversation to dawn upon her.

“No, Eren’s not gay,” Connie defended for me quickly. Then he turned to me pointing a finger and uplifting an eyebrow, “Wait, dude are you gay?”

“He’s gay, look at his pants. Abercrombie and Fitch? Totally gay,” Ymir commented giving me a large Cheshire cat smile. Ughhh. Mental note, Ymir is my target once we get inside the game.

“I’m not gay,” I lied. No one needed to know that I was fucking queer as hell. Good to see Reiner and Bert weren’t keeping it a secret anymore as Ymir had basically called all of us homos.

“Buuuuuullshit,” the freckled gay said flatly crossing her arms.

I was just going to retort, say something to shut her up but just at that moment I heard the announcement come over head, “ _All players with the green card report to the game room. Its your turn to play._ ”

I didn’t even need to ask, I already knew all of us were going in at the same time. I slipped away from the group and headed over towards Mikasa who was just standing alone waiting for our group. “Well, did you figure out what happened?” She questioned me talking about my previous adventure.

I shrugged my shoulders and brought up both hands, counting on one finger and so on, “Hmm, let’s see. Armin told me who thought it would be a good idea to tell you and for some reason you told Annie who happened to be next to Bertholdt who told Reiner and big mouth fucking jock Reiner told Christa and Christa told her scary girlfriend Ymir and Connie was eavesdropping so he heard and tagged along with Sasha!” I was completely out of breath by the end of my rant and all Mikasa did was bat her eyes at my explanation.

“Man, word gets around fast huh?” She joked coming forward and nudging me. I have never wanted to choke her more in my life.  I never get the chance to though, because just then the door to the laser tournament opens and outcome the old contesters, and in we all go.

There’s two sides, the room is black lit and on one side there is a neon yellow bench and the other is a bright green that reminds me of seaweed. Half of us split up and sit on the right, the other one the left, and then our instructor makes his appearance.

“Holy shit,” I know that voice, all of us did, and we weren’t wrong about the source. Standing there in khakis with a black belt, and a dorky baby blue shirt and a nerdy alien nametag was Jean.

“Dude!” Reiner hollered out standing up on his feet and holding his hands up in the air.

“Oh my god no,” I heard Armin breath under his breath and turn away with his cheek in hand.

One look at Jean’s face and I can already see he feels horrible. He hasn’t hung around any of us for a while now, in fact, it was almost like he disappeared. We all had assumed that he was dating somebody else but instead here he was working in this preteen dumpster. And what were the chances that of all the days today, the one day when I was trying to hardcore escape, we would run into him?

“Um,” He begins suddenly getting very uncomfortable, staring directly at Armin. But when he sees Armin makes no pass to even acknowledge him, he drops his head and straightens his face out, sucking it up. “Alright, who here has never played laser tag before?” He asks, as part of his job. I watch as very slyly, Ymir raises her hand and dodges when Christa scolds her to put it down. Jean straight faces her clearly not in the mood, “Ymir shut up, you know how to play laser tag.”

Ymir cocked her head back and brought her hand to her chest as if she was truly offended, “Whoa, sounds like we need to call a manager in here, this employee doesn’t know how to treat customers,” she said pointing a finger at him and relaxing backward like a smooth panther. Poor Jean.

Jean brought his hands up in his hair and groaned upward into the air and speedily went over the rules, I was scared he might bite his tongue he was speaking so fast. “No running no jumping no crouching no roughhousing no sweating no yelling no gay activity,” he said rushing through them all.

“Is that last one really a thing?” Sasha asked looking around confused.

Jean walked over and touched the button, showing us the room to pick up guns and vests, “It is now,” he said grumpily. “This is a solo match so no teams.” He added in knowing damn well that with all these couples people would be doing it anyway. “Now, go kill each other. Make sure to shoot Ymir.” He added as we all stood up.

“Gotcha,” at least four of us said together. Wow, it was good to know I wasn’t the only one who secretly had it out for Ymir.

We walked into the room and I watched as everyone seemed to huddle in and put on their vest. It was sad to see how hard Jean was eying Armin only to be ignored. I wondered if things would ever be okay between them again, I hated to admit it but I actually missed the times we would all be together. I wondered if things would ever be the same as the day we all went to see The Goddesses. Probably not.

“Jean I—”  he put up a hand silencing me.

“Just go play your game,” and with that he pushed the button and shut the door between us.

 

_Please, save me from this virtual hell_

Just as I hit send, my vest was buzzing and vibrating against me. Somebody had shot me, again.

“That’s right baby! Who’s the baddest bitch in town!!” Sasha screamed giving Connie a high five as they bounced off. Damn, it was unnatural how idiotic those two could be in real life, but the second the smoke screen crossed our eyes they turned into warriors. I’ll give them that much, they were a power couple in laser tag. My phone buzzed and I was quick to check it and smile.

_Are you kidding me? They’ll shoot me on sight, I’ll never make it out with all my limbs_

Oh Levi, and that awful sense of humor. I laughed to myself and typed away feeling like a giddy school girl. But I couldn’t help it, I missed my boyfriend damn it and literally all I wanted was to kiss him, not play this stupid game. I was about to respond back when my phone buzzed again and my eyes were reading away,

_Do you think you can sneak away tonight? I need to see you; it’s been so damn long I’m starting to forget your lips against mine._

And just like that, so simply, my heart was bumping and was on the verge on breaking out of my chest. It was the little things like that, that Levi said that just made me want to just roll around happily on the floor. Of course, I was going to try my absolute hardest to escape this play date. All I needed was an opportunity. Just one small opening…

I needed to play along.

I sprang up, crouching so that my head was poking over the obstructions to hide behind and looked through a peek hole. The coast was clear but that didn’t mean shit, not in a game of survival like this. Everyone was hiding, staking out specific areas and just waiting for someone to be stupid enough to run out into the open field. Time to get serious.

I dove out, rolling on the ground tucking the gun into my side and instantly several beams of red were shooting out directly at me. I was like a cat, bobbing and weaving through all of the fire and locking onto the origin of the lasers shooting right back. I aimed my gun feeling like a total badass and shot with precision upward at a mirror, watching as the beam bounced back and reflected hitting someone directly in the chest.

“Damn it!” Connie screamed out, like he was really wounded in battle.

“Noooooo!” Sasha yelled out dramatically and I had to admit, thought I wasn’t having fun at first now I was.

I ran, going up a ramp and no doubt straight up into someone’s territory. I slowed my roll once I made it up top and crept along, tip toping so that I wouldn’t be discovered. I know I was only playing along so I could hurry up and hopefully sneak off with Levi but in the meantime, I might as well win bragging rights at this game.

I charged out from behind my hiding position and began shooting blindly at the two shadows in front of me, through all the thick mist. From the obnoxious color flaring of one vest I knew I had gotten them and it wasn’t long until I hit the next person.

I was shot a few more times running from base to base, and got a few sweet shots in myself more than once. As all this was happening, I was experiencing something inside my heart. The more I laughed with them, the more we joked around, the feeling grew stronger. It was a wild, indescribable sensation of youth. No real worries, no pain, just being a stupid teenager and running around with friends being crazy because that’s what you’re supposed to do. Have fun. This amount of fun, I don’t think I had genuinely felt it in a long time, not without Levi by my side. And I think a small part of me missed this, the feeling of not having to be dependent on someone else solely for happiness.

I ran, escaping an ambush attack from Ymir and Reiner and turning the corner. The moment I did though, two girls jumped up and aimed guns directly at my glittering chest plate. It was over.

“Surrender or you die,” Annie called out to me stepping closer.

I held my head high, like a man who knew he was taking his last stand, “Then I guess today is the day I die.” I said bravely, knowing I was facing the end of the game.

Mikasa shook her head, displeased with my answer, “I’m sorry Eren, you did this to yourself,” and with that being said, she lined her gun up and shot me, dead in the chest causing my vest to go into a frenzy of vibrations rocking through my chest to my lungs. I brought up my hand and faked as if I had really been hurt and was dying, Mikasa came up and playfully smacked me in the arm.

“You’re such a dork,” she laughed smiling brightly. I don’t think I had seen one of those on her in a long time.

“I’m just having a lot of fun,” I confessed placing my gun in the holster as a loud buzzing noise began and bright lights above turned on. To my disappointment, the game was over. Aw man, and I still wanted to crush their butts a bit more. I was about to ask them what rank they thought they would get when a sudden realization clouded my brain, “Hey, did you guys see Armin at all? I don’t think I ran into him once.” It was true, not once did I shoot him or notice him hiding.

We all began walking out and heading for the exit doors and while listening to what Annie had to say, my eyes wandered away and by chance they landed upon exactly what I had been wondering about. Tucked away in a very discreet crevice of the room, were Jean and Armin, posted up comfortably against the wall facing one another and conversing. No malice was in either of their faces, no resentment, just two people who looked like they enjoyed each other’s company. Maybe, just maybe, there was still hope.

 

In the end Ymir ended up coming in first place and I came in third after Sasha. I personally thought it was bullshit considering I was practically Rambo in there but whatever, maybe another time. I walked away from the huddle of my friends and made my way over to a solo Jean who was playing around with the pinball machine, trying to made sure that it worked properly as some kid had complained about it.

“You know,” I began casually leaning onto the machine he was crouched down on fixing, “I think the biggest surprise today was finding out that you worked here. When did that happen?” I had been authentically curious about his whereabouts. Jean stopped screwing around with the hunk of metal and rolled backward, sitting on his butt.

“Eh, before I didn’t really have time for a job, being in a relationship and all, I was always busy. But you find out that after being dumped, you don’t really have a lot of stuff to do anymore. You just get alone time you know? So I figured in the midst of my miserable suffering, why not just get a job and preoccupy my mind to get it off this regretful shithole that I’ve dug myself into. And so, here I am, working like a god damn slave, at Laser Quest.” He stood up, wiping off his pants from being on the ground, then made stern eye contact with me. “How are things going with them? Have you regained trust yet?” He asked referring to Armin and Mikasa.

I titled my head and gave a suggestive nod, “It’s better than when I first woke up but not really, they still keep over me like a hawk. I think that’s the whole reason they wanted to come here. It’s like they both don’t want me to be alone because they think I’ll just go running back to doing drugs,” I explained waving my hand around casually.

“Or back to him,” Jean threw in lowering the angle of his head to have a better look at me.

“Right,” I sarcastically agreed, “Because all of this is no one’s fault but Levi’s. Come off it will you? I don’t need to hear this from you too,” I semi snapped on him. Jean held both hands up as if he was pleading not guilty.

“Hey, I’m not trying to give you shit, I get it. I think I know better than anyone how tempting bad things can be. Scale of one to ten how much are you falling apart without him?” He asked me, completely serious. It took me less than a full second to respond.

“A twelve.” Jean made a humming noise in the back of his throat.

“Yeah I know that pain,” he agreed and tried to side step me to walk away from the conversation but I couldn’t have him doing that. Not yet, first I had to execute my plan.

“Wait Jean,” I beckoned turning my body around to face his. He half adjusted his body to me. “There’s something really important I need to ask you. A favor.”

His sigh was heavy, filled with exhaust. “Eren no. Whatever it is you want my help sneaking around with, count me out. I did it once and you saw where that got me. I’m not doing it again,” his body was shifting yet again, but I couldn’t allow it to happen. He was my only shot, without him I wouldn’t have a snowball’s chance of seeing Levi anytime soon.

“Jean please, I know the last time we had secrets it fucked up a lot of stuff but this time it’s different.”

“Oh yeah? How?” He didn’t seem fazed by my words but instead seemed to be mocking them.

I swallowed and began my campaign for his assistance, “Okay well for one, we don’t do the stupid shit anymore. No more getting high, no more fucked up shit, we’re clean. We’ve been clean for a solid month now almost.”

“Eren, that’s great and all but a month isn’t credible enough. Nothing has changed. Who’s to say that you guys won’t get doped up the next time you’re with one another? I can’t be a part of that circle of lies again, your death was almost on my shoulders and I’m not doing it again just because you say things are ‘different’.”

He didn’t believe me, what I had just said literally rolled off of his shoulders like he paid it no attention. But what made it worse was the look in his eyes, they had complete distrust. They had no faith. He didn’t believe in me at all but he had to, because he needed to understand.

 I bit down on my lip, the same ugly habit that I had for so long whenever I felt angry and thought I would draw blood but I fell short. I focused my mind, centered my tongue and tried once again, “I say,” I began pointing towards myself. “I say that we will _not_ get doped up again okay? I don’t want that shit in my life anymore, even if I did, I can’t ever have it back again and you know why? Because _Levi_ , the guy no one seems to have any trust in here, says that if I slip up, we’re done. One fuck up from me, from either of us and our relationship will cease to exist anymore. Now I know I’m a past addict, I remember the feeling of being high off my ass and feeling like I could fly but I’m willing to let all that go just to be with him. I _want_ to be with him, and I will be. We’re stronger than this and I know we can make it through. We have faith in each other and are striving for the best, now all we need is a little faith from _you_.”

It was all we truly needed. Just for someone to see that though we had made a mistake in the past, we were both trying to get over it. We were two people, hopelessly in love that just happened to mix the wrong shit in with our romance. For some it was abuse, for us it was drugs. But we were trying to progress, why punish two people that were at least trying?

Jean’s eyes looked conflicted, the line of his mouth quivering slightly showing me the instability of his mind on my pressing topic. “I don’t know Eren. I just—”

But it was my next words that struck him conveying my message brighter than the sun, “You and Armin can have a second chance, why can’t we?” They were allowed to mend things between one another, they were allowed to direct where they wanted their relationship to head next and yet we weren’t.

Jean’s eyes grew twice their size if only for a moment before returning back to normal and from the slightly lowering of his eyelids and set jaw, I knew his decision had been made. “Tell me what you need.”

 

Even though it was still winter time outside, it was safe to say that the nights were getting a tad bit warmer. I still needed to be dressed in my coat though, beanie hat and gloves to accompany me but there was nowhere near as much snow outside that December brought with it. No, now the night air was still, no harsh breeze blowing violently, just a light breeze that carried my feet along as if it were leading me straight to him. I anxiously followed the wind, hearing what was left of leaves not wet from snow scattering across my feet and pushing me closer to him. There he was, standing in the night park with hands tucked inside his coat pockets with no hat on.

“Levi!” I called out excitedly as I raced across the lot and felt my heart nearly burst when he turned around. Just as beautiful as ever, possibly even more since the last time I had seen him and definitely more since the first time I laid eyes upon him. I was going at top speed; I couldn’t slow down my body’s excitement. He reached out his arms, taking on a ready stance and caught me, lifting me up on him as I latched my legs around his waist and buried my head into his coated shoulder while he spun us around a few times. One inhale, taking in his scent that always made my soul feel at ease. “I missed you,” I whispered into him wrapping my arms tighter around his neck.

“I can tell,” he joked subtracting one hand that was holding me to run his fingers through my hair. The feel of his hand upon me, feels enchanting. I will never get over the chill my body receives whenever he touches me. I’m a bit sad when he returns it back with his other to hold me up.

I pull my head back, separating it from his neck and with both my hands I cup his face, holding it still. We look into one another’s eyes, transmitting our undying love for one another before I roll them into the back of my head and move forward to claim what is mine. So we kiss, surrounded by trees and shrouded by the darkness of the night. How ironic, it seems like the majority of our relationship progresses in the darkness. Maybe it’s where we belong. Either way, the kiss is just beginning to get heated when suddenly we hear faint shouts at us.

“Fags!” Someone shouts. I pull apart from Levi and the both of us glance over at some older couple. They both have white hair and are at least in their sixties. It’s funny how judgmental and rude most old people are, and then they always question why no one ever comes to visit them.

“What you’re doing is a sin! You’re going to hell!” The old prune of a woman shouts next. The park is mostly isolated, but there are other young couples walking who stop to see the commotion. I blink a few times, feeling the rising pressure in my gut. I’m so sick of all of these people that barely know us judging us.

With pride, and all the finger strength muscle I have I lift my arm up high in the air with my middle finger extended as far as I can get it to go and with great bravado I shout, “Fuck you and your bifocals grandma!” I can feel the rumble of Levi’s chest underneath me and faintly see the laughing forms of bystanders who are starting to disperse.

The old couple still stares, gawking like they can’t believe what I just said. “Why I—I ought to call the police!” The woman retaliates glancing at her husband hoping for backup.

“Do it!” Levi yelled antagonizing her. “Ain’t nothing wrong with love bitch!” He hollers adding proper emphasis on the last word.

Both of the elders cock their heads back and look around as if they expect support from someone, anyone. And to both our surprises, no one helps them but instead giggles and leave them hanging. Realizing that they finally have no purpose they both stomp away, not looking back once. Good riddance.

“Eren?” Levi calls and I turn my attention back to him after staring at the backs of that couple.

“Hmm?” I respond airily.

“I love you,” he said warmly looking as though he had just fallen in love with me all over again. I smile and laugh to myself holding him tight as he walks towards the swings.

“I love you too baby.”

 

And so, we sat there on the same swing, Levi facing the right direction and me sitting reverse on top of his lap doing idle swings back and forward, just talking and holding one another.

“How did you even manage to slip past security?” Levi asked me obviously speaking about my overprotective friends.

“See it’s really weird but we ran into Jean at the laser tag place and basically I convinced him to lie for me.” A smile overtook my face as I recollected my lie from earlier. “I had Jean tell them that he needed help with AP chemistry so he needed me to stay over for a few hours and bam, now I’m here smooching you.” Levi’s lips upturned at the corners and he poked my forehead.

“You think you’re hot shit, don’t you?” He teased knowing I was getting full of myself. I grabbed at his hand that poked me and held it tight, with a mocking grin.

“I _know_ I’m hot shit,” I said getting close to his face.

“No, what you are is heavy, we’re gonna break this swing,” he said looking up at the hinges on top and listening to them creak as we swung.

I pretended to be offended, “Are you calling me fat!?” I said throwing a dramatic hand over my chest.

Levi just shook his head and looked up at the stars, “You know, something tells me we’re gonna be just fine.”

I knew what he was referring to, and I felt the same way too. We would make this work. Our love would outweigh our weakness against the addiction.

“I told you,” I agreed easily. “There is nothing for us to worry about. My rehab center is talking about throwing us a party. They say that everyone is doing really good and they even gave us these,” I explained going into my pocket and pulling out a fake golden coin that read ‘one month clean’ on it.

Levi eyed it considerably, “Wow, and what’s the next thing going to be? A sticker with Elmo on it?” The sarcasm was suffocating in his tone. My eyes went flat.

“Don’t make me twist your nipples,” I threatened straight faced.

Levi’s faced registered slight concern if only for a slight moment, “You wouldn’t.” He tested me.

I rose an eyebrow, “Try me,” quickly I brought my hands up and went for his nipples through his coat. Levi couldn’t stand it, he spazzed out and before I knew it we were both flipping out of the swing and straight to the ground harshly. Luckily, I landed on top of him and was perfectly safe from the cold ground.

“You freakin’ suck,” he said trying hard to resist smiling but failed. I just loomed over him feeling the spirit of youth and love in my heart and sighed happily.

“It feels like we’re in some Katy Perry music video or something,” I said throwing Levi off completely underneath me.

“Okay, usually I can follow your train wreck mind but that one you’ll have to explain.”

So I thought for a moment of the best words to describe it with, “Uhh, let me think. Well, it’s like we’re being rebellious. Sneaking out to see each other and saying ‘fuck you’ to old ladies. All we need now are some cupcake bras,” I said thinking of the music video for California Girls and how wacky it was.

“After all the shit we’ve done and you think _this_ is the most rebellious? Have we been living in the same world?” He asked sounding bowled over.

“Yeah well, the other stuff is ancient history,” I said coming down and kissing him once again. We could make this work. I knew we could do this. I had faith.

 

Walking back into my house was the same as ever, nothing new. I came in and made sure to lock the door behind me as I closed it and discarded my coat. I had just taken my shoes off and barely rounded the corner when I noticed something odd. Grisha’s shoes were at the front door. Fuck. What the hell was he doing home, he was usually at work during night time.

When I looked into the kitchen, there sitting at the table were the three of them, Grisha, Mikasa, and Armin. My heart began to quicken its pace on sight. I was busted, they knew. Oh my god, they knew and they were going to take Levi away from me as soon as they noticed I was home. I had to get out of here.

I turned on my heel and prepared to high tail it out when Grisha called to me. “Eren, son come have a seat,” his voice sounded grim, unstable as if he were a shell of a man speaking. I was dead. Levi and I were over and we hadn’t even done anything wrong.

I whirled on my heel and crossed the kitchen sitting down at the table, trying to act calm but it was impossible. Each face at the table looked as though they had seen a ghost. “What’s wrong?” I asked just waiting for them to all tag team me, to break me down. But what was actually said was so mind crippling, for a moment I thought I had went brain dead.

“I just got off the phone with Detective Erwin Smith. They got him, the man that murdered your mother is finally going to trial.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These last few chapters are going to be hectic, stick around for the ride I promise it'll be worth it. Incoming drama bomb starting next week. Thanks for reading guys! I appreciate every comment (i wish i could reply to them all) and kudos! They make me very happy :) Have a nice week everyone, see you next Tuesday


	26. Apple Pie Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In just a few weeks, it'll be time to meet his mother's killer face to face. But is Eren ready for it?

Was this real? These words, they were the exact sound waves that I had longed to hear for so long. I had thought they were out of my reach. I thought this day would never come, and now that it was here I…

I felt cold.

“Eren? Are you alright?” Grisha asked placing a hand on my shoulder, shaking me lightly to help center me. I blinked after what seemed to be a thousand times and looked at him, voice trapped in my throat. What was I supposed to say? What was the proper way to react to this news because I didn’t know.

Both Mikasa and Armin looked composed, as though they were cracking underneath the surface but held themselves together outwardly. But I was never that way; I was never one to hide my emotions so well.

“I,” I began losing my voice yet again. “I don’t know.” The person who was responsible in my eyes for my downward spiral over the months was caught. But Erwin had said that he was caught months ago. “I just don’t understand.” I said feeling so robotic.

Grisha slid his glasses up from falling down his nose, “Back in September though they had a suspect for the crime they didn’t have the right evidence to prove that it was him. Without anything proving him guilty he had been wandering the streets as a civilian all this time. Now, results from the lab match his DNA and it’s confirmed, they got him.”

All this time, all of this damn time that murdering man has been walking freely as if he didn’t commit a heinous crime. As if he didn’t destroy the very foundations of my life. But now they had him, he was booked and his trial was starting soon and the system would get him. He was going down; the sick bastard was finally getting what was coming to him. I didn’t know if I should be ecstatic that the day of justice was finally here or enraged that it took so long to arrive. It didn’t matter, because only one question needed to be asked next and then I would need nothing more.

“When is the trial?” I asked, trying desperately to keep my self-control.

Mikasa looked to me, eyes flooded with sorrow and answered softly. “March 30th. Your birthday.”

 

“Okay Eren, just calm down,”Levi stressed to me through the phone. After hearing the less than favorable news, I managed to sulk away from the group and escape to my room. Within seconds I was blowing up Levi’s phone anxiously awaiting an answer. Finally, he had picked up and just my luck he was working the night shift. All I heard was the loud obnoxious sound of heavy metal clashing against one another in the background.

“I’m trying, trust me I am but,” I stopped and bit my lip. I felt as though I was in shambles. I had thought that I would be prepared for this day, I had thought that I would at least be mildly excited but instead, I felt my blood pressure rising and my heart acting dramatic inside my chest. “Levi I can’t, in a few weeks I’m going to be looking into the face of the man who killed my mom. Her _murderer_. I can’t just calm down. God, I feel like my head is going to explode,” I began pacing around the room and substituting my nails for my lip and started gnawing. “All I need is one smoke and then—”

“No,” Levi laid down firmly, those words invoking a certain urgency from him. “You are _not_ smoking shit, drop that thought right now. You are stronger than that Eren, remember we’ve been clean a month.” His voice had softened at the end and I knew he wasn’t trying to be hostile with me, rather he was concerned. Levi didn’t want me to fall off and end up back in the same horrible slope I was on.

“I’m sorry,” I said sighing and plopping on my bed, placing my face in my free hand. I was being weak, unbearably so but it was difficult not to. I was feeling like my world was shattering around me all over again at once. The very foundations I had rebuilt since that fateful day were crumbling again and as a result, I was unstable. “Can you just—come over or something?”

He was silent for a moment and I waited uneasily for an answer. “Eren, I can’t leave work. I only have an hour left; do you think you’ll be okay until then?”

I nodded even though he couldn’t see it, “Yeah, maybe, I don’t know. Just please don’t leave me alone. I don’t want to be alone…” I sounded pitiful, not once in all of our relationship had I come off this dependent on him, this needy. But damn it, tonight I could not hold it in, even if I tried.

“Alright, lay down,” Levi instructed with a nurturing voice. I did exactly what he said, not bothering to take off my clothes but just fall down on my side and scoot my legs up. “Now, take a few deep breaths,” I closed my eyes and breathed in, and then out. In, and then out. I repeated the process over for a few more times before Levi spoke again. “Are you comfortable?” He asked.

“Yes,” I responded feeling like I was at a trip to the doctor’s office. “Hey Levi?”

“Hmm?” He hummed. Just the vibrations of his voice entering my mind was calming me down. It was smooth, not unpleasing to the ears. There’s something about the voice of the person that you love that really settles the mind and makes you feel fine.

“Can you play a game with me?” It was a stupid request, I know. It felt like a very childish thing to ask of him, and I was half expecting him to shut me down entirely and tease me about my outlandish desires.

He chuckled, “I’ll do anything to make you feel better.”

I smiled into my pillow, “If you could have any superpower for 24 hours, what would you pick and what would you do with it?” I had no idea why that was the first thing that came to mind, but it did. I wanted to lighten the mood, and thinking anymore about the pressing topic at hand was only making me feel worse. I wanted to escape, and if I couldn’t do it with drugs anymore, I would just settle for these distractions.

Levi snorted, “Easy, invisibility. Then I wouldn’t have to sneak around like a thief in the night but just walk right through your front door to see you.” That made me smile.

“Okay your turn,” I said tucking both my arms under my pillow and relaxing.

He paused and I heard a thoughtful hum coming from his throat, “If you could slap one celebrity in the face and not get in trouble, who would it be?”

That was easy. “Justin Beiber. He’s corrupted the minds of twelve year old girls for too long.” Now it was my turn to think. “Oh, I got a good one. What’s the most embarrassing song you have on your iPod?” Now this I was really curious about. I had never heard Levi listening to anybody but serious rock artists, I wondered what he had up his sleeve.

“Ugh, okay this is really embarrassing and normally I would lie about this but since it’s you, I won’t. But don’t laugh.” He warned, too late I already was.

“Okay I promise I won’t,” I agreed crossing my fingers.

“I still have ‘Who let the Dogs Out’ on my iPod and I love it. I can jam to that song any time of the day no matter what I’m doing,” the fact that he sounded so proud about that make me crack up hard. I tried to cover my laugh in the pillow but failed miserably and just let him hear it. “You fucking liar!” He yelled at me teasingly.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry but _that_? I was not expecting that!” I defended myself still laughing.

“Okay, _my_ turn,” Levi cut in. “If the zombie apocalypse came true, and you could only have 3 supplies, what would they be?”

I wandered around my mind for a moment thinking of something until it hit me, “Toilet paper, chap stick, and you.”

“I don’t count, I’m not a supply,” Levi said ruining that.

“Okay then switch you for lube,” I corrected.

“What the hell do you need lube for?”

I smirked, “Well if I can’t have you and if I get horny, I’ll just have to fuck myself.”

“Oh my God,” Levi said sounding 110% done with this conversation.

“Says the guy who probed his own ass in front of me,” I reminded him thinking of that first night we had MDMA.

“Hey, I was high off my ass that doesn’t count!” He said defending himself quickly.

“Whatever,” I laughed then got serious for a moment thinking of what to ask him. It was nice speaking to him this easily, just pretending that reality didn’t exist and only these silly questions mattered. But that didn’t stop the weight I felt on in my chest, the pressure. My mind had conjured up another question, this one less joking and more serious. “If you could repeat one instance of your life, what would it be?”

Of course I had asked him that because I already knew what the answer would be for me. I would go back to the beginning, before my parents even spilt up. Somehow, I would stop them from doing it, I would make my dad stay and dedicate my life to making sure that he protected her, that he was her shield. It all sounded like a fairytale.

“I would repeat the first time I met you,” he answered smoothly. I almost dropped the phone off my ear with my sudden jerk movement.

“What?” I double checked, just to make sure I was hearing things right. There was no way he would answer that question like that. I sat up, twisting my body and holding the phone with one hand, legs dangling off the bed.

“You heard me right,” he reassured, “I said I would relive my meeting with you.”

So my imagination hadn’t been running wild. Still though, “I don’t get it,” I said placing my hand over my face and shaking my head, “Levi, you are someone who has dealt with so much in your life. All the unnecessary hurt, the trauma, a shitty childhood, your friends…life has literally screwed you over and of all the things you could go back and replay, possibly change, you pick meeting me?” My voice had risen considerably at the end executing just how shaken up I was about that. I couldn’t believe him, even though this was just a fantasy question, a joke, he was throwing away a great opportunity within it for me.

“Everything you said is true,” he admitted, sounding as though something was pressing at his mind. “I did have a fucked up life for the most part, it’s nothing to brag about that’s for sure. But you know what I think?” He paused and I waited, patiently. “Eren, everything that comes my way, all that I touch has been destroyed. That has been my life every single day for the past ten years straight, just one huge downward spiral of misery. And then the one day, the day I thought everything was over and that my life had completely fallen apart, that I had no one left to care about me, along came a dopey eyed brat who forgot his ticket. To you, I am happiness. To you, I matter. To you, I am love and _that_ is why I choose to relive that day. It was the day that I gained something far more valuable than drugs, money, sex, you name it. It was the day I glimpsed into what true happiness could be, and nothing in this world matters more to me than that.”

I had no words, all I felt was burning sense of content erupting inside me spreading throughout me. It began in my toes, and traveled through my legs, up my torso, and engulfed my heart. I was overwhelmed with an urge to cry but not because I was distressed, but because I had never felt so loved. “I didn’t know I was _that_ important to you,” I commented wiping away a lose tear that escaped.

“You’re not just important, you’re my world. I’m not just living for myself anymore, but for you too. You are my life; I will never care about anything on this planet as much as I care about you.”

I was such a pansy, the tears were coming. “I can’t stress the word ‘ditto’ enough right now,” I said causing Levi to laugh at my childish approach of a response.

“ ‘Ditto’ is good enough for me. Close your eyes Eren, try and rest your mind. I’ll be there in a little bit. Just have your window unlocked for me.” He instructed speaking in the light manner, as if he was speaking to a small child. Gentle, something I appreciated much at this moment.

“Already done,” I replied closing my eyes, feeling the exhaustion overtake my body. Before I can even manage a reply, I’m fast asleep.

 

Levi POV

I wasn’t kidding when I said I wished for the power of invisibility, for someone vertically challenged like myself, it was hell climbing up through this window. “Why couldn’t I be born a 6 foot man? Why mother nature?” I asked jokingly to the sky before bracing myself for the jump.

I squatted a few times then leaped, catching the ledge of the window and with all my upper body strength, hoisted myself over, sliding the screen over to make room for myself. Once I successfully tumbled my way inside, I turned back around and got on my tippy toes to cover my tracks, making it appear as though the window had never been tampered with.  Then I turned towards the bed and saw Eren.

Lying flat on his back, drooling, and snoring like a bear was the boy I had just professed my undying love to only an hour ago. Still fully clothed, in a navy blue t shirt and blue jeans sprawled out on the bed, taking up all the space. Typical.

First, I discarded my shoes. Next, I removed my coat and made my way towards his bed continuing my stripping session. By the time I reached the side of the bed, my body was stripped enough to leave me in only blue boxer briefs and a white tank top. I didn’t waste a moment of time, I climbed into the bed settling on my knees and proceeded to unclothe the snoring brat below me. I hated when Eren did this, it made me feel like a mom unclothing him but if I didn’t, he would sweat, and if he sweat, I would roll in it, and if I rolled in his sweat I would scream.

“Mhhmm,” Eren grumbled as I rose his arms and slid his shirt off his head. Just my luck, it got stuck around his massive head.

“Damn it,” I whispered tugging a bit harder, it was a battle between me and the cloth on his body right now. I changed up my hands, gripping tighter and gave one huge pull finally yanking the shirt off. I thought Eren, would fall flat back on the bed like a zombie, but instead arms linked behind my neck and pulled me down with him, startling me.

“You came,” he said not even opening his eyes. Our noses were touching, my hair falling off of my head and onto his. Eren was smiling, not with his teeth, but just faintly with his mouth. “That makes me feel better,” he confessed loosening his hold on my neck and tracing his hands lower, till they wrapped around my waist.

I didn’t say a word, nothing had to be said. By this point, there wasn’t a thing I wouldn’t do for Eren. Besides, what kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn’t show up when my love was clearly in distress? A horrible one, that’s what. I rolled off Eren, tossing his shirt off the bed and onto the floor. Something both Eren and I had a bad habit of doing. I dropped off my knees and adjusted into Eren’s hold, facing him and snuggling as close and possible returning his embrace back. It seems like this had been our life lately, sneaking around, meeting at odd hours of night, doing everything in the shadows praying we wouldn’t be caught. They say what’s done in the dark will always come to the light, I hoped this was not one of those instances.

“It’s crazy, don’t you think?” Eren said suddenly, voice still plagued with hoarseness of slumber.

“What is?” I asked trying to figure out what his train of thought was.

“All this time…all this time I dreamt of this day. I saw it when I was sober, when I was high, it was what my thoughts always wandered off to because it was the one thing that haunted my mind.” Eren was practically whispering and I had half a mind to think that he was still asleep and that he was dream rambling.

I brought up a hand, brushing away loose strands that would invade his eyes should he decide to open them. I didn’t want to speak and interrupt his speech, even though I had no idea what the fuck he was talking about.

“And now that the time has come, I have never felt more lost in my entire life.” His eyes opened slightly, and he cranked his neck up just a tad in order to look me directly in the eye for the first time tonight and it was then that I understood. Instability. Fear. Confusion. Each of them running chaotically through his eyes and transmitting to me. His hands left from my waist and found my chest, knotting their way into my top and gripping tightly. His face looked disheveled. I had thought Eren would’ve calmed down after a nap, but the opposite was in favor tonight. “Levi, I don’t know what’s going to happen now. I’m about to be face to face with the guy who fucked up my life. I’m going to be looking into the eyes of a killer Levi, a malicious killer.”

He seemed spooked, I could feel the light trembling of his body coming onto me and it made my heart pang. I stroked his back and bumped his forehead gently with mine, hoping some more contact would cool him. “Are you scared?” I questioned. It was rational for any sane man to be, I wouldn’t blame him.

Eren lowered himself, curling up and loosening his hold on me after a few controlled breaths. “I am, but not because I’m scared of seeing him.” He admitted, striking a cord inside of me. “No, I’m not afraid of him at all. At first, I didn’t know what I felt. I didn’t know if I was over it and willing to let his crimes go. I thought I was upset, that’s why I slipped away from Mikasa and Grisha, and just sat alone in the dark. But then, it hit me, just a little bit after I went to sleep. There is only _one_ emotion I feel right now, just one.” The manner in which he was speaking, the trembling of his hands, it was terribly unsettling. “Rage. I have this burning, sense of blinding rage in me that I can’t tame. All I want to do is rip that guy’s fucking head off and hear him scream, begging for someone to help him just like my mom did…”

This conversation was growing dangerous, it was molding into something that was morally wrong. My hands were quick, leaving his body and gunning for his face, gripping it tightly and turning it upward forcing him to look at me. “Eren, what are you saying?” My heart was racing, Erwin had warned me about this, he told me that I needed to look out for Eren and that he was unstable. I knew that, I thought I knew just how far that instability ventured but apparently not.

And suddenly, it all clicked. Through the one tear that trickled down his cheek, I was able to comprehend just how much he had been suffering. That lone tear turned into a few more, and then a dozen, and before I knew it he was full on sobbing. “Levi, I’m angry. I’m so angry,” He cried, squeezing onto me. “I hate this man. I hate him so fucking much and that’s all I feel. I’m not sad, I’m not scared of him, if anything I’m scared of _myself_. I don’t know what I’ll do once I see this guy because right now, if he walked into this room right now I wouldn’t even hesitate. I would kill him, in cold blood. I _want_ to kill him. That’s fucked up isn’t it? Does that make me a horrible person?”

He sounded so broken, like he had contemplated this in his mind numerous times and each time he ended up with the same result. The pain that he was displaying to me, the torment he had been going through in his head, facing all alone. It was similar, it reminded me of the countless battles I fought inside my head for years, wishing that I was killed instead of my friends. I knew that level of grieving and I knew that amount of self hatred.

A faint smile came onto my lips, there was nothing to be happy about but it was more for support. I used my hands delicately, stroking his cheeks gently and forcing him to look at me, through all the tears.

“Eren, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you for feeling that way. Don’t you ever feel ashamed about your feelings. You know, I had this kooky teacher way back when, and she told me some advice I’ll never forget. You want to hear?” I don’t know why but the sudden recollection of that woman came into my mind and Eren nodded, awaiting my continuation. “Whenever I would get mad and literally want to beat the shit out of my classmates, she would always say ‘it’s perfectly fine’ and she told me that her methods of dealing with people she was angry at was killing them in her head. She said, ‘it may be illegal to kill someone in real life but not in my mind,’” I said tapping a finger at my temple.

Thank you, Mrs. Bernstein, she had no idea how useful those words had come in handy in my life. Eren remained silent, only bringing up the back of his hand and wiping away at tears. “You had a pretty fucked up teacher,” he said throwing some humor in making me smile. There he was, returning back to his old self right before my eyes.

I shrugged, “Yeah well, it works. You have no idea how many times I’ve fake killed Hanji in my head. There aren’t enough fingers in the world to keep count,” I said absentmindedly running circles on his chest with my right hand, while the other remained on his cheek.

He laughed, lightly and slightly rough from all of the crying. But I didn’t care, I just loved seeing him happy. As long as Eren was happy, then so was I.

“So you really don’t think I’m weird?” He asked once again for reassurance. I sighed and flicked his cheek.

“Not one bit.” I responded back swiftly and confidently. I’ll admit, for a second there I was scared, I had thought Erwin would be right for the second time but I had proven that wrong. Eren was not a killer, that much I was sure of. He just didn’t have it in him to do that.

Eren exhaled, releasing a hefty amount of air and scooted closer to me, traveling his arms around me tightly and resting his head in my chest safely. It was odd, even though I was the smaller body here I felt as though Eren was a tiny child that I was taking care of. I felt like I was in charge of him, this time unlike before, I wouldn’t fail him.

“I would be nothing without you,” he whispered absently against me.

I had been with so many different men, had unhealthy amounts of sex, told guys that I had loved them, but up until now I never realized how much it was all nothing. _This_ was love, right here with this boy. This was my soul mate and I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life, until we were both dusty and wiping each other’s asses in a nursing home. I hadn’t been lying when I told Grisha my feelings, I loved Eren more than words could ever say, all I could do was show him.

“Ditto,” I said copying him from earlier and laughing, kissing his forehead covered with hair. He replied back by kissing my neck, small pecks ranging from different spots but all filled with equal amounts of love.

“I just wish there was some way that you could go with me. For moral support, I just feel comfortable having you by my side.” He confessed losing his playful side yet again.

I pondered that thought, “I do too. But we all know if Grisha sees me, he’ll have the K-9 squad on my ass,” I said stating the obvious. I wanted to be there with Eren, undoubtedly, but with Grisha in the way it only sounded like a fantasy at this point.

I heard him humming against my chest, no doubt rummaging through his brain for some sort of solution. We had risked enough just for me to be sneaking in through his window, what harm could showing up to a court case do?

“The trial is on my birthday,” Eren said sounding as if he had just made a new discovery. I only blinked.

“Okay, and this is news how?” I asked not quite catching on to what he was going on about. Eren rolled his eyes and pulled back looking up at me with new eyes. Not sorrowful anymore, but fierce, determined.

“I turn eighteen on my birthday, and you know what that means?” He said sounding confident. “Eighteen means I’m a legal adult, which means that Grisha has no say over anything that goes on in my life as long as I’m not living under his roof.”

“But you are living under his roof,” I clarified.

Eren looked bashful, glancing away and speaking slowly, “Well, see I was thinking that maybe, if it’s okay with you, I could just move in with you.”

Automatically, I was on the defense. I had just made one hell of a convincing argument to him not too long ago about how we shouldn’t be together, about how it wasn’t best because at the end of the day we were still weak. I thought I had stood my ground, I thought I was strong enough to walk away from him and work on myself alone. But at the end of the day, being alone was miserable, and if I could have him by my side I would gladly take that.

I exhaled heavily through my nostrils and shook my head from side to side, “I’m cool with it, but no drugs. I mean it Eren, I’ve thrown everything away so I’ll know if you sneak in anything. If I catch even the smallest grain—”

He cut me off quickly. Acting frantically as though his dreams were being shattered right before his eyes, “I know! No drugs Levi, I can do that. I promise this time things will be different, just like you said you wanted them to be. We’ll both be clean; we can have that apple pie life you talked about. We will have it,” he sounded so convincing and I could feel my heart reaching out for him. He was presenting my dream, offering me my desires that I had craved with him for so long now. How could I pass it up? Besides that, more importantly I believed him. I knew I could trust him.

“Okay,” I said agreeing with him. In just a few weeks everything was going to be fine, we were going to be moving in with one another, both sober and having nothing but the uncertainty of the future ahead of us. I was prepared for that, because I wasn’t alone. Not anymore.

 

Eren POV

Let the countdown begin.

There wasn’t much time left, very soon the day of reckoning would be here. Very soon, I would be cramped inside that small court room watching, analyzing the trail of my mother’s death. It was almost over, my mind was so close to being at peace and my mother’s spirit at rest.

“Mr. Jaeger?” Upon hearing my name, I shook my head and refocused my vision. Numerous sets of eyes were gazing at me, someone new as there were newcomers as the days continued, some the same old faces I remembered from my first day. I was in rehab, sitting in the usual circle, listening to the same old stories.

“Sorry,” I apologized for my spacing out. It was safe to say that I had more pressing matters on my mind than listening to people’s stories about how they either failed their clean streak or succeeded. Only minutes ago I had seen the instructor take away someone’s badge for being clean forty one days, they broke. I secretly wondered if I too would be like them, or if I could continue to excel in my goal. I hoped for the ladder.

“It’s fine,” Mr. Woerman said brushing it off. “Why don’t you tell us some things that are going on with you Eren? Do you still keep in touch with Mr. Ackerman?” Of course he would ask that, after all it was not too long ago that the both of us had caused that scene in here. No one knew any details about what was going on between us, but they knew enough to know that we had something more than a casual relationship.

“He’s great,” I said clasping my hands together and flat lining my lips. “Still clean, we both are. We plan to keep it that way,” I finished up. Even though I had been coming to these sessions for a considerable amount of time now, that didn’t mean I necessarily liked having all the people prying into my business. It was uncomfortable.

“That’s good, good,” he mused wiping away at his shoe as his legs had been crossed. “Any other recent events? Anything at all? We really do welcome good news,” he was being friendly and I knew he was just doing his job trying to be nice and welcoming but I didn’t really appreciate it.

“Oh c’mon, you’ve been coming to these session and every time you always keep your mouth closed,” a red headed woman with freckles said next to me. Based off of the sinking in of her skin around her cheekbones, I could only guess that she had been doing crystal meth or someone sort of hard drug in the past. “It’s not fair to the rest of us. We’re supposed to be a family here but you won’t let us in. Open up will ya,” she encouraged causing everyone around us to nod in unison, agreeing with her plea.

I tried to shake my head in disapproval but everyone started chanting my name. “Eren, Eren, Eren, Eren!” They sang in harmony , repeating the phrase no matter how many times I waved off their advances.

“Alright alright,” I finally agreed caving in and turning their chants into claps and cheers. I cleared my throat and placed my hand on my chest in taking a vast amount of air, filling my lungs. The encouragement had fallen flat as everyone had turned into mice, awaiting for me to tell my story quietly. “Okay so, for starters, how many of you guys heard about the death of a woman names Carla Jaeger a few months back? It was all over the news, the house was burned down to the ground along with the woman inside.”

A few people rose their hands, actually a hefty amount just as I had expected considering Milford was kind of a close not city. “Well that was my mom, she was murdered. From what I was told by the police, someone threw a Molotov bomb into the house and it exploded and my mother was crushed, underneath the roof before being burned alive.” I didn’t want to look up, so I focused my eyes on my hands in front of me and I was slouched forward in my seat. I already knew the stares I was receiving, pity. I didn’t need that, I despised it when the kids at school did it and even now I would not stand for it.

“On March 30th, I’ll finally be going to court and seeing that sick son of a bitch pay for what he did. It’s been a long time coming, so long I thought it would never come, but it’s almost here.”

I looked up now, everyone was watching me awaiting me to say something, get emotional even but that wasn’t going to happen. Because just as I had told Levi earlier, there wasn’t a shred of sadness left in me anymore, just an endless pit of wrath brewing for one man.

“And are you ready for that day? Emotionally?” Mr. Woerman questioned for everyone in the room. I met his eyes and did something I hadn’t expected to do at all. I smiled, feeling every bit of twisted and unstable in my mind and noticed how he cringed, unsettled by it.

“Absolutely.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What is Eren thinking? I guess you'll have to wait and find out! As always I would like to thank all you beautiful readers who tune in every week for this tragic story. A biiiiiig shout out to the people that have been following since the early stages of this story! My heart nearly bounces out my chest every time i see the kudos increasing and comments! Thank you all so so much, know that you are all appreciated


	27. Lose Control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time for the trial

_“I just don’t understand,” I had exclaimed, wiping the fresh tears from my eyes while still sniffing. She had said it once, but my brain had rejected it. I was only ten years old, but I had heard that word in class a few times. Other kids had said their parents were getting it, but I never thought it would happen to mine. “You and daddy are getting a divorce?” I asked, voice cracking and feeling as though the ground was coming undone underneath me._

_My mother had been sitting in her bed, tears stained her cheeks as well as she sat contently underneath the covers with the bible in her lap and both hands crossed over it. “Yes sweetie,” she cooed. Both Mikasa and I had been standing next to her bed, hand in hand listening as the crashing news hit our baby ears once again._

_“Is it my fault?” Mikasa asked, tears leaking. “Is it because I came here?”_

_“Oh sweetie no,” my mother said coming forward and somehow managing to scoop us both up and slide us onto the bed with her. She hugged us tight, keeping us close to her chest and rested her chin on both our heads. “It has nothing to do with you two, you are both perfect children.” I remember faintly, feeling the cold sensation of my mother’s tears soaking through my hair and settling on my scalp. She was trying to be so strong but in reality, she was broken too._

_I pulled apart, asking her the one question that remained fixated on my mind, the one thing I was most concerned with, “Will we ever be a family again?”_

 

“You alright back there?” Mikasa asked breaking into my daydream or rather, my mental trip back into the past. That’s right, today was the day of the trial and I was sitting in the back seat of my father’s car while he drove and Mikasa had shot gun. How could I have spaced out like that, and to such an irrelevant memory at that. Time had answered the question that my mother could not answer and it was no, we would never be a family again. Not all of us.

“I’m alright,” I reassured using my hand and tiding up my suit, getting rid of any creases. I had decided to keep it plain today, just a white buttoned up shirt with a standard black tie. The key was tucked safely underneath the shirt. I left the jacket unbuttoned though, maybe it was because of the grim mood in the air but, I just couldn’t work up the energy to command my fingers to work. It wasn’t a big deal anyway.

“There’s going to be a lot of press there,” Grisha reminded us both as he kept his eyes focused on the road. “I don’t want either of you to feel uncomfortable so last chance, if you want to go home tell me now so I can turn around.”

“No,” I said quickly shutting down his offer. I would not turn away from this, it would be like turning away from my actual mother. I was going to see this, live, and watch as this man was thrown away to rot like a dog. Hopefully, getting the death penalty.

“Alright then,” Grisha said a bit uncomfortably but continuing the silence as we drove. I found comfort in it, I was done acting as though everything was alright when clearly it wasn’t. In fact, things were so extreme emotionally for me that I had turned to drugs until that blew up in my face. Now I just wanted silence, no sweet talk, no distracting conversations, just justice.

 

From the very moment we pulled into the parking lot of the courthouse, I was overwhelmed. I knew the media would be here, but not like this. At least eight different news stations were crowded outside the stairs, all reporting the same exact story along with interviewing random civilians. We parked, and stepped out of the car preparing ourselves for the herd that might attack us. Mikasa wiped down her grey pencil skirt, and then her white blouse and hung her head high, slinging her purse over her shoulder. She was trying so hard to be strong.

“No matter what they say, don’t answer. Just keep walking,” Grisha told us both as he fixed the positioning of his tie. I was typing away on my phone, sending out one last message before I would completely ditch the device.

“Understood,” Mikasa responded like a soldier. And then, we were marching, making our way through across the parking lot being noticed by the people instantly. I tried to focus my ears only on the sound of Mikasa’s clicking heels, and nothing else. Focus.

“Just now, the family of the deceased is making their way into the courthouse,” A news anchor woman announced waving at her crew to aim the camera at us. I shot it a meek look and glanced away when I locked eyes with the lens. Focus Eren, the heels.

“Mr. Jaeger! Is it true that you abandoned your family on this day?” A man asked throwing a microphone is Grisha’s face. He ignored it and kept walking. How did they even get a hold of that sort of information?

“Ms. Ackerman! Is it true you don’t have any blood ties with this family? Are you really adopted? Or perhaps are you the girlfriend of Eren Jaeger there?” A brunette reporter this time. Mikasa played it cool and bumped the woman with her shoulder insisting on getting by.

“What do you wish to see unfold today?” Another hollered.

“How long have you dreamt of this day?” Another one.

“Is the life sentence something you’re hoping for today?” Once more.

But there was one question, just one that unlike the others that had all blended into the same sound frequency with one another, I heard loud and clear.

“Eren Jaeger, is it true you were supposed to die alongside your mother that day?” Freeze. Everything around me, all of the commotion, all of the flashing lights from cameras, the questions, everything had frozen. Was that true? Was I supposed to die that day? And if I was, then that mean that this was all my fault and not Grisha’s then right? It was _me_ who should’ve been home to protect her. It was _me_ , I was the only male support around the house. This was my fault. Her death was my—

“Snap out of it!” Grisha commanded giving my arm a jerk and pulling me through the last stretch of crowd. “Those people are heathens; they’ll do anything to get a better news scoop than their competitors. Don’t listen to them Eren. The news is mostly full of lies anyway,” Grisha explained trying to comfort me as we walked through the doors of the courthouse. I looked back, glancing at all of the chaos outside these doors one last time and glanced at one specific camera, before the doors shut.

“Eren,” I heard the cool sound of my name in the air and was not disappointed of its origin. He was dressed in all black, a suit just like me, except he looked more put together and less disoriented. His undershirt was a rich blue, accompanied with a black tie and also unlike me his jacket had been buttoned up allowing it to fit him proportionately.

The first thing I did was move my feet, they were quick as I controlled my speed walk and the moment I collided with him and felt his arms around me, I released a tense breath I did not know I had been holding. He held me, stroking my back for comfort until he pulled back taking a step, and looking up at me. He brought up a hand and fixed my hair a bit, God it was so comforting to look into those collected grey eyes. “Are you alright? Did the press give you hell?” He asked, concerned about my well being.

“They did.” I admitted, taking hold of his hand that was in my hair and grasping it. “You should’ve heard some of the shit they were saying. I couldn’t believe—”

But then, someone cleared their throat extremely loud, disturbing my sentence and ending it. We both looked over, having forgotten we were not alone but were smack in the middle of a lobby. His hand fell from me, but I never let it go, I just held on tighter refusing to let go of him and be separated once more.

“What the hell is this?” Grisha exclaimed using his hands and dramatically motioning towards us. “I thought I told you to stay away. I could have sworn I made it perfectly clear that you were never to come around this family again.” He was upset, not livid or even raising his voice, I don’t think Grisha had it in him. Mikasa just watched, awaiting some sort of response as well equally confused.

“There are police everywhere,” Mikasa stated glancing around at all the officers in the building of law. “All it’ll take is to call one over and you’re gone.” She wasn’t being menacing, just simply stating a fact.

I was about to open my mouth and object, tell them both to suck it when Levi stepped forward rising up our intertwined hands up at shoulder level. “Then call them,” he said defiantly, words never wavering. “Call over every damn officer in the building because you’ll need them all to get rid of me.” He paused and waited for either of the family members to reply but when they stayed silent he continued. “I respect you Grisha, for loving your son enough and wanting to keep him out of harm’s way but trust me when I say I am _not_ a danger to him. Not anymore, and I swear on my life that I never will be again because this,” he shook our hands together, emphasizing them. “This is something that I’m never going to give up again. This is love, and come hell or high water, whether you try and separate us or not we will always find a way back to each other.” He lowered our hands, but kept holding on and shrugged his shoulders. “So call the police if you want to, take me to prison. You won’t tear us apart because what we have will never die.” There was bark in Levi’s tone, an undeniable protectiveness had shrouded him as he tried to veil me from my father’s hatred of our relationship.

Was Grisha going to let us be, or was he going to call the police?

He glanced between us, once and then twice, then once more before his eyes fell to our hands. They were trembling, because even though we had talked so large that didn’t mean we weren’t afraid of what he would do.

Grisha sighed, bringing up a hand and centering his glasses on his face before turning his back to us leaving us all confused. “You’re eighteen anyway; I can’t control your life anymore.” He stated simply, but not before adding, “I just pray you do right with it.” With that, he stepped forward heading into the large doors leading to the trial and Mikasa followed reluctantly. I glanced at the clock, noting the time. It was almost time for it to begin.

“You ready?” Levi asked me, gripping my hand for support.

I inhaled, embracing the coolness of fresh air traveling through my lungs before releasing it and responding, “I’m ready.”

 

The courtroom is packed. There’s plenty more people here than I thought would be, you would think this was a national case. Thank goodness it wasn’t. We were sitting fairly close to the front, front row I guess if you don’t count the benches for the District attorney and defendant. Whispered murmurs were going all around the room, some people openly staring at me. Grisha, Mikasa, Levi, and I all remained quiet. I wished I could bite my nails, but then again I didn’t want to look even crazier than what I already was. Weed would be perfect right now, well, if we still smoked it.

“Deep breaths, remember?” Levi said turning to me. He had been rubbing my knee reassuringly as I think he could sense my oncoming discomfort. I looked to him, doing my best to fake a smile.

“Okay, I got it,” I said practicing what he preached right then. I heard the doors shut, and looked at the clock. It was time.

The doors from the sides of the room opened, allowing the jury to enter the room and arrange themselves in their booth, the bailiff entered the room as well, taking his spot next to the podium where the judge would be and opened his mouth reciting words I had heard so many times in television shows, “All rise for the judge,” on cue, everyone in the room stood like soldiers and I watched fixated as the man in all black made his way to his look alike throne. I read his nametag, Judge Nile Dok.

Once he sat down, we all did the same mimicking him. And that was when we heard it. Shackles, clear as ever ringing noises from chains in the room. Suddenly, the room was unbearably hot. In an instant, my body was perspiring and my palms felt cold even as Levi held onto them trying to give me support. The murderer was walking into the room down the aisle, he was behind me and yet I couldn’t get my head to turn around. My body was paralyzed, locked in place and shaken with anticipation.

“Breathe,” Levi whispered, not glancing at me but reminding me. I did as he said once again, but the second the man’s face came into view, my hand slapped over my mouth as all I had was an uncontrollable urge to vomit.

I retched, people glanced at me sharply, only the people next to me concerned. Then, he looked at me, along with Detective Erwin who was guiding him along. The killer was someone I had known for years. Someone that my mother had trusted, that the community trusted. Our trusted pastor, that I had been baptized by when I was young. Pastor Nick.

“Oh my God…” I whispered, with growing eyes. Erwin pulled out the chair, as Nick could not do it with his hands cuffed, and helped him sit down. However, when he rose his head, he made direct eye contact with me and absolute pity was displayed in them.

“Nick Grimes,” Nile went on putting on reading glasses and shuffling through papers on his desk. “Today you are on trial pertaining to the conviction of the death of Carla Jaeger, is that correct?” Nile asked looking at the vile man.

He nodded grimly, “Correct.” He even sounded the same. He appeared the same man, sounded like him, how could he be the murderer?

Nile made an approving nod of Nick’s statement, and then proceeded to pick up his gavel. “Let the trial of Carla Jaeger begin. Let us begin with what the DA has to say,” He said turning his head in the direction of Erwin.

“Thank you your honor,” he said standing and holding documents in his hands. “Last year, in mid-September, we received a phone call from frightened neighbors. Numerous calls came in and they all reported the same thing, a blazing fire on Stoness Ave at the address of 23308. But one phone call in particular, gave a new perspective to the sudden fire. They reported that there was a man, middle aged and Caucasian, that had caused the incident making this not an accidental death but a homicide. After searching the crime scene, we believe we have enough evidence to convict our primary suspect, Nick Grimes, or rather Pastor Nick, of the murder.”

My hands were trembling, I felt as though I was going insane or rather, like I was trapped inside a swirling nightmare that was endless. This was not what I had imagined. I had thought the killer would be someone different, with no relation to me, a cold blooded mercenary type, but this? This was someone who was close to us, someone who we prayed with on several occasions, even had dinner together as a church community. This made absolutely no sense.

“Present your evidence,” Nile commanded. Erwin put the papers down and brought out a bag, filled with contents of shattered glass.

“This was our first clue; we found it on the crime scene. It’s a Molotov bomb that was tossed into the front window of the home. When we discovered it, there were no prints but it was still a clue hinting to a homicide.”

“Objection your honor, this information has nothing to do with my client,” the attorney for Nick, a woman, intervened. She was a rather short woman, with a short bob cut of blonde hair. Her face was youthful, but her eyes were the fiercest I’d ever seen with their icy blue.

Nile held up a hand towards her, “Mr. Smith, I fail to see what the point of this discovery is,” he spoke honestly not necessarily siding with the woman but also not understanding.

Erwin smirked, like a cool headed man he was and proceeded. It was hard to believe someone like him was only a detective, he could be so much more. “I was just about to explain that your honor,” he gave the woman a sly look then pulled out yet another bag, this one having black material on the inside. “Not too far away from the home, approximately 3 miles, we found this pair of discarded gloves in a dumpster of a different neighborhood complex,” He held them up for all to see. “After one quick trip to the lab we were able to link the DNA on the inside of these gloves to Pastor Nick here.”

I shifted my eyes, glancing over at Pastor Nick to see his face. Surely he would have the look of an innocent man, he couldn’t do this. He was a pastor for fuck’s sake! “I don’t believe it. Pastor Nick wouldn’t kill my mother. He’s a good guy,” I said whispering to Levi who leaned over to hear me. “He doesn’t have murder in him. He—” I stopped, as though someone had slapped me roughly in the face I stopped speaking. I was saying all these nice things about him, I was trying to root for his innocence, but his face read differently.

He was hunched over, eyes squinted in what appeared to be anger and he was chewing, rather, biting into his bottom lip with such force I actually saw a string of blood flow down. He looked like a rabid animal. “I’ve seen the faces of innocent men before,” Levi remarked staring at Pastor Nick with disdain. “And he looks nothing like it.”

“Objection your honor!” The woman shouted again stepping forward. “Finding fingerprints of my client means nothing, that could have easily been his neighborhood trash that you stumbled upon and finding his gloves doesn’t equate to anything.” The lawyer shot Erwin a look of pure scorn, one would think that these two were rivals with the glances they kept giving one another.

Nile banged down his gavel and looked from the powerful woman, to the tall blonde man, “Proceed.”

Erwin nodded, “You’re right, it would mean nothing had we not also found traces of the material these gloves were made out of on the Molotov glass here as well.”

That was it. With that one sentence, it was as if the entire atmosphere of the room had shifted. People in the jury, people sitting in the audience, everyone. Eyes that were once sympathetic, looking at Pastor Nick with pity were now judging, including mine. We all had faith, we believed that a man with as good of a title as his could never do this, never. But we were wrong, and for me that realization was almost enough to send me hurling over the edge of sanity.

Pastor’s Nick’s attorney appeared disheveled, as if that was a piece of information that she had not been prepared for. The look of absolute rage that she exchanged with Pastor Nick told that she was furious with him for not informing her of that.

“Your honor if possible,” she began holding up a finger and letting out a ragged breath. “I would like it if we could have a momentary recess so that I may speak with my client in private.”

Nile looked incredulous, “Denied. Mrs. Brown, feel free to present your evidence against Mr. Smith’s accusations.” So that was her name.

“I—I don’t have any,” she said sounding defeated. It was unbelievable, not too long ago this woman walked into the court room looking confident in this case and her ability, and within less than two hours, Erwin had broken down her walls. I guess she really hadn’t been prepared for that bomb shell of evidence to be dropped.

“Well in that case your honor,” Erwin said holding up a hand in the air, face deadly serious. “I’d like to call Pastor Nick himself to the stand.

Not a single sound was emitted through the courtroom, it really was like the saying about a room so silent, you could hear a pen drop. My heart was picking up acceleration within me, my palms were growing slick within the hold of Levi’s. Erwin was a professional; he had all of his information down packed and it made sense why they allowed him to represent himself instead of hired help, the man was a genius.

But now it was time. The absolute moment that no one in the courtroom could’ve wanted more but me. It was time to let _him_ speak. It was time to hear the words out of his filthy mouth about the incident. Now, more than ever, was the time for the truth.

He stood up, donning an orange jumpsuit that inmates wear in country prison and was escorted by the bailiff over to the stand. Each footstep that he took rang louder in my ears and I was half temped to close my eyes and lay my head on Levi. More now than ever, I needed his support.

I watched, fixated as he used precise movements, almost like a robot and went to sit down. He placed his hand over the bible and began to swear that he would tell the whole truth and nothing but it. I don’t know why, but something about seeing this man, who looked so devoid of remorse swear on top of a bible so calmly, was igniting a fire inside me. He was on trial for a murder case that accused him of being the culprit and yet he looked so passive. As if he didn’t care. _That_ made me angry.

“Eren stop,” Levi warned me whispering in my ear sternly, “You’re crushing my hand.” He informed me. I was seeing red, violence splashing over and coloring my vision. He didn’t need to confess, because at that moment I knew. This piece of shit did it, he killed her.

I keep squeezing harder, I’m trying with everything in me not to let the rage win and run up and beat the shit out of this man. I’m so livid, I can’t even cry, nothing is coming out. My eyes are dry, but inside I’m falling apart.

“Eren!” Levi semi shouts grabbing my hand by the wrist and yanking it off his. I gasp, the sensation of him touching me bringing me back down. I look over to him, gasping and watch as he massages his hand that I damaged. I didn’t even realize.

“Levi, I’m so sorry,” I begin quietly moving to touch his hand but he jerks it away.

“How about you give this hand a break?” He suggests almost sarcastically trying not to appear angry. “Just use my right hand, it’s free,” he said awkwardly crossing his good hand over his bad and holding my hand. Later I would make it up to him, but now I had to focus.

“Now,” Erwin began. “Is it true that both you and Carla Jaeger worked in the same facility?” I had forgotten, that small piece of conversation had slipped my mind as I thought it was irrelevant but she did mention she worked with a man named Nick. But I had never imagined that she was talking about him, Nick is such a common name after all.

“Yes,” he answered easily, face showing nothing of his feelings.

“And is it also true that she had just been promoted while you were fired,” Nick’s jaw clenched considerably, and there was an odd twitch in his left eye that unsettled me.

“She did…” He hissed out finally showing feeling, it was bitter.

Erwin proceeded, “So then it was your glove—”

“I killed her.” He blurted out suddenly causing a ripple of gasps to form in the room, even from the jury.

I saw Mikasa’s hands come up and cover her mouth as they trembled. She was sobbing on spot, even though Grisha remained stoic and composed, his shoulders were shaking and somehow, a tear had escaped his eye. The impact of it colliding with his dress pants erupted my heart. He didn’t even move to wipe it away. He just silently cried for his lost love, the woman he would forever love, my mother Carla.

For me, it was like the entire room went white.

“I haven’t gotten there yet,” Erwin added obviously thrown off by his sudden confession as well. He looked down at his papers and tried to continue the case as normal but Nick wouldn’t allow it.

“It was me. I killed that vile woman. I threw the bomb in her home, I didn’t care if the kids were inside or not, I just wanted her to die. I wanted her gone and now she is.” No remorse, no guilty conscious, no sorrow. He was as cold as a serial killer.

“Why?” It was the only thing I could manage to choke out, as I felt the wetness overtake my cheeks. Levi had turned to embrace me, but I felt nothing. His arms were around me, trying to provide security and shelter me but it was too late. I felt as though I were dying, with every second that passed on the clock, pieces of me were fading. Every peaceful memory I had of my mother…they were flashing across my eyes in fragments. Her smile, her laughter, her kisses, her warmth. It was gone. All gone.

Even Nile looked as though he didn’t know how to react to Nick’s brutal honesty and ease about the nature of his crime. He appeared disturbed, almost sickened that this man had even admitted to attempting to kill kids. “Well,” he began clearing his throat. “I believe we have our confession.”

But time still hadn’t moved. No one knew what to do; each person only stared in abhorrent at Nick. Nobody knew what to say, how to act. Everyone was lost.

“Why?” I said once again, Levi pulling back and looking at me concerned. “Why?” This time louder causing the people and me to look. There was a stirring in my soul, it was like I had reached my limit. I was gone, my mind wasn’t controlled by me anymore, but rather on autopilot. Completely left in charge of my emotions. “What did she ever do to you? Why did she deserve this?” My voice was cracking, but increasing in volume until finally, I burst. “WHAT THE FUCK DID SHE EVER DO TO DESERVE WHAT YOU DID TO HER?” I was wavering; Levi was trying to hold me down as somehow my body began standing on its own.

I could feel every eye on me, they knew who I was, the son. They knew I was on edge. They could understand my pain, but that had _no idea_ what it felt like. They would never understand this crippling pain that was physically aching my entire body, poisoning my soul. They would never know, because this wasn’t their fucked up life to live. It was mine.

Pastor Nick was meeting my eyes, though his were not as enflamed as mine. That look of apathy was back, his eyes reminded me of glass, they only reflected what he saw through them but not anything of himself. This man had no soul, this man who was once of high religion, he was soulless. A monster.

“She had to die,” he said loud enough for all to hear. Then something on his face changed, his eyes grew and instability was clear on his features. His mouth trembled as it was apparent he was grinding his teeth causing that awful noise to ring throughout the room. “That woman mocked everything that I did. She _laughed_ at me and all of my ideals. She destroyed my work, my one chance to get further up in that company and got me fired. And what’s worse? _She took my job._ They were going to give her _my_ job, she didn’t deserve it! I had to stop that from happening, she was taking something that wasn’t hers. It wasn’t hers!” He was shouting, he was deranged.

The revelation of those words shook me. Not because it made any sense but simply because of how petty they were. How minor of a reason to take someone’s life. And not only that, but one thing was absolute, “You’re a fucking psychopath,” I spat out paying attention to no other being in the room except for him. Nile began banging down his gavel, time and time trying to reconstruct order but for me there was no such thing. There never would be again.

“We have to break for now, when we come back the jury will have a decision.”

 

The deliberation didn’t take long, at most it was about a twenty minute break to which I remained numb throughout the entire time. None of us had said a word to one another, Levi didn’t even attempt to lick my wounds. It wouldn’t matter, no matter what he said it would only be adding salt to the wounds. I wasn’t mentally stable enough to listen to simple words. I needed action to be taken, which we’re about to get.

We stood, everyone in the room as we awaited sentencing. Nick was back down next to his lawyer, cuffed and waiting patiently to hear his verdict. Nile was the only one who remained sitting in his enormous black cloak. He cleared his throat, shuffling through the papers and began to read aloud. “Nick Grimes, in the case of the murder of Carla Jaeger the jury has found you guilty.”

There was a small round of applauds through the room, but not from me. I already knew the obvious, I needed to know how he would suffer.

“Maximum sentence has been appointed for this crime. Searching through your record helped you, it was absolutely clean and with that the max time you are sentenced is seven years, no parole. You will be detained over the weekend in county and then transferred to prison.” He banged the gavel down making his decision final.

Seven years? That had to be a mistake. This man had killed someone, not just anyone but my mother and _that_ was the punishment he was receiving?

“That’s bullshit,” I said in a normal speaking voice.

“Eren, I know—” Levi began rubbing at my arm but I snapped away.

“No, you don’t!” I hollered at him. “He deserves to rot in prison for what he did! That’s not enough,” I began walking out of the courtroom rushing for the exit. It wasn’t enough. That would never be enough.

“Eren wait!” Levi called coming after me down the halls. “I know that’s not the decision you wanted but that’s what it is!” He yelled causing me to stop. I turned around slowly, looking at him wide eyed like a wounded animal. “Justice was served Eren. It’s done,” he said softly to me easing forward.

Was it really that simple? And if it was, then why couldn’t I accept it? Seven years versus the loss of a life seemed unfair, wrong. It was a mistake, all of this was. It was all one giant mistake that needed to be cleared up. And there was only one person that could do it. _I_ had to do something.

“Justice wasn’t served today,” I denied his words backing away and shaking my head, feeling the tears stream down. No, justice had not been served today, but on Monday, it will be.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, what will happen next I wonder...I've had this story done for weeks and I'm just itching for it to wrap up! Thanks for reading guys, I appreciate it oh so much. Thank you all so much for the comments and kudos they really do make my day!


	28. Relapse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren makes his first move

“It’s me again, calling you for the fifteenth fucking time, call me back will you? I just went through 2 packs of cigarettes in an hour and my hair is falling out. Bye,” I pulled my cell phone away from my ear and clicked the end button. Sure enough, there was a cigarette in my hand burnt down to almost the bud.

I hadn’t seen Eren since the trial. I had no idea where he went after it was over, but one thing was for sure, he was ignoring everyone. Grisha was freaking out, Mikasa was flipping tables, it was like the world was ending. I knew things were disastrous when they both actually tossed aside their resentment towards me just to find him.

I had half a mind to run straight to Erwin and put in a file on a missing persons but Eren would kill me if I did that. It was obvious he was angry, fuming over the deliberation. I can’t say I really blamed him, if someone came along and destroyed the foundations I lived upon; I would want them to suffer as well. Seven years was bullshit and the courts knew it, that’s the American legal system for you though.

I sighed, rubbing the stub out in my ash tray and flicking it in the garbage. I dragged my feet over to my couch and let go of the strength, just falling onto the cushions. I could only imagine all the feelings coursing through Eren’s heart at the moment. He probably felt lost, like he had nowhere to turn, suffocated even. I could sense how unstable he had been during the trial. After he left, Erwin had come over to us and after being congratulated by Grisha, he questioned why Eren was there.

In my head, the answer was obvious and the question was nothing short of idiotic. The boy was just trying to find closure, to finally have an end to a part of his life that was tormenting him. I remembered how in the beginning, Eren would cry, at random and I would hold him close and coax him with sweet nothings into his ears. I wanted to protect him, to help mend his wounds. I just wanted to be there for him. I still want that now.

I had told Erwin that Eren was fine, that he just needed time to cool off but he was skeptical of my answer. Erwin was always under the suspicion that Eren was a danger to society, that he was a troubled kid or something but I countered against that. Sure, he was damaged, what human being isn’t in some way or another, but there was nothing to worry about. Eren was coming back; after he had time to simmer down he would be back here in this room, in my arms. The same Eren that I had fallen for and not this monster that Erwin tried to paint an image of.

But if that’s how I really felt, then why could I not shake this uncontrollable fear growing in my chest for him? Why could I not tear myself away from the phone hoping that he would call me just once, to tell me where he was at least just some sort of update of his existence? And why was I dialing again right now and cringing when I got the voicemail once again?

I know why I feel this way; I know why I have this panic. It’s because I’m an ex addict, just like Eren, and I know better than anyone where the mind of an ex addict goes the second life becomes too much, when it feels like its crashing down.

“Eren,” I say into the voicemail leaving what has to be the fifth one, “I love you okay, please call me back. Everyone is thinking of you. I’m here for you, you dummy, so don’t—” I stop feeling myself choke up a bit at the thought of Eren slipping up with a needle in his arm in some shabby place alone and suffering, “Don’t do anything stupid.”

I hit the end button once again and before I know it, I’m lighting the next cigarette shakily, unable to steady the stick to the flame.

Please be okay.

 

Eren POV

I’m losing my mind.

My chest feels tight, it’s hard to breathe and each breath I take feels sharp. I’m cold, so cold, but I keep telling my body to endure it, just survive the weather because it has no other choice. All I have is my suit, the same suit I wore to court that day and my body warmth. There’s still snow on the ground, no wind is blowing, in fact its still. But I can still see my breath form before my eyes each time I exhale. I can’t go home; in fact I’ve just been wandering going as far as my feet would allow. I know Levi has been calling my phone, everyone has but I just can’t answer their calls.

What would I even say to them? I have no words; I can’t begin to explain the internal crumbling I’m feeling inside mixed with the instability. All I can see when I close my eyes is her face. All I can think of is how that monster is going to be walking like a free man in only seven years despite what he did. He took all of me, and he still gets to hold onto his sanity while I’m steadily slipping away. It’s not fair. It’s not fucking _fair_.

“Damn it!” I curse, hunching over on the bench I’m inhabiting outside of a coffee shop. People are passing me by, holding hands, laughing, smiling, enjoying what life has given to them. Why can’t I be like them? How can these people be this way? They are all smiling bright, completely ignorant to the devastating black hole consuming me, completely ignorant to others lives but their own. It infuriates me.

I was expecting the world to shut down, slow its pace and acknowledge my pain when in reality, no one cared. The judicial system didn’t care, Pastor Nick didn’t care, and the world didn’t care. This was just another incident that happened to an unfortunate soul, that’s how others saw it. As long as it wasn’t happening to them or their family, they didn’t care. But I care, and I can’t stop myself from caring.

That’s why I’m crying. I wish I didn’t feel a damn thing, I wish that just for one fucking moment I couldn’t feel a single emotion and I could just be numb to it all. I don’t want to experience this anymore, I’m not strong enough. I’m just not. For a fragment of a moment, I actually think back to my overdose and how I had been asleep for a month. For that month exactly, I had been asleep and checked out of the world. I didn’t experience any pain, my mind was just free. I wonder how it would have been to just…never wake up. To just embrace that slumber so that I wouldn’t have to be here for this. It would all be so easy.

But I survived, and I got to see him again. Levi. He would have been distraught had that happened to me, he wouldn’t accept it. Maybe me surviving was for him, a blessing so that we could stay together. That’s what I would like to believe. Levi doesn’t want this for me, this pain and suffering, he just wants me to be happy. But how can I do that? Right now, it’s so difficult, all I see is loss and I don’t know where to turn. The last time that I had an uncontrollable rush of happiness was when I was high.

_When I was high._

It dawned upon me. There was only one thing to do to restore the balance back into my life. Only one thing could be done that would please me, that could make amends to my loss.

Pastor Nick had to pay; someone had to make him suffer. And it was going to be me.

 

“Eren? Are you alright?” Jean asked me, creaking open the door while I was standing on his porch. He was dressed casually, red sweat pants and a white tank top with messy hair. He looked me up and down, his face scrunched up in dismay.

“I’m fine,” I lied. I was far from okay, but now that I had a solution, it didn’t matter. Nothing really mattered anymore. I stepped inside his doorway, side stepping him and brushing past already taking off my jacket.

“Hey hey hey!” Jean called closing the door cutting off the cold air. “What do you think you’re doing?” He asks me observing me like I’m a mad man. But then again, I am stripping in his living room not even caring who else is home.

I look back at him blankly, completely drained and emotionally dead inside. “I just need a change of clothes.” I state rather blandly. “Maybe like a hoodie and some sweats, nothing special.”

“And may I ask why exactly?” Jean further questions me. I don’t say anything, I really don’t know how to tell him that I’m planning on doing something illegal, so I stay silent. He continues, “Why does it always have to be my clothes? Can’t you just go home and get some? Or better yet, ask Armin or is he too busy with that hot shot boyfriend of his,” he said making a childish tone and face about Erwin. So, Armin had told him about Erwin’s existence but not that I was missing. Interesting.

We walked up the stairs and into his room, I casually waiting up against the wall in my undershirt and boxers while Jean rummaged through his belongings for something suitable. Finally, he turned to me and held up a massive green sweatshirt and black sweat pants. I inertly grumbled when I saw the hoodie read “Pardon me, but I think you have me confused with someone who cares.” Why he had all these clothes with horrible puns, I had no idea but I would take it anyway.

“Thanks,” I said grasping it and quickly sliding on both articles of clothing. Jean was a little taller than me, so they fit kind of loosely but that was fine.

“No problem,” Jean said shrugging his shoulders. “Hey, I saw on TV about the trial of your mom,” he began cautiously, looking me over as if he didn’t know if he should continue or not. I had flinched at the mere mention of it. “I’m sorry it was such a bullshit sentencing. But I mean on the bright side, it’s over now right?” He was being optimistic, it was as though we had switched roles from that day we sat in the boiler room of the school and talked. This time, I was the one who was untouched by kind words and he was the optimist.

I wanted to laugh in his face, not because it was funny, it wasn’t in the slightest, but because it was absurd. This was never going to be over, not until I handled things my way. That man was going to get what he deserved, but I made sure not to vocalize any of this to Jean. Instead, I just approached him and caught him off guard, choosing to pull him closer to me and embrace him.

“Whaaat the fuck are you doing?” He was clearly uncomfortable and any other time this would have been entertaining, but not now. It was heartbreaking; this very well might be the last friend that I will see because after I do this, there’s no telling what’s going to happen to me. So I hug him hard, this hug isn’t just for him, but for every person that’s important to me that I’ll never see again. To me, Jean is a symbol of all my outside connections, and I hug him as if each person can feel it transmitted to them. Levi, Armin, Mikasa, my dad…

I pull back, casually as if nothing had ever happened and meet Jean’s confused glance with a smile, it’s small but it’s all my facial muscles can muster at this point. I almost want to cry again, “You’ve been a good friend Jean.” I comment reminiscing all the times we’ve budded heads and even shared laughs. “I’m sorry I dragged you down in all my mess. I really hope you and Armin can rekindle someday.”

Jean takes my compliments, nodding his head slowly but it’s clear that he’s not understanding a lick of what’s going on here. He doesn’t understand that this is my final goodbye, and I’m glad he doesn’t. It would only make things harder. “Eren why are you telling me all this? Are you sure you’re okay? Is there something you want to talk about?” He’s concerned, like a friend should be. I simply shake my head.

“No, I don’t think I have anything left to say,” I say feeling the severity of those words hitting my heart. There’s nothing inside me that feels compelled to explain myself anymore, I just feel a void. “See you around.”

I twist off on my footing, and head down the stair listening as he follows behind me. I glance at his clock on the wall as I’m leaving. It’s almost ten at night which means I still have another stop to make. Perhaps the most important of all.

 

The scenery has changed since the last time I decided to visit. Once, a few months ago, the walls had been a vibrant red practically emitting the queer attitude presented inside this club. It looked as though it had gained popularity too, while once this lobby was inhabited by people mainly there for Hanji, now it was packed. People of the LBGTQ community swarmed the facility.

Music was bumping, Cher’s song “Do you Believe”, dancers were on the stage performing a routine while lip syncing and the audience were losing their minds. But none of the spectacular show moved me.

I walked through the mass of people, bumping shoulders with people frequently and even pushing to get through. I hear a few nasty remarks in my ear about how I was a ‘rude bitch’ but they only bounced off my shoulders. I didn’t have time to start a fight and to be honest, I wasn’t stable enough to handle one.

After bumping past a particularly muscular man, I was in the front row. Each dancer was dressed up in silver sequin dresses, fitting their bodies flatteringly. In the middle though, there was Hanji, also wearing a silver sequin dress except unlike her coworkers, hers had a rather large V shaped slit in the center stopping just above her private area and revealing her bully button. Moblit was crazy for not being a jealous man, the curves of her breasts were practically exposed for all the spectators. To make matters even more dramatic, she was wearing a silver wig made of the same material as the dress. She looked like a true drag queen.

I brought up my hand, waving it in the audience quite aggressively hoping to get her attention. I watched as she laughed, giggles, twirled around a bit before I finally got fed up of her absentmindedness. I put my hand down and looked from my left to my right. A flamboyant looking guy next to me was holding a teddy bear, no doubt so he could toss it on stage as appreciation of the performance. Perfect.

I shot my arm out and snatched it from him and in his drunken daze, he hadn’t even realized it was gone. I gazed back at the stage, and brought my arm with the bear up, aligning it perfectly using those skills I once had as a quarterback. I reeled my arm back, closed one eye and tossed it, aiming directly at Hanji’s head. I wasn’t disappointed with the result. The teddy bear traveled through the air, and collided with her head, causing the smile of enjoyment to immediately leave her face for one of bewilderment. She scanned all around trying to find out who did it to which I waved again. This time she saw me.

“Oh EREEEEN!” She yelled, opening her arms and traveling across the stage in her heels smiling brightly to see me. The rest of the dancers played it off, as if she didn’t just walk out in the middle of routine. When she gets close enough her smile noticeably fades and worry clouds it, “Are you alright? You look a bit haggard,” of course I do. My eyes are puffy and red, my skin is pale white and flushed, and my hair is shaggy and sloppy, I look like a wreck. I look exactly how I feel.

Once again I’m forced to do what this situation calls for, a lie. I force my lips to turn upward and for my eyes to brighten, “Oh, I’m fine.” I lie smiling in her face with fabricated happiness. “Can I talk to you for a second? In private?” I ask her glancing around at all of the people around us. Hanji watches my face carefully for a few lingering moments before nodding once and stepping back, going to the side of the stage to step off. I walk around and meet her over that way to see Moblit helping her down the stage.

“Oh Eren, long time no see,” he doesn’t sound all too happy to see me really. In fact, it’s kind of an awkward statement as if he’s only speaking to me to make conversation because he feels like he has no other choice.

“Yeah, it has,” I agree straightening out my lower lip. I don’t want to chit chat with him, or either of them honestly. I have a goal in mind and needed to be accomplished. “Since January actually,” I finish off and watch as his face noticeably tenses. Guilt is painted all over it.

“Okay well,” Hanji says stepping between us and placing a hand on my shoulder. “Let’s go talk then shall we? We’ve got a lot of catching up to do!” She seems the same, cheerful and oozing contagious energy as always. We walk away from the herd of people and take a turn down the hallway heading towards the dressing rooms. We don’t say a word, she’s a few paces ahead of me and it would be difficult to hear each other anyways. But the moment we turn the corner and are welcomed by muffled silence, her entire demeanor changes.

In a flash, she turns around on her heel and takes hold of me, grasping her arms around me and bear hugging me like it’s been years since we’ve seen one another. The hug is tight, suffocating, and it reminds me of the brother sister hugs Mikasa and I used to share in our youth. “Thank goodness,” she begins burying her wigged head in my shoulder, “I was so worried about you,” she whispers reassuringly to me. Her voice is soft, calm, and almost enough to make my heart twinge with feeling, but not quite.

After what feels like an eternity, she pulls back, grasping my shoulders and looking me over. “What happened to you?” She begins immediately. “I asked for Levi to keep me updated through the hospital visit but he never did. It was like you both just disappeared off the map for a while and then you just show up here.”

I can’t speak for Levi, but for myself I know what happened, “I was in a coma for a while, all the drugs from New Year’s really fucked up my head,” and my relationship, but I don’t add that.

Hanji stares at me thoughtfully and scans my face before I notice her bottom lip quiver, “It’s all my fault…” she begins, voice cracking. She takes her hands off of me and stands there with her head lowered, like a child that’s just been scolded.

Why does everyone always blame mistakes that I make on themselves? “It’s not your fault,” I say putting an arm around her shoulder for support. “It happened and now it’s over. I survived. That’s all that matters,” I try and comfort her but I don’t know how much it helps considering how dead my words are.

She sniffs a bit, fighting back the already forming tears. “Alright, sorry then,” she sums up and continues walking down the hall heading for her dressing room. Walking down this hall brings back memories, it takes me back to the time when we Levi and I first came here happily. Just two guys stupidly in love and tangoing with drug abuse. We were wild then, all of us. But life had a way of snapping us back into reality.

We made it to her room, and as she turned the knob and stepped inside I followed her in taking in the details of the room. It was the same as ever, filled with S and M pervert devices and flashy clothing sprawled out on her clothing rack and the floor. Levi would kill me if I was this messy.

I go over and take a seat on the familiar couch, sitting back and trying to relax my body but failing. I was too on edge and shaken still. Hanji must have been able to tell, because just then a hand was coming down in front of my face setting down a glass of brown liquor in front of me. I followed her hand, leading to her body and watched as she settled down, snaking her fingers underneath the wig and prying it off her head. It was beautiful, watching her fling her head back and forward releasing her lush brown curls. She tossed the wig on the couch, then sat down having a glass in her hand herself.

“It’s scotch,” she said holding her glass up to me. I nodded, watching as she took a swig of hers before making a face indicating to me that it was indeed powerful liquor. “Hey,” she began staring down into her glass absentmindedly. “Did you and Levi break up?”

Automatically, my heart locks and my muscles almost turn to sponge causing me to falter with my glass. The mere suggestion of that is enough to have me wanting to vomit. “No!” I almost yell denying the very entertainment of the thought. “No, never. We’re still together. Why would you ask me that?” I had been planning on taking a sip of the drink offered but now I couldn’t. Her question had distracted me just that much.

She shook her head, “I don’t know you just look…sad. Unbelievably sad. You smiled earlier but you can’t fool me, trust me. I think I know best how to hide tears with a smile.” And I don’t think those words could have ever been true enough. Hanji had always been smiling but inside her, there had to be dark feelings lurking. Why else would she be doing drugs, inside she was just like us despite the smile she kept on her face.

“I’m not sad I’m just…” Dying inside, falling apart, slowly slipping away, “Tired.” I say bringing the glass up to my lips and cringing at the familiar sting the strong liquor has traveling down my throat. It had been so long since I had any kind if substance. Levi hadn’t been kidding when he said he was cutting out the poison from his life too, he stopped everything completely except cigarettes.

“Oh,” Hanji say also taking a swig. “Well welcome to the adult life, that’s every day for me,” she said laughing a bit under her breath. I watched her closely, unlike most nights she was completely sober tonight. Usually, Hanji was the main one up on stage under the influence of some sort of drug but tonight she was crystal clean. That was just my stupid luck.

“I see the club changed,” I said making casual conversation trying to ease my way into the impending question I was bracing myself to ask.

She nodded, “Yeah, Moblit suggested that the place needed to be livened up because of new guests coming. There’s a lot of new faces here. It’s kind of cool. It’s actually nice to finally see a familiar faces again for a change.” She paused and put the drink back on the table and leaned back casually, crossing her legs. “Now if only I could get Levi up here for a night.”

That caught my attention, “What do you mean by that?”

She shrugged, “Levi’s always had this loner tendency you know? It’s not uncommon for him to just disappear for some time and to not hear a word from him but this time I feel like something’s up. Normally he would at least call me for some drugs, a late night talk, something. I haven’t heard a word from him since January after you overdosed.” Her body noticeably caved inward a bit, showing her discomfort of the topic as a whole. “I thought he was punishing us and blaming the overdose on us. I mean it makes sense; it was us who brought over that new stuff. I should’ve known ketamine was too strong, I was a fucking pharmacist and I ruined it. He probably hates me,” her head was shaking and she was rubbing at her temples. Hanji really had been putting too much on her shoulders over this.

Levi wasn’t mad in the least, just trying to avoid getting back on drugs so she was momentarily cut off. “Well after the incident happened, Levi became a little more cautious if you catch my drift.” I couldn’t say he had given up drugs completely, that was his business to tell and besides, that’s not what I came here for.

“Well that makes me feel mildly better,” she said a bit sarcastically. There was silence between us again, and this time I knew now was the time. This was my opening since we were sort of on the topic to begin with.

“Hanji,” I said speaking up and leaning forward to place the glass down on the table with hers. “I need you to do me a favor.”

She looked over to me, eyebrow raised and confusion in her eyes. “I’m listening.”

That was easier than I had thought, “I need some heroin,” period point blank, I wasn’t going to beat around the bush. At first upon hearing the words escape my mouth, she started at me blankly as if she hadn’t quite processed my words. Then, I saw it sink in and the instant look of uneasiness crossed her features as she shuffled awkwardly on the couch.

“Eren,” she began quite cautiously already backing out of my favor before even hearing it. I brought my hand out, reaching out hoping to ease her.

“Hanji, this is important. I need it,” I explain to her.

“I don’t see how you could,” she said rejecting me.

I inhaled a large amount of air and put both hands in my hair, running it through trying to calm myself and find the best words in my head for this situation. “I’m going through a _really_ hard time right now,” I said making sure to emphasize the word. “If I don’t get something in my system then I think I’m going to lose my mind.”

Hanji still seemed resistant, “I don’t know,” she began, “After you had that incident and I thought I killed you, I kind of laid off the drugs. I don’t really do them anymore and to be honest I don’t have what you’re really looking for.”

Her words seemed faulty, as if she was lying. I knew that she would, she felt guilty about what happened that night still and was wary about giving me anything. I could understand that and even respect it but that didn’t change anything. “Please.” I expressed in a manner that was similar to begging. “I’m coming to you Hanji, no one else can help me right now. Not my family, not my friends, not even Levi. It has to be you.”

I was forcing myself on her, throwing all this responsibility on her shoulders trying desperately to make her feel obligated to help me. Finding out that she wasn’t talking to Levi made things ever better, he wouldn’t have to find out about this. He never would.

“Fine,” Hanji said getting up and walking over to her dresser. “But if anybody asks you where you got this from, it wasn’t from me alright? Or Moblit, we don’t need Levi coming over here and kicking our asses if something happens to you again.”

“Thanks,” I said throwing a fake smile over my shoulder. Once again I’m watching her like a hawk, observing as she rummages through her drawers but doesn’t pull out a single bag of anything. But that’s when I see it, the thing that truly peaks my interest. “I didn’t know you carried a gun.” I said.

She was still searching, and squatted down opening the bottom drawer and spoke to me while still in action, “Oh yeah, I have to. You’d be surprised how dangerous a job like this can get.”

“Is that so?” I added in, my mind wandering onto a new objective.

“Yeah, there’s a lot of scary people out there. You just never know who the crazy ones are.”

How absolutely true that was. All I could do was smile to it and stand up when she walked over to me having found a very small baggie of the white powder. I held my hand out and tried to reach for it but she pulled her arm back and I met her stern eyes awaiting an explanation.

“This is it,” she spoke, voice hard and flat. “This is the last time I will ever help you out with this and after this, I’m done too. We don’t need to do this anymore Eren, we have got to move on,” she said slowly bringing her hand forward and dropping the bag into my hand.

Maybe for her it was over but for me, it was just beginning. “I understand.” I agreed with her looking at the contents in my hand before finally closing my hand, and watching as my fingers covered it completely.

“Hey Hanji,” I said looking up.

“Hmm?” She hummed stepping back to lean against her dresser.

“Since this is the last time,” I said tucking the drug into my back pocket. “You think you could make this trip really worthwhile? Maybe toss in a few more things just for the hell of it,” I was pushing it, crossing a line that I shouldn’t have been but I didn’t care. There was no point in being shy and coy about things anymore, not when I had planned the things I was going to do.

She cocked her head back and crossed her arms, “And what exactly are we talking here?”

I thought back to an older time, “Like that blue dream stuff you gave me before. I liked smoking that.” I suggested.

Hanji sighed, “I don’t even have that, the girls around her probably do but I doubt anybody would let me have any.”

“Please!” I asked clasping my hands together like an innocent child. “That’s the last thing I want and then I swear I’ll be out of your way I promise.”

Hanji gave me one long look, eyes scanning my face before they rolled into the back of her head and she stepped off the furniture and strutted towards the door.

“Fine, but you wait there while I go get it alright? I’ll just be a few minutes.” And the second she closed the door, it was on.

Only a few minutes were needed. I waited until I heard the fade off of her heels into the distance before I raced over to the dresser and began tearing open the drawers. Damn it, I should have paid more attention to which one specifically she had put the gun in because now I was wasting time. I was rummaging through panties, socks, wigs, useless bags of white, everything but what I needed.

“Shit!” I cursed as my finger accidentally pressed into the wood and I gave myself a splinter. I pulled back and allowed my eyes to zone in on the little fucker before I began to hear the clicking of heels again. No. I still needed time!

I was ravenous, lightly slamming every drawer that was a dud and feeling my heart beat irregurarily, I was going to run out of time. I have to find it, I iahve to find it, I have to find it— there it is!

I pick up the gun and carefully open up my pants and tuck it straight down into my pocket on the sweats. I hurriedly close the door and try to make everything look normal as Hanji is getting closer. I stand up and practically run over to the exact same spot I had been standing in and luckily, just as the knob turns I’m there. Back in place as if I had never left.

“Alright, here,” she says tossing it to me. “I got you the dream but nothing else alright? Do you need anything else?” She asks me concerned.

I begin walking making my way to leave her room and from over my shoulder, I slap a wide fake yet convincing smile over my face. “No, thank you Hanji.” I wave goodbye, and as I turn my head closing the door behind me I can’t help but think about tomorrow and what was to come.

 

Levi POV

“Eren! Pick up the fucking phone, it’s been two days and you’re still not answering me. Call me back god damn it!” I pull the phone away and once again slam my thumb over the red end call button. Today is the day, It’s Monday and today is the day that Pastor Nick is going to begin serving his sentence. I would’ve thought Eren would’ve called by now, I’m light years past normal concern, I’m terrified as to what’s happened to him.

It’s all over the news, so I know that he knows. It’s actually starting to hurt delivering the same disappointing news to Grisha time and time again. I even went out but I couldn’t find him anywhere, it’s like he’s disappeared. Maybe it was time to call Erwin and make that missing person’s report, fuck it if Eren would be mad. Rather that than seeing him in a body bag.

My phone rings, and the second the sound waves hit my ear I whip my body around and reach for it. I don’t even bother looking at the caller ID. My heart is racing, my mouth is dry, my fingers are sweaty. It could be him. “Eren!” I call into the phone desperately as I had been the entire weekend when someone called.

“Levi!” Hanji yelled, sounding completely urgent and disheveled.

My face scrounges up; I haven’t spoken to her in so long her voice almost sounds foreign. “Hanji? Look now’s not an important time I have a lot of shit going—”

She cuts in, intervening practically screaming into the phone, “Eren stole my gun! He came in here and he stole it Levi! I don’t know what he’s about to do but I’m worried!” The revelation of her words is enough to send my mind into shock. She saw Eren. He was alive. Thank God.

“Hanji slow down,” I command her as she’s practically spitting into the phone she’s in such a rush, “Where is he? What time did you see him? Did he look okay? Please tell me he’s okay!” Just tell me a location and I’m on my way. Tell me he’s fine and my body can relax. Tell me something good, don’t say anything bad. Please don’t.

“Levi, he came for drugs. He said he was going through something and he looked scary. He looked like he was psychotic or something! I left the room for a split second and he stole my gun! I don’t know what’s happening, I don’t—”

Her words become nothing but a ringing to my ears as somehow the voice on the television become more important.

_“Pastor Nick will be transferred for the public to see today at 1:30pm.”_

I look to the clock, it’s 1:11pm. Eren took drugs, he stole a gun, he looked psychotic…

And suddenly everything Erwin had been telling me flashed before my eyes and his warning rang loud, staining the walls of my mind.

_I’ve seen that boy Levi. I’ve seen what is in his eyes and what he is capable of. He is dangerous._

I drop my phone from my ear, hearing Hanji’s babbles in the distance and rush over to the counter grabbing my keys and rushing outside not even bothering to lock the door.

I have to stop him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update today guys, life just keeps knocking me down as of lately so i forgot to be on top of this. As always, thanks for reading you guys make my day always. Have a great week everyone


	29. Your Darkest Moments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The clock is ticking, Levi doesn't have much time

It’s Monday.

The weekend is gone; time has caught up with me causing me to feel boxed in, like a caged animal.

I haven’t slept since Saturday, my body wont relax, it won’t fucking calm down. I can’t stop the clogs in my mind from spinning, I can’t stop my teeth from gritting together, I can’t erase this darkness festering inside me. My nails are digging into my palms drawing blood; my eyes are in overdrive producing nonstop tears keeping my vision a blur. I don’t feel a thing; no pain from the torment I’m presenting to my body, no sympathetic thoughts for what I’m about to do.

All I can feel is the cold metal of the gun resting inside my pocket, transmitting its chill through the fabric of my clothing to my skin. That along with this feeling of destruction burning within me, beating against my flesh demanding release so that it may cause havoc. It’s chaotic, evil; it’s the rawest form of anger. Its malice, and all of it is being channeled towards one man.

Pastor Nick.

I wipe away at my face, clearing away all stains of my pain with the sleeve of Jean’s hoodie. I already know what time it is, it won’t be long until it’s time to go and finish what he started so many months ago, to even the score.

I’m sitting inside the bathroom of a rather run down Arby’s, only one filthy stall in the room leaving me alone with my wicked thoughts and shit stains in the bowl. I’m not that far from my desired destination, just across the street. I reach into my pocket and pull out the last remnants of the white disease that I have left. In the span of only one single night and all of Sunday, I have wasted away everything Hanji gave me. That was why my body was so unstable, it wasn’t used to this poisonous venom anymore, it was fighting so hard to reject it but I only forced more.

Levi would be so disappointed in me. I had told him so many promises, lies, all fabrications I had created. I had believed it at the time, I thought that we could do it; I thought that nothing could stand between us and tear us apart. But yet here it was, the very thing that brought us together was going to tear us apart. These fucking life consuming drugs. I had let them win, beat me down and destroy me. I lost.

“I’m sorry Levi,” I whisper over the bag as I begin to open it. “I’m so sorry,” I repeat again desperately sniffing the grains off my index finger, holding it as close to my nostril as I could. Tears streamed down my cheeks, visions of my mother’s face, visions of my happiness with Levi, my friends, my family…

Nothing was left, all the substance was gone. It was time.

My body cringed when I went to stand, the hairs on my body felt as though they were standing tall and inside me I felt a surge of false power and confidence. I sniffed, clearing out my nasal passage one last time before taking a calm inhale of breath through my mouth and taking hold of the gun.

1:27pm.

It was time.

 

Levi POV

“Get the fuck out of the way!” I holler as I turn my wheel, merging into the lane next to me without even looking. Someone honks at me and I retaliate by lifting my middle finger and proudly sticking it to them through the roof window of my truck. I was driving like a maniac, no rational thoughts were running through my mind, my own safety on the road wasn’t of importance to me necessarily.

Eren was about to make a mistake. He was getting ready to throw away his life and someone had to stop him before he set the path of ruin in his life. I couldn’t let him do it, I wouldn’t let him fall, I was going to catch him and pull him back to his senses.

It didn’t take long, after almost colliding my vehicle into the rear ends of people driving too slow finally; I had come up on my exit. It was like the second the sunlight shone upon my silver truck, people moved out of my way. They saw not to fuck with me. They knew better.

I charged my way down the road, eyes completely glazing over other cars that were surrounding me, the only thing in my sight was the courthouse at the end of the busy street on the right. I allowed my eyes to shift towards the radio, and upon seeing the time a newfound panic entrapped my body. It was time, 1:30pm on the dot, I had run out of time.

I didn’t think, my foot just pressed the petal practically down to the floor and my truck took off at a record speed. Never in my life was I so thankful for the previous owner changing the engine inside my explorer and making it this speed demon. Almost there…almost… I ran straight through the light and one again was rewarded with people honking at me.

I slammed my foot on the brake, turning my wheel sharply and for a second fearing the truck would flip over and I entered the parking lot. My body was reacting faster than ever before, my right hand was going for the shift putting it in park, then to the seatbelt snatching it off. Last was the door, as I practically fell down out of the seat to the ground. I didn’t even park it nor did I cut it off, I was on a mission.

As soon as my feet hit the ground I was sprinting blindly towards the stairs of the building. Just like the day of the trial, there were news reporters and random civilians gathered around in a massive crowd. Much more than the trial in fact, at least triple the amount easily making this parking lot a blend of all skin tones, and an eyesore of colors of clothing. My hands came out in front of me as I charged through people, pushing them like they were rag dolls.

My feet skidded to a stop, frantically I was looking around flinging my head in every which direction. Everywhere there were people, everywhere there were cameras, but nowhere could I see Eren. Old people, young people, tall people, short people, but none of them were the boy I was willing to lay my life down for.

My breath was turning short, my eyes were moving in a manner that must’ve made me look like a deranged nutcase to people surrounding me. No matter how many times I twisted my back around, looking at faces all around me none of them were him. It was almost as if all of the faces mixed along with my panic were becoming a blur.

I started grabbing men, only brown haired guys who looked to be about Eren’s height and forced them to look down at me. I didn’t need to read the face to be able to differentiate these men from Eren. All I needed to look into was the eyes and then I would know if I had found him or not.

“Hey what the hell man?” One man rose his voice at me as I assaulted his arm turning him on my command. Brown eyes, not him. On to the next.

“Can I help you?” Another asks. Hazel eyes, once again a miss.

As I’m moving on to take advantage of another person, suddenly the crowd starts to cheer. All of it sounds like static to my already ringing ears from my crazed mind.

“Good afternoon this is channel seven news broadcasting from the courthouse as the doors have finally been opened, Pastor Nick is being escorted as we speak…”

No. All over again I was out of time. I hadn’t found him, I hadn’t stopped him.

I couldn’t save him.

The reality of my thoughts began to infect my mind, causing the adrenaline rush coursing throughout me to come to a slow and for my breathing to eventually even out. Here I was, standing at a small 5 foot three, in this massive crowd of citizens thinking that I could actually have luck on my side for once. How fucking stupid am I?

Realizing there’s nothing that I can do, that any moment now Nick will be shot and Eren will be taken away from me, I give up. I feel my urgency slipping from me and in defeat, I turn on my heel once again pushing past people to exit the crowd and just then, it happens. I don’t know why, but for some odd reason, call it the will of the universe, one man stands out in particular.

He’s walking through the crowd like a shadow, a good thirty feet away from me, out of all the moving people I can only see him. I freeze; my breathing just becomes stuck inside my chest as he marches aimlessly through the people like a ghost. He’s wearing a hood, a green hoodie and sweatpants and something about his walk…it’s familiar. I know that walk, because I too had that walk once.

It’s the walk of a man that has nothing to lose. It’s the walk of a man who had given up all hope. I hadn’t seen the eyes, nor the hair color, but I _know_ it’s him. And if I hurry, then I can stop him.

Eren POV

I can’t go on living this way. My face is stained with tear streaks, my eyes are puffy and no doubt red, but my mind is wired and the hand in my pocket clutching the gun…it won’t stop shaking.

I feel like my heart is going to explode out of my chest, all the alarms in my head are going off like sirens. Any rational parts of my brain that are left are screaming at me to turn the fuck around and just go home to Levi, but I can’t. There won’t be any peace if I just walk away. I’ll never be able to have peace of mind. Besides, I’ve come too far to back out now.

I step through the crowd a bit more, not making eye contact with a single person because I’m scared that it will make me reconsider. And what if someone looked into my eyes? They would see all of the fucked up and disturbed thoughts I can and they would probably send me away to a nut house.

The people start screaming, getting wild and causing a slight uproar and from that we all look in one direction, the doors. They have opened and it’s time. It’s now or never.

I start walking a bit faster through the crowd, trying so hard to keep a calm face but I can’t seem to stop the quivering of my lips and eyelids, I need to hurry up. The quicker I do this the better. Then everything will be alright, then mom can finally be happy. My body is practically bouncing off all of the people I’m pushing against to get through; I need to be straight in the front. I’m using both hands now, Pastor Nick is being escorted in chains, holding his head down in what appears to be shame as the crowd boo’s him and slanders his name.

Somehow, I make it to the front, directly in the perfect view of everything. Police officers are surrounding him, holding onto both his arms and escorting him. I feel a small panic inside me as my eyes lower and see the guns on their hips. If I miss, they’ll shoot me. I could die. But if I die, I’m taking him with me.

I grip the gun in my hand, allowing my fingers to glide over the smooth dark texture and begin to pull it out of my pocket. I almost have it out, the back piece is exposed and now I know I have to be quick before anyone sees me, before the cameras turn to me. Just point and shoot. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it!

I grit my teeth and use all my influenced courage from the heroin and pull my arm, ready to do the job. But my arm is stuck, it’s not moving. I try tugging again, and then again, and it’s then that I realize there is a small person to the right of me clutching at my arm and gasping for breath. My eyes widen in shock at the tiny man and how strong he is, but before I can even revel in it he looks up, beautiful grey eyes clouded with worry, and he speaks, “Eren, stop.”

I make a motion to open my mouth and say something, anything but from my peripheral vision I can see Nick getting further away and I _can’t_ havethat. I tug at my arm, almost looking like I’m wresting him for my arm so that I can shoot him but Levi is determined not to let go. I’m literally using all I’ve got to fight against him and nothing is working, all that’s happening is Nick getting away. No…no.

“Let me go Levi! You’re ruining everything!” I yell at him causing people next to us to look. They have no idea what was just about to happen.

He doesn’t say anything, he just uses that abnormal strength of his to drag me along with him. I try to fight off his hold as he pulls me away, far away from the crowd. I even try digging my feet into the ground but it doesn’t stop him. He’s just as determined as me.

“Stop it!” I yell snatching my arm away from him and finally succeeding. He’s taken us away from all the commotion and to the side of the building where it’s just us. “What the fuck are you doing here?” I scream at him in a frenzied rage.

Levi just stands his ground, planting both feet considerably apart from one another in a defensive stance. “Stopping you from doing something stupid,” he admits rather harshly.

“It’s not fucking stupid!” I raise my voice, screaming like a mad man. “That piece of shit needs to die Levi! He has taken everything… _everything_ from me and he doesn’t even care. He doesn’t feel a fucking thing for what he did and he deserves to die,” my hands are flying around everywhere as I’m speaking passionately to him. 

“You think I’m just going to stand back and let you kill a man?” He says to me sounding completely bewildered at the mere thought of it.  

I bite my lip and turn my face away from him, this is exactly why I didn’t want to look anyone in the eye. I don’t need guilt, I can’t handle it. “Levi, _move_ ,” I instruct tightening my voice as a command. I’ve made up my mind, there is no going back. There never will be.

“No,” he replies back sternly, voice not wavering.

I shake my head, “This isn’t for you to decide,” I tell him and I mean it. This isn’t his place; this was between me and the man that caused all of this to begin with, no outside parties.

“And it’s yours?” He counters back just as angrily.

“He killed my mother so I have to kill him!” I state pointing my finger in the direction of where I know Nick is.

Levi shook his head and placed his hand over his chest, “I get it Eren, I really do. You’re hurting, scared even, and emotional right now but this is _not_ the answer. Do you have any idea what’s it’s like to bear the death of another human being on your shoulders? To wake up every single day and remember that you stole the life someone else was given?” He stopped speaking and pointed to his temple with his index finger never once looking away from me, but his eyes softened considerably. “It fucks with your head; it eats away at you, and despite what you maybe believe will happen after you do it, you’re wrong. There is no peace, it only gets worse once you kill someone,” he was speaking from personal experience of course, and it was evident with the conviction of his words.

Somewhere inside me I know he’s right, I know that. But that doesn’t stop me from shaking my head in denial, that doesn’t stop the wrath I have inside me. It doesn’t change the fact that she’s still dead. “I’m sorry but I have to do this,” I tell him scanning his eyes waiting for him to explode on me. I stare at him, bottom lip quivering as I wait for him to tackle me down, beat some fucking sense into me, but he never does.

He just sighs deeply lowering his head, and steps aside out of my way. He’s going to let me do it. I watch him for only a moment, thinking it’s a trap but then start to move quickly. If I’m fast enough, maybe I can still catch up to him.

Just as I’m passing Levi though, his hand comes out and rest flatly on my stomach stopping me. “If you kill him, then you might as well kill me too,” he says flatly.

My brain is flared and enraged at the suggestion, “Are you out of your mind?” I ask him grabbing at his arm on me. “Why would you even say that?” I yell reaching to grab him but this time it’s him who backs away from me.

“Because you don’t get to do that!” He hollers, for the first time at me. And it’s then that I notice something that wasn’t there before. Tears are streaming down his face, uncontrollably flowing and he never moves to wipe them away. He just continues to stare at me through blurred eyes and a breaking demeanor. “You don’t get to just come into somebody’s life, make them care and grow to love you more than themselves, and then just abandon them!”

Was that true? Was I really abandoning him so that I could do this?

Neither of us said a word, we remained perfectly still staring at the other refusing to back down from our causes. I stick my hands into my pocket and glaze my fingers over the concealed weapon I was carrying and pull it out, grasping it tightly in my hand. Levi’s eyes travel downward looking at it for a precise moment before looking back into my eyes.

“I _will_ come back to you,” I try and reassure him, feeling myself breaking inside as well.

Levi just rolls his eyes and raises his hand to wipe away at his tears, “No you won’t. Not the same.” I don’t even need him to elaborate that because I know he’s right. Psychically I could come back the same but mentally, I would become a completely different person. I would be the monster Erwin described me as so many months ago.

I can feel my emotions pouring over as I begin fidgeting my free hand, “I don’t want to lose you,” I say feeling the crack in my tone.

“But you’re okay with losing yourself,” Levi quickly chimes in.

“Well what do you expect me to do?” I holler at him raising both my free hand and the gunned one in the air.

“Justice was served Eren!”

I wave my gunned hand at him unconsciously, “To you it was but not to me.”

“So you’d rather take his place in prison?” He questions me.

I shake my head, growing frustrated, “No, I want him to take my mother’s place being dead!”

“She’s not coming back; he won’t be taking her place—”

“I know that!” I violently roar feeling my mental walls begin to crumble.

Levi’s voice sounds sympathetic, “Then what are you trying to accomplish?”

At that moment, it hit me. The reasoning behind it all. My descent into doing drugs, all the lies, the torture, the rage. “I just…” I began but stopped so that I could clear my throat from its grittiness. My eyes were beginning to burn and I could sense my face getting hot. I tried biting down on my lip but that didn’t stop it from quivering. I closed my eyes, fighting it so hard but all I saw was the same image over and over again. My mother’s face.

“Eren,” Levi says sorrow in his voice upon looking at me. “How long are you going to hold onto all this wasted pain?”

“I just…” I tried again this time feeling the tears flow down my face and the trembling of my body taking full force. I thought of her smile that I would never see again, her laugh I would never hear, her hands I could never touch again, and her voice that would never speak to me again. Then I thought of one last thing she always used to say,

_I loved you in your darkest moments_

That’s when I can’t do it anymore, I can’t hold it in anymore.

“I just want my mom back,” my grip loosens on the gun and I close my eyes listening as it clatters against the ground. The strength inside my legs folds underneath me, and before I know it I’m heading for the ground knees first. But I never make the impact, instead when I open my eyes I’m being cradled into a chest. I don’t even need to pull back and see, I know this familiar body. With what little power I have left in me, I raise up both my arms and clutch to Levi for dear life and cry.

It’s an untamed, shriek of a cry, mixed with sobbing and it’s everything I have in me. All of my feelings I kept bottled up inside me, every ounce of my suffering. Every single emotion I was once too afraid to show. I cry shamelessly and loudly out into the air not caring who stops and sees, tears coming down my face and snot coming from my nose and I hold onto Levi tightly as if I’m afraid I’ll lose him next.

“It’s alright,” he says holding me against him in an iron lock. “Let it all out, everything. Let it all go,” he soothes directly into my ear.

“She’s gone,” I wail into the sky as if I want God himself to know that I am acknowledging it out loud. “She’s really gone.” I must’ve repeated this at least 100 times in my hysteria. And Levi never stopped me, he never said another word. He just held me, being the support system that I needed in my life.

I had to let it all go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm aware this was a short chapter but the next one will make up for it. Brace yourselves, the finale is coming up next week :) Thanks to all who read it and as always I love you and have a nice week!


	30. Great Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After everything that they have done, everything that they have been through, they deserve happiness right?

“Eren, are you ready?” Mikasa came to me poking her head inside my room. I turn my head over my shoulder and glance at her and all her beauty. Her face was painted artistically with makeup bringing out the hidden potential of her eyes, and pink glossed lips.

“Almost, just give me a few more minutes,” I told her turning my back to her once again to once again check myself over in the mirror. I could imagine the scowl on her face finding out I wasn’t on schedule.

“Alright, two minutes exactly. Dad’s waiting for us,” she called out.

“Okay,” I agreed and listened as she closed the door once again. Tonight was the night that most seniors dreamt about from the very day they stepped foot into the school as freshmen. It was prom night.

Somehow, throughout all of the chaos that had erupted this year and clouded my life, I was going to make it. In a matter of weeks I would proudly be walking across the stage in robe and hat taking my diploma. High school was coming to a close, and I couldn’t help but smile at the ridiculous tuxedo I planned to have a blow out in.

I was going to be the difference tonight, no rules and no shame. I was sporting a blue tuxedo jacket, baby blue to be precise, with black bottoms. Underneath, I wore a white vest and as tradition should have it, I had on a bowtie. Grisha was repulsed at the very sight of it when I picked it out but for me, I knew this was my ideal apparel. I vaguely remember making a comment to Levi about how the both of us should wear these cheesy outfits if we should go together and even though it had been a joke…

“Eren, hurry up will you?” Armin shouted from the front room. “Everyone is starting to show up!”

No more dilly dallying, I straightened out the tie one final time and ran a hand through my permanently messy hair and was off on my venture down the hall to my prom group. I wiped away at my jacket, listening to all the excited howls in the living room and the girls telling each other how pretty the other looked. As soon as I rounded the corner, all eyes turned at me and the excited faces expanded before twisting in bewilderment.

“Dude, what are you wearing?” Jean asked me scanning me up and down. He was standing beside the usual gang of people. Reiner and Bertholdt whose colors were green, Mikasa and Annie who matched in red, Ymir and Christa in pink, and Sasha and Connie in vibrant purple. Everyone looked amazing, all the men in their colored vest’s under black jackets and the women in their frilly dresses. Maybe I was standing out here.

“Jean, don’t be rude,” Armin said playfully smacking his side and Jean stepped away laughing. I smiled, it was nice to see those two getting along better than before. While they were not together anymore and I didn’t think they ever would be again, seeing two people who were once so in love still being friends with one another made my heart swell.

“It’s an inside joke I guess,” I said using both my hands to hold the jacket out and look down upon it. I liked it, that was really all that mattered. Armin smiled bright, looking incredibly handsome in his black tuxedo paired with a yellow vest and black tie.

“I think it looks greeeeat,” Sasha lied, and it was obvious she was too and it caused us all to laugh.

“Don’t listen to the grape, you look rad Jaeger,” Ymir stepped in poking fun at Sasha who huffed upon hearing the words.

“You look like a hot grape babe, I’d totally eat you,” Connie pitched in trying to help.

“Gag me,” Reiner threw in jokingly pretending to be disgusted and turn away.

“Gladly,” Bertholdt responded swiftly winking at his boyfriend. The whole room collectively sighed.

“Okay, okay! I finally found my camera!” Grisha said stumbling his way from his room down the hall into the living room with the rest of us. “Did you guys do the corsages already? Did I miss that part?” Grisha asked looking around at us all obviously standing out as the old head mixed with all us youth.

I was the one to answer him, “Dad, literally 99.9% of this room is gay. You’re the only hetero,” I said causing Krista to giggle and my dad to get somewhat bashful.

“Oh,” he was still new to accepting the whole gay thing but he was improving, that was one thing I would give him endless credit for.

Jean rose his hand, “I used to be straight,” he pitched in happily.

Before anyone could even crack a joke, Grisha looked to the time and became urgent like mothers usually do on prom day, “Okay! Everyone go to the lawn and couple up! We have to take pictures!” He said rushing us all out the door.

The sun was beginning to set and our limo was already in the driveway waiting. It took me back to another time when a party bus came here to pick me up.

“Okay, ladies— I mean, I guess whoever is the lady in the relationship stand in front, the guys are supposed to wrap their arms around the ladies from behind,” Grisha instructed as we all lined up and paired off with our dates. I smiled, happy that everyone else looked so excited. I walked myself to the end of the line standing by myself.

“Eren did you want me to stand with you?” Armin asked standing next to me with Jean behind him. They weren’t each other’s date or anything but it seemed more fit for them to be paired up together.

I shook my head, “Nah, it’s fine. I’ll just stand alone.” I smiled at him, not using my teeth but just enough to convey my peaceful message. Armin studied my face considerably appearing as though he wanted to say something to me, but he never did.

“Alright, on the count of three,” Grisha instructed bringing up his camera to his face. “One,” everyone was smiling, “Two,” hands were wrapped around their loved ones while mine were enlaced together behind me, “Three!” He snapped the picture, and like I thought he would at least a thousand more.

“Now do a silly pose!” He called out and we did just that, throwing up stupid gang sings and hanging our tongues from our mouths, laughter infectious and spreading through all of us, even me.

“We’re gonna be late dad!” Mikasa called taking Annie’s hand and stepping out of line. Everyone else followed her lead and began walking towards the limo. I walked over to him instead, stopping directly in front of him.

“Have a great time tonight at prom son,” Grisha said extending his arms lovingly, like a father who was truly nothing but proud of his son. He turned his head, aiming his mouth for my ear and whispered, “Have fun, after all that you’ve been through you deserve it and so much more.” He patted my back and pulled away looking upon me.

We may not have been the perfect family, but we had been through enough to at least be able to say that we were a strong one. Here I was, standing in front of the man that so many years ago I hated with all my fragile heart smiling calling him dad again. I never thought I would see the day.

“Thanks dad,” I said patting his shoulders and smiling at him. He began shaking his head throwing off my thanks when his eyes glanced down at my neck.

“You’re wearing it tonight too huh?” He asked me taking note of the key around my neck. I looked down at it never truly forgetting its presence, then back up at him.

“Every moment of every day,” I commented easily. It may not be with the person it truly belongs to right now but that was alright, one day I was going to give it to him. I was standing by that. I let go of Grisha and turned around going for the limo to join everyone else but not without turning back around to wave goodbye.

He rose up one hand and gave exactly one solid wave standing there alone in the sunset and for a sliver of a moment, I swear I can see a shadow of my mother standing next to him. And on her face, there is a smile, as wide and vibrant as life itself and my heart thuds before an eclipse of a smile comes over my face.

_Goodbye to you too mom._

I transmit through a thought and turn back for the limo climbing inside.

 

“I am going to get so fucked up tonight,” Reiner preached once we had all pulled off and were settled in the limo.

Ymir made a noise from the back of her throat mimicking a gag, “You get fucked every night Reiner, it’s a wonder you’re graduating.”

Reiner just scoffed at her but continued to speak taking on a cheerful tone, “Yeah, but this night is different. I can get drunk tonight and not worry that I’m going to fail a math test on Monday or something. I can literally stick my head out the top of this car right now and no one would care because its _prom night_ ,” he said emphasizing the last words and sticking his neck out to her. “Everyone expects us to screw around tonight so I say let’s do it.”

“All for one and one for all!” Connie randomly cheered throwing his fist up in the air and looked around desperately for someone to join him. We all just stared awkwardly and if there was ever a time for crickets to be around, it was now.

“Okaaaay,” Armin chimed in scooting forward in his seat. “I see what Reiner’s saying though and he’s right. We all did it, we survived the jungle called high school and we deserve to get f’ed up!”

“Big boy words Armin, try speaking them,” Jean teased as he sat relaxed in his spot. Okay I had to admit, that was funny. Armin was never one to swear but having someone else finally call him out on it was priceless.

“I don’t really like to do it,” Armin said raising his hands defensively.

“It’s not like we asked you to whip your dick out or something,” Reiner taunted before leaning forward. “Just say fuck. Once, pleeease?”

Armin was quick, “No way.”

“Do it, do it, do it,” Reiner began the slow chant and like the idiots we all were we joined him shouting out the same damn thing all in unison.

“Alright fine!” Armin finally caved taking in a deep breath.

“Any moment now,” I joked and he shot me a narrow glance.

“Fuck.” Immediately after he said it his hands went over his face and he caved over laughing while we all cheered and rooted him on.

“Yayy now Christa next!” Ymir tried giving her girlfriend a cheesy smile to which she was denied.

The moment was nice, all of my friends surrounding me and sharing this night that would be engrained in our minds for years to come. I wished that Levi could be here with me to enjoy the moment but that was a wish that would not be granted tonight. Since that day one month ago, I had seen him only a handful of times. He was there for me obviously, when I truly needed him but for the most part, he was still out there trying to become a better man and insisting I keep working at it and doing the same.

When I cried with him, I let everything go. I just released all negative emotions I had about my mother’s killer and pressed forward. It was difficult at first; I had to start my process of being clean all over again and explain to Levi that I had indeed slipped up. I had thought he would be mad at me, but instead he wasn’t. Our relationship was complicated, our history of time together can be described as nothing short of chaotic but one thing was for sure. We were just two people who were destined to collide and love one another with every ounce of our beings. For that reason and understanding I had come to I decided it was okay for him to leave and handle himself. I still had to fix myself, and I knew that no matter how long it took our love would not falter. We would always find our way back to one another and pick up right from where we left off. And I would wear this necklace faithfully until the day it was time to give it to him again.

I owe it to him that I’m able to smile so freely now.

“Let’s make this night really memorable,” I advocate getting everyone’s attention. “This is our last time together as highschoolers and I say we go out with a bang.” All the faces around me nod their heads in favor of my suggestion and in response, they turn up the music loudly.

 

When I was little, I remembered imagining my prom was going to be in the gym of my school, like in the 80’s movies. I thought there would be a huge punchbowl and at most finger foods passing around. Damn, was I wrong.

From the very moment our limo had dropped us off, my mouth was wide and my eyes were starry with disbelief. We were standing in the front lobby of a country club, clearly prestigious and I had never seen a place so beautiful. It was as if the ceiling was made of gold, as vintage patterns traced their way along the walls leading to the top. Massive chandeliers hung above our head shining what seemed like thousands of lights and for an instant, I was reminded of Levi’s room and the many lights above on his ceiling.

In front of us were grand stairs, on both the left and the right leading to the same floor. We took the ones to our left and once we reached the top it was like seeing a border to a whole other world.

There were glass doors, the kinds that you would see in paintings shining and reflecting all the lights from the ballroom where everyone was gathered and dancing the music that was loud enough to shake the floor. Without even having to vocalize it, all of our eyes were shimmering with excitement and just by reaching my hand forward and opening the door, the night changed.

“Connie, let’s dance now!” Sasha said grabbing his arm and hauling him off into the mob of people on the dance floor. I laughed to myself at how quick that was.

“We’re gonna dance too,” Mikasa said leaning over to me and speaking over the blaring music. Within only a few moments everyone had left and faded off into the crowd dancing their hearts away.

“I’m just going to go sit down,” I explained as I walked away from the few who were still around me and headed for a table. The room was dark, in my eyes everyone just looked like shadows bouncing around to whatever rap sound was playing. I was enjoying myself, sitting back and watching everyone else have the time of their lives but then I noticed Armin in particular. He was standing by Jean, both of them coming off the dance floor and wandering off to talk. Jean leaned in Armin’s ear asking him something I guessed but instead of answering Armin just looked up directly at me.

Next thing I know, Armin is making his way across the dance floor and taking the seat next to me. “What was that all about?” I ask him being nosy.

Armin just shrugs his shoulders, “Nothing really. Why are you just sitting her by yourself?” He asks me while I watch Jean go back into the crowd and like everyone else, disappear in it.

“Worried about me?” I joke to which Armin straight faces me as if the answer is obvious.

“Always,” he replied smiling before going serious. “I thought you said you wanted prom to be a blowout?”

I blink not understanding where he’s going, “I did.” I confirm my words from back in the car.

“Then get up and do something! Dance, take pictures, smile!” He’s throwing out all these suggestions and I’m just staring at him not understanding.

“I am smiling,” I defend lightly.

“That smile is fake, you’ve been doing it all night and I know it. Stop watching the fun and become a part of it,” he says standing up and taking my arm with him.

“Armin wai—”

“No no noo, you’re gonna dance with me,” he sang along and kept pulling me. There was no fighting it, this was my best friend and at the end of the day all he wanted was for me to be happy, just like I wanted to be for him. So what the hell, why not dance?

At first, it’s pretty awkward being out there on the dance floor with just me and him dancing. For some reason my body is stiff and I feel like I look like a fish out of water. The last time I really danced I was high in the sky and didn’t care about a single thing, but now there were so many eyes.

“Yeah Eren!” Christa cheers me on coming out of nowhere with Ymir by her side. I look over to them and smile, feeling slightly more comfortable but then a voice that’s somehow louder than the music comes next.

“Alright Jaeger! Shake what your mama gave ya!” Reiner and Bertholdt join in dancing with us too and this time I really laugh as its obvious they’re just messing with me. I feel a hand on my shoulder and when I turn it’s Annie, and for a chance she’s actually smiling.

“Dance with me?” She asks and though it feels completely out of place and random I take her invitation and groove along on the dance floor with her. We’re just being silly, goofing off and trying to keep up with one another when Sasha suddenly cuts in stealing me away.

We both laugh as we whirl through the crowd, stepping through people and I’m not sure if what we’re doing is even called dancing. We starts swirling around and around until it seems like my heart is going to explode from all the cardio and once we spot and take a look around I understand what’s going on.

Everyone, all of my friends are surrounding me trying to make sure that I have a good time tonight. They’re all trying so hard to cheer me up because each one of them saw through my lie of happiness earlier. That’s what Armin said to Jean, he told him to gather everyone because he couldn’t stand seeing me alone. These people, each and every one of them cares about me. And I couldn’t be more grateful for them.

 

The rest of the night floated by and every moment of it felt like a dream. We took pictures, so many that I was sure hundreds were going to be getting developed from us a piece. Ymir almost got into a fight and we had to hold her back because someone spilt their punch on Christa’s shoe by mistake. When dinner came, we all sat around the table and told stories, ranging all the way back to middle school where some of us first met to here and now. I laughed, Sasha cried about how this was the end of our innocence. We reminisced and talked about how we would make sure we would keep in contact with one another even after graduation. We had a great time, but prom was almost over.

“Okay we’re going to slow it down with these last couple song, so grab your boyfriend or your girlfriend and come slow dance,” the DJ announced to us. Looking around, I watched as all of the couples stood up and began making their way to the dance floor. It was awkward because just then, everyone turned and looked at me.

“You guys it’s fine, I’ll be alright. Go, have fun and dance, I’ll be right here when you get back.”

“Well technically, I can sit with you. Erwin’s not here and-”

“Armin,” I stopped him before he even got into the meat of that sentence. “Will you go dance with Jean? He’s been eying you this whole night like he really has something to say. Go give him a chance will you?” I say pointing out the obvious for my blind friend.

Armin looked downward and I knew he was blushing, “Okay, but I’ll be back as soon as this song is over.” He promised and took off to go find Jean.

Glancing around the room, it was as if I was the only person in this whole God damned class that didn’t have a date. I wished I could lie and deny my feelings but I couldn’t. Seeing everyone like this was making me feel kind of lonely. This night had been great, wonderful I’d even say but not perfect. No, only one factor could make this night perfect for me and with only a good thirty minutes left of prom I doubted it would happen. But still, it was nice to dream about it in my head.

I started to get lost in my thoughts, wondering what this night would have been like had Levi come here with me. He probably would’ve gotten us kicked out for his foul language and abrasive attitude. A staff member would probably come up to him and ask him about his age thinking he was a minor because of his height. Knowing Levi, he would probably kick the guys ass but not before calling him every name in the book.

Before I knew it, I was laughing. I was imagining the visual of the midget man I was in love with beating up one of the teachers here and I couldn’t get the image out of my head. I probably wouldn’t even stop him, I would just let it happen. He and I were reckless like that whenever we were together I had to admit. And the thought of that alone was enough to bring a smile to my face.

“Eren, come dance with me,” Mikasa said spooking me as suddenly she had appeared out of nowhere. I looked all around her confused with her sudden request during this couples time.

“Are you and Annie in a fight?” I ask. She rolls her eyes.

“Don’t be stupid, I just want to dance with you is all.” After eyeing her hand like any sane man would, I took her hand and allowed her to guide me to the dance floor. I placed my hands on her waist and felt awkward touching her like this considering we were like siblings and she wrapped hers around my neck.

“Are you having fun?” She asks me seriously.

“Why is everyone asking me that tonight?” I respond with jest in my voice. I’m not offended or anything but was it that obvious that I wasn’t really reeling with happiness?

She shrugged her shoulders simply and smiled lightly to herself, “You know that I love you right?”

Okay, now she was getting weird. I tried to pull back but she wouldn’t let me go, she kept me facing her and wouldn’t allow me to turn away. “Oh my God Mikasa you’re not about to confess your love for me are you?” I asked mildly freaking out.

Her face twisted with absolute disgust, “Ew what?”

“What?” I repeated back trying to act stupid. She just gave me the dumb face.

“No you dweeb. What I’m trying to say is, the way that I acted earlier with the whole trying to prevent you from seeing Levi, hating him, wanting to kick his ass, wanting to strangle him until he couldn’t breathe then—”

“Get on with it Mikasa,” I said flatly. She giggled.

“Sorry. I’m trying to say that I’m sorry about everything. I had no idea that he was someone who was that important to you and even when you tried to explain it, I didn’t listen. For that I truly am sorry. You always had my back when it came to Annie and I should’ve had yours.”

I appreciated the apology, hell it even touched me that she would still be thinking about those darker times and was willing to admit how wrong she was. “That means a lot, really,” I said keeping up with her footing and noticing how she wouldn’t let me control the dance at all.

“So, I thought that I should make it up to you.”

That piqued my interest. “What are you talking about?”

She just smiled looking like she was a toddler hiding a big secret. “Eren, what would make this night perfect for you?”

Was she being serious? I wasn’t sure. Then it hit me and my eyes widened in realization and my hold on her dropped all together. “Mikasa, you didn’t.” I respond looking around the room wildly.

“Tell me I’m not the best big sister ever,” she joked to herself. Then she brought up a hand and pointed to glass doors that were off to the side of the room. “Go ahead, he won’t wait forever.”

She didn’t even have to say another word; I was off at top speed like a dog who had been thrown a ball. I didn’t even know if she was telling the truth yet but I couldn’t stop my weakening in my knees or the sweatiness of my palms. My heart was beating so fast I thought I would give myself a headache.

Once I reached the doors I stopped. I tried to play it cool and settle myself by fixing my hair, checking my breath, anything. I gulped and pulled on the door handle, opening it slowly and feeling the cool breeze of the night air hit my face accompanied with the pale moonlight reflecting off the waters. Apparently, there were docks on this side of the country club but none of that mattered because all I saw was him.

Standing there, just as cool and relaxed as the very first time I had seen him smoking that cigarette in the concert was Levi. One foot hoisted up on the rail and back turned to me but even in the moonlight I saw what he had been wearing. The blue jacket, just as goofy and ridiculous as mine.

He turns around and on sight of his face my hearts erupts and for a second I think I’m going to cry but somehow I don’t. He smiles at me, standing there like an angel out of heaven and holds his hand out and speaks, “Will you dance with me?”

I don’t have to respond, my body is quick enough to and like an idiot I completely ignore his hand beckoning out to me and charge into his body entirely, enclosing my arms around him and rejoicing at the sound of his heartbeat against me. “You came,” I breathed out as it’s the only thing my mind can think of to say.

“Of course I did,” he told me and began to sway with the music holding onto me just as tightly as I was with him, as if we were afraid the other would disappear.

_You were like the crash of thunder, echo through my darkest night_

“But how did you..?” I begin craning my neck so that I can look at his beautiful face that I remembered at a time had been so hardened from life.

“Not from you that’s for sure,” he sassed me immediately. “Your sister told me about everything, including this hideous jacket you wanted to wear. I really thought you were joking when you said you wanted to wear blue,” he said looking down at our wacky tops. That would explain why Mikasa had taken a picture of it when I picked it out, I had thought she was doing it to poke fun at me not show him. “You should’ve picked purple, then people could at least called us the joker or something.”

My lips stretched out into a smile and I breathed content to be against him once again and rested my head in the grove of his shoulder listening to the music.

_You awaken all my senses, make me feel alive_

I didn’t say another word, I just enjoyed what last moments I had of prom and moved my body with his, slow dancing along the moonlit balcony we were standing on. Even though I was a man and would never say it out loud, right now being with him I felt like a princess living a fairy tale dream. He was my prince, that had weeded through and cut down all obstacles separating us and despite the promise I broke, he was still here.

_Even if we try to fight it, we know that the sparks will fly_

“But I slipped up,” I said softly against him reminding him of what I knew he would never forget. Just a month ago I was bloodthirsty and ready to murder a man in cold blood. If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t even be here right now. I owed more than just my life to him, I owed him my sanity.

_In the end we’re just two people destined to collide_

Levi’s hands lowered from my mid back and made their way upward, slipping inside my jacket and both pulling in opposite directions. His face came forward and he kissed me through the vest, right over my heart. “I know.” He said nesting his head there and closing his eyes. I just stared down at him confused.

“I thought we agreed that if either of us messed up, we would be over,” that was why I didn’t bother tell him about prom, I ruined everything when I made that decision that day. I broke the deal and because of it I had to suffer the consequences.

“And are you happy with that?” He asked me looking directly up at me, grey eyes probing mine. It was a simple question, and for some reason hearing him ask me that took me all the way back to that time in his bedroom where we had this same conversation about wanting happiness for one another. Mikasa had asked me it too and I was prepared to lie and say yes.

I was content. I was going to college in the fall, I had gained a stable relationship with my dad again, I wasn’t on drugs anymore, and best of all I had moved on from my mother. My life was peaceful, I couldn’t exactly complain about it. But something was missing.

_All my lonely, you blow it all away_

I didn’t have Levi anymore. I was walking around feeling as though I was missing a vital part of my heart and here he was dancing with me right now. With him, I felt like I could do anything. For as long as I lived, I knew this man would be my one and only desire. There was no need for drugs anymore, he alone had me addicted to every word he said and every touch he delivered. My heart would never belong to another, never.

I didn’t answer, I only shook my head admitting that I wasn’t happy. “Not without you.” I say but then my tone drops. “But we can’t Levi. What you saw that day? I was crazed and ugly like a monster. How could you want that in your life? I’m fucking crazy,” I admit to him allowing my vulnerable emotions to reveal themselves. 

He smiled lightly and brought up his hand, cupping my face in his calloused hand. “I told you before, I love you Eren. When I say I love you, I don’t do it because I’m fixed on your looks or just because I want to have sex with you, it comes from here,” he said using his free hand and taking mine and placing it over his heart never breaking eye contact. “I love you for what you are, who you can be, and how hard you try. I’ve seen you at your worst and at your best, and I know the strength you have inside you. Even if you fall down a thousand more times I will always be there to pick you back up and I know you’d do the same for me. You can say whatever you want about yourself; it’s not going to stop me from wanting you any more or less. As quoted from one of your nerdy shows, ‘Great love is wild and passionate and dangerous. It burns and consumes.’ We had one hell of a dangerous road but now, I’m thinking it’s time we take it down and try again this time. Start all over again.”

_And when you need me, I will keep you safe_

I feel like I’m going to cry, “You really want to start all over again?” I ask feeling a happiness swelling inside me as I could not stop the hopefulness of in my voice.

Levi nodded, “I’m willing to do anything to keep you in my life.”

And I laugh, and bring up my hands to fight back the tears and before I know it I’m laughing. Uncontrollably. All this time, this level of cheerfulness I could have had in my life and starting tonight, I would have it again.

As if on cue with the beat of the song, Levi brought up his hands and grabbed my face bringing it down to meet his lips. Passion, love, understanding, and laughter were all combined into one single kiss as we moved our lips along one another’s hastily trying to convey all of our emotions.

No longer was I going to be a slave to the drugs, or the heartache in my life, I was going to try again. A brand new start with Levi by my side supporting me every step of the way and lifting me up should I ever fall. My life was going to be different; our lives were going to be different.

“Sooo, I hate to interrupt this Disney moment but you guys do realize prom is over right?” Mikasa called to us through the doors and breaking our kiss. The song had ended a while ago and janitors were already out cleaning the room. How the hell did we miss that?

Levi looked from her to me and shrugged, “Well, now what do we do?”

I thought about it, then smiled, “Laser tag.” I was dying to have a rematch with everyone after that one day a while back. This time I was going to win.

Mikasa rolled her eyes playfully and laughed, “Get ready to lose,” she said leaving the doors.

I laughed and looked back at Levi, reaching my hand out and enlacing our fingers enjoying the feel of his cool hands in mine and began following after her no doubt getting ready to join the rest of the crew.

“So we’re going to be partners right?” Levi asked me.

I smiled and brought up his hand in mine, kissing his palm before responding, “Always.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cant believe it, this story that was like my baby is over. I feel like a mother watching her kid go off to college! First off, THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH everyone who read this wild tale, who left kudos, comments, found me on tumblr, everything. I greatly appreciate it all and I hope these past six months of this story have been as amazing for you as they have been for me. The song was titled, Stone Hearts and Hand Grenades by Leona Lewis if anyone wanted to look that up, i recommend it. I'm sad its over but, it was fun. Love you all and take care in life.


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